


if the universe judges it to be so (who are we to go against her)

by multifanwho



Series: Jenny and Yaz [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, F/F, Hate Sex, Human AU, Make up sex, Miscommunication, Relationship Rebuild, University AU, aunt!yaz, autistic!doc/jenny, here we go again !!!, kind of, two idiots still in love with each other just going through a rough patch, y'all are going to hate me for what I'm about to put them through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:01:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 83,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22052185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifanwho/pseuds/multifanwho
Summary: Yasmin Khan is in the second year of her career in the police force. Jenny Smith is in her final year of her Physics degree. Their own flat, their own jobs, their own careers taking shape. But with cracks in their relationship starting to show, will Yaz and Jenny be able to fall in love with each other all over again before time runs out?(This work has nothing to do with the actresses that portray these characters on screen, this is based off of descriptions of the characters alone. The actresses are real people with real lives and families that are just doing their jobs, please remember to stay respectful)
Relationships: Thasmin - Relationship, Thirteen/Yaz, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Series: Jenny and Yaz [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585054
Comments: 128
Kudos: 211





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me three weeks ago: I'm going to take a break from writing
> 
> me now: round two let's go thassies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ophfy_X6g2Y

It’s been almost three hours since Yasmin Khan was meant to leave her desk. It’s been a long day and her mentor has left her with the paperwork for an accidental drug bust they took on this afternoon. She’s falling asleep at her desk, eyelids fluttering closed with every few words she types up but there comes a point where she can’t tell if she’s dreaming or not and rests her head on her hand just for a brief moment. Just to give here that boost of-

“Khan!”

“HUH what yeah, um, yes-yes sarge?” Yaz tries to shake herself wide awake. Or at least pretend she wasn’t sleeping in at her desk for her boss to find. 

“Go home Khan.” Missy says firmly with a stern face. Although her face isn’t really anything but stern at the best of times. 

Yaz points at the screen. “I need to-”

“Look kid, this is pity, I’m pitying you. Go home and I’ll see you bright and early Monday.” 

“Thank you sarge.” Yaz says as Missy slaps her on the back and walks back to her office. 

She’s only in her second year of probation, working nine til five with an older mentor at her side at all times to teach and guide her through situations she hasn’t been through yet as if all they do isn’t break up fights and get called to petty crimes. The drugs bust today only started as a simple call out from an old lady scared of a couple of teens hanging out across from her house and the minute her mentor realised how much paper work would be involved he shunted it onto Yaz so that he could get home to his wife on time. 

Yaz pulls out the small picture of Jenny she keeps in her jacket pocket and strokes her thumb against her cheek. If she had her own permanent desk she would pin up this picture along with several others of her and her friends to remind her of who she has behind her, supporting her. Unfortunately hot desking doesn’t allow it without everyone else being able to see. None of her coworkers know about Jenny. They know she’s engaged to her ‘partner’ but Jenny has always stayed genderless in discussions and she’s never shown them a picture of her. She’s Yaz’s. She doesn’t want anyone talking about her or imagining them both together or making assumptions. Yaz pockets the photo again safely away from harm and collects her stuff to go home. 

It’s a short walk from the police station to their flat. Since Clara graduated and moved out, Yaz and Jenny couldn’t be the only two people in a student house for four so they had to move on and find somewhere else. It’s a nice little one bedroom with a little kitchen, a bathroom and a living space. Quite small from the description but it’s not actually that bad for the two of them. Yaz, at least, has never felt that they’re living on top of each other.

Dragging booted feet up to her front door, Yaz prepares her key and twists it in the lock. Immediately she gets greeted by their cat wrapping himself around her legs; Supreme Leader of the Darkness the Third, as Jenny calls him. Real name: Dave. 

“You’re late again.” Jenny sighs loudly once the door is shut again so that Yaz can hear her annoyance.

Yaz feels a pang of guilt at the fact she forgot to tell Jenny what time she expected to be home. The sight of her hunched over the stove making some kind of chilli for them both gives her even more guilt because they usually make sure they’re back to do this together. She silently makes her way over, snaking her arms around Jenny’s waist once she reaches her beloved destination.

“Are you angry at me?” She kisses her shoulder blade through however many layers of shirts she’s wearing tonight.

“A text would’ve been nice.” Jenny mumbles.

“I’m sorry, I forgot. You know I can get carried away. It’s like you in the bloody labs.” 

Jenny spins around in Yaz’s arms to leave a kiss on her lips. And then another lingering one that results in Yaz pushing her body up against Jenny’s as a ‘thank you for forgiving me’.

“Are those handcuffs in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Jenny smirks.

Yaz removes the metal instrument from her belt, holding them up by the crook of her finger. “Both.” She flings them onto the counter with a clatter. 

“We’re supposed to be going out tonight.” Jenny reminds her as she goes back to stirring the delightful smelling mixture. Yaz groans at the thought of having to leave the flat and lifts herself up to sit on the counter. “I thought you would say that so I’ve already cancelled.”

“I love you.” Yaz says as a way of thanking her.

“I know you do.” 

“Don’t you love me too?” Yaz batters her eyelids at the slightly harsher than usual response.

“I love you when you come home still in your uniform.” Jenny says suggestively.

“Jen, I’m so tired.” Yaz bats away the idea.

“You’ve been tired for the past three weeks.” Jenny says; annoyed that Yaz has come home late and now frustrated that she can’t have her.

“I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just can’t… get in the mood at the moment.” 

“Well, what can we do to get you back in it?” Jenny turns off the heat and positions herself in between Yaz’s legs. “Toys?” Jenny kisses softly along her jaw, settling her hands on Yaz’s waist. “Food?” She whispers against her lips. “More restrains.” Jenny swipes her tongue over the pulse point in her neck and Yaz feels a moan rise up from the bottom of her lungs. “Porn?”

“Jenny I can’t.” Yaz mumbles softly and Jenny gives up, resting her head in the crook of Yaz’s neck. There’s a quiet pause with just the sound of the two of them breathing filling it.

“Something’s wrong, isn’t it?” Jenny asks. Although it’s more of a rhetorical question than something that can be answered straight away.

Yaz raises a finger to stroke circles on the tender patch of skin behind Jenny’s ear. Her favourite. “I don’t know why I’m like this at the moment.” She whispers. 

“You know you can tell me anything.” Jenny reminds her. “I want you to talk to me Yaz,” She lifts her head to look Yaz in the eye. “Properly talk to me.”

“I tell you how my day goes every night before we go to sleep.” Yaz says.

“But how do you feel? Other than tired.” Jenny’s rubbing up and down Yaz’s thighs with her hands and Yaz is finding it mildly irritating. 

“Emotionally?” Yaz asks, taking Jenny’s hands away and placing them on the counter instead.

“Emotionally.” Jenny nods.

“Right now?”

“Right now.”

Yaz sighs. “A bit run down. Scared. I feel the need to be quiet- maybe read a book. Watch some TV.” She runs off the most mundane excuses.

“Like you need to wind down a little bit?” Jenny says. Yaz nods. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Yaz gives the verbal confirmation Jenny wants.

“What if next weekend we go somewhere? You and me in an air bnb or something somewhere in the countryside to spend some time away from work and that.” Jenny suggests.

“I like the sound of that but do we have the money for it?” Yaz thinks logically. 

“I have a bit put by. Enough for two nights. It’ll be nice to spend some proper time together.”

“Jenny if we’re only just coping like this when I’m doing nine to five what’s going to happen when I start working shifts? We can’t take weekends off whenever we want-”

“So let’s do it while we can.” Jenny insists enthusiastically. Yaz can’t help but softly (yet slowly) come around to the idea. “Is that the underlying problem of all this? You’re overworked and worrying about the future?”

Yaz shrugs. “Probably.”

“Then that’s it decided then, we’re going.” Jenny says. No turning back now. Yaz is even a little bit shocked at her spontaneity.

“Who’s going to look after Da-”

“Supreme.” Jenny corrects her with a grin.

“Who’s going to look after Supreme?” Yaz says, not grinning. She loves that damn cat and it's stupid name.

“I’ll get Clara to come round.” 

“He hates Clara.” Yaz frowns.

“And Clara hates him yet somehow, they work.” Jenny shrugs.

Yaz turns her head so that Jenny’s lips land on her cheek instead of her lips when she attempts to get confirmation of their plan. Jenny hovers by her cheek waiting for some kind of explanation. But thankfully Jenny ignores that anything is wrong and carries on cooking. They're getting very good at that.

“Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me, yes right there, fu-uh Yaz!”

Jenny rides out her orgasm gripping onto the hotel bed headboard with her head flung back and her hips rocking against Yaz’s head until she nears the point of overstimulation. When she can, Jenny silently climbs off to allow Yaz the chance to breathe. 

In however many hours they’re going to be travelling back home so that Yaz can get to work and Jenny to her Monday classes and since the weekend has pretty much been a failure including everything from petty arguments to heated discussions Yaz decided she might as well let the pair of them break their dryspell. 

Except now that it’s over Yaz is too aware of some emotions that have been hidden in the depths of her psyche and can’t stand the feeling of Jenny’s arm across her stomach and her head on her chest. 

“Did I do something bad?” Jenny says, picking up on Yaz's silence.

“No.” Yaz says, wiping her lips clean with the back of her hand. It’s not her fault she’s feeling like this.

“Yaz," Jenny starts in that tone of voice that usually means Yaz is going to have to dig herself out of a hole she made herself. "the three times we’ve had sex in the past two months you haven’t said my name. You always used to say my name. And don't tell me it's because you're tired."

"I…" 

Yaz struggles to find the right words. Sweet Jenny. Sweet and lovely Jenny who would do anything for her is laying next to her, naked, vulnerable, awaiting instruction that Yaz is conflicted over giving. Jenny lifts up her torso to hover her face directly above Yaz’s.

"What is it?" Jenny softly presses for an answer.

"I don't think it's time together we need." Yaz confesses in a whisper. She looks Jenny in the eye to see a hint of pain but a knowing of what's coming next, which pushes Yaz to say the next bit.  "I think we need time apart."

Yaz stays still, not knowing what else to say as Jenny settles herself back on her back with a sigh and probably an internal monologue that's raving but she refuses to speak out loud.

The drive home is awkward to say the least. Yaz can feel Jenny bubbling away with questions but resisting her own urge to speak them aloud. It was the worst timing for her to say it. Horrible in fact. But she couldn't keep Jenny thinking everything is fine. If anything, Jenny was the one who brought it up, not her. Unlocking the door to their flat, something has to be said, and Jenny beats Yaz to it.

"So like… how is this going to work?" Jenny asks.

“How what's going to work?"

"Are we going to talk about it? What is this-this space thing what-" Jenny huffs tilting her head back as if to shake the words in her head into the right order. "Am I even allowed in our bed tonight?" 

Yaz gulps. "I hadn't thought about that." 

"You want space but you still expect us to live in the same few rooms?" Jenny asks accusingly. She’s getting frustrated, Yaz can hear it.

“Well I’ve not really had a chance to think it through yet. We-”

“You’ve thought about it for enough time to decide you want to break up!”

“Jenny I never said break up I just said-”

“Time apart, yes, I heard you but what does that mean? Are we- are we still engaged? Are we still alright living like this I- I don’t...” Jenny runs her hand through her hair. “What’s happening to us.” 

Yaz scratches the back of her neck and huffs to give herself time to come up with an answer that won’t send Jenny spiraling. This is unfair. This is all so unfair on both of them but they can’t keep going on with breeze-blocks attached to their ankles with chains.

“Jenny, I still love you. I know I do. But-”

“A sentence like that should never be followed by ‘but’.” Jenny cuts in. Yaz is silenced because she’s right and has to stand there, emotionally exposed to the facts until she accepts them. The only thing she can feel over everything mulling over in her head is Dave smashing his head into the back of her calf. 

“Oh, well, I’m glad to see where you stand, Supreme asshole.” Jenny grumbles at the cat.

“Come on Jenny. We’ll figure something better out tomorrow.” Yaz says as she leads the way to their bedroom.

They undress and dress again with their backs to each other. They get into bed together in a similar manner. If Yaz wasn’t reeling at her own stupidity of how she broached the issue, mentally kicking herself and stopping herself from falling asleep, she might be able to hear Jenny sniveling. Then she might have rolled over to- just for tonight before tomorrow and all it’s troubles come- kiss the back of her neck softly and curl her arms around her stomach until she’s calmed down. Maybe then Jenny would turn around too, resting her head in Yaz’s chest and Yaz could whisper how they were going to make this work. How she still loves her so much and how this is only a blip. Come up with a plan.

But she doesn’t. 

And they just about fall asleep at as distance that feels like miles apart with Yaz’s mind running and the liquid silently falling from Jenny’s eyes wetting through her pillowcase till morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so a few things  
> 1) this is going to be chaotic, a mess, I don't have an upload schedule yet, shits gonna go down  
> 2) we all know a sequel is never as good as the original, don't expect anything from it and don't feel obligated to read it if you don't fancy it  
> 3) kudos and comments always appreciated!! I love hearing what you have to say unless it's straight up hate speech, I'm too fragile for that


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that episode fucked me the fuck up so I thought I'd fuck everyone else up a bit more by updating. a poor decision? maybe so

“Hey buddy.” Yaz scoops up her fluffy child into her arms as soon as she gets home from work. They agreed yesterday. Yaz is only coming home to pack some of her clothes and leave again. “Are you gonna help mummy pack some clothes? Yeah? Are you?”

“He says you shouldn’t go.” Jenny silently appears in the doorway to their room. Funny, Yaz thinks. She knew she owned a cat but she didn’t know about the sad looking puppy approaching her. 

“It’s not permanent Jenny.” Yaz sighs, letting Dave escape and jump to the floor. She doesn’t want to go over this again.

“You say that but you won’t give me a date to say when you’re coming back.” Jenny starts to approach. The sooner Yaz can get out of here the better. For the both of them.

“Because I don’t know Jen.” Yaz retrieves the little travel suitcase that she got out from under the bed before she set off for work this morning. Before she can unzip it Jenny’s hand is on top of hers and she can’t move it away.

“I can go instead if we’re really doing this.” Jenny offers, taking her hand properly.

“You spend more time at home than me anyway. It's fine.”

“Supreme prefers you and I still don’t know how to work the thermostat.” Jenny says, a little bit panicked. Yaz shifts how she stands to talk to Jenny head on.

“We do run like clockwork together.” Yaz admits. A small hint of a smile is pulling at her lips as she says it. 

“A cuckoo clock.” Jenny says. “Drives us mad.”

“One of those ones where instead of a bird coming out it’s you in a lab coat.”

“I’m holding a test tube.” Jenny smiles.

“What’s in it?” Yaz plays along.

“Love potion that bubbles out and brings out a mini figure of you from a second door. Like on Addams Family.”

“Oh, so mini you gets to kiss me.” Yaz raises her eyebrows.

“Pretty much. I like kissing your cheek. It’s a cute idea, don’t you think? I could get someone to make one if you like?”

“We might be like a clock Jenny, but we’ve stopped working.” Yaz drags her back down to reality.

“We’re working now.” Jenny says, evidently confused at how they just went from almost flirting to Yaz still being adamant that she has to go. 

“I know. I still mean it when I say I love you.”

“...but...” Jenny sighs in anticipation.

“We aren’t who we used to be. It’s like we’re stuck and you know it too. The increase in arguments, the agitation at each other, the- mmm-”

Jenny’s lips feel so soft against hers. Yaz knows the action is a sick trap to try and keep her at home but she can’t help but indulge in the feeling. In her. Gods, how come they always have to fit so perfectly together. 

“Please don’t move out.” Jenny whispers, leaving her eyes closed and their noses touching.

“Jenny-”

“Please- we can work it out with both of us, here, we-”

“Jenny I’m only staying with Grace and Graham for a bit.” 

“Can I still text you?” 

Yaz falters, stepping back from Jenny. “I don’t know, Jen. The whole point of this is to have some time apart and then build us up again.”

“One text a day?” Jenny begs. “Just so I know how you are.”

“Okay, one text.” Yaz agrees. Jenny’s eyes dip down to Yaz’s hands and only then does she realise she’s nervously twisting her engagement ring around the base of her finger.

“Don’t you dare take that off.”

“I wouldn’t- don’t tell me what to do.” Yaz finds it so easy to fall into a bad mood with Jenny.

“I’m not telling you what to do-”

“‘Don’t you dare’? What kind of-”

“Oh, God, here we fucking go.” Jenny throw’s Yaz’s hand out of her own so she can get expressive as she speaks.

“-Jenny you don’t dictate what I do- and what the fuck does that mean?”

“You always take it the wrong way-”

“I’m _the_ most patient person when it comes to you saying things a bit oddly or in the wrong order but-”

“-I’m not that much of a fucking invalid-”

“Right, you know what, just get out. I’m packing my clothes and going.” 

“Whatever.” 

Yaz scoffs.“You were begging me to stay a few minutes ago.” 

“Whatever!” Jenny raises her voice to a proper shout. Anger. Pure anger. 

“You know what, take the bloody-!” 

Hot anger itself overcomes Yaz as she takes off her ring and throws it, hitting the back of Jenny’s shoulder. Both of them freeze where they stand. Jenny’s hand is still on the door handle with the door halfway closed; her head slowly turns with a look of confusion on her face. Yaz looks down with guilt at where the ring has landed after bouncing back into the room and Jenny’s eyes follow. Yaz watches as she adds it up in silence, the only show of emotion being her eyebrows lifting themselves up a little. 

“I-I’m sorry.” Yaz tries to apologise, realising she never meant to do that.

Jenny scrunches up her nose almost in disgust. “No you’re not.”

There’s a purposeful bit of force behind the way Jenny shuts the door behind her making Yaz physically wince. 

“You’re an idiot, Khan.” She mumbles to herself, retrieving her ring from the floor and putting it back on her finger where it belongs.

"Hiya love!" Yaz is greeted by the warm and loving smile that can only belong to Grace O’Brien. “Come in!”

"Thanks for letting me stay for a bit, Grace." Yaz thanks her preemptively.

"Oh no problem, not at all. You're basically family anyway and since Ryan's staying with Clara for a bit there's more than enough room." Grace chuckles lightly. When Yaz is late to return a smile Grace is quick to catch on. "Cuppa?"

"Yeah, please."

Yaz settles herself on the sofa in front of the TV while Grace busies herself in the kitchen boiling water and preparing mugs. She doesn’t try making any kind of conversation but Yaz doesn’t notice the change since she’s wrapped up in her own head thinking about the argument. Five minutes to pack and another ten to walk here isn’t enough to give herself time to process. It wasn’t their worst fight to date, but considering the circumstances and the fact Yaz physically threw something at Jenny… It’s still terrible. Yaz can’t stop herself hanging her head in shame.

"So… what happened?" Grace slides herself into the space next to her, handing over a perfect cup of tea that Yaz welcomes into her cold hands. 

“We just needed some time and space away from each other." Yaz says. “But if you’re asking why I’m like this it’s because we just had a big fight.”

“You left at the right time then.”

“We only fought because she wanted me to stay.” Yaz tries to dumb it down.

“But I bet whatever was said wasn’t just about you moving out for a bit. So it would’ve happened anyway.” Grace says. Yaz just sits there, trying not to smile in disbelief at Grace correctly guessing everything that happened. "Are you planning on not seeing each other at all?"

"I don't know. We haven't really talked about it. Just… shouted." 

Grace sighs. Yaz can’t help but feel a little bit disappointed in herself. "Well that's the first thing to do. Talk, not shout. If neither of you know what's happening then it's sure to end in disaster."

Yaz nods and bites her lip, tapping her finger against her mug too trying to make it look like she’s having rational thoughts. 

"Have you told Ryan why I'm here yet?" Yaz asks with it suddenly dawning on her how out of place it will be for Ryan to come home and see one of his best mates sleeping in the spare room.

"No, I thought to leave that to you. Not my business." Grace throws her hands up in surrender.

"Technically is now I'm living in your house."

"Yes but you're not a burden at all. And it's not forever is it?"

_I hope not._

“It won’t be.” Grace says, clearly reading Yaz’s body language. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you need, Yaz. Obviously with a bit of rent contribution-”

“Of course, I wouldn't expect to stay here for free.” Yaz nervous laughs.

“You were brought up well.” Grace smiles with admiration. 

“I’ll tell mum you said that.”

“How is she?”

“Good I think. Still adjusting to the fact she’s a grandma now.”

“Oh! How is the little one? I could give your mum tips.” Grace gets excited which in turn makes Yaz giggle and smile like nothing else matters. 

“She’s sweet. Almost seven months old now.”

Yaz pulls up a selfie of her niece and her sister on her phone. When Sonya revealed she was pregnant just over a year or so ago it’s safe to say it did not go down well with her family. But when Aliya was born every ounce of judgement left the Khan household. She even helped bring the two sisters become closer together in their own relationship, since Najia was hours away when Sonya went into labour and Yaz was the only one home to take her to hospital and be her birthing partner. 

“I bet you’re a cool aunt.” Graham winks, joining the two of them in the living room with his own cup of tea. 

“I’m gonna be the cool aunt that lives ages away that brings too many sweets every time she visits.” Yaz grins. “I’ve already decided. She has no choice.”

“I bet Jenny’s already got her a ‘my first science kit’.” Graham chuckles. Yaz feels herself sink deeper into her seat.

“Love,” Grace shoots her husband a small warning look. “Yaz is going to be staying with us for a little while.”

“What? Why?”

“Graham!” Grace hisses.

“Jenny and I...we…” Yaz chews her lip while she tries to decode the expressions on Grace and Graham’s faces. “It’s complicated.”

“Oh kid.” Graham pouts.

“I hope it wasn’t too harsh, what happened.” Grace says.

“Have you rang your mum?”

“You might need to give Ryan a heads up.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“You don’t deserve this Yaz.”

“I’m sure it’ll work out.”

“You two are perfect together.”

“If we were perfect I wouldn’t be here would I.” Yaz snaps. She knows it’s just residual anger from the fight but to take it out on Grace and Graham, the two people taking her in, it’s too much. The older couples faces go from shock to deep sympathy and Yaz can’t bear it. “Excuse me.”

Yaz goes to find the spare room on her own, scared that if she stays around then she’ll get kicked out on the street. It’s plain. Clean. Nothing like the room she shares with Jenny but she’s grateful to have it nonetheless. Yaz lays herself down and the mattress is lovely and comfortable. Last time Yaz had to spend a night in bed without Jenny next to her she couldn’t sleep. She wonders if it will be the same tonight.

She doesn’t realise how long she just lays there until Yaz feels her phone vibrate in her back pocket. When Jenny said one text a day, Yaz thought she might send paragraphs among paragraphs to try and get her to come home. Instead, all Yaz is looking at on her screen is a picture of their ginger and black cat curled up on top of Yaz’s pillow on her side of the bed. It might not be a paragraph, but sometimes a picture can say a thousand words that will never have the courage to travel past lips. Yaz just about has time to wipe away the tears that appeared out of nowhere before Ryan comes in.

“Brought you hot chocolate.” He says, sort of as an explanation as to why he didn’t knock.

“Jenny made me hot chocolate after our first date.” The words spill out of her mouth before she can stop them.

“Yeah?” Ryan smiles as he hands her the warm mug.

“Yeah. Then she spilled it all over me and I had to take my shirt off. Safe to say she panicked.” Yaz laughs at the memory. It seems so long ago now but not at the same time.

“So c’mon. Why has this happened?” Ryan plonks himself down on the bed making Yaz resort to covering the top of her mug with her hand to prevent a spill.

“We had a fight-”

“No I mean what was causing the fights.” Ryan clarifies before Yaz can give her usual explanation.

Yaz thinks. It’s all there in the back of her mind, but saying it out loud and having Ryan witness it makes sure that she can’t take it back. Whatever comes out of her mouth now is going to stick and become some form of truth.

“I think we got too used to each other.” Yaz shrugs.

“In all areas?” Ryan asks timidly. Yaz rolls her eyes.

“If you’re referencing the sex we still did it. It was just less frequent and more of a… kind of like a… ‘oh it’s been a while we probably should’ sex.”

“Okay.” Ryan nods to process this information. Somehow Yaz reckons her answer is worse than what he was expecting to hear. “I know you two were never ones for going on dates but did that kind of stuff disappear too?”

“Jenny kept trying. Really really hard but it wasn’t doing anything for me and then the more she tried the more it annoyed me. You know how she can be intense and then I’d come home from an equally intense day at work and then she’d be trying to get me to be all romantic with her when really I just wanted to go to bed.”

“And then that makes you feel worse.” Ryan assumes correctly.

“I felt it was all my fault.” Yaz laughs at her own stupidity. “But I know it wasn’t just me because Jenny only made an effort half the time. The rest of the time it was like we’re only flatmates.”

“So why didn’t you tell her all this?”

“I dunno. Everything ended up turning into arguments.” Yaz taps her mug with her finger. A new nervous tick of hers, she reckons. “I threw my ring at her today.” She mutters quietly.

“...Dude.” Ryan says. It’s the first time Yaz notices her trusted friend judging her.

“I know. I didn’t mean it, it just happened.” Yaz reveals her shame. “I don’t know what I’m doing Ry.” 

“Don’t look at me, I don’t know how to save your relationship.” Ryan dissociates himself from the situation. “But I reckon you should probably start by talking to her.”

“Mate, I can’t talk to her tonight!”

“And I’m not saying you should I just think you’ll go nowhere with silence.” Ryan gets up and heads for the door. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Why’d you bring me hot chocolate before dinner?” Yaz asks, confused. Ryan throws her one of his classic grins. 

“I’m comforting you.” 

“You’ve not done a very good job.” Yaz snorts.

“Sure.”

“You haven’t.”

“You’re clearly still devastated.”

“Shut up!” Yaz almost goes to throw a pillow at him but gets sudden flashbacks of being at home and Jenny’s devastation of seeing the ring on the floor.

“Hey,” Ryan says more seriously. “five minutes, don’t forget.”

“Thanks man.” Yaz says softly; nodding to agree with him and perhaps at the same time trying to shake the image out of her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set up complete, let the chaos begin


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo this turned explicit real fast huh

Two weeks at Grace and Graham’s is enough to make Yaz realise she’s got so used to living her life with just her and Jenny. Yaz still has her routine- get up, go to work, come back, eat, sleep, repeat- but there are two other people, sometimes three when Ryan comes home, who have their own set routine that Yaz has to live around. She loves this second family but with work and without Jenny, Yaz just finds herself getting more and more agitated and short fused. She tries masturbating it away, trying to physically relieve herself but she just  _ can’t finish  _ without Jenny there to touch her or whisper encouragements and ends up more frustrated than when she started. People around her have been starting to notice as well. Her supervisor at work, Missy, Ryan, perhaps not Grace and Graham but if they have they haven’t said anything. 

Jenny has stuck to her word and sent a text a day, never expecting a reply which is convenient as Yaz can never think of anything suitable to say back. And to be fair, she sometimes forgets that Jenny even text in the first place. 

She’s at work right now, on the beat with her mentor being forced to drive since he’s being lazy- again. She should request to switch really, but at such a late stage of her training there isn’t really any point. Yaz is refusing to partake in any kind of small talk incase she snaps and is instead driving comfortably in silence.

_ “Squad car seven are you free to respond to a call? Corner of Parker Street.”  _ A crackled voice comes over the intercom.

“Let someone else pick it up.” Her mentor instructs, chomping into his lunch.

“It’s literally only a couple of streets over.” Yaz reaches to her chest to respond.

“There’ll be someone else in the area.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Yaz scoffs. “Free and ready.” She responds over the comms system. 

“What’s gotten into you today?” He stares at her.

“Nothing. I just fancied doing some work.” Yaz smiles sarcastically as she indicates to get onto the road that will take them directly to the street they want. 

“Seriously Yaz. I’m worried about you. Personally.”

Yaz ignores his concern and keeps driving until she sees the arguing couple on the street corner.

_ Is that what I look like with Jenny? _ Yaz can’t help but ask herself.

The two officers step out the the car; Yaz taking the lead in trying to diffuse the situation.

“Alright that’s enough.” Yaz tries to get between the arguing couple. 

“This doesn’t involve you sweetheart!” The brick of a man turns his head to Yaz for a split second to shout at her before going back to arguing with his girlfriend. 

“I’m sure we can settle this like adults.” Yaz speaks firmly.

“You’re a twelve year old love!” Bulky hands shove Yaz backwards. She only Just manages to keep herself upright. 

“PC Khan!”

Yaz doesn’t really know what happens after that. The next time she recognises where she is and what she’s doing her hand is balled into a fist and is being suspended in the air by her mentor gripping onto her arm. The shouting from the couple fade into the background as Yaz notices the wide eyed expression on her mentors face. Mainly shock, but also a look of ‘I can’t help you anymore’ and it dawns on Yaz what she was about to do.

Back at the station Yaz sits staring off into space reflecting on what she was almost going to do while her mentor reports what happened to Missy. She’s really fucked up with this. She tries not to let her mind wonder about what might have happened if she had hit him.

“You were about to hit a civilian.” Missy appears in front of her and Yaz stands, making herself look as professional as she can.

“He went to hit me first-”

“But he didn’t and you still went to strike him. I don’t know what’s going on with you at the moment Khan but I can’t lose my best junior probation officer to a police brutality lawsuit!” Missy hisses through her teeth, trying not to shout and alert the whole office as to what’s going on.

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. I just-”

“No. It won’t happen again. Definitely not next week because I’m giving you the week off including the rest of today.”

“You’re suspending me?” Yaz loses almost all composure.

“Not formally but you can’t keep coming in like this Yasmin.” Yaz does a double take at this point. Missy never uses their first names which means she is in deep deep shit. “Take the week off, eat junk food, go for a run, shag your financé, go to the cinema, whatever the fuck you do to unwind, go and do it before I’m forced to sack you.” 

Missy storms off leaving Yaz alone to fall back into a seat. She could have been suspended.  _ She could have been sacked.  _ Yaz takes off her hat to hide her face and groan into it. She’s been brought up better than this, taught to rise above it all whether it be words or fists thrown in her direction from her parents and then again in basic training. It’s humiliating enough that it’s happened. It’s going to be even worse having to explain it to everyone else.

“Come on love, we can’t have another day of you moping around.” Grace attempts to get her up from the sofa.

“I almost punched someone I've sworn to protect. I have my reasons to mope.” Yaz mumbles. She’s basically been curled up on the sofa for most of the weekend. She’s not used to having nothing to do.

“Yaz. This is an intervention.” Grace says more firmly. “You cry every time a science show comes on the TV because it’s either one of Jenny’s favourites or Jenny would’ve shouted at the screen that they’re wrong.”

“I-”

“Go home and see your family Yaz. I’ve already told your mum-”

“What did you tell her?” Yaz sits up in a panic. 

“-I’ve told your mum you might need some time back at home. I said nothing about what happened at work or Jenny.” 

Coming around to Grace’s reasoning, and realising she actually doesn’t really have a choice in the matter, Yaz takes herself upstairs to pack some clothes to go home. Except she swiftly realises most of her clothes are dirty and her parents will probably expect her to be in better clothing choices. She has no choice. She has to go back to the flat for a change of clothes. 

“Hey man.” Ryan makes his presence known. 

“Hey.” 

“You gonna go back to see Jenny first?” 

“I guess I have to.” Yaz sighs. She always knew she would have to go back there at some point but she didn’t know it would be so soon. She doesn’t feel ready. 

“If she hurts you I’ll be round there in a flash. Ba-bam!” Ryan pulls out a fake pair of handcuffs that look identical to Yaz’s work ones along with an attached key. 

“And I’ll arrest you for the impersonation of a police officer.” Yaz confiscates his handcuffs and the key. “Where’d you get these?” 

“Joke shop. Going as a police officer for halloween.” 

“That’s next week isn’t it.” Yaz says. Ryan nods. “I’m keeping these.” Yaz shoves the handcuffs into her breast pocket. 

“Oi! Wha-”

“Have these ones instead.” Yaz offers up her official ones for him to use as a prop. Not like she’s going to need them. “Just don’t let any actual police officers see and don’t use them on anyone or you’ll have to go to the station to get them unlocked.” 

“For real? Don’t you need them for work tomorrow?” Ryan asks. 

“I’ve... been given the week off.” Yaz says, trying to hide her shame otherwise she would have to explain.

“Are you going home for the whole week?” 

“Yeah.” Yaz nods hoping he isn’t going to ask anymore questions as to how this situation has come to be.

“Give your sister my number.” Ryan winks, getting up to leave.

“I’ll tell Clara you said that!” Yaz teases.

“Imagine it. Me being the dad to your little niece. My DNA mixed with your families DNA.” He teases back.

“Eurgh disgusting!” 

“It could’ve happened!” Ryan sings.

“Nah.” Yaz mutters to herself once Ryan is gone. “Never.”

Yaz tries to enter the flat as quietly as possible, not knowing if Jenny is home or not. But the second she’s in and hears the TV playing some kind of documentary Yaz knows exactly where Jenny is. She could go to their room and collect her stuff unannounced if she wants… but something is drawing her to the living room. The closer she gets the easier it is to figure it out. Dave is meowing. Or at least that’s what she’s telling herself is the reason. Not the fact that Jenny’s in there too.

“I don’t know buddy.” Yaz hears Jenny’s voice and suddenly she’s hit with how much she’s missed her. Dave meows again and Yaz peers her head around the doorframe just in time to see Jenny picking him up to stop him running towards where Yaz is standing. “Dave, I don’t know when she’s coming-Yaz.” Jenny clocks her. 

Yaz stands there speechless for a moment while Dave is released from Jenny’s grip and runs to start curling himself around Yaz’s legs. Plus, she’s a little bit in shock at hearing Jenny call the cat by his proper name. She never does that; Yaz didn’t even think it was possible for Jenny to form the word.

“Hi.” Yaz says. 

“You-you’re back.” Jenny says walking over at speed with a grin plastered on her face. “Does this mean you’re... what does this-?”

“Jenny I’m going home for a week and I’m only here for some more clothes.” Yaz says before Jenny can come too close. 

“Oh. Oh, okay?” Jenny deflates a little bit. “How come you’ve got the week-”

“I’ve been given time off but really I’m lucky it wasn’t a suspension.” Yaz says, moving into the living room since she spots her favourite jacket hanging over the back of the sofa. 

“Yaz please tell me what that means.” Jenny asks. Following her like a shadow. 

“I’ve been so angry recently I almost punched someone at work on Friday. A civilian.” Yaz says casually. 

“Why have you been angry?” 

“Why’d you think!” Yaz raises her voice a little bit. Instead of Jenny backing off or walking away she closes in on Yaz with a face like thunder. Oh God it’s happening again, Yaz thinks to herself. “We didn’t exactly leave it on a good note.”

“Maybe if you replied to me-” 

“I’ve been busy at work.”

“Yeah, almost hitting civilians.”

“Oh- now that’s low.” Yaz says. “I shouldn’t have even told you I should’ve just got my stuff and left.” 

“Do you realise how humiliating it’s been hoping you’ll reply, checking my phone every two seconds and imagining notifications and then getting nothing? I’ve been angry about it all too, you’re not the only one involved in this.” Jenny corners Yaz from leaving the room. “I was trying so hard not to hate you.”

“Hate  _ me _ ?” Yaz is shocked. She’s never seen Jenny behave like this. “You! You’re so hot and beautiful and perfect for me and stupid and I hate that and I hate that even though we just keep fighting I still can’t help but fucking love you!” 

“You’re the one who threw your ring at me!”

“Oh would you just shut up about that.” 

“Fucking make me!” 

A soft thud against the wall indicates to the both of them that in her rage Jenny has backed Yaz up against the wall. Breath is leaving their bodies quivering and chests are rising until they’re a centimeter away from meeting and having to fall back again. That’s only when Yaz manages to get the air unstuck from her throat. Her eyes keep dropping down to Jenny’s lips  _ stop looking at her lips _ and when they do Jenny licks them every time  _ stop looking at her lips _ and oh shit she hasn’t felt herself getting this wet in months. She shouldn’t be turned on by this, she really shouldn’t, it’s borderline toxic but Jesus Christ it’s only Jenny and only Jenny is enough. Jenny’s eyes stay firmly locked on her lips and Yaz wishes her thoughts would just stay still and let her think.

“Make me regret ever mentioning it.” Jenny mutters in an ‘I dare you’ way.

Yaz dominates Jenny’s mouth within the instant she decides to go with it and Jenny’s moaning into her just as quickly and unreservedly. If Jenny wants her to teach her a lesson in regret Yaz just gave herself an automatic PhD in it and she intends to use it but at the same time, Yaz is just as desperate, gripping onto Jenny’s shoulders and hips and neck and stomach until they figure out what they’re doing and dislodge her shirts. Jenny herself unclips her braces to help be rid of the restrictive clothing and Yaz uses the moment to roughly switch places, making Jenny the one with her back pressed to the wall. Jenny cooperates by arching her back up off the wall so Yaz can rid her of her bra leaving the top of her body is bare and at Yaz’s disposal. Despite the playground laid out in front of her Yaz shoves her hand down Jenny’s pants with no remorse and starts rubbing her in a way she knows will get her off and quick. After she stops herself from sliding down the wall Jenny reaches to remove a piece of Yaz’s clothing- anything- just something to see some of Yaz’s skin but Yaz doesn’t want her touching her yet. Using her free hand Yaz moves it away and grips on to Jenny’s jaw, forcing her to look her in the eye.

“No.” Yaz shakes her head, starting to talk directly onto Jenny’s lips as she presses herself into her. Jenny’s eyes are so wide and black she looks like she’s just about ready to collapse; especially as her rejected hand is gripping onto Yaz’s jacket, just under the pocket with Ryan’s confiscated handcuffs. “I know you Jenny. Even if you get rid of me forever I still have all this knowledge about you. I know where you like to be touched, I know you can’t finish without your clit being stimulated in some kind of way, I know you like it when I suck on your tits, I know how your sex drive works, I know all your kinks, fetishes and the sweet spots that make you lose your fucking mind-” 

“-fuck you-” Jenny tries to curse her through her jaw that’s being held shut.

“-and I know when you’re about to come.” She whispers directly into her ear as she removes her hand denying Jenny the orgasm that was so close to rippling through her. For a split second Yaz thinks she’s removed herself too late, but soon it’s obvious that the noise coming out of Jenny’s mouth isn’t a moan but more of a frustrated growl. “Turn around.” Yaz orders. Jenny groans as she does and her arms get pulled behind her, probably regretting provoking her into this. But then that’s what she asked for. All Yaz is doing is following instructions. 

“I know things about you too-”

The fake cuffs click into place over Jenny’s wrists. 

“Are you sure you want to try it? I’m serious.” Yaz breathes against Jenny’s naked shoulder; the ache between her own legs becoming more and more unbearable by the second.

Jenny turns herself back around and before she can say something that will ruin whatever this is that’s playing out Yaz pulls on Jenny’s lip with her teeth and uses her hand to guide her the short few steps it takes to get around to the front of the sofa. 

“Are you sure?” Jenny has to check the second they break apart to breathe. 

“Yes you idiot.” Yaz tries to reconnect their mouths.

“Stop calling me an idiot I’m just-” 

“I’ll call you what I want.”

“Uuh- god-”

Jenny can’t help but sigh heavily as Yaz uses her mouth to keep the blonde preoccupied while she uses her hands to take off her jeans; a plan forming in her mind of what she wants to do. Yaz sits herself down, leaving Jenny standing vulnerable, turned on and half naked. Yaz has to place her secretly frantic hands on either side of her waist to tug her forward. She needs this. She needs her. She wants her. Fuck, she can’t go one more second without her.

Yaz leaves harsh kisses against Jenny’s stomach, using one hand to unclip Jenny’s culottes and remove her underwear and her other hand holding Jenny up to keep her standing. She can smell her- smell how close she managed to get her and how badly she still needs release. Yaz spits on her thigh as a lubricant and forces Jenny’s burning core down onto it.

“Shit!” Jenny swears as her hips jolt into action, Yaz’s hands not needing to guide her at all.

“Keep your eyes open.” Yaz says, watching Jenny do exactly what she’s told. Yaz purposefully bites down on her lip as she does some kind of elaborate strip tease, taking off her blouse and bra.

“You frustrate me so much.” Jenny admits. “I can’t- uhn- I couldn’t fin… not without you. I tried but-” 

“Me neither.” Yaz confesses, running her tongue over the valley between Jenny’s breasts. Unfortunately that provokes Jenny into rocking more violently, her thigh hitting into Yaz’s center making Yaz groan and tighten the muscles in her legs, her groan and muscle flex then consequently tipping Jenny over the edge and bashing their foreheads together. 

“I hate you sometimes.” Jenny pants when she regains control over her body. Yaz kisses her again, flicking her tongue against the roof of Jenny’s mouth. 

“Show me.” Yaz whines. “Please.”

“That’s the thing about you Yaz.” Jenny smirks, making her way down her body and off of her leg. “You’ve always pretended you’ve had control of yourself around me. Do you realise how many times I caught you staring at my body- mainly my hands- within those first four months of knowing each other?”

Jenny parts Yaz’s legs by kneeling and sliding her head in between them. From here Yaz can see her handcuffed wrists behind her back and she almost shakes in anticipation. Looking down to see why things aren’t going anywhere, she realises Jenny is looking up and denying any kind of pleasure while she waits for an answer. 

“No?” Yaz whimpers. She won’t give her the satisfaction of begging for her mouth. 

“Thirty-two.” Jenny pulses and waves her tongue from the lace of Yaz’s underwear up to her belly button. “The truth is you can’t resist me Yasmin Khan.” 

“Would you just shut up!” Yaz reminds her she has the most control by pushing her head down to her crotch again with her hands that aren’t bound.

A big mistake really, as Jenny pinches the damp fabric between her teeth and peels it away down her legs using only her mouth; crawling back up painfully slowly. Her mouth covers the entirety of Yaz’s heat before her tongue runs through her folds parting them until she reaches her clit and Yaz has to cover her face with her hands; biting on her middle finger to not give Jenny the satisfaction of hearing her moan. She doesn’t deserve it. She resents that Jenny’s so skilled with her mouth when half the time she can’t form a coherent sentence that people can understand. Jenny scrapes her teeth against the bud of nerves and Yaz can’t resist anymore letting a noise rip through her throat. From then on Jenny works in a relentless pattern until Yaz comes open mouthed and shaking, tugging on Jenny’s hair hoping to transfer some kind of feeling. . 

She thought the sex would clear her head. Get rid of the anger the hatred the frustration at Jenny- and it has. But her mind isn’t clear. It’s just...sad. Upset. She loves the blonde that’s still panting onto her cunt so much she feels she could die but they’re still stuck. Jenny’s head settles on her thigh, nestling into the crook of Yaz’s hip and pressing her body into Yaz’s legs since her hands are still cuffed behind her back and Yaz starts stroking her fingers through her hair. They sit like this until heart rates go back to normal and Jenny’s legs are almost on the verge of cutting off blood circulation. 

“That didn’t help did it.” Jenny mutters quietly against her hipbone.

Yaz lets out a choked up huff of frustration instead of a word. She refuses to speak. If she speaks she’ll cry, she just knows it.

“Uncuff me.” Jenny requests.

“No.” Yaz chokes.

“Yaz don’t be an arse.” Jenny says softly. Yaz can’t be mad at her anymore, she doesn’t have it in her to hold another grudge against her.

“If I uncuff you, you’ll hug me and I don’t think I can cope with that.” Yaz gives a shaky and hurried confession. 

Jenny sighs as she lifts her head leaving Yaz’s skin feeling the cold. Yaz stays staring at the ceiling, thinking Jenny’s going to come and sit next to her but a minute of rustling passes and Yaz looks down to see Jenny in some indescribable position trying to reach for Yaz’s discarded jacket’s pocket.

“Jen, you’ll hurt yourself.” Yaz sits up and gives in, retrieving the key and freeing Jenny’s hands.

With a circular flick of her wrists Jenny turns back around and without missing a beat sits in Yaz’s lap, crossing her legs behind Yaz’s back. Yaz can’t look at Jenny when she cradles her face and when Jenny realises the fact, she leaves a kiss on her temple and cheekbone and hugs her gently.

Right on cue Yaz begins to cry, making the hug tighter than Jenny intended. All these emotions spilling out and not just about Jenny. She almost got fired a few days ago, from her dream job no less. She’s living in a house that she’s trying so hard to feel welcome in but it’s just not the same as being at home with Jenny. What happened just now feels more like a set back than a way forward; they’re not angry with each other now but what will happen when their next bickering match comes up? A bit of sex isn’t going to be a permanent fix. And Yaz doesn’t want to hurt Jenny again like she has.

“I’m sorry.” Yaz sobs into Jenny’s shoulder. 

“Me too.” Jenny mumbles. 

“How are we going to get out of this?”

“We’ll find a way baby.” Jenny lifts her head and hand to cradle Yaz’s head again. She nods, securing her lips on Yaz’s for a precious moment. “We will find a way.”

Yaz and Jenny sit holding each other, crying into bare skin, stroking backs, kissing cheeks and foreheads every now and then and quite frankly being more intimate than they’re been in months together until Yaz realises the time.

“Jenny my train leaves in thirty five minutes.” She whispers. There’s a pause that makes her nervous the longer it goes on.

“I’m not going to try and stop you from seeing your family.” Jenny says. “But I’ll drive you to the train station. If you want.” 

“Would you?” Yaz asks, lifting her head away from Jenny’s body.

“Yeah.” Jenny nods. “Might need to put some clothes on first. And you might need a shower, I wouldn’t doubt your mum to smell-.”

“Jenny.” Yaz says to stop her going off on a tangent. 

Jenny raises her gaze to await Yaz’s sentence continuation by looking her in the eyes. The emotions behind those hazel green eyes silence Yaz straight away and somehow it upsets her again. She looks like she’s expecting another verbal hit but Yaz doesn’t want to do that, she doesn’t want that at all, she just wants to say I love you but we’re not fixed yet without it being a punch in the gut. She knows she’s taking forever to say something but Jenny’s sitting, waiting so patiently, so sweetly that it hurts. Everything’s still a muddle. Yaz starts playing with Jenny’s hair again without knowing. It’s longer than it was when she left and she’ll probably cut it again by the time she comes back. Realising she’s getting dangerously side tracked, Yaz forces herself to say something.

“Jenny…” Yaz whispers her name again, expecting something else to follow but it doesn’t come.

Jenny smiles politely. 

Sadly.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> supreme the cat watched them hate fuck xoxoxo


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw discussions about having a baby/being pregnant. just in case that's a sensitive subject for some people

“You’re being quiet.” Najia says after only two minutes of Yaz sitting quietly in the passenger seat.

“Please not now mum.” Yaz readjusts herself to stare out of the window. She’s used the entire train journey to think about it but it she can’t stop playing it over and over. All those things she said to Jenny, all those things Jenny said to her all while both of them are desperately trying to get the other off. And then everything after that when barely any words were spoken at all and Yaz for the first time in ages wanted to just _be_ with Jenny. “Thank you for picking me up from the station.” Yaz changes subject.

“It’s alright. I wouldn’t want you to walk home in the dark. Grace sounded worried about you.” Yaz takes her gaze off of the highstreet lit only by street lamps whizzing by. “Like she’d seen you a lot the past few weeks.”

“Mum-”

“Please, Yaz, please talk to me.” Najia begs.

“If I tell you what’s going on,” Yaz gives in. “you have to promise not to say anything until I’ve finished.”

“I promise.” Najia says with no hesitation. She really must be full of concern.

“Jenny and I are going through a complicated patch so I’ve been living with Grace and Graham for two weeks. So far.” 

Najia stays quiet for a moment to make sure Yaz has finished speaking. “Can I ask why you have a surprise week off?”

“No.” Yaz says. 

“Have you been fired?” Najia persists.

“No mum! Please stop asking.” Yaz becomes defensive and the two women take a minute to calm down in silence. 

“Can I ask more about Jenny?” Najia asks timidly.

“Maybe later.” Yaz mumbles the request away.

Najia doesn’t ask anything else for the rest of the short ride home, probably hoping that if she says nothing now she’ll get all the juicy details when they’re back. However on the elevator ride up to the family flat, Yaz know exactly what she’s going to do first. 

“Hey! I’m home.” Yaz announces loudly.

“Shh! Aliya’s sleeping.” Sonya hushes her while at the same time greeting her with a warm hug. Something Yaz still isn’t quite used to yet but it’s nice. 

“Can I go see her?” Yaz lowers her voice to not quite a whisper.

“So long as you promise not to wake her up.” Sonya lays down the terms and conditions Yaz blindly presses accept on. 

Yaz doesn’t need guidance to Sonya and Aliya’s room since it’s Yaz’s old one. Yaz still held ownership of the bigger room when she first moved in with Jenny but when they got their own flat and Sonya announced her pregnancy she realised there wasn’t any point to clinging on. Everything that’s been left at her family home that is hers has been shifted into Sonya’s old room of occupancy. Entering her old room however, Yaz’s eyes go directly towards the cot at the end of the bed and inside it a sleeping copy of her baby sister. 

“She’s grown since you last saw her.” Sonya muses by Yaz’s shoulder.

“She’s so big now.” Yaz whispers. “I can’t wait to see her properly tomorrow.” 

“I can’t wait for you to give me a break.” Sonya chuckles. “C’mon, you’re just in time for dinner.” 

The interrogation starts just after dinner, luckily without Hakim. Najia will inform him when he gets back from work later tonight no doubt. Yaz knows it’s coming and has planned her answers, but it doesn’t make it not as hard when it finally happens.

“So. What is there left to explain?” Najia asks. 

“What’s going on?” Sonya asks, joining in the conversation. The fact they were all sitting around the table doesn’t help it feel less like a board meeting.

“I…” Yaz is suddenly at a loss for words. “Me and Jenny…” Najia and Sonya both lean forward, not wanting to jump the gun. “I guess we’re kind of on a break.”

“Why?” Sonya asks.

“We kept arguing. Badly.” Yaz shuffles uncomfortably in her seat before the shameful admittance. “I threw my ring at her.”

“Oh Yasmin…” Najia sighs with disappointment.

“It’s still on her finger though mum.” Sonya points.

“We aren’t _broken up_ broken up but we needed time apart. We still kinda do, that’s why I’m here. Then we have to rebuild.” Yaz explains.

“What if there’s nothing left to rebuild from?” Najia asks.

“There’s something.” Yaz says confidently. “I won’t elaborate.” She adds when she spots her mother and her sister sharing a look. 

Yaz explains the best she can without giving away everything. Everything being the fact her and Jenny had sex this morning and all the drama that happened at work. Those confessions will stay close to her chest for as long as possible. Surprisingly, Najia stays quiet through the explanation and Sonya keeps all judgement to herself. To Yaz, it’s suspicious, and it’s not until she’s chilling out in her bed and Sonya comes barging in that she realises she hasn’t escaped explaining just yet.

“I know when you’re not telling the whole story to mum.” Sonya says accusingly. “You can tell me. I promise I won’t snitch.”

“How do I know you won’t?” Yaz sits up, crossing her legs underneath herself while simultaneously patting the mattress as an invite for her sister to sit down. 

“Yaz, you’ve seen the baby sleeping next door come out of my-”

“Alright, okay!” Yaz stops her.

“I’m just saying, that kind of stuff creates bonds. I know there’s something else to this story and you don’t have to hide it from me.” Sonya says halfheartedly. She looks and sounds tired and probably won’t press if Yaz denies a conversation right now. Yaz even goes to do so but different words she wasn’t expecting come out of her mouth.

“I should probably start with why I have this week off.”

“That’s a good starting point.” Her sister agrees with her.

Yaz looks down and her hands sitting in her lap and she rotates her ring around her finger one time. She wishes Jenny was here with her.

“The whole Jenny thing frustrated me so much that it started affecting how I was at work. I got called to a domestic on Friday. I tried to break it up and I got shoved back and the next thing I knew my mentor was holding me back from throwing a punch. So Sarge gave me the week off to cool down instead of sacking me.” 

“Fucking hell Yaz.” 

“I know. And then this morning. When Grace told me to go home, I had to go back to the flat to get some more clothes. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Jenny in about two weeks and I kind of blamed her for what happened at work so we started to argue again but- you can’t judge for this next bit.”

“I’m not going to.” Sonya reassures her.

“We were arguing, and then we ended up having sex- you said you wouldn’t judge!” Yaz is interrupted by Sonya gasping.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I just don’t want any details please. Keep going.” 

Yaz decides to continue, but cautiously. “We were having this sex and it just felt different. The whole time- it wasn’t dirty talk but like… the whole time we were saying things like how we’ve hurt each other and the things we hate about each other.”

“Oh! So you had hate sex.” Sonya says casually.

“No but this is the thing! After I uncuffed her-”

“Whoa!” Sonya backs off a bit. Understandably.

“-sorry but after… that, we just held each other and cried.” Yaz leaves out that she was mainly the one crying. “And I felt better. I wasn’t mad at her or anything just really really upset that we’re in this situation.” 

“That’s why you told mum you haven’t burnt out completely.” Sonya concludes. Yaz nods. “I can see why.”

“Please don’t tell her. About what happened at work.” Yaz begs.

“Seriously, I won’t. I might tell about you and Jenny though.”

“You can’t!” Yaz’s eyes grow wide and panicked. 

“C’mon man! You’ve snitched on me having sex like five times, I’ve never had a chance to do the same with you.” 

“That’s because I was careful unlike you. You snitched on yourself.”

“What? When, how?” Sonya gets confused.

“You got pregnant.” Yaz says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Oh, shit, yeah, I did do that.” Sonya reminds herself. Yaz half smiles half frowns at her sisters oblivious energy. “Do you think you and Jenny will have kids?”

“I don’t even know if we’re going to get married at the moment.” Yaz sighs. 

“You could have a kid without being married.” Her sister suggests hopefully. 

“Sonya.”

“Yeah?”

“Please stop talking about my failing relationship.” Yaz requests. 

“It’s not failing Yaz you said yourself that it's just a bit tricky at the moment.” Sonya places her hand on Yaz’s shoulder making Yaz tense up and freeze for a second before looking down at it. She looks back at Sonya, then back at her hand. 

“That’s weird- this is weird.” Yaz says. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna go.” Sonya slaps her shoulder and leaves so that they can both get some sleep. 

  


“Hey baby girl!” Yaz picks her niece up out of her cot. “Do you remember me? Please say you remember me.” Yaz speaks to her as Aliya stares at Yaz as if she’s asking ‘who on earth are you?’. 

“Yaz can you feed her?” Sonya rushes in, coat half on her arm and with only one shoe on. “I overslept and I can’t lose this job. I’ve already changed her. Thank you!” She rushes out again but doesn’t get far at all before poking her head back in. “Oh and I’ve cancelled all childcare for the week because I knew you’d be home.”

“Wha-”

“Love you!” 

“What does she even eat?” Yaz calls after her but it’s too late. Her sister’s already gone. 

Turns out, thanks to the input of Nani Najia, Aliya eats cheerios for breakfast. Yaz sits her in her highchair and spends about ten valuable minutes trying to figure out how to strap her in. She reckons this would be another one of those things Jenny has never done before but is magically an expert at, but Jenny isn’t here and Yaz has to figure it out herself. Unlike her mother, Aliya is good at sitting patiently for Yaz to sort everything out and pull up a chair in front of her. 

“You want these now or do you want them soggy?” Yaz asks, forgetting she’s not going to get the same answer she would from someone who can speak. Aliya reaches for the tiny plastic spoon, the safety straps being the only restraint holding her back. “Now then.” 

“Morning Yaz.” Hakim appears and it’s the first Yaz has seen her dad in ages.

“Alright dad. You going to work too?” Yaz asks.

“‘Fraid so.” He mutters. “And how's my granddaughter doing, ey?” Hakim strokes her chubby cheek that’s half made up of baby chubb half full of cereal.

“She’s good.” Yaz says.

“Better than you from what I’ve heard.” He sighs and strokes the top of her head like he used to when Yaz came home from a bad day at school.

“I’m fine dad.” Yaz insists. Except the more she thinks of it the further she strays from ‘fine’.

“You’re strong Yaz but you’re always putting on a brave face like your mother.” 

“Ergh don’t say that!” 

“My point is,” Hakim presses on. “If you want to talk about it, I’m all ears.” He checks his watch. “But not now because I need to go to work.” 

“Wait has mum gone too?” Yaz asks. 

“Yes but she’ll be back at lunch, she’s got a half day today- hold on how come you’ve-”

“Later dad.”

“Right, later, got it, later. Must get going, gotta get…” Hakim mumbles to himself the entire way to and out the door. 

And Yaz is left alone.

“What do you want to do today?” She asks the baby sitting in front of her. No response. Just some milk dribbling down her chin. “Don’t look at me like that, I don’t know either.” 

As Yaz says it she realises how much she sounds like Jenny talking to the cat and it reminds her why she wanted this space between them in the first place. They were so glued to each other they’ve literally ended up turning into each other. They may be in a relationship together but they, specifically Yaz, needs to keep their senses of individuality. 

Once Aliya’s eaten a decent amount Yaz frees her from her restraints and places her on the square playmat in the middle of the sofas, just in eyeline while Yaz cleans up. When that’s done Yaz gets to inspect the playmat and the toys neatly tucked away in the basket next to it. There are different tabs of fabric poking out of the sides for her to play with and stimulate all her senses. Yaz smiles as she makes a joke to herself about how Jenny could find use in one of these but the thought soon makes her uncomfortably sad so she decides to rummage through the toy basket instead. Her first thought is how come so many of these are so tech based for a seven month old but her second thought is more ‘holy shit this stuff is cute’. She becomes overwhelmed with the want to snap pictures of each and every chew toy, cuddly animal, rattle and send it to Jenny. She could do it, but it would be the first thing she sends to her in weeks. It hadn’t gone amiss that Jenny hadn’t text last night at all. ‘ _Do you realise how humiliating it’s been hoping you’ll reply, checking my phone every two seconds and imagining notifications and then getting nothing?’_ that’s what Jenny had said to her. 

The feeling of a tiny hand with splayed fingers against her knee is enough to yank Yaz back into the present. Aliya’s sitting up, her other hand fiddling with one of the more silky tabs and her big brown eyes, just like her mother’s, are focusing on the action with equal intensity. _My sister made you,_ Yaz thinks to herself. It seems impossible but it happened. She’s here.

Yaz lays herself down on her side and starts to fiddle with the tab next to the one Aliya’s playing with. There’s a clear moment of suspicion in Aliya, but after Yaz flashes her a smile she goes back to playing as normal. Yaz joins in, not neglecting to keep her phone on loud and her screen visible in the corner of her eye at all times.

“Hiya loves.” Najia says from the front door. Time must’ve been flying by so quickly if she’s back.

“We’re over here mum.” Yaz calls.

“Have you fed her yet?” Najia asks as she comes in. 

“Considering Son left me with absolutely no instructions, no I haven’t fed her.” 

“I told her to write it all down for you.” Najia tuts. “She has a bit of milk before a midday kip. You stay there, I’ll make it.”

Yaz gets herself up from the floor to regain some blood flow around her body. She also takes the time to check her phone, refresh all the apps she has Jenny on to check if she’s been in contact but Yaz has missed the notification. Nothing.

“Put your phone down and pick her up.” Najia instructs.

“Oh, mum, I don’t- I don’t know how to-”

“She’s a baby Yasmin not a shark. She’s not going to bite you.” Najia says picking up on her fear. Yaz picks her niece up like she’s told and sits her on her lap. “She doesn’t even have teeth yet, you’re safe. Just put it near her mouth and she’ll take it if she’s hungry.”

Yaz does just that and Aliya starts to drink from the bottle. It’s kinda cute for Yaz to witness. She’s never had the chance to bond like this before. Noticing her phone isn’t face up, Yaz quickly fixes that. Just in case.

“Right, we aren’t doing this again. You either text her and stop staring at your phone every five seconds or I’m taking it off you.” Najia says firmly, snatching away the phone.

“Mum! I’m twenty two!” Yaz protests.

“Yes and literally a month and a few days away from being twenty three which means you’re old enough and capable enough to _just text her_.” Najia says in the way all mothers do when they know they’re right. “Can I ask one more thing about you and Jenny?” She asks. 

“You’ve done this to corner me haven’t you.” Yaz realises how her plot has come together. There’s a feeding baby on her lap and she can’t escape.

“Listen, all I want to know-”

“Whenever you say that it’s always something I don’t want to answer.”

“-were you having trouble in the bedroom.”

“Mum.” Yaz groans to warn her to stop while she’s ahead.

Najia lowers her voice. “Sex wise.”

“Mum!” Yaz’s cheeks burn as her voice goes to a higher pitch.

“I only want the full picture.” Najia insists.

“I don’t want you picturing anything!” 

“Not like that!” Najia pushes Yaz’s arm. “I just know sex is important for you and Jenny.” 

“What- how do you- why would you think that?” Yaz knows she’s starting to spiral.

“Yaz, it’s dead obvious you two are always looking for a chance to have sex.”

“Mum, please-”

“That time when you both came to visit for the weekend after Aliya was born.” Najia prompts the memory of two nights of giggling and trying not to be found out. I was probably the last time they did it before things started to feel wrong for Yaz.

“I...we… mum I don’t want to talk about this.” Yaz begs for this torture to stop.

“I’m just thinking if something's gone wrong there-”

“Yes, mum, we’ve had trouble with sex for a while, can you just stop asking please!” Yaz snaps. Everything goes quiet then. The only sound being the soft noises Aliya makes while she eats. She didn’t want to tell her mum that but now she’s said it there’s no going back. There's no such things as time machines.

“Have you tried-”

“Mum you’re talking about me, your daughters sex life in front of your seven-month-old granddaughter.” Yaz tries to make her increasingly invasive mother see sense.

“She’s not going to know any difference.” Najia waves Yaz’s concern away. “Every couple goes through a dry spell.”

“Mum I’m sorry but you’re being so inconsiderate right now. I’ve told you I don’t want to talk about sex, specifically me and Jenny having sex, or the lack of us having sex, I just don’t want to talk to my mum about sex, this child has stopped feeding how do I burp it!”

Yaz finds herself a little bit breathless after her mini speech. If she hadn't cried for ages into Jenny’s shoulder yesterday she would probably be welling up by now but she’s not. Instead she’s just totally emotionally tired. 

“I’m sorry Yaz.” Najia kisses Yaz’s forehead and suddenly everything is forgiven. She’s only a mum trying to connect with her kid. Her kid who lives far away and neglects her duty to stay in touch far too often. Najia fetches a cloth rag and drapes it over Yaz’s shoulder; helping adjust Aliya too.

“Ehx.”

The noise comes out of Aliya’s mouth sounding like a word she really should not know yet. The heads of the adults in the room whip round to look at each other- to double check that they both heard it.

“Did she just… was her first word just...?” Yaz begins to ask but she can’t bring herself to actually say it.

“We say no more of this.” Najia says, evidently scared.

“It might’ve just been a noise-”

“Yaz we say. No. More.” 

Just like that mother and daughter are sworn to secrecy and Yaz decides she would be a terrible, _terrible_ mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next episode on Keeping up with the Khan's


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what kind of crack I was on when I wrote this one but
> 
> (I do, it's foreshadowing crack)

“You were given the week off work for a reason.” Najia says as she snatches the handbook out of Yaz’s hands. 

“I was reading that!” Yaz huffs, swiping to regain it from her mother's grip. 

“You’ve been home for two days now Yaz and all you’ve done is scrub up on work procedures.” 

“That’s what I want to do.” Yaz shrugs. 

“Yaz. No one relaxes by reading their work handbook.” Najia stares her down. “Look, go to the shops and get some sweets for the trick or treaters tomorrow. And some decorations if you like.” Najia hands her some cash. 

“Do I have to?” Yaz asks. 

“Take Aliya with you, she needs some fresh air.” 

Staring down at the baby attached to her chest on the bus ride into town Yaz finds herself unable to break eye contact. The pram was a nightmare and she couldn’t be bothered with it so she went for the papoose instead but now instead of resting against her chest and napping like she’s supposed to Aliya is just...staring back. Her tiny pink bobble hat covering her little elf ears to keep her warm, little gloves protecting her hands and a coat that makes her body look ten times bigger than her head. Yaz is so enamoured by her. She didn’t even think she had a maternal fiber in her body until this kid came along.

“You’ve never experience Halloween before.” Yaz says once she’s off the bus. “To people about five to thirteen it’s fun. Don’t ask me the technicalities or origins of it because I don’t know. All I know is for kids it’s fun and you dress up and knock on doors for sweets, for adults it’s fun because you dress up and get drunk and go to parties, and for the police it’s just a nightmare.” 

Aliya stares like she’s hanging onto every word she says and Yaz gets a nerve wracking feeling that these things she’s telling her will be embedded in her psyche for the rest of her life. It’s a lot of responsibility.

“You can also watch scary movies but you’re too young for that. Every year Jenny and I watch Hocus Pocus together.” Yaz pauses trying not to think about how they won’t get to do it this year. “I reckon you’d like Jenny. She’s more fun than me because she’s got way more energy. Sometimes she’ll pretend to come to bed and then when she thinks I’m asleep she’ll leave again and go and fuss around doing something to wear herself out. She’s really kind and sweet and even though she’s been through a lot it’s like… she just isn’t ever mean to anyone. And I’m talking to a baby about her rather than telling her all this stuff myself, nice one Yaz.”

That seems to evoke a giggle from her niece and Yaz considers maybe making a fool of herself more often wouldn’t hurt if this is the reward she gets. God, she’s acting like this is her own child, it’s ridiculous how attached she’s getting. And she wishes she can tell someone else other than her family about it. 

She’s lucky in that there’s a few multipacks of sweets left at all. This isn’t exactly the best time, the afternoon before Halloween when the shelves haven’t been restocked yet, but there’s some and kids are going to get them for free so it’s not like they have the right to complain about it. 

“Are you allowed sweets yet?” Yaz asks out loud. “Probably not, I think your mum might kill me.” 

The light weight of Aliya’s head hits her chest. Looking down, Yaz sees that she’s fallen asleep against her and she can’t help but leave a kiss on the top of her head. Yaz scoops up the multipack bags, hoping they’re not going to rustle too much and wake up the sleeping baby, and goes towards the decorations section. Again there’s not much there, but enough to make the door look half decent and inviting. Some ‘do not enter’ tape, fake spiders and cobwebs and a little pumpkin that will probably be stolen by the end of the night. With her basket full, Yaz heads to the tills.

“Aw, cute baby.” The old man on the till coos. Yaz recognises him from him working here since she was a kid coming in for sweets after school. “How old?”

“Almost eight months.” Yaz answers politely with a smile. 

“You and your husband must be very proud.”

“Huh?” 

“I’m...sorry I thought that was a wedding ring on your finger.” He apologises. 

“Oh! Right, sorry, no that’s my wife.” 

_My wife._ It slips out so easily Yaz stuns herself with the shock. _Jennifer Smith my wife, who I’ve had a child with._ It sounds so good in her head. Feels good to think it. Why didn’t she just say ‘no this is my niece’, ‘my sisters kid’, ‘my mum’s granddaughter’, anything but ‘my wife’.

“Freshly married?” He asks, grinning kindly. “You have that look on your face that says you still can’t quite believe it.”

“You could say that, yeah.”

“That’s £10.75 please love.” Yaz silently hands over the cash and waits for the change as she shoves the sweets and novelty decorations into her backpack. “Have a good day!”

“You too.” Yaz leaves still stunned by herself. 

She pads down the darkening street. _My wife. My wife. My wife._ They aren’t anywhere near an actual wedding yet but her brain just let it slip. Luckily Aliya is still sleeping because if she wasn’t she would probably be staring up at Yaz and Yaz would crumble. She stays dazed about the whole situation the entire way home and for a whole hour after, laying on her bed and turning her phone over and over in her hands. 

To tell Jenny or to not tell Jenny. To tell Jenny or to not tell Jenny. Make contact or leave her alone for another day. _What do you want Yaz,_ she asks herself. Her body answers on behalf of her brain, her fingers already instructing her phone to call her number.

“Hey Jen.” Yaz gets in there to speak first. 

_“Hey, Yaz now isn’t really the best time-”_

“I just need to speak to you for a minute.” Yaz insists despite the hesitant attitude Jenny is giving her. 

_“It might be better if I call you back in literally two minutes I’m-”_

“No Jenny, I just need to say this, let me talk at you, you don’t have to say anything back.” 

_“Fine.”_ Jenny huffs. _"But-"_

“I was in the shops about an hour ago, with Aliya and I was telling her about you. I was saying how cool and amazing you are-”

_“Uh.”_

“-and I was saying about how you’re so beautiful and sweet and everything and I thought ‘why am I telling her and not you this stuff’ and then, at the till, the guy thought she was my kid and he assumed I had a husband but then I said you were my wife like-”

_“Oh... God!”_

The strain in Jenny’s voice was enough to let Yaz know what’s going on but still there’s the addition of knowing what Jenny sounds like when she climaxes; sounds that come out of her mouth as she rides it out floating down the phone connection until it’s only thick and heavy breathing. How long had she been doing that? Yaz ignores the fact she came right as she revealed she referred to her as her wife because that is just too much to handle at the best of times.

“Jen…” Yaz doesn’t quite know what to say.

 _“I tried to tell you.”_ Jenny sighs. Yaz can tell her cheeks are bright red even from half the country away. 

“Why didn’t you stop?”

 _“Too far gone.”_ Jenny groans with an incredible amount of embarrassment. _“I was thinking about how your birthday is this time next month and it made me think about what we did for my twenty-third. I- I was using your- the- you know and I was imagining it was you using it inside me.”_

“Jenny!”

_“I’m sorry! If I can’t have you I might as well try my best to replicate you!”_

“You still have me Jen.” Yaz says softly. Except she then realises she meant physically and tries to get back on subject as quickly as possible. “Why didn’t you let the phone ring out?”

A pause. Part awkward part insecure on Jenny’s part. 

_“Didn’t want to miss a chance to hear your voice.”_ Jenny mumbles so that it’s not quite an official confirmation. _“But then you started saying all those things about me and I’ve told you, it’s hard to finish without you and I couldn’t help it.”_

“Would it- um- would it be better if you called me back when you’re not-”

_“Please.”_

Yaz hangs up without hesitation releasing them both from the situation; expecting Jenny to be too embarrassed to move even just her thumb to end the call. She has to take a second to process what just happened. Not only Jenny’s… accident but also how uncomposed she was in saying everything to her. Maybe it’s fate that Jenny’s going to call her back. Give Yaz a second chance to say it all again but properly. 

“Well!” Sonya swings Yaz’s door open, Aliya perched on her hip. “ _That_ sounded awkward.” 

“Don’t take the mick out of her.” 

“I’d need the full details to do that, I only heard half the conversation.” Sonya allows herself inside as if this room still belongs to her.

“And you’re not getting them!” 

“It’s fine I’ll just listen in to every conversation you have with her from now on through the wall.”

Sonya sits on the edge of the bed and as soon as she does Aliya begins to reach and grab for Yaz. She wriggles and kicks until the instinct in Yaz takes over and she reaches for her. The second she’s in Yaz’s arms, she stills. 

“Why does my kid prefer you over me?” Sonya asks.

“She doesn’t. It’s because I’ve constantly been around her for a few days. I’ll leave at the end of the week and it'll be back to Aliya and mummy time!” 

The second half of her sentence is said directly at Aliya, fingers tickling her sides and giggling transitions into a screaming laugh but Yaz doesn’t let up. She keeps tickling her niece until she’s wriggling and thrashing and kicking for a different reason. She slips in Yaz’s lap and to readjust her Yaz throws her above her head and holding her life she’s flying which releases another childish scream of joy. The incident that just happened with Jenny is swept from her mind in an instant and her heart is filled with a different kind of love. As well as the burning feeling of her sister’s stare.

“What?” Yaz asks, settling Aliya back into her lap. 

“Nothing.” Sonya smiles and shakes her head. “Has Jenny ever seen you interacting with her like this?” 

“No.”

A sly smile spreads across her sisters lips. “She’ll want to try and put a baby in you as soon as she does.”

“I’ve told you, she probably doesn’t want kids.” Yaz says, not taking her eyes off Aliya’s little hand playing with Yaz’s thumb that looks massive in comparison.

“I didn’t say that, I said she would want to _try_ for one.” She smirks.

“Shut up.” Yaz mutters- the smile pulling on the corners of her lips not doing anything to convince anyone that she’s actually annoyed.

“Come help me feed her dinner while mum makes me help her instead.” Sonya not so much as asks but instructs. 

“She doesn’t seem that hungry.”

Sonya scoffs on the spot. “You wait until I’m five minutes off schedule.” 

Thankfully with Yaz helping she never finds out what Sonya means about being five minutes off schedule. She imagines it’s just what her sister is like when she’s hungry but a lot worse with a lot more kicking and screaming. Feeding a baby takes a lot of time to the point where Yaz is a few minutes late to sit down with the rest of her family to eat. The whole time, Yaz is absently thinking about whether Jenny has managed to get herself to move from whatever predicament she left her in and when she’s going to call back. If she’s going to call back. So, instead of sitting down with her parents and sister to watch some TV after Aliya’s gone to bed, Yaz doesn’t let Jenny run away from the situation any longer. 

_“Hello.”_ Jenny answers casually.

“Are you avoiding me?” Yaz asks. 

_“Maybe a little bit but I hope you can understand why. Not my finest hour.”_

“It’s not that big of a deal Jen. So long as you were thinking about me and not someone else.” Yaz stifles out a laugh. She says it as a joke but the jolt in her stomach indicates a little bit of worry behind it. 

_“Yeah. It was you.”_ Jenny mumbles. Still not brave enough to say it with her chest. _“Started thinking about the first time you used it on me. You got tired.”_ Yaz can hear the faint smile on her lips. 

“And you told me you loved me.” Yaz reminisces.

_“I don’t remember that.”_

“You definitely did. I remember every time you’ve said…”

Yaz tails off hoping that Jenny can finish the sentence by herself. 

_“Yaz.”_ Jenny’s voice dives into the quiet, making ripples in Yaz’s peace. _“It’s harder living without you than it was with you at home feeling off.”_

“I know.” Yaz says. “I think of you every day.”

 _“I can come up.”_ Jenny is quick to offer. 

“No, Jen, I-” She rubs her forehead and sighs. 

_“Tell me what you want Yaz.”_

“It’s not about what I want, it's what I need and-”

 _“But tell me what you want.”_ Jenny presses on like a dog persistent to have its tennis ball thrown.

“You. Supreme-”

_“I like it when you call him that.”_

“-I want to be back at work. I want to marry you- call you my wife. I want you to make me orgasm and not hate your guts that you can so easily afterwards.” Jenny snorts on the other end of the line. “It’s not funny Jenny! I genuinely just want us to be us again and I still don’t know how to make that work.”

 _“Come home.”_ Jenny says gently. _“After this week- just consider it. Don’t go back to Grace and Graham’s, come home to me.”_

“I’ll think about it.” Yaz says. It’s not a promise but it’s something for Jenny to hope towards.

The rest of the conversation is very obviously kept light hearted on both parts. Yaz catches up with how Jenny’s lab work has been, how she’s coping living on her own and whether she’s learnt how to work the thermostat yet. Jenny asks how each member of the Khan family is individually and somehow, after Yaz’s answers, the conversation comes to a natural end and Yaz has to remind herself that gone are the days where they would talk together into the night. 

Her dreams that night are tainted and cursed. Starting with Missy straight up firing her for murdering someone it moved on to Yaz being at home- proper home, with Jenny and the stupid cat- but it feels off. Everything around them- the walls, the furniture, the food, the clothes- they were all dull and heartless like Jenny had never touched the place. But the only place Jenny is touching is her body, a hard length pressing into the small of Yaz’s back until before she knows it she’s on her back the floor letting Jenny have her until the muscles in the blonde’s neck strain, she makes this noise, fills Yaz with a foreign hot liquid, some spilling onto her stomach and thigh and leaves, saying she was alright for a one night stand but she won’t be sending any child support her way. The flat then collapses around her, leaving her to believe she’s as dead as the man she killed and shouting for Jenny to come back and look after her. 

Of course Yaz only finds out this is a dream when she wakes up in a cold sweat with barely any air left in her lungs, Jenny’s name flying out of her throat on repeat and her mother's hands firmly gripping her shoulders to ground her in reality. 

“It’s okay sweetheart, it was just a dream.” Najia cradles Yaz’s head in her shoulder like she’s six years old again as she tries to regain her breath. “It’s alright. It’s okay. Almost woke up the entire floor of the building but you’re fine, you’re home.”

But she’s not home. Home is Jenny. Not that Jenny in her dream, _Jenny_ Jenny. Jenny’s not here. _Is this what it feels like when she wakes Jenny out of bad dreams,_ she can’t help but ask herself. 

The tears and sobs come thick and fast then and Yaz spills everything to Najia. Work, Jenny, the dream, the fear that everything she’s created for herself crumbling around her. And for once her mum doesn’t interrupt or intrude or ask questions Yaz doesn’t want to answer. By the time Yaz is able to ask what the time is she almost has an idea already from the amount of effort Najia’s taking to keep her eyes open. Yaz lets her get back to bed, but Yaz herself stays awake right through until sunrise, unable to close her eyes without seeing walls crumble around her.

Throughout the day Yaz keeps herself busy so she can’t stop to think. She takes at least an hour to pin fake warning tape and cobwebs across the front door, gaining a couple of strange stares off of the post lady who passses her adjusting the same bit of cobweb twice. She goes out to get another pumpkin that she spends a good three hours planning designs for carving them. Of course it’s all an elaborate way of procrastinating and forgetting all while having to look after Aliya at the same time. By midday, Yaz finds herself napping alongside her niece because her body just can’t keep up with how much she’s doing on the amount of sleep she got last night. She could sleep for hours more, but the sound of a crying baby makes it quite difficult. 

“Hey, hey what’s up buddy?” Yaz places her over her chest as if she’s about to burp her. It brings the wails closer to her ear but Yaz doesn’t know what else to do. “It’s alright kid. Did you have a bad dream? Is that it? Do people your age have the capability to dream? Are you even considered a person yet I don’t-”

Aliya vomits over Yaz’s shoulder and all down her back and in that moment Yaz does two things; realises why there’s a rag over your shoulder when you burp kids and wishes people would stop spilling unwanted bodily fluids over her body today. Even if the other incident was only in a dream. 

The poor kid doesn’t get any better throughout the afternoon and if Yaz wanted a distraction she’s sure as hell got one now. But she doesn’t get any worse. So, all Yaz can do is clean up sick, monitor her temperature and keep Aliya’s fluids up. Once everyone’s home, whether it be paranoia or decent mothering instinct Sonya decides to take her to the a&e walk in center with Najia accompanying her. 

No rest for Yaz though, as soon after kids in different costumes start demanding sweets at the door. Only the kids that live in the building come knocking but that’s still a whole load of kids to hand treats to. Still, Yaz plasters on a smile and pretends to be shocked and in awe of all the different costumes she’s faced with; perhaps even stealing a few sweets for herself to chew on while Hakim makes dinner in the background. 

“There you go kid.” Hakim hands Yaz a tray holding a plate of food. They’re never usually allowed to eat in front of the TV, but Yaz guesses her dad is taking pity on her.

“What’s this?”

“New recipe. Don’t ask just give it a try.” He says excitedly, as if his granddaughter hasn’t been sent to hospital.

“Dad, are you worried about Aliya?” Yaz asks, wondering if she should’ve done something sooner. 

“No point in worrying until we have a diagnosis.” He barely looks up from his dinner. 

“Says the conspiracy theorist.” 

Laying on her bed for the first time today, the hours on her alarm clock about to hit double digits, Yaz is still. However, she can’t bring herself to sleep in fear of another haunting set of dreams and forces herself to talk about it. 

_“Alright Yaz.”_ Jenny answers. 

“Hey.” 

_“What’s wrong?”_ Jenny identifies that there’s a problem straight away. 

“Today’s just been stressful. Aliya hasn’t been very well, she threw up on me and stuff.”

 _“I’m sure she’ll be fine.”_ Jenny says. 

“And I didn’t sleep well last night either.” Yaz adds. 

_“So you just phoned me to complain.”_

“Oh, well thanks for the sympathy Jen, I really appreciate it.” Yaz makes herself upset. 

_“No! I mean I don’t mind if you complain! I want you to talk to me.”_ Jenny corrects her mistake. Yaz can’t tell if she decided to take it back when she heard Yaz was annoyed, but there’s a nagging feeling in the back of her mind forcing her to trust Jenny. 

“ _Are you okay Yaz?”_ Jenny asks. She must’ve been quiet for too long.

“I’m fine. Just had a bad dream last night.” Yaz mumbles, still not really wanting to think about it in depth.

 _“What kind of dream?”_ Yaz knows what she’s doing. She’s coaxing her to open up to lead to a more in depth emotional conversation.

“You didn’t by chance grow a penis overnight did you?” Yaz asks. 

_“Nope, don’t think so.”_ Jenny answers seriously followed by the sound of pinging elastic.

“Did you just look down your trousers?” Yaz attempts to hold back a soft laugh.

 _“Maybe. Just to be sure.”_ Yaz can tell that Jenny’s smiling; probably smug that she’s pulling on the heartstrings that will eventually make Yaz unravel. _“Yaz are you sure you’re okay?”_ Another change in tone, realising it’s not going to be as easy over the phone as it used to be. 

“I dreamt you got me pregnant.” Yaz says. 

_“Oh.”_ Jenny sounds a little taken back. Due to a funny feeling in the pit of her gut Yaz makes a mental note to steer away from a proper conversation about their future with or without kids.

“You got me pregnant as a one night stand then left me while the flat got demolished around me.”

After Yaz says it there’s a strained pause. The kind of pause where you have to hold your breath to listen for clues as to how the news is being taken, but still you don’t really know how they receiver is going to react

 _“Am I really that nasty to you in your dreams?”_ Jenny finally speaks again. She sounds a little bit… upset?

“You didn’t actually do it though, it was only a dream so-”

_“But the idea must’ve been in your head somewhere.”_

“Not consciously.” Yaz shrugs even though Jenny won’t be able to see it. “It was probably something Sonya said and how I feel like work being an absolute failure at the moment.”

 _“What did Sonya say?”_ Jenny is obviously suspicious.

“Nothing.”

_“Sure?”_

“I’m sure.”

 _“I’m supposed to be going out in a minute.”_ Jenny sighs.

“Anything nice?”

_“Not without you. I’ve already had to deal with idiots on campus today.”_

“Just don’t get anyone pregnant Jen.” Yaz tries to joke but it still doesn’t sit well with her.

 _“I want to stay at home and watch stupid movies with you.”_ Jenny says.

Down the hall, Yaz hears a key turn in the lock and two sets of feet walk into the flat. 

“Jen I’ve gotta go.” 

_“Wait Yaz!”_ Jenny hurries to fit in once last message. _“I…”_

“Yeah?” Yaz tries to hurry her along. 

_“I promise I’ll never purposefully hurt you.”_

“But you’ve said some things in the past few months Jenny-”

_“I know. I know but-_

“No more excuses Jen. Let’s just admit we’ve hurt each other in the past and try to move on.” Quiet on the other end filling one ear. The sound of someone walking towards her room in the other. “I have to go.”

And Yaz hangs up to go and check on her mum, sister and niece before Jenny can rush an admittance of love or apologies to keep them stuck on the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been a big dumb dumb the past week and couldn't think of anything to reply to comments with but know that you're all seen and I'm very grateful for it


	6. Chapter 6

Aliya only had a bit of a stomach bug that passes in twenty four hours. Now it’s Friday evening; Aliya’s gone to bed, Najia’s ironing her clothes for tomorrow and Yaz is considering which home she’s going to go back to tomorrow morning. Grace and Graham with their warm homemade meals a patients of saints with Yaz’s situation. Or Jenny, with her chaotic nature but all good intention to make Yaz happy and get back on track again as a couple. 

“You’ve got that intense look on your face again.” Najia comments without warning. No side glances, no tuts or raised eyebrows, she just says it.

“What intense look?” Yaz asks, putting her internal debate on hold. 

“The one where you already know the answer to whatever you’re questioning but you’re still trying to convince yourself the other option is better.” 

Yaz’s eyes narrow at the casual way she says it. “Stop knowing what’s in my head.”

“I’m your mother it’s my job.” Najia settles the iron on its base, abandoning it to come and sit with her kid. “What is it, what’s the issue?” She asks, curling her knees under herself. 

“Which flat do I go back to tomorrow?” Yaz asks, voice more tense than she thought it would be. She watches her mother’s face soften sweetly- her hand going to tuck some loose hair behind Yaz’s ear.

“Sweetheart, I think the fact you just said flat and not house says it all.” 

Yaz stands in front of the flat door blankly wondering if she’s making the right decision. She’s already called ahead to Grace to say she won’t be coming back there but she has an open invitation to stay whenever she wants. Or if it gets bad here again. She was expecting to stay away for at least a month but she’s only done two weeks at Grace and Graham’s and then one at home which to be fair wasn’t planned but it did help. Quite a bit actually. Knowing she can’t put it off any longer, Yaz lifts her key to the lock.

But the door opens from the other side without warning.

“Jesus- Yaz!” Jenny jumps back with her hand clutching her chest and coughing from inhaling the lollipop she was sucking on, probably left over from Halloween. “What are you doing here?” 

“I think I’ve had enough time.” Yaz says timidly. Jenny’s face crinkles trying to figure out what that means. Two seconds before Yaz decides to give Jenny a hint the invisible lightbulb above her head stretches her skin out again and pulls up a smile. 

“You mean-”

“Yeah.” Yaz nods. She’s home.

Jenny sighs with happiness and removes the lolly from her mouth, stepping forward and tilting her head as if she’s about to give Yaz a kiss. 

“Jen.” Yaz leans back. She was ready to come home but she’s not quite ready for this yet.

“Right. Sorry.” Jenny twitches nervously so Yaz pulls her into a hug instead. That’s what she really wants.

The sweets she’s been eating make her smell of lemon sherbet and Yaz sort of hates it for masking Jenny’s natural smell that identifies her as her. But it’s still Jenny, undoubtedly. If she can’t tell by smell she can tell by feel. How her body presses against her and slots into place perfectly. It almost makes her feel dizzy and she clings onto her with an even stronger grip.

“You’re hugging me really tight.” Jenny wheezes. 

“Sorry.” It’s Yaz’s turn to apologise and releases her. Not that she wants to. 

“No, I liked it.” Jenny shuffles restlessly on her feet.

“Were you going somewhere?” Yaz asks to fill the space with noise before the reunion has the chance to become tainted. 

“Not really. I was gonna pop to the shops and get some snacks. Maybe look at the DVDs, I dunno. I might not now that-”

“Can I come with you?” Yaz interrupts.

“Um- yes, yeah, ‘course you can.” 

It’s clear to Yaz that Jenny can’t quite comprehend that she’s back, here, physically standing in front of her ready to give her a second shot. Yaz throws her suitcase into the flat to be discarded of it and closes the door behind her. Standing next to the shell-shocked blonde, Yaz has to be the first one to walk forward as a lead until Jenny’s feet catch up with her brain and join Yaz at her side. 

“You know you we have a netflix account right?” Yaz reminds her.

“I know.” 

Cheap and shitty microwave meals have been purchased and shoved in the fridge to convince the two of them that they can’t just fill up on snacks for dinner. When they were actually in the shop Jenny insisted she was buying what she was going to buy anyway but the few bowls in front of them now hold all of Yaz’s favourites. Jenny’s trying to make a good impression and it’s showing in everything she’s doing. She starts the film, an indie that Yaz has never heard of before, but Yaz isn’t really paying attention at all. 

Being back in the flat- Supreme napping on top of his scratching pole, Jenny‘s thigh pressing into her own as they sit on the sofa, the walls still standing and all their colour being nothing like the image projected on her in her dream- it feels comforting. She begins to question why she even left, forgetting all the arguments and how she lost track of how in love she is with Jenny. Speaking of, Jenny reaches for a crisp with one hand and as her back hits the back of the sofa again her other arm slips behind Yaz’s shoulders. Yaz feels herself blush but then turns to feeling incredibly stupid. It’s just Jenny.

“Why are we acting like this is our first date?” Yaz grins shyly, unable to decide if she should look at Jenny resulting in her looking like she’s shaking her head.

Jenny laughs nervously, plucking at the cuff of her sleeve. An action that she hasn’t seen her do in a year or so but she guesses that it’s perfectly valid for the situation. 

“We should probably talk, shouldn’t we?” Jenny suggests.

“It’s a bit overdue.” 

“Yeah.” Jenny nods in agreement. She removes her arm from over Yaz’s shoulders so that she can lean forward with her elbows on her thighs. “I keep thinking about your dream. Why your brain might have come up with that.”

“I think I know.” Yaz says. Jenny turns a little with intrigue so that she’s facing Yaz more, rather than the TV. “Obviously I’m nervous about what’s happening with work. Felt- still feel like everything’s breaking down around me-”

“Naturally.”

“-and looking after Aliya made me broody I think.” Yaz lets it spill out. If they’re attempting to get back onto the same page with each other, she might as well bring up the subject now.

“Oh. Okay.” Jenny says. Sounding rather unbothered in all honesty which rings alarm bells.

“Do you know what broody means?” Yaz has to ask.

“No clue.” Jenny pouts.

“It means I’ve been thinking about having kids. Starting a family.” Yaz catches herself bouncing her knee and stops it. She doesn’t want to make this any harder on herself if Jenny reacts badly.

“What’s that got to do with the dream?” Jenny frowns, still completely lost.

“You got me pregnant and then left in it Jenny. The whole thing, I just- this whole time I was worried I couldn’t tell you I might want kids with you because I thought you wouldn’t want kids at all.” Yaz confesses and from the look on Jenny’s face, her knee was right to be bouncing before.

“I don’t want kids.” Jenny says.

Yaz sinks into a slouch. “Exactly.”

“Not right now at least.” Jenny moves her head to get right into Yaz’s face so no signals are misread. “I might change my mind one day and want them.”

“With me?”

“Yes with you, you daft…” Jenny pauses to stop herself from laughing before continuing. “Yaz I’ll always consider doing something if it makes you happy.” 

“But will it make you happy?” Yaz asks. She doesn’t want Jenny to offer to do anything just to please her and her alone.

“I don’t know.” Jenny says. Yaz appreciates her honesty even if it makes her chest feel tight.

“What should we do,” Yaz changes subject after a very long feeling pause; the only sounds being the abandoned film still playing and Jenny cracking her knuckles in her lap. “The next time we argue?” 

“Talk it through I guess.” Jenny shrugs. The intensity of her clicking her knuckles increases.

“We never talked through all the other times.” Yaz notes. 

“Do you think we should now?” Jenny suggests. _Click._

“What, bring up all our dirty laundry?” 

“It might help stop us fighting in the future.” Jenny speaks hopefully. _Click click click._ “But then again the other day you said the past is the past.” 

“It might be safe if we don’t bring it- do you mind just…”

Yaz has to place her hand on top of Jenny’s before the click of cracking knuckles makes her go insane. The touch, the sheer contact after a while of nothing almost make Yaz feel like she’s drunk but somehow at the same time incredibly calm. Maybe this is what people mean when they say their partner is their 'rock'. The fact that Yaz notices Jenny gulp as well doesn’t help. She must be feeling it too.

“Alright you mardy little shit!” 

The second they both hear Clara’s voice all contact is gone and they jump to separate sides of the sofa like two teenagers that have just been caught canoodling by a parent. Of course they’re two adults in their own home, but still, someone’s just invaded their space and a moment that’s been needing to happen for months. 

“If you don’t stop sulking-” 

Clara talks until she sees the two of them peering over at her from the sofa. She isn’t sure about Jenny but Yaz is throwing- albeit cautious- death stares left right and center. In fact Jenny’s biting her thumb between her teeth trying to figure out something to say to the intruder and Yaz decides to leave Jenny to say something while she fiddles aimlessly in her lap.

“Clara I gave you that key for emergencies only.” Jenny says firmly.

“Well, last I heard my best friend was moping around her flat all day so I was using my emergency key to bring her emergency snacks but I see you already have those.” Clara looks directly at Yaz. “You back for good Yaz?”

The way she asks it Yaz can almost detect a bit of resentment in her voice. Does she blame her for what happened? It would be fair of her to take Jenny’s side but it still sort of hurts.

“Don’t.” Jenny warns her, picking up on the glare.

“Alright, I see I’m no longer needed." Clara puts her hands up in surrender. I guess I’ll see you both on the fifth then.” Clara announces her leave just as swiftly as she announced her presence.

“See ya mate.” Jenny says as a way of ushering her out. The door opens and shuts again, and only then does Yaz realise she’s been holding her breath.

“You’ve been sulking?” Yaz tries to divert away from the awkwardness thick as fog hanging in the air.

“I missed you.” Jenny says. “You know I was missing you. Don’t pretend you didn’t sulk, I’ve spoken to Ryan.” 

Yaz smiles, shuffles along and curls into Jenny again but this time intertwining their hands, curling up her knees and resting her head on her shoulder. The pulse point in Jenny’s neck is dancing such a quickstep and Yaz can tell by the way it’s beating against her nose. Yaz didn’t even think it was a physical possibility but she can feel it. She doesn’t dare look up to see Jenny, knowing that if she does, she'll get distracted or too emotional and probably cry or let her mouth say something stupid that she’ll take back in a few months. She tries to avoid thinking about what she’s doing all together and just focuses on Jenny and what she needs. It’s easier that way.

“I missed you too Jen.” Yaz says with an additional squeeze of her hand. 

They say no more while the film plays out. They don’t really do anything but smile at each other while they eat. A passable behaviour, just for tonight while everything gets settled back in. They’ll need to talk properly at some point, preferably before the next blow up but now Yaz is tired from coming home, Jenny looks like she’s been through an emotional tornado and then spat back out again and they both need to go to bed. Yaz climbs under the covers first on her side of the bed to claim it as her own again as Yaz doesn’t doubt that Jenny  _ must _ have washed the sheets within the three weeks. It feels good to be in it again. When Jenny doesn’t appear for what feels like about five minutes, Yaz turns her body and sure enough on the other side of the bed Jenny is standing. Just standing and staring at her looking lost and bewildered. Like Yaz is some kind of ghost or intruder.

“Are you going to stand there all night?” Yaz asks quietly. It’s an invitation, not a ploy to push her away.

Jenny purses her lips like she usually does when Yaz calls her out gently. Yaz pulls her near side arm out of the covers and reaches out. Heart pounding more than it has for ages and ages Jenny takes her hand and slides under the covers and all while maintaining questioning eye contact with wide blown pupils in the dark, she lays almost on top of Yaz with her head resting on her chest and her arm around her stomach. Yaz feels whole. Complete. She’s complete without Jenny anyway as her own person, but this beautiful specimen makes her feel so special. Running her hands through her hair, ring sometimes catching in the waves of blonde locks Yaz realises they’re on the road to being okay again. And staring at the ceiling, covered in plastic glow in the dark stars that Jenny insist on having stuck up there, Yaz honestly smiles at the premise of being Jenny’s again. Figuring it out. Falling in love again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my self esteem is plummeting at the moment so it might be a while


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got over myself lmao bad mood who?
> 
> anyway content warning Jenny gets ill and throws up a bit, I tried not to describe it much but it's still in there

“I’m benching you for two weeks.”

“Mis-Sarge, you can't!” Yaz protests the ruling.

“Considering you’ve got off with just that, no anger management classes or a formal report, I suggest you don’t protest.” Missy says firmly, putting Yaz back in her place. 

“Sorry sarge.” Yaz tilts her head down with shame. Compared to what she could have ended up with two weeks on the desks doesn’t sound too bad.

“Sit down PC Khan.” 

Yaz sits as she’s told, not wanting to get herself in the Sargent's bad books. 

“In addition to having you on the desk you won’t be doing overtime for fireworks night in town tonight. Or any time in the next two weeks.” Missy says. Yaz stays quiet. “Until you prove to me you’re okay again I’m not letting you loose near any groups of people that could be aggressive towards you.”

“I understand.” Yaz nods once for emphasis.

“Good. You can go.” She dismisses Yaz and Yaz makes it halfway towards the door before hearing her name called again. “Khan?”

“Yes, Sarge?” Yaz turns her head back around to face her superior and almost has to do a double take at the crack of a smile forming on Missy’s face. Missy nods kindly; an action that can never be overlooked it’s so rare.

“You look better kid.” 

Coming home, chucking her keys in the bowl and kicking off her boots, Yaz hears Jenny singing to herself. All of yesterday they staying in the flat and did nothing but talk and discuss how they could make it work. Make them work again. They agreed that no matter how intense their feelings are, they’ll keep it to small dates during lunch breaks and catch ups during dinner about their day. Jenny even offered to sleep on the sofa whenever Yaz wants to be rid of her, but Yaz told her not to be so stupid because even though they’re rebuilding slowly it’s not like they have to go at a snails pace. It’s not exactly a process of distancing themselves from each other. It’s more like they’re crawling back to make sure they’re not going to trip over bumps in the road. The chat must’ve put Jenny in a good mood, since she’s dancing while she sings, preparing herself some kind of snack. 

“Stop jump scaring me!” Jenny jumps the second she clocks Yaz approaching her. “I thought you were working this evening?” 

“Hm.” Yaz says. She takes an earbud out of Jenny’s ear and puts it in her own, resting her arms over Jenny’s shoulders. It might be a lot of contact considering what they agreed but Yaz just needs her right now.

“Did it go really bad?” Jenny asks, holding Yaz’s waist at a respectable height.

“I’m on desk work for two weeks.” Yaz says. “And I’m not allowed to do overtime so I’m suddenly very free tonight.” She gives it a positive spin.

“But you were looking forward to your first proper night shift?” Jenny frowns, confused. 

“It’s okay Jen. I’d rather come out with you.”

“As a date?” 

“No. I…” Yaz tails off, realising she said that quite sharply. “I thought everyone was going tonight.”

“We could go up to the roof of the building. We can see them from up there and-”

“Jenny.” Yaz interrupts firmly. 

“What? It’s not that intense of a thing to do. Don’t you want-”

“Jenny, the other day Clara sounded like she hated me and I haven’t seen Amy and Rory in months.” Yaz airs her worry or being out of the loop. Well, one of her worries. It’s better than her other worry that is ‘I don’t want to be on a proper date with you just yet’.

“I can have a word with them before we meet them.”

“You’re not going to insist we watch them from the roof?” Yaz notes Jenny’s easy change of attitude.

“You don’t really want to do that.” Jenny says. It’s obvious to Yaz that she’s disappointed she can’t take her on a date quite yet, and watching fireworks from the roof would have been a really good opportunity to re-spark some romance. 

The song in both their ears changes to a much slower number. Something they might have once upon a time slow danced to in this kitchen before laughing at their own sappiness with Yaz falling into Jenny’s shoulders. But they’re not doing that now. Instead they’re holding each other at a distance with Jenny waiting for Yaz to respond with something- anything.

“Do you think we’ve planned this too much? Like we should just...let our instincts tell us where we need to go?” Yaz speaks quietly, getting distracted after the first question by Jenny rolling her tongue over her bottom lip. _Oh god_ , Yaz can’t help but silently curse herself for commenting on the evident growing tension like that.

“Depends what your instincts are telling you.” Jenny whispers. She doesn’t need to speak loudly. There’s barely any distance her words need to travel. Yaz lets her eyes float up and it’s clear that Jenny isn’t going to do anything until Yaz make the first move; whatever she decides that to be.

Yaz’s eyes flicker down to Jenny’s lips to give herself the chance to consider it but there isn’t any time. There’s a smash from the counter behind her where the cat has knocked off Jenny’s plate onto the floor. 

“Supreme you little fleabag!” Jenny shouts. The loud noise made her jump away from Yaz anyway but now that they’ve both seen the mess of the situation everything else Yaz might have been considering is blown. “I hate that fucking cat.” Jenny grumbles.

“No you don’t.” Yaz mutters to herself. If there’s one thing Jenny secretly loves as much as she loves her, it’s ‘that fucking cat’.

They all meet outside the Tesco about two minutes walk from the local playing field where these fireworks are being held. Jenny must have been true to her word, since when Clara, Amy and Rory arrive they’re all smiles and cheer. Ryan of course was never off with Yaz in the first place, and Yaz is grateful that herself and Ryan fall to the back of the pack as they walk.

“So. How’s it going? Are you back on track?” Ryan asks, keeping his voice low to avoid listening ears. 

“Work wise or Jenny wise?” 

“Let’s start with work.”

“I’ve been benched for a couple of weeks but I’m lucky I didn’t get properly reported.” Yaz says. 

“What do you mean ‘reported’?” Ryan asks and Yaz swiftly remembers she never explained the details of her week off to Ryan. “I have your handcuffs in my bag by the way.”

“Thanks, I have your fake ones.” 

“And Jenny?”

“Going good I think. She’s glad I’m home and in our bed again but we haven’t kissed yet. We haven’t done anything but hug really. We said we wouldn’t.” Yaz explains. 

“Why are you putting restrictions on yourself?” Ryan asks, bemused. 

“Don’t want to fall back into old patterns.” Yaz shrugs. 

“But if you want to kiss her why don’t you just kiss her? From what I’ve heard, you’re the one withholding affections.”

“Where did you hear that?” Yaz whips her head around.

“From you, you arse, just now!” Ryan whisper shouts. “Look I’m not sure of exactly what’s going on but that woman over there still loves you and you love her. So show it to her.” 

Yaz keeps quiet mulling over Ryan’s words as the crowds around them grow thicker as they near the field. Would kissing Jenny lead her on? Would _having sex_ with Jenny be too intense for the both of them at the moment? It isn’t as easy as Ryan thinks because one thing, one little action, can easily lead into something much bigger scarily fast. No, Yaz will keep going the way she is and if she feels she needs it she’ll discuss it with Jenny. That’s how relationships are supposed to work, right?

“Hey.” Jenny takes Ryan’s place at her side once they enter. She’s wearing her baby blue hat and rainbow fingerless gloves with a scarf that’s so long she’s had to wrap it wound her neck at least three times to make sure it doesn’t drag on the floor. It means that Yaz can only really see Jenny’s top lip up to the under part of her eyebrows but it makes her look cute. “You’re not cold are you? I have scarf to share!” 

“I’m alright Jen.” Yaz politely smiles to turn down the offer. 

“Listen,” Jenny begins to use her more ‘grown up’ voice. “About earlier-” 

If Jenny says some more words after that Yaz doesn’t hear them. All she hears is Sonya’s ringtone going off in her back pocket and if Sonya is calling her, it must be something important.

“Hello.” Yaz answers; Jenny looking mildly pissed off at the interruption. 

_“Take the phone away from your ear you idiot, this is a video call.”_ Sonya says. 

Yaz rolls her eyes at herself for missing that piece of information but plasters on a smile for when her phone is in front of her face. Sonya, Najia and Aliya are all squished onto the screen dressed up in all the necessary gear to head out into the cold. At the sight of her, Aliya smiles, lets out a little gurgle and points at where Yaz assumes her face is on Sonya’s screen. 

_“Are you saying hi to aunt Yaz?”_ Sonya asks her daughter. 

“Jenny’s here too.” Yaz twists her phone so that Jenny is in frame and she waves and does her ‘polite cat’ smile that she only really does when she doesn’t want to talk.

 _“Really?”_ Najia sounds like she doesn’t believe they’re already going out together.

“Mum.” Yaz warns her. 

_“Anyway,”_ Sonya steps in. _“we thought we’d check in before this one’s first fireworks night.”_

“You’re not taking her to the actual display are you?” 

_“Nah, that’s too much, we’re just going to watch from the balcony.”_

“Don’t drop her over the side.” Yaz jokes. “Or traumatize her with the loud noises.”

 _“I’m not going to drop her over the side!”_ The light bickering makes Jenny giggle to herself. 

“Where’s dad?” Yaz asks.

 _“He’s on his way home from work.”_ Najia answers. _“We just thought it would be nice to check in.”_

“Well we’re literally about to enter the field to see the fireworks and then we might go on some fun fair rides and get some food.”

“Although I’m hungry now.” 

“Although Jenny’s hungry now.” Yaz repeats. 

_“Is it just you two?”_ Najia asks. 

“No. Everyone's here.” Yaz corrects her. 

_“Say hi to Ryan for me.”_ Najia says. 

“I will. Have fun Aliya!” 

_“Say bye bye.”_ Sonya prompts Aliya to make some noise that resembles absolutely no words at all, but it’s a noise nonetheless before the phone screen goes black. 

“She really is cute.” Jenny says and Yaz pockets her phone again. 

“She looks like Son as a babe.” Yaz beams. She’s so proud of her sister.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen pictures of you as a baby. I bet she looks like you too.” Jenny says. 

“I’ll get mum to send some over.” Yaz says and silence falls between them, forcing Yaz to take hold of Jenny’s hand. “I’m sorry, what were you saying before?”

“It’s fine.” Jenny smiles although Yaz sees right through it. “Tell you later.”

They enter the park to be confronted by violently flashing lights. Not from the explosives in the sky, there’s still about fifteen minutes before them, but instead the lights of a travelling fun fair. Yaz is always one for a thrill except anything to do with fairground rides so she swears to herself that she won’t be going on them later like the others have planned. Ryan gets a stranger to take some group photos of them all on his phone and suddenly Ryan decides he’s going to be the photographer tonight. Since Yaz, Clara, Amy and Rory are all posing for pictures and taking selfies with each other Jenny slips away unnoticed and comes back five minutes later with a greasy looking hotdog in her hand. 

“Where’d you get that from?” Yaz asks, since she’s the first to spot her back.

“Oh- Jenny please say you didn’t get it from that dirty looking van without a food hygiene rating.” Amy says.

“I’ll be fine!” Jenny insists. Yaz feels like she should have brought the tin of custard creams with them for Jenny to snack on.

“I’m pretty sure if they don’t have a hygiene rating they can’t be serving to the public.” Yaz says. 

“Thank you!”

“That wasn’t in their defense Jen, you probably shouldn’t- okay.”

Jenny doesn’t heed her warning at all and takes a mouthful of the suspicious looking hot dog between her teeth.

“It’s either this or I get hangry.” Jenny says. Although with a mouth full of food it’s more like ‘ _Itethisorigethongry’_.

They collectively ignore Jenny eating and wait patiently for the fireworks to start; talking, catching up and just being comfortable with each other. So comfortable that they all miss Jenny disappearing and coming back with a bag of hot doughnuts. 

“Jen.” Yaz sighs. 

“My oral health is fine, my teeth aren’t going to rot.”

“You’re going to eat yourself sick.” Yaz says, shoving her hand into the bag of doughnuts to get one for herself. 

The fireworks start and they’re alright. It’s a good show but Yaz is more aware of how close Jenny’s standing next to her. She holds her hand because she wants to and because everything so loud around them there isn’t a chance for Jenny to question it. After, as the kids filter out and adults and teens are the ones left in the grounds, Ryan, Clara, Amy and Rory decide to go on some rides. Jenny and Yaz take the more sensible decision to watch from the muddy sidelines. Yaz is able to get just as much pleasure from watching her friends have fun. 

Unaware of it until she squeezes, Jenny’s hand is resting on Yaz’s shoulder. When she looks over beside her, Jenny’s hunching over a little with her eyes screwed shut as hard as her grip on her.

“Are you feeling okay Jen?” Yaz asks, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine I just… the lights are a lot. Giving me a headache.” Jenny pinches the bridge of her nose to cover up her lie but the hand across her stomach speaks a different story.

“The lights affecting your stomach too?” Yaz asks, smug that she's figured it out. 

“Don’t. I know.” Jenny groans.

“I told you you’d eat yourself-”

“I’m gonna be sick.” Jenny throws out a caution. 

“Wanna go home early?”

“Please.” Jenny nods.

Yaz throws her arm around Jenny’s so that she has something to lean on while they walk. They don’t get very far before they’re stopped by an officer at the gate.

“Everything okay here? Someone had too much to drin- oh, hi Yaz.”

Yaz breathes a sigh of relief that the officer questioning her and Jenny is her mentor. “Hiya mate, we’re fine. This is Jenny she’s my…”

“Soon to be wife if I ever get my act together.” Jenny finishes for her.

“So this is your mysterious partner!” His eyes light up.

“Yeah and there’s a dodgy looking food van in the park that I reckon’s given her food poisoning. Might want to shut it down.” 

“You only live a five minute walk from here right? Maybe ten? Think you’ll be okay?” As he asks, Jenny groans and rolls further into Yaz’s side. “Alright. Get in the car, I’ll give you a lift.” 

“I know this is such bad timing but can I just say,” Jenny lowers her voice to a whisper. “I still really like it when you use your work voice.” 

“Your insides are cramping up and that’s what you want to tell me?” 

Jenny just raises her eyebrows and shrugs. 

Once in the car- Yaz feeling disorientated being in the back seat rather than the front- Jenny curls up against Yaz hiding her face in the crook of her neck. Jenny barely gets ill, Yaz knows that, so this must be quite serious for her to coil up and be so dependent on Yaz like this.

“Please don’t say ‘I told you so’ I think I might cry.” Jenny whines. 

“I won’t baby.” Yaz reassures her, speaking into her hair. Turning her eyes back to the road in front she spots her mentor watching them in the rearview mirror. The second their eyes meet he looks away and Yaz is overcome with discomfort. They’re not supposed to know about Jenny. They’re not supposed to see her soft and caring with her. That isn’t what she’s set up her working life to be.

They just make it through the front door before Jenny has to throw herself into the bathroom and expel everything in her stomach into the toilet. She says a silent prayer of thanks that her mentor offered them a lift otherwise she might not have made it. Yaz tries not to listen and instead dumps Jenny’s scarf and gloves that she swiftly removed walking towards the door (knowing that Jenny wouldn’t have enough time to do it herself) at the end of their bed. She then gets herself changed for bed, telling herself she’ll shower before work tomorrow and then goes to settle herself down on the sofa to wait for Jenny to finish or call for help.

 _‘Hey can you send the pictures of tonight to me please?’_ She requests from Ryan. Maybe they will cheer Jenny up.

 _‘Sure one sec.”_ Ryan replies. _‘Oh and I hope you got home safe ; )’_

 _‘What’s with the winky face?”_ Yaz finds herself frowning at her screen.

_‘You and Jenny. Sneaking off early. Not your most subtle trick ; )’_

Yaz laughs and shakes her head at how wrong he is. _‘Considering she’s retching up in the bathroom right now I’m not quite sure what you mean.’_

_‘Gross. But come on mate, did you seriously not see how she was looking at you all night?”_

The first picture that comes through Ryan has purposefully picked. One of the group pictures of all of them. Everyone’s looking at the camera except Jenny, who’s still smiling but isn’t smiling as wide as the others and is all eyes on Yaz. If she hadn’t already asked her to marry her, she looks like she might’ve gotten down on her knees there and then and asked for her hand. The rest of the photos come through in bulk but Yaz makes an effort to analyse each and every one and sure enough, Jenny’s almost always wistfully smiling over in her direction. And it’s the look behind her eyes that hurts Yaz. It’s like she’s both ecstatically happy and reserved and broken at the same time. Yaz doesn’t want to make her feel like that. Maybe she should have stayed away. 

Tuning her ears back to the flat, Jenny seems to have gone quiet. Because Yaz is considerate and loving she fetches a glass of water for her and enters the bathroom, finding Jenny still slung over the open seat without her shirt on. An intrusive thought enters her mind- no not intrusive. Painful. The thought that maybe one day Jenny might be throwing up for morning sickness if they ever agree to build a family. She coughs and Yaz has to snap herself back to reality. 

“Hey. How’s it-”

Jenny hacks up once more and spits into the toilet bowl without warning. Guessing her stomach can’t bring anything else up, she flushes and once the power of the water fades, she rests her arm on the seat and her head on her arm; her other hand blindly reaching for Yaz’s until she grips it firmly. She’s too busy regaining her breath to say anything so Yaz just hands her the glass of water and a bit of tissue to wipe her mouth with while Jenny stares. What is it with the people that are smitten with her staring at her all the time? 

“I need to listen to you more often.” Jenny says when she can. 

Yaz half huffs half laughs, deciding to rub Jenny’s lower back while her stomach muscles unclench. It’s weird, that just a few years ago Yaz hates people vomiting and right now she doesn’t even notice the smell. She’s only concerned for Jenny and those big puppy dog eyes boring into her. Now that she’s seen the evidence from Ryan, Yaz can see how she’s looking at her so clearly now. 

“What?” Yaz mutters. Jenny leans forward with parted lips and Yaz has to resort to pushing her away by both her shoulders.

“I can never get it right.” Jenny slumps onto the floor, devastation written over her whole body.

“No. You got it right. If only you didn’t have a vommy mouth.” Yaz goes to stand up but as she hits a kind of crouching position, she can’t help but lean forward a little to leave a kiss on Jenny’s shoulder joint. 

“Where are you going?” Jenny asks. 

Yaz yawns, straightening her body. “To bed.” It doesn’t matter that she hasn’t eaten dinner. She doesn't really fancy it now anyway.

“Stay with me.” Jenny pleads. Yaz almost gives in to her.

Almost.

“I have work in the morning, Jen, and you need a shower.” 

“Yaz-” Jenny grabs onto her wrist with both hands, raising herself up onto her knees. “Did I embarrass you in front of your co workers?”

“You could never embarrass me Jenny.” Yaz frowns. How could she ask her that? Why would she even think that? Does she really lack that much confidence in her?

“Then why did they call me your ‘mysterious partner’ like you’ve never mentioned me before?” 

“Because I haven’t mentioned you before.” Yaz answers honestly, shrugging to make the statement seem casual but at the same time trying to shake Jenny’s grip on her.

“Why?” 

“Because I don’t like talking about you.” 

Jenny looks like she’s been stabbed in the heart. “So I am an embarrassment.”

“No- Jenny I just-”

“How can you explain not talking about me when I’ve been with you since you started the job, I tell everyone about yo-”

“Jenny! Let me finish explaining. Stop jumping to conclusions.” Yaz raises her voice a little. Realising they’ve fallen into an argument, and so easily at that, Yaz softens her approach and sits cross legged on the floor once more. “I don’t like talking about you to them because I like to keep you… special. Mine. My secret to think about, not theirs. I just want to keep you separate from work, that’s all.” 

“Really?”

“It’s true.” Yaz smiles shyly. “I keep a picture of you in my jacket pocket just so I can look at you sometimes.”

Yaz has barely finished her sentence when Jenny’s face comes into the proximity of hers again.

“Jenny-” Yaz gasps, hand on Jenny’s chest pushing her back.

“I know.” Jenny whispers. Her forehead resting against Yaz’s, her hand cupping her cheek. Yaz doesn’t pull back even though she knows she should and she tells herself she’ll willingly sit on this floor until they figure out what both of them want to do. “Just let me imagine it.”


	8. Chapter 8

“So.” Yaz feels her mentor lean over her computer screen before she sees or hears him. They haven’t seen each other since fireworks night a week ago, mainly because Yaz has been avoiding him. “Your wifey.” 

“Omar.” Yaz uses his proper first name as a way of essentially telling him to fuck off.

“You know I don’t like it when you call me that.” He frowns.

“O.”

“Better. Anyway was she okay when she got home? We shut down the food van and I think two other people got sick however that’s better than the whole fairground in hindsight.” 

“She was ill pretty much all the way through the night. Spent the next day in bed exhausted which is unusual for her but she’s all good now.” Yaz explains.

“I thought you would be dating someone smarter than that. Someone who knows not to buy food from dodgy vans.”

“She has her moments.” Yaz says in Jenny’s defense. “Set her off on the basic laws of physics and she’ll talk for days.”

“Am I invited to the wedding?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Aw, come on-”

“Aren’t you meant to be, you know, working or something?” Yaz smiles, sickly sweet and dripping in sarcasm in an attempt to drive him away.

“Crime has been slow today.” He sighs. “It’s boring just sitting in the car without you.” 

“I thought they would have replaced me by now.” Yaz turns her attention back to the screen pretending to get on with data entry she doesn’t really want to be doing.

“Nah. You’ve only been benched for two weeks Yaz, not forever. And you’ve already done a week of it. You’ll be back with me in no time!”

“Until I graduate.”

“Which I’m sure you will.” He sings, finally making his leave away from her desk. Checking the time in the bottom corner of her screen, she gets an overwhelming hatred towards him for making her late to meet Jenny for lunch. She gathers her coat and scarf (which is actually Jenny’s spare) and makes her way through the building.

“I’m sorry.” She apologies as she appears through the door and out on the street.

“I was getting worried.” Jenny smiles like it hasn’t bothered her, but it’s almost November deadlines and every minute counts. “Busy day in the office?”

“No, just got distracted.”

They walk side by side a short way up the street until they reach the public bench that’s far away enough from the cop shop for Yaz to genuinely feel like she’s on break. She wouldn’t know it from being inside all day, but the weather is beautiful. Cold, but the sun is shining and the sky is blue, so it kind of lets her forget that she can see her breath hanging in the air. 

“Here.” Jenny hands her her favourite wrap and a packet of carrot sticks with hummus.

“Thanks.” Yaz accepts the offer. “You’re a star.” 

“Welcome.” Jenny takes a bite of her own sandwich. “I’ve been thinking.”

“About what?”

“What to do for your birthday.”

“Jenny!” Yaz fires off her annoyance. “I said I don’t want to do anything!”

“But I think you should, you deserve something nice. It’s on the weekend so it’s not like you’re going to be at work. I’m not talking anything big. Maybe just the cinema or a nice meal.” Jenny shrugs. “I dunno, just a thought.” 

“Don’t dismiss me straight away.” Yaz smiles gently, pushing herself into Jenny’s side. Jenny smiles widely but keeps her head down to pretend Yaz can’t see it. “I can think about it.” 

And Yaz does think about it. Two weeks later, with her desk stint completed and back on patrol, Yaz gives in and agrees to go to a midday showing at the cinema. Even though it’s her birthday, she lets Jenny choose what they go to see. Of course Jenny picks the newest space adventure film that Yaz doesn’t really understand at parts but it’s still a decent film. Plus, Jenny comes out ecstatic, rambling on about this character and that character and how that fits in with this. Hearing her like that is enough to make Yaz happy.

Yaz herself concluded that making an effort to meet up every lunch break was incredibly successful a few days ago. Thanks to it the pair of them are just… more pleasant to be around together again. Yaz looks forward to go home to her at the end of the day again and when Jenny’s either at work of staying late in the library Yaz wants to sneak onto campus and distract her. They’re still not fixed, not properly but it’s been a step forward in the right direction. 

“Jenny.” Yaz says, taking Jenny’s hand to stop her from rushing into the flat.

“Yeah Yaz.” Jenny says bouncing on the balls of her feet itching to get into their living room.

“I’m enjoying it. Spending this time with you.” Yaz has to get it out there. She feels Jenny needs to know it, even if admitting it now makes Yaz feel vulnerable. Like every time she gets closer to Jenny again she’s cutting open her chest bit by bit. 

“Me too!” Jenny says cheerfully. It’s obvious she’s too distracted, not on the same page. 

“No, Jenny I mean-” 

The words escape her under Jenny’s intense stare. She’s not really staring, of course she isn’t, she’s just staring intensely looking for ways she can help or predict what Yaz is trying to say so she doesn’t have to say it if it’s painful. But this is nowhere near painful. She just wants Jenny to know that she’s happy. Really really happy at the moment. She’s so held up on trying to think of the right words for the moment she misses her own head getting closer and closer to Jenny’s face, her lips parting without her knowing and then-

“Surprise!” 

Yaz jumps about half a meter away from Jenny the second she hears the voices which somehow makes their situation more suspicious. The door has been flung open from the other side and now Yaz sees her entire family in front of her and her friends, Ryan, Grace, Graham, Clara, Amy, Rory and she thinks she spots Bill, but it was a figment of her imagination. Sometimes she forgets she moved back to London to transfer university.

“Wha-” Yaz turns to Jenny. “Did you plan this?”

Jenny nods, unable to speak because she’s too shook at what was just ripped away from her. She’ll probably blame her behaviour on the loud noise if someone questions her about it later.

“Group chat and all.” Sonya says.

Her sisters comment relaxes Yaz into what’s happening and it suddenly hits her that everyone she’s ever really cared about it standing in her flat. She greets every single one of them enthusiastically with hugs, smiles and a special handshake for Ryan. Someone starts up a playlist, not too loud but loud enough to indicate this is a celebration, and Aliya makes those grabby hands again that Yaz can’t refuse. Yaz scoops her up to hold her on her hip and turns back to look at Jenny while the rest of her family and friends mingle. 

“Why do you look so scared?” Yaz asks as Jenny approaches cautiously. 

“You’re holding a baby.” 

“I am holding a baby.” Yaz nods; smiling at how she’s finally found something that she's better at dealing with than Jenny.

“She’s staring at me.” Jenny tilts her head down to be at eye level with Aliya. She waves her hand in a curve to see if it will break the little one’s stare. It doesn’t, and Jenny squints suspiciously. “Hello.”

“You’ve met her before Jen.” Yaz grins.

“Yeah, when she was like, seventy odd hours old. She wouldn’t remember that, this is essentially the first time we’ve met.”

“Hey.” Yaz says to steer the blondes attention away from the child and back to her. It works and hazel-green eyes attach onto her gaze. “How’d you pull this off?”

“I’m a woman of many mysteries.” Jenny smirks, shoving her hands into her pockets.

“Seriously Jenny.”

“Never you mind! Just enjoy it.” Jenny smiles. “Also your families staying overnight.” Jenny mumbles the addition. 

“Jenny!”

“I’m sorry!” Jenny turns her voice into a strong whisper. “I didn’t think you were going to try and kiss me and I didn’t want to assume we were in a position where the night could be spent cuddling and… stuff.”

“And stuff?” Yaz raises her eyebrows pointedly. 

“I’m not saying the word in front of her.” Jenny points at Aliya again and Yaz has to swat her finger away.

“I’ve said it in front of her before.” Yaz says.

“What? When? More importantly, why?” Jenny’s eyes become panicked.

“It was just mum interrogating me when I went to stay.” 

“But did you tell her anything?”

Yaz shrugs. No point in lying. “Not in detail.” 

“Alright, remind me not to talk to her.” Jenny sighs. She then silently looks back and forth between Yaz and the baby in her arms bending her back backwards the more uncomfortable she becomes.

“Jen.” Yaz says to try and snap her out of it. Her body doesn’t move, but her lips do.

“With both of you looking at me, it’s kind of freaking me out.”

“Want to hold her?” Yaz asks. 

“I’ll drop her.” Jenny says instantly, straightening her posture. 

“That’s what I said first time too.” Yaz hands over Aliya who makes absolutely no protest to being in the arms of someone new. She watches Jenny go through several stages of different emotions trying to figure out how she feels about it before she smiles, baring those bright white teeth and her eyes start to glisten. 

“Cool.” Jenny utters. “Wanna meet the cat?” Jenny asks and Yaz lets her carry her niece away. 

“Hiya love.” Najia appears at her shoulder. 

“Hey mum.” Yaz hugs her again. It hasn’t quite hit her yet that everyone important to her is in her flat to celebrate her. 

“You looked a bit spooked when the door opened.” Najia says as she breaks the hug. “Anything you want to update me on?”

“Nope.” Yaz says. 

As if the Gods are looking over her she registers a knock at the door and goes to answer it instead of answering her mum’s questions. She doesn’t want to talk to her about it.

“Surprise part two!” Bill shouts the second the door gives way to her.

“How are you here!” Yaz pokes Bill in the middle of her chest and she rocks back. 

“This magic little thing called a train.” Bill says, stepping inside. “How are you mate.” She hugs her tight, gift still stuck in the palm of her hand. 

“I have so much to tell you.”

“Hm. I figured. You can start by telling me how Jenny has my number?” Bill hands Yaz the rectangle shaped gift. “Don’t open that in front of your family.” 

“I’m scared.” 

“You should be.”

Yaz spends the next three hours juggling speaking to family and friends, watching Jenny interact with Aliya and the cat and trying not to let her heart turn into a puddle on the floor. She wasn’t expecting this. She wasn’t expecting it at all and now that it’s happening she really could not be happier at all. Everyone’s getting on well, mixing, chatting, joking, learning about each other and eating little nibbles with dips that Jenny somehow managed to sneak in. But after those three hours Yaz needs a little bit of space. Considering she was expecting a quiet night in with Jenny and the cat, she deserves a little bit of a break. She heads for the kitchen and shuts the door behind her before she can start a conversation with somebody else. 

“You good Yaz?” Jenny asks. 

“Bloody hell!” Yaz jumps at the spook. “I didn’t realise you were there.”

“Here I am.” Jenny says. The way she’s standing gives away whatever she’s trying to hide on the counter.

“What’s that?”

“What’s what?” Jenny puffs out her cheeks and holders her hands on her hips as if she’s totally lost to whatever Yaz is asking about.”

“That, behind your back.” Yaz points and steps towards her.

“My butt?”

“No.” Yaz laughs. “Let me see.”

“There’s nothing  _ to _ see.”

“Jenny.” 

“Fine.” Jenny gives in and steps away from the counter to reveal a chocolate cake with quite a few candles stuck in it to say the least. “I made you a cake.”

“Jen that’s really sweet, thank you.” Yaz takes her hand and leans into her side. “There’s no way you’re lighting all those candles though.”

“Aw why not?” Jenny complains. 

“I’d like to still have a flat to live in tomorrow.” Yaz hugs her arms around Jenny’s waist.

“You won’t even let me light it with you standing next to me with a fire extinguisher?”

“Can we do it outside?” Yaz asks. 

“If it means I get to light twenty three candles in a concentrated area then yeah, sure- OH can I make it two hundred and thirty?” 

She didn’t plan to kiss her then. There was no build in tension, no buzz in the air between them and now Yaz realises she’s doing it, there’s not overwhelming urge to pull back. Instead, when Jenny’s lips de-tense from the surprise and hums contently against her, Yaz relaxes into it. Letting Jenny curl her arms around her waist and enjoying that contact. Heads move from side to side and Yaz wonders if time is moving on still or if they’ve created their own bubble universe that they can stay in together for a while and hold on to this feeling. She almost believes they have, until the starting notes of the song ‘Let’s Get It On’ force her to open her eyes and see her sister standing in the doorway. 

“Bow chicka wow wow.” Sonya teases. “Don’t mind me, I just need to heat this up for my kid.” She waves a jar of food and a plastic bowl that she’s holding while simultaneously turning off the song playing from her phone. “Do you mind showing me where...”

“I’m gonna go.” Jenny says, cheeks bright red. Yaz wants to stop her and tell her Sonya isn’t the person she used to be but she’s already out the door before she can say anything. She demonstrates how the microwave works.

“So no comment about being disgusted?” Yaz asks. 

“I’m just glad you can get it up for her again.”

“Ew-”

“You know what I mean.” Sonya smiles nice and polite, turning her attention away from the microwave and on to her sister. “I’m happy that it’s working out for you. And that you got to kiss her at least once today.” 

“That’s the first time I’ve kissed her since I came back.” Yaz admits.

“Wha- seriously?” Sonya does a double take as she digests the information she’s been given.

“Yeah.” Yaz nods.

“Still having trouble then?”

“Kind of. There’s something still missing but I can’t figure out what it is.”

“Have you asked Jenny how she feels?” Sonya asks. Yaz tries to think back. Three weeks of lunches together, living under the same roof together, sleeping in the same bed together and she hasn’t asked. Not once. “Oh come on Yaz you can’t tell me you haven’t asked her at all.”

“Who died and made you a relationship guru.” Yaz tutters. Sonya snorts at the very concept.

“If I was a relationship guru Aliya would have a dad by now.”

“Don’t be silly. She doesn’t need a dad when she has you.” Yaz elbows her as a form of physical affection.

“And her aunt Yaz.” Sonya nudges back and they exchange smiles.

“I wish Nani could’ve met her.” Yaz says.

Umbreen passed away in her sleep about three months before Sonya realised she was pregnant. It hit all of them hard, but Najia and Yaz more so than anyone especially as Umbreen was the first one out of all of them to take interest in Yaz’s budding new relationship.

“Me too. Hey!” Sonya slaps Yaz in the arm, not as affectionately as the previous nudge. “She’s the one who died and made me relationship guru!”

“Bit too soon Son.” Yaz winces. Yup. Still raw. 

“Sorry.” Sonya apologises. A foreign concept to Yaz but she rolls with it. “Jenny’s getting on well with her though.”

“I’m really not surprised.” A smiles tugs at the corners of Yaz’s mouth. “But then again a cat and a baby are always going to provide some good entertainment.

“If I asked you two to look after her one weekend would you do it?” Sonya asks curiously. 

Yaz shrugs. “Don’t see why not.” 

The microwave beeps. As Sonya gets the food out and tests the temperature Yaz realises how much she’s grown up- how  _ they’ve  _ grown up in their relationship recently. She never thought she would see the day but here it is. Sonya raising a kid and Yaz with her own flat and a fiancé that she’s terribly in love with no matter how much it hurts sometimes.

Aliya gets fed and then put to bed while everyone else orders in pizza. Yaz clings on to Bill and Ryan while Jenny deals with the family side of things and is the one subjected to the questioning for once. Jenny's cake... well it tasted of something and everyone ate their slice politely while Yaz told herself it's the thought that counts more than anything and that's all the sweetness she needs. Still, unlike most family gatherings no arguments break out and it’s the first time Yaz feels a proper adult attending a proper party. Of course she wishes there were people here that aren’t. Her Nani, the friends she made in her gap year, some of the guys from work- definitely not O- but she knows these people right here right now are the people that mean the most to her.

“You okay?” Yaz asks as Jenny clambers into bed, tucking herself tightly into the covers. Everyone else has either gone to their own home or are set up in the living room on airbeds which they insist isn’t too bad but no one likes sleeping on an airbed unless they’re on holiday. Nonetheless they’re sleeping and Yaz and Jenny are the only two still awake. 

“Maybe it wasn’t the best to have so many people in the flat.” Jenny grumbles. When she doesn’t have a sleeve to tug down on she blinks rapidly and her forehead creases, which Yaz notices she’s doing now.

“C’mere-” Yaz reaches out her arms for Jenny to fall into but the second they brush against Jenny’s skin they get battered away

“Please don’t.” Jenny says, gaining control of her breathing again. “I love you but I think if I get touched again-”

“I get it Jen. It’s okay.” Yaz stops her from having to say any excuse to convince herself she didn’t just hit Yaz. Of course it was an accident and Yaz knows that. Jenny just always hates it when it happens and Yaz knows that too so she lets it slide.

“Did you enjoy your birthday?” Jenny asks quietly.

“I loved it Jenny. Seriously, thank you.” Yaz smiles, resting her head on her pillow so she doesn’t have to mess with her neck to look at Jenny. “I still don’t know how you planned it all.”

“And I’ll never tell you.” Jenny insists. 

“Did you like the movie?” Yaz asks. 

“Hell yeah! Lasers and space and battles and high speed chases-”

“One day we might actually go and see a romcom or something.” 

“-and the lead was really fit.” Jenny finishes.

“Oh, so  _ that’s _ why you were so desperate to see it!” Yaz rolls closer to Jenny to interrogate her. “You wanted to sit in a dark room and stare at her for two hours.”

“No, it was to distract you for two hours while everyone arrived and bundled into the flat.” Jenny laughs. That beautiful kind of laugh you do as a kid at a sleep over to stop the adults knowing you're awake.

“So it had nothing to do with the hot lady on the big screen?” 

“Nothing to do with her.” Jenny’s hand cups her cheek and Yaz feels like that teenager lying on her dorm floor with her again. Except her face isn't beaten and that whole fiasco is long forgotten. “You know I only have eyes for you.” 

Yaz was going to bring up how she’s been terrible recently about asking Jenny what she wants and what her plans are after graduation but right now doesn’t feel right. They’ve crossed a few bridges today and bringing it up now might push it a bit. Yaz knows she wants to take Jenny’s lips and move against them and speak to her that way but to show she wants to listen more to what Jenny wants, she starts by respecting tonight's ‘no touch’ rule, and instead of kissing Jenny like _she_ wants to she lets Jenny stroke her cheek until both of them drift off into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll get to the smut next chapter"- me three chapters ago


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This work has nothing to do with the actresses that portray these characters on screen, this is based off of descriptions of the characters alone. The actresses are real people with real lives and families that are just doing their jobs, please remember to stay respectful)

Thunder shakes Yaz out of her sleep. Not because it’s loud. Not because she thinks it might disturb Aliya but because she’s worried for Jenny. She’s usually twitching in her sleep by now. Or making noises. But there’s not even a sense of soft breathing next to her.

“Jen.” Yaz reaches out her arm but doesn’t feel her body lying next to her. “Jenny.” She calls for her again, panic rising up in her voice as her hand grasps for open air.

“I’m fine.” Jenny whispers. Yaz turns her eyes in the direction of the voice and in the dark there’s an outline of Jenny sitting upright with her knees curled into her chest. “Woke myself up out of it.” 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Yaz turns on a bedside lamp since she now knows they’re both awake.

Jenny shrugs. “You sleep more than I do anyway.” 

“Doesn’t mean you have to go through these storms alone.” Yaz rests her hand and starts rubbing her thumb on Jenny’s knee. “Wanna talk until it passes?”

“You don’t have to-”

“Talk to me Jenny.” Yaz shuffles to sit up next to her, bringing the sheets with her to get Jenny warm again.

“Do you believe in ghosts?” Jenny asks and Yaz finds herself backing away. “I’m not telling ghost story I’m just interested.”

“I guess not.” Yaz says. She’s never really thought about it. Never really had a reason to

“Because if you think about it, humans are just a load of energy, right. So if energy can’t be created nor destroyed, where does our energy go when we die?”

“Alright… that’s freaked me out a little bit.” Yaz nervous laughs. 

“But think about it, all these ghost hunting shows use equipment that detect fluctuations in energy signals and children, because they’re still fresh and new to the energies of the world they’re more open to the changes and it’s the same with animals so do you think-”

As if summoned, Supreme jumps up onto the bed while a roll of thunder claps above them. Jenny jumps out of her skin, Yaz clings onto Jenny and attempts to stop herself from screaming. 

“Stupid cat.” Jenny mumbles. 

“He’s come to investigate because we’re both awake.” Yaz says; her voice shaky from the way her heart is beating so fast in her chest from the shock.

“You really got scared by that, didn’t you?” Jenny smirks. 

“Only because you’re such a good story teller.” Yaz pokes Jenny in her side.

“Don’t! You know I’m ticklish!” Jenny flinches. 

“You said you were only ticklish as a kid?”

“Well, I reckon I still am.”

“Wanna test that theory?” Yaz grins, positioning her fingers for a second attack both on her sides this time.

“Wait- no Yaz- Yaz wait!”

Within the same second her hands hit Jenny’s body she’s flipped onto her back with her wrists pinned either side of her head. The atmosphere around them is thunderous in itself excluding whatever’s going on outside and instead of apologising for being rough with her, Jenny takes Yaz’s lips between her own. The hold on her wrists loosen as eyes close with the addictive sensation; Jenny’s stomach rolling into her while their mouths are still moving slow and steady, legs curled up and tangling together, Jenny’s fingertips trailing down her sides while Yaz’s cradle Jenny’s face; giving her every fiber of her being. After a while Yaz manages to turn the tables and move herself on top before the blood in her body rushes from her head to the very pit of her stomach. She feels so alive, involuntarily gasping for air as Jenny’s hand rubs against the skin of the small of her back and all attempts to maintain her composure are flung out the window. Jenny reads her perfectly, slipping her tongue past Yaz’s lips making her whimper for her and Yaz can’t hold back anymore; her mouth and hands move faster than her brain can keep up with making her fumble and slip and-

“Slow down.” Jenny purrs, moving her lips to tenderly leave kisses along Yaz’s jaw. Yaz gets turned over, again, Jenny sucking at her neck as a ploy to get her back arched up so her top can disappear from her body. “Fuck.” Jenny sighs at the sight.

“Be quiet.” Yaz giggles pulling her down into another heated kiss. So heated that until Jenny withdraws- dragging the tip of her nose down her neck to nibble on the slope of her neck- Yaz doesn’t realise that there’s something sitting wrong with all this.

“My family.” Her mouth says before her brain can think about it.

“This is our flat.” Jenny mumbles, mind somewhere else.

“Jenny I’m not comfortable.” 

Everything stops. Jenny lifts herself up and re-positions so she’s straddling Yaz’s hips.

“With me? Or your family being in the next room because we’ve done it with them in the next room before.” Jenny maneuvers herself again to sit cross legged next to Yaz instead of on top of her. “Yaz have we made a mistake with this?” Hesitation and regret filling her voice.

“The second they leave.” Yaz offers, meaning every word and running her hand up and down Jenny’s spine. “The second they’re gone I’ll prove to you it’s just about them. What time is it now?”

“Almost eight.” Jenny hands her her top again, trying but failing to not sneak glances at her bare chest. 

“How long have we been-”

“About an hour.” Jenny says.

“Wow. Okay.” Yaz mutters. Time flies by so quickly when they’re fooling around. Everyone won’t be awake for at least another twenty minutes. “...want to carry on for a bit longer?”

Jenny’s already crawling over to her before the answer has even left her mouth. 

“Yes.”

They appear at half eight, mildly flustered but composed enough to get through a few hours with other people. Her family are awake, but lulling about under the covers on their phones. Except Aliya who’s simply laying there playing with her hands. Yaz goes straight for her, scooping her up and into a cuddle.

“You picked her up, you have to change her.” Sonya says. 

“I’ve got her.” Jenny says, taking Aliya out of her arms as quickly as Yaz put her in them.

“Since when did you know how to change nappies?” Yaz asks.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” Jenny retrieves the changing bag and kisses Yaz on the cheek, catching the corner of her lips and setting all the nerve endings in her body on fire. _All_ of them. Freezing her in time, too scared to react.

“You okay Yaz?” Hakim asks.

“What? Um, yeah, it’s just… been a while.” She rubs the back of her neck as if it’s going to stop her from blushing.

“We know.” Najia and Sonya say at the same time. 

“You know Yaz,” Sonya starts and Yaz groans in anticipation. “I think I was wrong.”

“Really? About what?” Yaz can’t quite believe it.

“About Jenny seeing you interact with Aliya. It’s switched round, you watching Jenny interact with her makes you want to try and put a-”

Yaz kicks her air mattress before her sister can finish that sentence. 

Sometimes Yaz feels the way she gets on with her family is a curse. The morning flashes by with them there, talking, telling Jenny all these embarrassing stories about Yaz as a kid, playing with Aliya and the cat that it gets to lunch and they eat leftover pizza. Then her dad, the genius that he is suggesting that they all go for a walk around the block to get some fresh air now that the rain has let up and Jenny is quick to say how she thinks it’s a brilliant idea before Yaz can hint that they would be outstaying their welcome. It is nice though, strolling the streets with Aliya cooing at every new thing she sees and then Jenny explaining what it is. It’s so nice that when they get back the afternoon slips by just as easily and it’s dark by the time they leave. Somehow, Yaz doesn’t mind. It’s pleasurable to entertain her family, since she knows they love her and she loves them. Even Sonya now.

“I did not expect them to stay that long.” Yaz flops down onto her side of the bed. All that being said about loving then Yaz could’ve done with it not coinciding with her and Jenny getting a certain side of their relationship back on track.

“Me neither.” Jenny does the same. “Hey, it was good though. Nice spending time with them.”

“But now, Miss Smith,” Yaz pulls on Jenny’s shirt until Jenny’s hovering over her. An echo of this morning. “I believe we were just about to get somewhere.”

“Are you still okay with it?” Jenny asks.

“Yeah.” Yaz’s smirk falls to a frown. “Why? Are you not okay with it? Tell me, we don't have to.”

“No! I mean yes I’m very much- _very_ much okay with whatever you want to-”

“Jenny.” 

“Less talky more kissy?” Jenny says. Yaz has to cover her mouth with her hand to not let on to Jenny how funny she finds that sentence, but she notices anyway. “You know what, forget I said any-” 

“I love you.”

Yaz tugs Jenny down again until their lips merge as one. Under Jenny’s touch, steady, firm and sure, Yaz forgets everything else happening in her life. Work, pending graduation, even the still fluctuating state of her relationship falls away ironically thanks to how Jenny treats her. Except all her patience for being treated nicely was drained from her this morning and now she’s filled with this want- this _need_ to show Jenny how much she means to her physically. How she loves her body, how it feels to sleep next to her, how it feels to hold her hand, how the weight of her presence just makes it feel right despite any other emotions. 

“Let me top.” Yaz mumbles.

“Any day.” 

Clothes disappear, skin flushes and comes out in goosebumps at every brush, small moans escape and hips being to rock against each other just because they both have too much energy fizzing around to keep still. For some reason Yaz gets a suitable rush of nerves and adrenaline like it’s their first time together all over again which makes her hesitant, a little more reserved until Jenny picks up on it and assures her _‘it’s just me’_ before Yaz can let her mind overthink it. From then on the heat just ramps up, giving Yaz the confidence to trail her way down Jenny’s body.

“Yaz.” Jenny sighs.

Yaz looks up from Jenny’s stomach praying that she isn’t changing her mind. “Hm?” 

“Can you… can we…” 

“What?” Yaz crawls back up, seeing Jenny struggling for words. A few more words stumble out before Yaz gets bored and starts pressing her lips down Jenny’s neck.

“I want you inside me.” Jenny whispers. Yaz brings her head back up with a smug look on her face.

“Should’ve guessed.” Yaz nudges Jenny’s nose with her own to get her to tilt her head up and stop staring at how dangerously close Yaz’s thigh is to her core. “You thought about it didn’t you. That day.”

“Yaz.” Jenny wriggles beneath her and Yaz gets some sick kind of satisfaction from it. 

“You like thinking about me fucking you like that.” 

Jenny mumbles a curse Yaz can’t quite work out thanks to the heartbeat in her ears. She’s turned on and she knows it but she doesn’t realise how far gone she is until she’s trying to tighten the harness around her waist with the feeling that her legs are going to give way. Jenny hasn’t even touched below her waist yet.

“I hope you washed it.” Yaz says when she spots Jenny watching.

“I did.” Jenny blushes. Then, in a blink of an eye, her demeanor changes as she sits up. “You promise you won’t get tired this time?”

“Oi! You cheeky-”

“Only joking.” Jenny tugs her back in, a coy smile taking over her face as her hand lubes up the attachment between Yaz’s legs. It’s kind of hot the way Jenny, miss ‘I-can’t-say-the-word-’sex’-most-times’, is rubbing her down with the tip of her tongue on her front two teeth and with unshakable eye-contact.

Yaz, despite how much she’s etching the image in front of her onto her eyeballs, is getting restless. She pushes Jenny back down again by the shoulders, clambering over her, relishing the last desperate kiss Yaz knows they’re going to have before things become uncontrollable.

“Ready?” Yaz has to ask, lining herself up at Jenny’s entrance. Jenny makes a vague noise that turns into a nod but considering the circumstances, the rocky past few months between them, Yaz needs to get some other kind of confirmation. “Jen I need to hear you say it.”

“I’m ready. Please, Yaz, I want you.”

“Good girl.” Yaz eases in gently until they’re completely connected. The grip on her back however is not as gentle. “Jenny you should’ve let me-”

“If I’d have let you finger me first I wouldn’t have lasted.” Jenny inhales deeply. “Just be gentle with me.” 

Yaz kisses her sloppily to get her to shut up, to let her start grinding long strokes in and out of her at a leisurely pace- too leisurely for Yaz’s liking but thanks to getting fit for work her core strength and stamina mean it’s not that much of a problem physically. If it’s what Jenny wants Yaz is going to give it to her. Jenny’s hands, after a few minutes of flailing around, land firmly on Yaz’s waist, grounding her to Yaz to allow her to rock her hips too until they find a pattern that lets them guide like a well oiled machine, but sexier. Although knowing Jenny, Yaz wouldn’t doubt her to call a machine sexy. 

“I’m sorry.” Jenny says, only just managing to bring her head up from where the pillow’s molded around it. 

“What?” Yaz asks not having heard her, too busy concentrating on slowly picking up the pace. 

“I’m sorry I ever upset you.” Jenny says more clearly. As clear as she can get through ragged breathing. 

Yaz smirks. Incredibly pleased with herself. “I’m that mind-numbing huh?” 

“Seriously Yaz.” Jenny brings her hands up to cup Yaz’s face. Yaz is so taken by it- by her and the look on her face- she stops moving altogether. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Yaz whispers. 

For a moment in the sincerity of it all, Yaz forgets they’re in the middle of some quite heated sex and as Jenny pulls her in to kiss her and get things started again, Yaz feels Jenny grind her hips longingly. 

“That’s my job.” Yaz pulls out and away leaving Jenny whimpering and exposed as she grounds her own shaking legs on the floor just after the end of the bed.

“It’s really mean when you do that.” Jenny groans. 

“Still want me to be gentle with you?”

“No.” 

Yaz grips onto Jenny’s thighs to drag her down the bed so her legs dangle off the end and Yaz can stand between them. As soon as she looks like she’s going back in she diverts her path to dip her head between Jenny’s legs and clean up some of the mess she’s making. She rolls her tongue across her length, savouring her taste, her smell, the way Jenny shudders as she runs over her clit, almost trapping her in her thighs but Yaz is fast enough to get out of there and back to business. 

Jenny’s heels dig into Yaz’s hips and the small of her back while her arms cling around her neck for dear life as Yaz is relentless in how she moves. Her right hand palms Jenny’s breast, her left holds on to her hip bone, her lips devour her collarbones and her hips thrust into her knowing how she likes it. All the while the way Jenny’s trying to reserve her moans, breathing heavily into Yaz’s hair and the sounds of how wet and slick she is spurs Yaz on to try harder. To ignore the fact she’s on edge herself and Jenny hasn’t so much as breathed on the lower half of her body yet.

Yaz stands herself up straight, the cold air battling against the sheen of sweat on her skin. She manages to get a few thrusts in before Jenny sits herself up for more contact, arms tightly clenching onto Yaz’s shoulders, her chin pushed into her own neck, her jaw dropped open and her eyes looking up at Yaz through her eyelashes and Yaz feels herself pulse at it. Every pump of the toy inside her draws out a guttural moan each time and Yaz at one point hears herself groan over how Jenny’s body is behaving under her.

“Yaz- oh god Yaz, please- please I’m so clo- I’m-” Jenny breathes the broken and unfinished sentence against Yaz’s lips. 

“I’ve not touched you yet.” Yaz says, entirely confused as how Jenny can be so close with penetration alone. 

“I know but- uhn fuck!” 

Jenny’s face scrunches up and two seconds later her head gets thrown back and her body goes tense. Yaz keeps moving, but calmer, leaving all the fast action to her fingers that have joined to assist in drawing out her orgasm by slipping over her clit. It all makes Jenny pant shallowly when her voice runs out of power and Yaz reckons she’s never seen or heard such a beautiful thing in her life. 

She pulls out, Jenny still reeling from the high to notice, and Yaz removes the strap to discard it on the floor so she can climb back into bed and await her turn. Except half a minute goes by and Jenny’s still shaking. 

“Jen.” Yaz says. No response. 

“Jen-Jenny are you okay?” Yaz asks, shuffling closer. 

In response Jenny drapes her arm over Yaz’s stomach. Obviously Yaz’s skin aches and burns with want but it’s a soft gesture. Or so she thinks. Jenny’s body shuffles further towards her so she’s pressing up against her side. Yaz thinks it’s a cuddle and first, she even moves her arm so that its under Jenny’s head but as her head rests in the crook of her neck Jenny feathers her hand down until her fingers are spreading out her folds and pushing into her so slow it’s almost painful. 

“Mmh, Jenny…” Yaz sighs, curling her fingers into Jenny’s hair. She can feel Jenny smiling into her neck at the utterance of her name from Yaz’s lips.

The heel of Jenny’s palm hits against her clit with every stroke but she isn’t moving quickly. She’s taking her time, letting Yaz grind down on her hand to make it hit just right. Yaz’s head is swirling and so many thoughts are pounding against her skull she can’t focus on any one of them to make it make sense. She reaches over with her other hand to latch on to Jenny’s forearm to steady herself but the feeling of the muscles moving and tensing underneath her skin fast forwards her to the edge. 

“Oh my god.” Yaz gulps. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh- Jenny! Jenny! Jen-!”

Yaz pulls on Jenny’s hair and turns her head as she comes, Jenny’s name still tumbling from her lips, fighting to keep her eyes open so she can look at Jenny with every wave of pleasure that rolls through her until she feels them stop and Jenny removes her hand. Then and only then do her eyes close and enhance the feeling of Jenny’s lips gently pressing against hers. 

“I still don’t get it.” Yaz says. The sex was a few hours ago now, but all they’ve managed to do in that time is shower, change the bed sheets and get into their PJs. Now Yaz is curled into Jenny’s side, Jenny’s arm protectively around her shoulders, and they’ve both got Supreme- who is now allowed back in the room- splayed across their laps. 

“It was the angle you had me at. Must’ve hit my g-spot. Or the back of my clit. Did you know that the actual muscle of the clitoris is-” 

“Or I’m just that good.” Yaz smirks.

“Or you’re just that good.” Jenny smiles, squeezing Yaz’s shoulder.

“Jenny-”

Jenny groans immediately. “I hate it when you use that voice. It means stuff about to get serious.”

“I just wanted to say that I know I’ve been lacking in the ‘caring about you’ department recently and I want to try and fix that.” Yaz plays with Supreme’s tail as she speaks to make the subject topic sound more casual than it is. 

“Alright, now I’m the one who doesn’t get it.”

Yaz shrugs. “We’ve been so focused on fixing my problems we haven’t talked about yours. Not even your problems, just what’s going on with you.” 

“Same old me Yaz.” 

“But Jenny you’re graduating in a few months. You dissertation your… just everything. You must want to talk about something.” Yaz persists.

“I am a bit stressed if that’s what you’re implying.” Jenny mumbles. Stroking Supreme's nose as he purrs into her finger. 

“That’s your ‘I’m hiding something’ voice.” Yaz calls her out, since they’re mentioning the different voices the pair of them have. 

“No it’s not!” 

“Yes it is!” 

“Not it’s not!”

“Yes, Jenny, it is!”

“Fine.” Jenny huffs. “I’ve been thinking about the future.” 

“What about it?” Yaz asks, her interest in this conversation piqued. 

“I… I don’t really want to do a third degree anymore.” Jenny says. It sounds like this is the first time she said the words out loud to fall on listening ears. “It would just be more debt and I want to spend more time with you and… and the school I already help at have offered to put me through teacher training.” 

“You want to be a teacher?” Yaz tries to clarify. 

“I think I do. Worth a shot, right? And then maybe in a few years time or a bit longer I can do my masters and maybe get a doctorate if I want.”

“Doctor Jennifer Smith.” Yaz tests the words out on her tongue. 

“I like the sound of it too.” Jenny smiles. “Maybe one day.” 

“Jen.” Yaz says quietly, nestling into her side even more just to feel her body against her.

“Yes Yaz.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

Jenny acknowledges her statement by kissing Yaz on her forehead. Yaz can feel herself getting hungry but can’t bring herself to bring it up with Jenny because that would mean moving and the way they are now, the way everything feels… normal. Like it was. And she can’t shake the feeling that something lurking around the corner. Watching. Waiting to destroy it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL this one's nice and fun so content warnings for stabbing/knife crime (lightly described, nothing in detail at all) ((which I'm going to add please do not ever carry knives ever)) and hospitals because I know they sometimes freak people out. They're really going through it

It was supposed to be a simple job. A fight to break up in the local corner store. Something Yaz sees every day. Nothing out of the ordinary. Now, sitting on the freezing pavement, O shouting into his radio for backup while restraining the offender and the innocent participant of the argument pressing his hand to Yaz’s stomach to compress the bleeding, Yaz realises this is not a normal day. She should be thinking about how much blood she’s losing, how much time it’s going to take for another car and the ambulance to arrive but all she can think about is how Jenny’s going to be waiting outside the station to drop off the lunch she left on the counter this morning to her desk.

To her the world is moving slow around her although she knows it’s probably frantic. She can see the hair on the man's head in front of her face shaking with... nerves? Adrenaline? Shock? One of them but Yaz is just still. She can hear O calling for her, asking if she can respond and when Yaz opens her mouth to answer and no words come out the stranger helping her calls back. Yaz thinks he says ‘she’s fine but the ambulance needs to hurry up’ but she can’t be sure. Jenny’s probably getting ready to leave about now. 

The pressure on her stomach leaves and then is swiftly replaced with O’s hands. Since when did the other cop car get here for him to be able to take over? 

“Can I get an ambulance ETA please.” O asks and the radio static prevents Yaz from hearing the answer. “Are you okay Yaz? Are you still with me?”

Yaz nods. “Jen…” She summons every ounce of energy from the shock running through her body. “Jenny.” 

“Don’t think about her now Yaz-”

“I want Jenny.” It doesn’t sound like her voice but it is her words. 

“I’ll tell her, I promise but only when you’re in an ambulance.”

She doesn’t know how long after that the ambulance turns up but it does and she’s taken away from O without the chance to so much as give O Jenny’s number. The ambulance poke at her, prod at her, attach her to all these machines she hasn’t got a clue about and waits until the journey blurs into her being transferred into hospital. Then it just goes black. 

The next Yaz knows she’s awake and has a sharp ache on a specific part of her tummy while the rest of her body just aches dully. She’s still attached to some machines tracking her vitals, a drip attached to her, laying flat on her back. The lights above her are just about blinding, the people around her are entertaining themselves quietly but Yaz feels like they’re all shouting in her ear. The adrenaline has left her body feeling exhausted but her mind can’t keep still. How bad was it? Where exactly is she? Did they have to operate? Surely they can’t do that without the permission of her next of kin which is still listed as her parents. Do her parents know? Does Jenny know yet?

“Ah! The brave police officer is awake.” A familiar voice breaks Yaz’s curiosity for looking around.

“Hey Rory.” Yaz grumbles. If anyone’s going to be her nurse she’s glad it’s him. Again.

“Do you remember what happened?” He asks. 

“Can I have some water first please.” Yaz requests.

“Um- I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no. The drip should be keeping you hydrated enough.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

“Is your mouth a bit dry?”

“A little bit.”

“It shouldn’t. I’ll get you some.”

“When can I go home?” Yaz jumps away from the small talk. All she wants right now is a warm shower, her bed, and the cat on her lap. 

“The doctors are saying tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow!” Yaz tries to sit up. At the same time, the pain in her abdomen shoots through her and Rory leaps to keep her down by her shoulders. 

“Tell that to the sixteen stitches you have. No organs were hit but the cut was quite big. Stay laying down, it'll help.”

“I want Jenny.” Yaz repeats.

“She’s coming, don’t worry. As soon as she gets here I’ll send her in. Can I just check your dressing?”

“I don’t want to look.” Yaz says as a reflex.

“You don’t have to.” Rory pulls the blanket up to Yaz’s hips so that he can lift the hospital gown up to expose her stomach. Yaz looks away, feeling him prod on her left hand side of her body. “Yep. everything still intact. Can you tell me the date today and what happened?”

“Twenty-second of December.” Yaz tugs down the gown again. “You know what happened, it will say on my notes.” 

“You went into shock, Yaz, I need to test what you remember.” Rory persists. 

“I was… with O on a job. Just a fight in the corner store but once we turned up...we didn’t know the aggressor had a blade on him- none of us did- and when I split them up he just. Lunged at me. Next thing I knew O threw himself between us and chucked me out onto the street, out of the way. Then I just... waited.”

“You don’t have to say anymore, that’s good enough.” Rory smiles, putting the clipboard holding all her details back onto the end of her bed. “Yaz I have to warn you… Jenny’s not happy.”

“Of course she won’t be-”

“No, Yaz. She’s _really_ not happy.” 

Rory taps the end of the hospital bed a few times before walking away with nothing else to say. Yaz focuses on telling herself the story over and over again rather than thinking about what Jenny’s going to be like when she arrives. Not happy could mean anything under the sun. Not happy with O, not happy with work, not happy with Yaz, it could mean anything. When the door flings open and it’s not a nurse or a doctor Yaz’s heart skips a beat expecting it to be Jenny but it’s O, walking in with less of a saunter than he usually does and his face slightly ashen. 

“Why the long face?” Yaz tries to joke.

“Until you graduate, I’m your superior.” He sits in the visitors chair. “You got hurt under my command.” 

“I’m still alive, aren’t I.” Yaz puts on a brave face but as she says it, it hits her. _I could’ve died._

“Exactly.” O reads her face. “But you’re right, you didn’t. And sixteen stitches,” He whistles as if impressed. “That’ll leave one hell of a scar.”

“Why are you here?” Yaz asks. “Don’t go all soft on me now and pretend you care about me.” 

“Missy sent me.” O admits.

“Hm. Thought so.” 

“She said she’d try and come once her shift is done in a couple of hours but she gave me the rest of the day off and…” O averts his gaze to the floor. “I was worried so…”

“You do care about me.” Yaz smiles smugly. 

The doors to the ward fly open and Yaz sees a frantic Jenny searching the room with her eyes until they land on her. 

“Oh my god.” Jenny mutters to herself, b-lining to when Yaz is laying.

“What no flowers?” Yaz tries to make light of things again since O has put her in a better mood than the one she woke up in. 

“Don’t you dare try to joke with me right now.” Jenny says sternly. 

“Someone’s in trouble.” O whispers. 

“I’m fine Jenny.”

“I get a phone call about you being stabbed on duty and that I need to come to the hospital because you’ve had _sixteen_ stitches and all you can say is you’re fine?” Jenny tries to keep her voice from shouting and disturbing the other patients while she completely ignores O and rounds to the other side of the bed. “Jesus, Yaz, what…” 

Jenny tails off waving her hands either side of Yaz’s face unable to decide if she can touch her. Yaz takes one of them just to show Jenny she’s not a hologram or a figment of her imagination.

“It was quite heroic.” O pipes up. It wasn’t. They didn’t even know it was happening until it happened but Yaz guesses he’s trying to make her look good. 

“You’ve met O, Jen.” Yaz says. 

“Yeah, O, your supervisor that let you get hurt.” Jenny snaps, throwing him a cold hard stare.

“Jenny!” Embarrassment floods through Yaz’s blood.

“I should leave.” O stands. “Missy will be by.” 

“Cheers mate.” Yaz smiles.

“Yeah, for nothing.” Jenny mutters, rolling her eyes.

“Hey.” Yaz tugs on Jenny’s arm, thoroughly pissed off with her now. “Who do you think pushed me out of the way of more harm, huh? Who called for the ambulance, for backup? Who arrested the guy who did this to me?” Yaz watches Jenny’s face soften. “I might not be here if he hadn’t been there.” 

Yaz’s lip trembles then; the shock catching up with her and melting into the emotion of relief. Jenny pulls the curtains for some privacy around them. 

“Have you told my mum?” Yaz asks, ignoring the quiver in her voice. 

“No but I can. Come here first.” 

Jenny cups Yaz’s face and feathers kisses on her forehead, her temples, her nose and finally her lips before she pulls Yaz’s head into her shoulder for a kind of hug. It’s the best they can do with Yaz laying and Jenny standing.

“Call mum.” Yaz says, nodding towards her phone. “They need to know before someone sends them a local article or something.”

“What do you want me to say?” Jenny asks. 

“I’ll tell you, just call her.”

“Okay.” Jenny starts to walk away. 

“Where are you going?” 

Jenny points at the wall behind Yaz and Yaz twists her body to look. Big mistake really and she’s painfully reminded that she can’t really move at all. 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, it’s a sign that says no phones. I should’ve just told you.” Jenny presses the ‘request assistance’ button on Yaz’s behalf. “You need more painkillers if you’re feeling that.” 

“You’re not my doctor.” Yaz accidentally snaps out of frustration.

“No. But I know you and I don’t want you to hurt.” Jenny says calmly before exiting through the curtain to make that phone call.

Jenny’s gone for a full ten minutes before she comes back looking like she’s had an earful of it. Rory comes within that time to give her some more painkillers and Yaz asks him again what’s actually going on with her but he refuses to say anything; only telling her her doctor will explain when he does his rounds. 

“How’d she take it?” Yaz asks Jenny as she sits in the visitors chair beside her.

“She wants you to call her as soon as you’re out of here. When is that by the way?” Jenny asks.

“Rory said the doctor’s are saying tomorrow. I don’t really know anything at the moment.” Yaz shrugs. 

“Have you seen it?” Jenny asks, her eyes going back and forth from Yaz’s eyes to her stomach. 

“I’m scared to.” Yaz whispers. Jenny takes hold of her hand and squeezes.

“Can I look? I won’t touch it or anything I just want to see.” Jenny says quietly. Yaz always feels content when she uses that voice on her, so she nods, turning her face away so she doesn’t see. Fifty seconds later Yaz feels the dressing get stuck back on to her skin. “I took a picture. In case you want to look at it in the future.” 

“Okay.” Yaz nods again, timidly.

“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Jenny probes softly, taking hold of her hand again and lacing their fingers together.

“The whole time it was happening, all I could think about was you. All I wanted was you and now that you’re here I’m just upset.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Jenny asks- her words only just audible. 

“No! No, it’s just… thinking about what I could have lost, that’s all.” 

“Listen.” Jenny stands to lean over her again, moving Yaz’s hand at the same time, holding it against her cheek. “Yes you were lucky this time but you got out of it and I’m here visiting you and I’m going to be here tomorrow to bring you home. Only way is forward now.” 

Yaz brings Jenny in with her arms again to kiss her; to remind her that she’s here with her and not dead on the street. It hurts the way she has to lift her body up to chase her but she just wants her touch that little bit longer.

“Yaz we’re in a hospital.” Jenny has to remind her. She sits herself back down, not letting go of her hand for one second. “Tell me exactly what happened.”

Yaz does. Every detail she can remember like she told Rory but also all the emotions she got fast tracked through too. She reckons Jenny’s the only one she’ll admit anything about this to. Jenny doesn’t ask any more questions or push her to say anything more after she’s done explaining. All Jenny really does is find a black sharpie from somewhere and start drawing on the pads of Yaz’s thumbs and fingers. When she runs out of fingers to draw on they sit silently- Jenny quite obviously contemplating a million things at once. 

“I expected you to be angrier.” Yaz says. 

“How come?” Jenny sits up with interest.

“Rory kept saying you weren’t happy.” Yaz says. Jenny instantly shimmers with a force-field of defenses.

“We can talk about it later.”

“Jen-”

“Later. When you’re home.” Jenny says.

Before Yaz has the chance to question her, Rory’s head peers through the curtain to interrupt the conversation.

“You Sargent's here to see you. Hey Jen.” He says.

“Hey.”

“She can come in.” Yaz says.

“Are you sure Yaz?” Jenny checks. There’s something in her voice that suggests to Yaz that Jenny should probably be asking herself that question.

“Yeah, send her in.” Yaz nods for extra effect and assurance. The familiar sound of heavy boots that could scare off any criminal closes in on them.

“PC Khan. Bouncy leg.” Missy nods at Yaz then Jenny consecutively making her way through the curtain; Yaz smiling to herself that Missy remembers the first time they all met. 

“Bouncy leg?” Jenny whispers. 

“Hi Sarge.” Yaz pushes on the conversation. 

“How are you feeling?” Missy asks. Yaz can tell she’s actually being nice and considerate because she’s known her for a while now but Jenny is another story.

“Oh, she’s just peaky. Really brilliant as you can see.”

“Jenny.” Yaz says her name through gritted teeth as if she can control her.

“Jenny, is it?” Missy takes the situation into her own hands.

“Yeah. I’m her fiancé.” Jenny gets her back up.

“Nice to finally meet you properly Jenny. Be a dear and fetch Yaz something nice from the vending machine.”

“What? No! Hang on a sec-” Jenny stands to confront Missy and Yaz has to jump in before it’s too late.

“Actually Jenny I am getting a bit hungry.” Yaz says. She’s not but she says what she has to say to stop whatever's incoming from landing.

Jenny leaves with no other protest but a lingering glare behind Missy’s back.

“Well…” Missy pouts stepping forward. “she’s a little-”

“Overbearing? Overprotective?” Yaz suggests.

“I was going to say pissed off but we’ll go with that.” She says. It makes Yaz smile and realise how smothering Jenny can be at times like this.

“Are you here to make sure I’m not going to file a lawsuit?” Yaz asks, only partly serious.

“No I’m only partially here in a professional capacity.”

“Only partially?” Yaz feels herself getting confused.

“I’m supposed to be offering you counselling and running you through what happens next work wise but considering the incident only happened this morning, I thought it would be too harsh to dump it all on you.” 

“You’re right, it would.” Yaz agrees.

“I’ll discuss with you some other time.” Missy finishes speaking and it sets Yaz on edge, her just standing there waiting for Yaz to carry on the conversation.

“Is that it, is that all you came to say?” Yaz asks.

“No actually,” Missy pulls a cream envelope from behind her back. “Everyone at the station heard about it. They’re feeling for you so…” She hands over the card.

“Thank you. That’s really sweet.” Yaz says, genuinely touched. Sometimes she still sees herself as the new kid on the block, not worthy of all these other professionals sympathies.

“Let me know when you’re fully recovered, Khan.”

“Her name’s Yaz.” Jenny reappears with a honey, oats and chocolate chip bar in her hand. One of Yaz’s favourites.

“Do you have an issue with me visiting your girlfriend, sweetheart?” Missy turns, an eyebrow raise.

“Oh God.” Yaz whispers under her breath.

“She’s my partner, actually, and my issue’s more to do with you.”

“Jenny shut-”

“Oh really?” Missy’s stance turns defensive. 

“Jenny please.” Yaz holds her hand over her face in pure embarrassment. 

“I love her. And she’s hurt because of the work you give her.” Jenny points accusingly.

“You’re upset, I understand that, but you really need to calm down before you come and start accusing me.” Missy speaks calmly. “See you later kid.” She says as she leaves without looking around, but Yaz knows that part was aimed at her.

“Calm. Down.” Yaz repeats Missy’s message. “You being like this is just going to stress me out more.”

“Sorry.”

Jenny stays quiet for the rest of visiting hours, only kicking up a fuss again when she realises the nurses will remove her by force if they need to. Thankfully, for Yaz’s sake it doesn’t come to that and she leaves promising to return as soon as Yaz or the hospital tell her to come and bring her home. Yaz goes through the process of thinking ‘I’m finally going to be able to get some rest’ that leads to ‘no one ever gets a good night's sleep in hospital’ in about twenty minutes. The ward itself is fairly quiet; the hum of machines and mild groans of pain and frustration from her neighbours every now and then but the bustle of the rest of the hospital goes on around them and overall, it just isn’t Yaz’s bed. She can only lay in one position that doesn’t make the lower half of her body ache for so long and she doesn’t dare try to lay on her injured side but she can just about adjust to the other for fifteen minutes before that starts to hurt and she needs to switch back. She tries to take herself to the toilet at three in the morning and after one one step out of bed she gets dizzy from the pain she just about manages to hit the button for assistance as she falls to the floor. The nurse gives Yaz a telling off for not asking for assistance first but Yaz argues that she didn’t know she’d get light headed just from standing up because she hasn’t had a chance to test her strength yet. Of course the nurse doesn’t take any of it and warns Yaz not to try and get herself out of bed again. 

Morning comes around and several doctors come to visit her to see how the stitches are fairing. Yaz still can’t bring herself to look and answers all of their questions politely. She only starts to listen to people properly when Rory appears to give her instructions on how to look after herself at home. She can’t get it wet so she has to sponge bath herself and she can’t walk for too long to start off with. She can take painkillers as instructed on the pack but no more than that and the cat isn’t allowed anywhere near the wound if the dressing isn’t covering it in case of infection. Plus, if she doesn’t eat the food that’s been brought to her this morning she won’t be discharged. It’s all a bit scary, reducing Yaz to feeling like she’s reliving her first day of school again with all these rules until Jenny’s standing in front of her. 

“Hey.” Jenny smiles, gathering Yaz’s bags onto her shoulder. “Sleep well?” 

“Not at all- ah!” 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.” Jenny’s arm is already around her waist holding her up. “Doctors are saying that because of the positioning of the...stitches it’s better for you to stand straight rather than sit in a wheelchair.”

“Seriously?” Yaz strains as she struggles to take those first few steps.

“And you’ve still got to call mum.” 

“Oh god.” She groans into Jenny’s shoulder and lets her carry her to the car and all the way home.

That evening, after a very long and emotionally draining call with her parents and her sister separately, Yaz is laying on her bed and playing with a toy attached to some string attached to a stick with Supreme messing up the fresh sheets Jenny put on for Yaz’s comfort, Yaz forgets that she even has an injury. He shouldn’t really be near her, let alone on the bed so close to her stomach but he’s making her calm down and not think which is just what she needs. 

“Do you want me to help?” Jenny perches herself on the side of the bed by Yaz’s legs, making the mattress dip.

“With what?” Yaz asks absently, mind still focused on the playing cat. 

“Your bath by baby wipes.” Jenny chucks the packet the hospital gave her onto the bed.

“You don’t have to do that Jen, you’ve done enough already.” Yaz says. 

“In sickness and in health.” Jenny recites as she shrugs timidly. 

Yaz taps Jenny’s side with her foot, sensing that something’s bothering her. “What is it, what was it you wanted to talk to me about? Before my boss came.”

“I… I don’t… I don’t think you’ll like it. Maybe I should wait for-” Jenny weaves, dips and dodges around the subject.

“Tell me now.” Yaz demands. 

“I don’t want you going back to work there.” Jenny says firmly; as if she has the right to say it like that.

“What?” Yaz breathes, not quite understanding where this situation is going or what it means.

“I mean I don’t… I really don’t… I’m not having you hurt like this again.” 

“Jenny I’m gonna go back to work.” Yaz says simply so that it gets through to her. 

“But not with the police. Please, just get a safe job where you’re not going to get stabbed or shot at or-

“So what, you want me behind a desk for the rest of my life is that it?” Yaz asks. She can hear her voice rising and she wants to be able to control it but the past two days have worn her to the end of her tether with her. 

“No, I just want you safe and that job is-”

“That job is what I want to do and I will be going back to it!” 

“No. You’re not.” Jenny’s face scrunches up as if the concept of Yaz going back is incomprehensible. 

“Yes, I am Jenny. It’s what I want to do and you can’t dictate what job I have.” 

“Yes I can.”

“No you can’t! Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because I’ve already lost everyone I’ve ever loved in one way or another and I’ll be damned if I lose you too!” 

Silence. Heavy breathing. Strong heartbeats in their chests thumping away. Jenny’s resorted to being still and staring into her lap while Yaz just lays there, stunned. She lifts her hand when she can’t take anymore of the quiet and reaches to stroke Jenny’s arm but Jenny anticipates her movements and stands up out of Yaz’s reach.

“Jenny come and talk to me about this.” Yaz turns her voice back to soft and gentle mode.

“No.” Jenny shakes her head and back further and further away.

“Don’t walk out because you know I can’t follow you.” Yaz threatens.

“Just give me a sec.” Jenny heads for the door.

“Jenny!” 

Yaz calls after her but the door still shuts behind her, leaving Yaz trapped. Instinctively Yaz lifts the upper half of her body up to chase her, make sure she’s okay, but again she forgets she’s hurt and falls back to the bed with a yelp and her hands clutching her side. The painkillers have probably left her system by now and the pain shoots through her like she’s been struck by lightning. Yaz lays deadly still, gritting her teeth and clenching every muscle in her face until the sensation it subsides. She feels Supreme nudge his head against her cheek while she rides through it. 

“I want Jenny.” Yaz finds herself mumbling the sentence over and over again to the cat settling above her shoulder, realising she has no idea when Jenny’s going to be back. Or if she’ll be back at all tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so how we feeling? everyone okay? everything good? anyone have a headache thanks to this because I do


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote Jenny getting beat up and Yaz getting stabbed both on the 22nd December without realizing, poor writing or just the power of my mind, take a guess

Yaz wakes feeling like she’s drowning. She was reliving all over again in her dreams- the whole incident playing out before her in excruciating detail and the weight of hands on her shoulders being the only thing managing to shake her out of it. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay, it’s okay.” Jenny tries to soothe her, whispering into her ear to remind her a dream is a dream and this is  _ not  _ a dream. The hot breath against her earlobe, the sound of her voice as sturdy as ever, it grounds her in an instant. But unfortunately the searing hot pain in her abdomen is not part of a dream.

“You- you’re home?” Yaz stutters in the surprise of seeing her.

“I’m home. I came home. You were asleep I didn’t want to wake you.”

As Jenny strokes Yaz’s cheek Yaz wants to shout at her, scream at her for leaving her alone, yell at her for not staying to talk it out but all she can do is beg for her to help.

“Jenny it hurts.” Yaz whimpers.

“It’s alright, I’ll get the meds. Don’t try to get up, okay?”

“Okay.” Yaz nods. It feels like each second is cruelly getting dragged out by the universe to make her suffer even though she knows Jenny’s moving as fast as she can.

“Sit up a bit for me.” Jenny asks for her to do a simple action but Yaz only trusts herself to lift her shoulders up enough to swallow the pills with some water. “Give it five minutes and you’ll be okay.” Jenny lays her back down.

“I’m not okay though am I Jenny.” Yaz can feel tears of pain and pure emotional exhaustion brimming at the corner of her eyelids.

“It’s not going to be like this forever Yaz.” Jenny settles down beside her again, a hand finding its way under Yaz’s shirt to stroke around the dressing covering her still raw wound. “It’ll only really hurt for the next few days the most and then it will heal up. A couple of weeks time the stitches will be out. Your skin will still feel funny with all the nerve endings growing back and everything will be a little bit tender but you’ll be able to walk and shower and sleep.”

“Will I sleep?” Yaz asks almost instantaneously. “Or am I just going to relive it every time I close my eyes.”

“If that happens, you don’t have to live with it. We can get you therapy.”

“I can’t afford a therapist at the moment Jen.” Yaz sighs, mainly because of the relief of the painkillers kicking in.

“Then you ask for compensation at work.” Jenny says simply. “You get mentally assessed right? So surely they’ll check you before you go back anyway.” 

“When I go back?” Yaz whispers.

“Yeah.” Jenny nods and blinks slowly like a cat forming a truce. “When you go back. I admit it can be dangerous at times but it’s what you really love to do. My own problems shouldn’t get in the way of that.”

Yaz tucks Jenny’s hair behind her ear, making it look pointy and elf-like and stick out and it makes Jenny too adorable for words. 

“You’re never going to lose me Jenny.” Yaz says, turning her head to face her since she can’t with her body. “I’ve told you, I’m ready to get married whenever you want.”

“Planning a wedding will just add more stress to what we already have at the moment. Venues and outfits and food and music and guest lists it’s just all... we’re waiting until we’re settled, that was the plan. That’s what I’m more comfortable with anyway.”

Yaz kisses Jenny’s cheek. “I’d marry you behind the bins at the back of the building where that family of feral rats live in my underwear if you wanted.”

“Now that would be a party.”

Yaz laughs, consciously making it light in fear of her stomach muscles reacting badly. It’s true though. She’d do anything for Jenny still after all this time. Once upon a time accepting that sentiment would have been the most fear inducing thing in the world. It’s still a bit scary now if truth be told.

“What are we going to do about today?” Jenny asks- her thumb circling around the square cloth dressing. 

“Today?” Yaz asks, having lost track of what the time is altogether. 

“Christmas eve. And tomorrow. I know we were all going to go to Amy and Rory’s but-”

“I’m not going to stop you from seeing your friends Jenny. You can go.” Yaz says, not wanting Jenny to be stuck inside with her when she could be having fun.

“I’m not comfortable leaving you for a whole day, not this soon.”

Yaz shrugs and huffs knowing Jenny is especially hard to reason with when she’s on the defensive. “Then we’ll see how I feel.”

Turns out Yaz feels tired and grumpy and sore for the entirety of Christmas Eve and she almost has to resort to physical force to get Jenny out of the flat and spend the evening with her mates. She’s got enough drugs in her system to shuffle herself around the flat and cook herself some food if she holds herself up against the walls so she knows nothing drastic is going to happen. Throughout the day a few cards and bunches of flowers arrived; mainly from family but one from Bill and some from the neighbours who found out through Jenny. Yaz appreciates the sentiment but has avoided reading the well wishes in the cards because she mentally refuses to believe she’s hurt.

Yaz makes herself some pasta, nothing special but it’s what she wants, and manages to eat standing up. She could try sitting but she fears not being able to get up again or if it’s going to hurt. Sitting herself up in bed and using the loo is a struggle enough to deal with. After, Yaz settles herself back in bed, tired from moving around after two days of being almost completely still and with Supreme laying across her ankles, and reaches for Jenny’s laptop so that she can watch a cheesy Christmas film. 

Except whenever Yaz opens Jenny’s laptop there’s usually either a virtual note left on the desktop for her or an essay still open on the screen. This time, instead of the aforementioned, Jenny has left her browser open. Yaz shouldn’t freak out, she knows she shouldn’t since it’s not porn, it’s not someone elses nudes, it’s nothing incriminating against Jenny, nothing criminal, dirty, or deal breaking… just to Yaz, it’s shocking. For someone who isn’t rushing to get married anytime soon, Jenny sure has a lot of pinned tabs about wedding rings, ceremony venues and how to write the perfect vows. Yaz switches to a different tab and instinctively tries to wipe what she saw from her mind however the questions start to creep in without a filter. Why hasn’t Jenny said anything? Why isn’t she consulting her? Should she be thinking about all this stuff too? Is this all just wishful thinking or proper research? Does she admit to Jenny that she’s seen that? Did she leave all that stuff up on purpose knowing Yaz would see? Too many questions that can’t be answered by speculation, so even though Yaz has a random film playing she’s more preoccupied waiting for Jenny to come home instead and she knows when Jenny’s home when Supreme vacates her ankles and moves to curl up on Jenny’s pillow- his usual tactic to piss Jenny off after a hard day. 

“Yaz I really wish you would have been there.” Jenny comes in a lot louder than Yaz expected her to, leading Yaz to consider an option she rarely has to with Jenny.

“Have you been drinking?” Yaz asks even though she already knows the answer.

“Maybe just one or two.” Jenny almost falls as she tries to take off one of her boots. “Or three but they were small!” She says once she’s caught herself. “Okay maybe only the third one was small and the rest were very big but you told me to have a good time!”

“I did. At least you’re only stage two.” Yaz giggles along with Jenny. No harm in her having some well earnt fun.

“Who says I’m not stage three already?” Jenny bites her lip and wiggles both her eyebrows at the same time. It’s clumsy and Yaz hates how it’s working on her.

“Jen.” Yaz tries to warn her off softly and half-heartedly as she crawls across the bed, diagonally holding herself above Yaz’s chest. 

“Not my fault that you’re so beautiful and hot and sexy and always in my head.” With every adjective Jenny says her face inches closer.

“Jenny I haven’t washed properly in three days.” Yaz stops her by pushing on her shoulders. 

“Mmm I don’t think that’s an issue.”

Jenny’s lips attach themselves to Yaz’s neck without a second of hesitation and Yaz likes it. All the other times she’s been touched recently have felt more like prods and pokes from medical professionals. To have Jenny caress her and stroke her and hum against her all with just her mouth helps Yaz remember that she’s a person with feelings not a science project. Jenny moves to meet Yaz’s lips and Yaz’s hands instinctively wrap themselves around Jenny’s body. She knows by the way Jenny’s moving and refusing to let her body touch Yaz’s that she has no intention to push this further than a bit of messing about. Or so she thinks until her top gets pulled up over her head and her stomach feels strangely cold. 

“I just want it off.” Jenny half mumbles half slurs her reasoning. 

“It’s alright- Jesus.” Yaz looks down and sees exactly why her lower stomach feels so cold.

“What- oh… shit.” 

Yaz can’t stop staring at it. The worn out tape that was holding the dressing against her skin has been taken up with her shirt and left her stitched up skin exposed to the elements. She still doesn’t want to see it but now that her eyes are locked on there’s something morbidly fascinating about it.

“I didn’t realise- I wouldn’t have-”

“It’s okay Jen.” Yaz stops Jenny from apologizing. It’s not her fault. Truth be told she was supposed to check the dressing this morning but she was too afraid to. 

She can’t stop looking. She can’t. It’s her body but she feels so dissociated from it. The skin is a different colour, the area looks harsh and swollen and it’s just not  _ her.  _

“I’ll get a new dressing. Don’t touch it.” Jenny disappears from above her and Yaz feels herself starting to fall into a panic. 

“Jenny.” Yaz calls for her, waving her arm in her direction. 

“I’m coming, hold on.”

Jenny’s voice feels so far away as Yaz continues to try and move her eyes away and fails at each attempt. New memories are unlocking themselves like she’s in the corner store all over again. The blade leaving her, the force of O pushing her away, the adrenaline in her legs carrying her outside onto the street, the innocent guy trying to hold her up while she sinks to the floor. 

“Yaz. Yaz look at me. Don’t cry baby.” Jenny’s hand on her cheek is what finally breaks her downward gaze in the end. “Don’t cry.”

“Cover it.” Yaz chokes on her words as a tear rolls down her cheek. 

Yaz keeps her eyes on the glow in the dark stars stuck to the ceiling as she feels Jenny attach a new dressing with fresh tape. Supreme, always one to sense when something is up, walks over Yaz’s head and into her vision, meowing once he reaches the other side as if to ask ‘what’s wrong’. Yaz scoops him into her arms and drags him onto her chest like he’s a cuddly toy.

“All done.” Jenny appears in front of her face again, kissing her forehead so tenderly that if Yaz wasn’t crying already she would be now. “It’s a lot isn’t it. You know what, this can’t wait for you to go back to work, I’m getting you a therapist.”

“I’m fine Jenny it’s just that it only happened a few days-”

“And how long will you be using that excuse for?”

Yaz can’t summon any words she knows will appease Jenny and instead of pursuing her to make a half hearted attempt Jeny simply holds her, Supreme stuck between the middle of them, until Yaz finds herself drifting off to sleep.

“All good?” Jenny asks after helping hoist Yaz out of the car and onto her feet. It’s the least dignified she’s ever felt in her life but she wouldn’t have been able to do it without Jenny’s arms around her.

“Jenny, they’re going to think I smell. I shouldn’t have left the flat I-” 

“As soon as you feel you need to leave we can go. Also you used about seven of those wipes and almost a whole can of deodorant this morning I think you’re good so long as no one lights a match in your vicinity.” Jenny says, letting Yaz intertwine their arms as a way of support as they take baby steps up to the blue front door. 

“Happy Christmas!” Clara shouts as the door flies open without so much as a knock. “Come in you idiots you’re late.” 

Yaz lets Jenny help her inside but as soon as the door is shut behind them Yaz insists she’s able to move by herself so Jenny sets her free. The first thing Yaz sees as she enters the living room- other than the great big Christmas tree with too many lights on for words- is Ryan speed walking in her direction with his arms flung open.

“Not too tight man!” Yaz warns as Ryan’s arms wrap around her.

“I was worried about ya.” Ryan says. 

“Not worried enough to come and visit me.” Yaz calls him out. Ryan just huffs a little bit and walks away so that everyone else can greet her. 

“How is it?” Rory asks. 

“Oi! No medical talk today, remember?” Amy shouts over at him. 

“Aches a bit still but I’m fine.” Yaz says a short and sweet answer with a smile and that seems to satisfy the nurse.

Although she basically whispered it, Yaz looks behind Rory to see Jenny glaring at her. Of course it hurts more than just an ache and she’s not exactly ‘fine’ about it all considering her lack of sleep and reaction to seeing the damage but Yaz isn’t going to bring it up. She likes the sound of Amy’s ‘no medical talk’ rule for today.

The rest of the morning flashes by in a mixture of catching up on what Yaz missed out on last night, silly games and Yaz having to take a phone call from her parents back in Sheffield. By the time she’s finished telling her mum to stop worrying about her being out of the house away from her home comforts, dinner is being served up. Yaz feels rude at the fact she isn’t eating much and she apologizes, although no one mentions it and it’s becoming more and more clear to her that Jenny may have laid down some rules about how to be around Yaz last night while she was out of the way.

Jenny over eats like she usually does on special occasions and ends up laying on the sofa with her head in Yaz’s lap. Yaz doesn’t mind and enjoys playing with her hair while everyone else keeps knocking back the drinks. She has to sneak away to update her dose of painkillers after a while, but it’s hard to simply ‘slip away’ when everyone's got their eyes on you.

“You need to tell her if you’re in pain.” Clara appears in by her side in the hallway, her face smothered in sympathy.

“She’ll make me go home if I tell her that and I’m getting tired of spending all day everyday in that flat.” Yaz says. 

“You need to tell her that too then.” Amy appears on her other side and Yaz suddenly gets the overwhelming feeling that she’s under interrogation. 

“What’s going on?” Yaz asks, eyes suspiciously flicking between the two of them.

“Nothing.” They both claim their innocence at the same time. 

“That... does not fill me with confidence.” 

“Jenny always likes to act braver than she’s feeling when it comes to stuff like this.” Amy mutters under her breath. “If she sees you hurt she could start behaving differently.”

“Are you telling me to distance myself from her?” Yaz asks, a little offended to say the least.

“No! No, no, no, no.” Clara waves her hand to dismiss that idea. “We’re just saying that if she does start acting strangely you don’t have to deal with it by yourself.”

“We want both of you to be happy together. You know, no more…” Amy tails off trying to find a word.

“Arguments?” Yaz completes her sentence with eyebrows as high up her face as her hairline.

“Yeah.” Clara nods. “We weren’t exactly the best help last time. We want to help now.” 

“Yaz?” Jenny’s questioning voice floats into the hallways and all three of them stand to attention to try and act natural. Jenny swoops in, hardly recognizing her two friends at all and starts to examine Yaz like she’s about to be admitted to hospital again. “Are you okay? Does it hurt again? Are you- do you need- do you want to go home?”

“I’m fine Jenny.” Yaz says calmly, gently pushing away probing hands. “Just needed more relief. Like I usually do at this time.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, she’s fine you daft cow! Come on I want to eat some cheese.” Amy slaps Jenny’s shoulder and moves off to the kitchen.

“Ugh I don’t think I can eat anymore.” Clara groans following her. 

“Yes you can, you say this every year.”

“Yeah but this time I mean it.”

“Sure.”

“I’m serious!”

“I thought you had gone vegan.”

“Shut up.”

While Amy and Clara’s bickering fades away Yaz realises what they mean by ‘help’ and it’s basically them carrying on as normal. Stuck in the flat together all the pair of them can think about is how Yaz is hurt and how Jenny can only do so much for her and it must hurt her to be so limited in her abilities and it doesn’t do either of them any good. With other people around who aren’t directly affected it brings a sense of normality again. They’re just Yaz and Jenny, not the assaulted police officer and her carer.

“Why are you smiling?” Jenny asks looking at her very confused. 

“Nothing.” Yaz shakes her head but doesn’t manage to shake off the smile.

“What did they say to you?”

“Nothing!” Yaz repeats, taking hold of Jenny’s hand. “Let’s go back in, yeah?”

“Yaz you’ll tell me if you feel sick-”

“Yes, Jenny.” Yaz tries to walk forwards but lands funny on her feet and has to be caught but Jenny. “Thank you.” Yaz looks up at her shyly. She really overestimated her ability to walk at the moment, huh.

“No problem.” Jenny kisses Yaz’s temple and suddenly, Yaz gets that overwhelming feeling that they’re going to be okay again. They just have to get through all this crap first. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the fluff central express, I've had enough of this angst shit (or have I) ((yeah I have))


	12. Chapter 12

The week between Christmas and new years is always horrible, isn’t it? You just eat leftovers, watch TV, forget what day it is and get sick and tired of the people you’re living with. Yaz knows Jenny’s always one to get miserable and short fused when she’s cooped up but Yaz can’t take her out or accompany her to the museum or aquarium. She suggests that Jenny goes anyway, but no, Jenny won’t go without her. She’s healing, yes, but the stitches are still in and it’s taking it’s time. They’ve been bickering throughout the week but unlike the last time tensions between them started to grow, Yaz calls on Amy and Clara to help and they make efforts to keep Jenny occupied- diffusing the situation straight away and not allowing them to get to the point of argument.

Yaz is supposed to be working the whole week and quite frankly she’s starting to miss it. She misses the paperwork, misses the office, misses sitting in the car waiting for instructions. She’s even starting to miss O’s odd smelling sandwiches but until the stitches are out she can’t do anything about it.

So now she’s chilling on the sofa watching the countdown to new year on TV with Jenny and the cat sat in the space between them. She’s content enough with this although their original plan for this year was to go and watch the fireworks on the street but neither of them felt like going out- which Yaz was very glad about because she didn’t want to disappoint Jenny again.

“To a better year Miss Khan.” Jenny puts on her fake business voice and extends her hand once the countdown hits zero. 

“To a better year Miss Smith.” 

Yaz shakes her hand and plays along with the act until the two of them can’t take it anymore and meet in the middle for a real new years kiss. Jenny tries to pull away after a little peck but Yaz pulls her back to kiss her again to secure their ‘business deal’. In all honesty, after that neither of them can decide which of them is supposed to pull away first and they only end up breaking away from each other when Supreme’s paw starts patting under their chins.

“He’s jealous.” Yaz laughs.

“No he’s not, he’s just mad that I’m touching you. Overprotective little shite.” Jenny grumbles.

“Oi! Stop calling him that!” Yaz drags Dave onto her lap and he chirps contently, really showing who his favourite parent is.

“He is though! Ever since you got hurt he’s with you  _ all the time _ you’re home.” Jenny complains.

“Now you sound like the jealous one.” Yaz mutters under her breath, looking up at Jenny through her eyelashes knowing she’s right. 

“I want some time with you on my own for a bit, that’s all.” Jenny tries to rest her hands on the inner side of Yaz’s thigh just above her knee but Supreme whacks it away the second she makes contact. “Ow! My point!” 

“He’s a cat, what are you going to be like with kids?” Yaz says, tickling her cat behind his ears. She pets him carelessly, not realising the heavy silence quickly choking the air out of the room closing in on her. The second she looks over at Jenny the weight of what she said hits her. “I mean, if we chose to- if we end up- I’m not saying that we- I haven’t been thinking about…”

“Right.” Jenny nods once. 

More quiet. More not knowing what to say. More of Jenny avoiding her eyes and twitching in her seat. 

“You should call mum and dad.” Jenny says at last to Yaz’s relief.

“Yeah I- '' Yaz pauses herself mid sentence. “That’s about the fourth time in a row you’ve done that.”

“Done what?” Jenny asks. 

“Referred to my parents as ‘mum and dad’ like they’re yours too.” Yaz says. She first noticed when Jenny picked her up from the hospital and it’s happened a few more times since then. It doesn’t exactly bother Yaz but it does feel off to an extent. 

“Is that bad?” Jenny flinches, reaching from the cuff of her sleeve. “I didn’t realise I was doing it the first couple of times but when you didn’t say anything I thought…” Jenny tails off into a shrug to punctuate her sentence.

“I’m flattered that you feel comfortable enough to think of my parents like that and I think I can come round to it but at the moment… I kind of just need something that’s mine. Something we don’t share.” Yaz speaks truthfully. 

“I understand.” Jenny smiles politely but the gulp she takes shows in her throat and Yaz feels sorry for her in an instant. “Bed?”

“Bed.” Yaz agrees just wanting to get out of how this room feels right now.

No exercise for a few weeks means that even though her wound is healing, Yaz still needs a hand from Jenny up from the sofa. Considering their past two topics of conversation Yaz can’t help but pick up on the undoubtable awkwardness between them.  _ Nice one Yaz _ , Yaz curses herself,  _ a great start to that ‘better year’. _

“And… there we go! All sixteen out, you can look now.” The friendly nurse announces and Yaz feels her move away from her body. Her eyes are screwed shut but Yaz turns her head to where she knows Jenny is standing, holding her hand throughout the whole process, and opens her eyes.

“I’m here.” Jenny says, squeezing her hand and nodding for reassurance. “It’s a pretty cool scar Yaz.”

Her small smile encourages Yaz to look down at her body. Jenny’s right. It’s nowhere near as bad as Yaz remembers it but obviously she hasn’t seen it at all since she accidentally did. It’s just a dark purple line across the bottom of her stomach.

“Suppose you’re right.” Yaz acknowledges that she’s looked at it.

“If you treat it right it’ll be barely noticeable in a few years. Plus, they’re out just in time for valentines day so you should be able to move better. Have a nice day out or something.” The nurse suggests. 

Jenny takes her out to dinner after the appointment.  _ ‘A good excuse to leave the flat’  _ is how Jenny puts it and Yaz can’t tell her she’s wrong. It’s refreshing walking down the street hand in hand in the dark not out of necessity because Yaz needs the support but because the both of them want to. They round the corner towards their favourite restaurant and Yaz recognises the corner store instantly. It all plays out before her very eyes all over again and she goes deadly still as she does. 

“I’m sorry Yaz, I didn’t think.” Jenny apologises, going just as stiff in the body as Yaz.

“Can’t avoid this street forever can I.” Yaz shrugs. She wants to be brave and say she’s fine and it’s not affecting her but in all honesty she feels like she could cry.

Yaz feels Jenny let go of her hand and she instinctively goes to reach for her again. She wants to hold her hand, she wants to know she’s there so badly she almost starts to panic but Jenny’s arm reappears over her shoulders pulling her body into her side to leave a kiss on her temple. Everything feels okay then.

They have a delicious meal however the pair of them eat far too much and it takes them twice as long to walk home with bloated stomachs. The first thing Yaz does when she gets back is head for the bathroom to soak herself in a proper shower. She’s wanted this for over a month now and she wishes they owned a bathtub but a shower will work just as well. Every second she’s in there she’s aware that she’s running up the water bill but her skin is so deprived of a proper soak she doesn’t care. Plus they probably saved a load of money last month with her not showering at all. When Jenny has to ask if she’s okay, Yaz decides she should probably get out.

“I wasn’t sure you’d have any skin left.” Jenny says as Yaz reappears ready for bed. 

“Everything’s still intact. I think.” Yaz climbs under the covers.- shuffling right into Jenny to force her to big spoon her. 

“Want me to check?” Jenny nuzzles her face behind Yaz’s ear and Yaz has to stop her hand from travelling too far down. 

“Not tonight Jen.” 

“Hey.” Jenny props herself up on her elbow removing the support against Yaz’s back forcing her to lay flat. “What that nurse said…” Jenny’s thumb strokes directly over Yaz’s new scar. It’s a weird sensation because Yaz knows she’s doing it, but because of the nerve damage to her skin it doesn’t feel like Jenny’s touch normally feels. How she wants it to feel. “I think we should do something for valentines.”

“Like what?” Yaz asks. Jenny shrugs.

“Just something. I could make you a nice dinner or-”

“You’ve made me dinner the whole time I was unable to move.” Yaz says. She doesn’t want Jenny doing anymore for her.

“Then we’ll get shitty microwave meals and eat them out of the packet on our laps in front of the TV with Dave trying to get to the food.”

Yaz gasps, her mouth slipping into a grin in shock. “You called him Dave.”

“It’s because I can feel him staring at me, I didn’t want to disrespect him.” Jenny says. Although Yaz remembers seeing him far away from here just seconds ago.

“Jenny he’s asleep on the back of the sofa.” 

“Oh. Then it must just be the ever present sense of doom he makes me feel.” Jenny says with a contrastingly positive attitude and smile on her face.

“You don’t hate him Jen.” Yaz works her fingers into Jenny’s hair.

“No.” Jenny shakes her head and settles her body back down behind Yaz. “But I don’t love him as much as I love you.”

For the first time in what feels like ages Yaz doesn’t dread the warm feeling flooding her bones. Jenny means everything to her, she knows that and she’s always known that ever since she was trying to convince herself they were only friends but after everything these past months have thrown at them, Yaz notices it more than ever. There’s no guilt in feeling happy in her arms which she had gotten used to however it’s been so long she can feel herself getting overwhelmed. Once that would make her push Jenny away. Now Yaz reaches behind her to slot Jenny’s head into her shoulder- Jenny kissing her cheek on the way- then takes her hand in her own, halting the stroking action over her scar for the night.

The next morning Yaz fumbles lacing up her boots thanks to nerves. She’s going to the station to update Missy and see when she can come back to work. Maybe it’s excitement that’s making her fingers slip but either way she’s struggling to tie a simple bow until Jenny’s familiar slender fingers arrive in her eyeline. 

“You nervous?” Jenny asks as she ties Yaz's laces for her.

“A little bit.” Yaz mumbles.

“Don’t be. You’ll smash it.” They stand and Jenny hands her the jacket Yaz sent her to fetch. Yaz takes it and struggles a bit less to put it on.

“I feel like I’m applying for the job all over again.” Yaz busies herself flattening her collar. She calls it busying, anyone else would say procrastinating.

“Well technically you are.”

“Not helping Jenny!” 

“Breathe.” Jenny takes hold of Yaz’s shoulders. “They said you can come back. The accident doesn’t automatically fire you. You’re seriously going to be fine. Okay?”

“Okay.” Yaz says, suddenly calmer than before.

“I’ll be at the library if you need me. Want me to drop you off?” Jenny offers.

“No. I’ll walk.” Yaz says. A brisk walk in the fresh air will clear her mind just fine.

“Alright.” Jenny kisses the corner of her mouth without warning. “See you later.”

Yaz gets to the station in good time and keenly knocks on the sargents office door wanting to get in there more than anything else. Thankfully Missy is there and ready, anticipating her arrival.

“Good morning Khan, take a seat.” Missy says. Yaz does. “Nice to see you up and about.”

“Stitches came out yesterday.” Yaz says proudly. 

“Do you want the good news or the bad news first?” Missy asks. 

The down to business attitude sets Yaz’s nerves alight again. “The- the good news. Please?” 

“Considering your stellar work and excellent references from your mentor, you’re not going to have to retake the year.” 

“I… I didn’t even realise that was an option.” Yaz sinks in her seat at the close escape. Just the word 'retake' made her heart skip several beats.

“We’d usually make you do the year again so you can get over the psychological barriers of coming back but considering you’ve already put forward an application for complementary counselling and the fact you were so close to graduating we’re only giving you three months off.”

“What do you mean three months off?” Yaz sits up so fast she almost throws herself over the desk. 

“That brings me to the bad news.”

“What?” 

“Hold your horses, I’m getting there. If you freak out your stomach might just burst open again.” Missy sighs and shuffles around some paperwork to assert that she’s the one in charge here. “We think that for you to recover physically and mentally fully you need another three months off. It’s officially six but since you’ve already been off for three-”

“Am I not even allowed to work the desk?” Yaz interrupts. 

“You’ll come in twice a week for fitness sessions with a personal trainer and then once a week for some counselling.”

“I don’t want that.” Yaz protests.

“It’s what you’re getting. Be glad it’s what you’re being offered- for free I might add.” Missy puts her back in her place with her mind swirling and her thoughts scattered.

Yaz leaves still trying to wrap her head around the terms and conditions with the picture of Jenny and some mints that were retrieved from her clothes before they went into evidence. She still has her job, which is the positive, and the branch is willing to help her but it’s not what she wants. What she wants is everything back to normal and she can’t have that.

Her legs carry her straight home without her noticing. She doesn’t want to visit Jenny at the library and bother her, no that wouldn’t be a help to either of them. Instead she lets herself in and finds the cat right away to bury her head in his sleeping stomach. Supreme bleeps at the feeling but quickly falls back to sleep realising it’s only Yaz. Yaz smiles gently thinking about how if Jenny had done this he’d be clawing at her scalp but that smile soon fades and Yaz loses herself in her own mind. She just feels so numb. Everything she’s been working towards has been put on hold because of someone else's actions and she can't do anything about it.

The only way she can tell that any time has passed is Jenny coming through the door with a worried look on her face. Yaz knows she must’ve finished all her work from today but looking at her watch she didn’t expect it to be four in the afternoon already. How did she not realise she had been still for so long? Of course Jenny asks her what happened and why she didn’t come and find her if she was this upset so Yaz tells her in every detail. Jenny’s way of making her feel better is a hug and a promise that they’ll do something romantic together tomorrow to take her mind off it.

The plan for romance however falls flat when Jenny spends all day at uni barely answering her phone and Yaz is left alone with her cat. Ryan and Clara are busy so can’t hang out. Bill’s far far away. Amy and Rory are busy too. Hell, she even asks Grace and Graham if she can pop in for a cup of tea but they’re away for the day and Yaz just feels so alone. Like her world has been turned upside down and the blood won’t stop rushing to her head.

Feeling sorry for herself in her joggers and top that hasn’t been washed for about two weeks in front of the TV Yaz is almost certain she’ll be eating alone tonight when her phone flashes. A text from Jenny, finally. 

_ I’m sorry. Come to lab 13, I’ll make it up to you.  _ It reads. 

After a second of Yaz having to force herself to change her mindset from pessimistic to optimistic, Yaz drags herself up and puts her shoes and coat on, gathering enough change for a single train ticket to campus. 

It feels illegal that she’s walking the same path she used to so many times a few years ago but now without a valid ID. That wonky path slab still hasn’t been fixed but new benches have been added to the green spaces and the sign posts have had a lick of paint. There’s something narcissistic about walking to the labs- with Yaz thinking that if she sees any ex tutors they might recognise her and stop for a chat. Obviously they won’t. And clearly they don’t because Yaz makes it all the way up the hill to lab thirteen without anyone so much as glancing in her direction. 

As for the building itself there’s only one room with some kind of light coming from it so Yaz heads straight for the door but Yaz is unprepared for what she finds. 

There are paper love hearts scattered everywhere, the counters, the floor, from the ceiling. The lighting isn’t the harsh bright lights labs usually have but instead soft and warm coming from mini light bulbs attached to circuit boards dotted around the room. In the middle of it all stands Jenny trying not to smile so smugly. The worktop behind her has two microwave meals set out on it with a bunsen burner in the middle acting like a candle. Yaz sees it more as a fire hazard but she still finds it cute.

“What the hell have you done?” Yaz asks, still smiling in shock.

“Don’t say it like that. Let me be the romantic sap you know I am.”

“I’m just a bit… surprised that’s all. I thought I was just meeting you here and there’s all these decorations-” Yaz bats a paper love heart hanging on illusion thread from the ceiling tiles away from her face so her path towards Jenny is clear. 

“Half of these were already put up by the department and then I put up the rest and cooked the food. I was already running late and I thought, why not just bring the night here instead of wasting time trying to get home in a rush. And I know you’ve been stressed about what happened at work yesterday so I thought this would be a nice surprise.”

“I’m not having sex with you on the chemical ridden table.” Yaz reaches the woman she loves more than anything and holds her by her waist. 

“I’m not going to make you have sex with me on the chemical ridden table which isn’t actually that chemically ridden because they get washed and also security are probably watching us on CCTV.” Jenny presses a button on a remote control and a familiar song starts playing through speakers set up at each corner of the room. Yaz laughs and can’t help but roll her eyes at how cheesy it all is. “I asked you to marry me to this song.”

“I know you did.” Yaz holds Jenny in the casual ballroom position Jenny held her in that day. “How could I ever forget?”

“I’m glad you said that.” Jenny says as they start to sway. 

“I wish I had given you a ring too though.” Yaz admits. It’s always bugged her but she knows one day she’ll be able to give her the proper thing.

“You don’t need to get me anything. Just be here.” Jenny abandons the dance stance and hugs Yaz tighter than she’s ever been hugged before and Yaz feels guilty for ever spending time away from her.

“I’m sorry.” Yaz pulls her head back. “I’m sorry I dragged you through… whatever the hell it was I dragged you through before I-.”

Yaz gives herself up to Jenny kissing her and ignores that this isn’t a proper answer nor did Jenny let her bring up the messy recent past. She only goes along with her, lets her press into her body like she hadn’t just told her people are probably watching on CCTV, and reciprocates every single small movement. Yaz is completely lost in the movements until her phone starts to vibrate in her front pocket.

“You bring something special?” Jenny smirks. 

“It’s Sonya.” Yaz hesitates to answer. She’s busy. It’s valentine's day evening and she knows that. But then what if she’s calling about something serious like Aliya, or mum or dad?

“Not so special then. Answer it. I don’t mind.” Jenny insists, reading Yaz’s face like a book.

Yaz answers the call bluntly wanting to get back to her night with Jenny. 

“What?” 

_ “Are you free this weekend?”  _ Sonya gets straight to her question. 

“Yeah, why?” Yaz asks, throwing Jenny as concerned look so Jenny leans her ear towards the phone to listen in. 

_ “You know how you said you and Jenny would look after Aliya sometime if I dumped her on you. _ ”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @ chibnall give me my royalties for making Sonya and Yaz have a good relationship
> 
> also: This work has nothing to do with the actresses that portray these characters on screen, this is based off of descriptions of the characters alone. The actresses are real people with real lives and families that are just doing their jobs, please remember to stay respectful.

“Nappies. Milk but we’re trying to wean her off it. Spare clothes. Pushchair. Highchair. No pacifier, we don’t believe in that. Toys. Sleepy bear. Travel bed. Aliya.” 

Sonya lists off everything she hands Jenny, piling bags into her arms until Aliya has to be passed off to Yaz. How can one small person have so much stuff for four days? 

“I’ve written down her schedule. Any questions?” 

“Many.” Jenny says. 

“We’ll be fine. I’ll text if we need anything.” 

“Actually could you ask mum. I’m going to be a bit busy.” Sonya smiles shyly. “I’m going on a date. A weekend date, actually.”

“You kept that quiet!” Yaz offloads Aliya into Jenny’s only just freed up arms so that she can hug her sister. 

“It’s new but, he’s nice.” Sonya smiles wider than Yaz has ever seen her smile before. 

“If he hurts you-”

“Ugh, I know!” Sonya throws her head back. “You’ll come intimidate him in your cop car, I’ve heard it all before.”

“I love you.” Yaz finally hugs her.

“Love you too. Twat head.” 

“This child is staring at me again.” Jenny says.

“We were having a moment Jen.” Yaz laughs, letting her sister go. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she turned to look at Jenny but she should have known it was going to be an intense staring match between an almost one year old and a twenty five year old. 

“Is she… going to be okay with this?” Sonya asks now doubting what kind of situation she’s leaving her child in.

“Give them an hour and they’ll be fine.” Yaz reassures her. Sonya makes an unsure noise that makes Yaz roll her eyes. “We’ll all be fine! You need to get back so you get enough sleep for your date.”

“Alright fine, I trust you.” Sonya gives in. “Aliya.” Aliya forfeits the staring contest a her mother calling her name. Jenny keeps staring, locked on.

“Jenny.” Yaz says.

“Huh?” Jenny snaps back into the room.

“Sonya’s leaving now.” Yaz says all while trying not to laugh.

“Are you going to behave for your aunts, yeah? Going to be good for Yaz and Jenny?” Sonya asks. Aliya obviously doesn't know what’s going on but giggles a little anyway at her mother pinching her cheek. Sonya turns to Yaz. “If she comes back suddenly having learnt the word ‘daddy’ I’ll know who to blame.”

“Oi!” 

“I don’t get it.” Jenny mumbles. 

“I’m joking.” Sonya kisses the top of Aliya’s head. “See you later sweetheart.”

“Say ‘bye bye’ to mummy.” Yaz says. 

Jenny holds Aliya’s wrist up to wave it for her. “Bye bye mummy.” Jenny whispers to encourage her. Something vaguely resembling those words get muttered from Aliya and Sonya forces herself out of the door. Yaz adds it up and this must be the longest she’s spent away from her ever.

“Come on then.” Yaz takes Aliya away from Jenny again. “Let’s find Supreme for you to play with while I make your dinner and Jenny can put all your stuff away.”

“Why do I have to move all of it?” Jenny asks.

“Because you’re the one with the practical hands.”

“Ooo err.” Jenny smirks.

Yaz rolls her eyes and groans, starting to walk away. “You’re just as bad as my sister.”

“You love it.” Jenny mutters just loud enough for Yaz to hear.

Thankfully Aliya’s so dazed about what’s going on and where she is she’s easy to handle, entertain and put to bed without fuss. She is such a good kid. Jenny’s absolutely outstanding with her that it makes so many emotions and hormones fly around Yaz’s body she’s practically gagging for Jenny’s affections. 

“Think I might go for a run tomorrow.” Yaz announces quietly, making her way over to Jenny sitting on the sofa with her nose in a book.

“Are you allowed? Physically, I mean.” Jenny asks, turning a page. 

“Dunno.” Yaz throws herself down next to Jenny, teasingly stroking her hair which she knows she hates while she’s concentrating and does it until Jenny bats her away. “Guess work will tell me next week.”

“Hm.”

The blunt and delayed reply makes Yaz question how involved Jenny is in this conversation.

“Jen are you paying attention to me?” Yaz asks, shuffling closer. 

“‘Course I am.” Jenny mumbles, her eyes not leaving the words on the pages in front of her. Annoyed, Yaz runs her hand from Jenny’s shoulder down her side and then onto the inside of Jenny’s thigh but it doesn’t have the desired effect and Jenny just uses her hand that isn’t holding her book to hold Yaz’s hand in her lap. 

“Jenny.” Yaz removes her hand- Jenny not trying to bring her back at all and instead grasping her book again.

“Let me just finish this chapter I’ll be five minutes.” 

Yaz’s neediness takes over her body making her rip the book out of Jenny’s hands, and swing her leg over Jenny’s thighs so she’s sitting in her lap. “Pay proper attention to me.” She whines; her lips attaching themselves to Jenny’s neck and her hips slowly rock without her knowing searching for a pressure she can’t find without help.

“What’s this about?” Jenny asks with her hands stroking up the back of Yaz’s thighs all the way up to the small of her back and back down again. Before Yaz even pulls her head back she can tell she’s smiling. 

“We didn’t get a chance last night what with you clearing up all those paper love hearts-”

“I didn’t want to piss off the cleaner.” Jenny shrugs.

“And you’re so good and caring with Aliya it’s becoming a bit of a turn on.” Yaz trails her lips along Jenny’s jaw knowing her final destination is intended to be her lips.

“Oh really?” Jenny’s eyebrows reach her hairline and she gives herself about twenty chins to keep their mouths from touching.

“Hmmm.” Yaz moans softly in agreement, chasing Jenny’s lips but she frustratingly still can’t reach them.

“Can I take care of you too?” Jenny sits forward and lifts Yaz slightly. 

“I hate it when you try to be smooth.” Yaz rolls her eyes but she’s smiling a stupid smile she can’t get rid of if she tries. 

“Why, because you know it works?” Yaz lets Jenny lay her down on her back and settle between her legs. When she finally gets what she wants and Jenny kisses her Yaz has to stop herself from gasping from relief. She goes through the motions of letting Jenny ‘take care’ of her, maneuvering her leg to rest on her hip and when Jenny simply unbuttons her jeans and drags her fingers up under her shirt Yaz arches helplessly into the touch. “You’re really desperate for this aren’t you?” Jenny half smirks, half truly questioning Yaz out of disbelief.

“Please don’t take the piss Jen, I-”

The two of them pause when they hear movement from the bedroom and a few childlike noises but they settle down after a few seconds.

“She’s fine.” Jenny nods to convince herself and sets to work removing Yaz’s top. Yaz helps her by lifting herself up and every cell in her body aches at the mere seconds without contact. She wants her mouth, she wants her lips she wants her tongue she wants- more crying. This time more shrill.

“Jenny-” 

“Please.” Jenny begs her breathlessly. Her hands fumbling with Yaz’s underwear so close to where she needs her- pushing on despite the crying in the background. “Please don’t make us stop.” 

“I’m sorry. I can’t leave her.” Yaz makes the adult decision and even though she struggles to push Jenny away, she does it. 

Yaz slides out from under Jenny with some strong hesitation herself but her niece is shrieking and alone in a foreign place without her mum and Yaz is the next closest thing. Every step she takes away, doing up her jean button and retrieving her top she can feel her mood slipping. However, when Jenny falls into stride beside her and not sulking face down on the sofa instead, Yaz gets a dangerous flash of what life could be like with Jenny and kids and it scares her. Because she can see it. She kind of wants it.

Yaz sleeps dreadfully that night. Poor dreams that torment her sexually frustrated body to the point where she wakes up tightly wound and forced to send her own hand down the front of her pants. Despite her best efforts it’s not the same as what the woman laying next to her can give her and has to give up after ten minutes with no success and any hopes of Jenny sorting her out in the morning are scattered when Jenny reveals she has to quickly pop into uni to retrieve her reading glasses. She stays in with Aliya, feeding her, entertaining her until Jenny gets back and Yaz has to go for a run before she loses her mind. 

Now as she jogs down her favourite running route Yaz is hoping to drive herself to exhaustion. At least it would take her mind off it. Or so she thinks. The second she steps back into her home she can feel it in the air again. She needs her, she knows she does but how to get her to agree to it. 

“You got sweaty and breathless without me?” Jenny’s arms wrap loose and low around Yaz’s waist and Yaz realises straight away she might not have to ask at all.

“Where’s Aliya?” Yaz instinctively asks. If this is happening she doesn’t want another interruption. 

“Having her nap. Out like a light. You were gone so long I was starting to get worried.”

Before Yaz can even announce her disbelief at how long she’d been out she can feel the hard phallic object sticking into her back from Jenny’s crotch.

“Is that gasp an agreement to it?” Jenny rasps into her ear and Yaz doesn’t even realise she made a noise but she must have made another one because she’s being spun around. “Please say yes because I don’t think I can wait any-”

Yaz can’t wait any longer either as that same neediness from last night resurfaces swallowing her whole. She gives in to Jenny letting her move her around like a ragdoll, shifting her around the room, sitting her in her lap in an echo of last night and making quick work of removing her clothes all without detaching contact until it’s necessary. Yaz’s body is hot already but against Jenny’s cold hands she feels like she’s burning up. She grinds over the bulge in Jenny’s trousers as she tries to even the playing field and remove everything covering Jenny’s body but she only gets as far as her braces and two tops before Jenny removes Yaz’s knickers and pulls out the familiar purple strap through the fly.

“I’ll ruin your clothes.” Yaz warns. 

“Forget about the trousers.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Would you just- please!” 

Jenny becomes frustrated with too much talk and not enough action and spits on the toy as a way of lubricating it. Yaz takes it inside herself easily and she would have been surprised if she didn’t since there’s about two days of waiting pent up down there. She doesn’t wait for the feeling to familiarize and instead holds on to Jenny’s shoulders, pushing her body up and down and up and down, head falling forward to pant hot air against Jenny parted lips while her eyes watch the magic act Jenny’s attachment is doing. Every time she takes her in fully she sees her arousal leaving a wet patch on Jenny’s clothes and the sight turns her on even more so.

“Feel good?” Jenny whispers right before running to tip of her tongue up Yaz’s neck. Yaz speeds up in response and lets a moan escape. “Is this what you were thinking about last night?” Jenny asks mischievously forcing Yaz’s eyes up from watching herself. She’s surprised to see Jenny smirking at her like she knows something she doesn’t. Then it clicks and Jenny’s smile grows wider. “What? You think I didn’t notice you fucking yourself right next to me? I could hear you Yaz. I watched you.”

The revelation slows Yaz to a near stop but Jenny’s hands are fast to keep her riding. 

“Why didn’t you say anything? Do anything?” Yaz asks. She wishes they could just pause and talk about it but Jenny’s not allowing it. Her one decision last night has come back to bite her in the arse. 

“So I could do this now.” Yaz yelps as Jenny stands holding Yaz in her arms and driving her back into the nearest wall, manipulating Yaz to lay her feet flat on the floor making her hit inside her with much more power than their previous position could give them. Yaz gives out a high pitched moan and through half closed eyelids she has to watch Jenny smile smugly and pray that the neighbours aren’t in. “Ssh, the baby’s sleeping.” 

“Don’t try it Jen.”

“You know you got hurt on sex night, right?” Jenny continues her revenge monologue as her hips start to thrust painfully slowly and rhythmically. “Terrible idea by the way, not sure why we started it but ever since I’ve been holding out, hoping you’ll come on to me, giving you the space you need to heal and then yesterday evening we almost got somewhere. When we got interrupted I thought, nah Yaz’ll wait for tomorrow, I’ve waited months she can wait a night and then I wake up to the sound of your wet fingers-”

“So _why_ didn’t you say anything?” In a weak bid to take back the reins of control Yaz brushes Jenny’s nose with her own. “I would have let you take over.” She whispers. 

“I wanted this- to show you you don’t have to be in charge all the time, I can do this, Yaz, I can be in control but you just need to _ask me_.”

Yaz is impressed as to how steady Jenny’s voice is despite how fast she can feel her heart racing. She knows Jenny. She knows going this slow while using the strap kills her. She only ever wears it when she wants to go a little unhinged and these long, slow strokes are sending both of them into a spiraling madness. 

“So control me.” Yaz says gently to urge her on. 

The next thing Yaz knows her hands are against the wall, her legs are being pulled backwards and spread apart and Jenny’s mouth is violently trailing down the back of Yaz’s thighs vigorously yet with so much tenderness. She tries to look over her shoulder to watch or maybe telepathically tell Jenny to get on with it but Jenny’s so far down she can’t see. Yaz patiently has to wait until the tip of the toy runs through wet folds and hits her clit, making her head hang low as she sighs. Jenny enters her with her finger but now she’s had a taste she needs more of what she knows is on offer. She feels Jenny’s breath against her ear as a pre warning and then feels her so simply fill her again she can’t help but groan. 

“Fucking hell…” Jenny sighs as the front of her thighs hit Yaz’s cheeks, (Yaz resenting how she insisted on keeping almost her entire body clothed), taking all of her inside. She intertwines their fingers, keeping Yaz’s palms to the wall, and begins to pump harshly. 

Once she’s got over how dirty Jenny’s tongue is getting Yaz feels like all of her valid brain cells are falling out of her mouth. She can’t think straight, she can’t figure out if her legs are going to give out soon and she doesn’t realise she’s making too much noise until Jenny’s hand is covering her mouth. But then who can blame her? Jenny’s always been stupidly good in bed- so ridiculous to the point where if she thinks about it it’s almost laughable- and now is no exception. Her stamina to give Yaz the repetitive stimulation she needs, the sounds Jenny’s making herself singing into Yaz’s ear, the impression of her stomach against her back, Yaz can sense herself racing towards climax. 

“Jenny…” Yaz helplessly sighs wanting more. Knowing Jenny can give her more if she wants.

Jenny pulls out and spins Yaz around again. She’s so lost she doesn’t really know what’s happening but the second Jenny lifts her leg up to rest on her hip and starts fucking her again- one hand holding her thigh to keep her upright, the other unclipping her trousers so that it can then start fumbling around trying to flick against Yaz’s clit as each stroke brought them both closer to the end and her mouth trying to catch and contain every moan, groan and whimper- her mind comes back to her. Now with the advantage of having her own hands free Yaz digs her nails into Jenny’s shoulder blades as an extra precaution to steady herself. It’s almost too much to handle and she fears she might get overstimulated again before she can finish but that would be forgetting Jenny’s skill and the fact she’s still so slick Jenny could probably keep rutting into her for hours. 

“Come on.” Jenny grumbles in frustration resting her forehead against Yaz’s. Yaz forces herself to open her eyes to watch her. “Come on. Come on, I know you need to. I know you need to. I know...”

“Jenny-”

“I know you Yaz. You need me. Tell me you need me.”

“I… mnph…” Yaz tries so hard to finish her sentence but it’s like there’s a piece of barbed wire constricting her whole body. 

“Say it, come on.” Jenny’s grumble turns into more of a growl and her movements fall out of sync which to Yaz only means one thing. She’s close too. 

“I need you.” 

Yaz punctuates her sentence with her head falling back against the wall and her hand grasping at the hair on Jenny's head. She always almost blacks out when Jenny makes her come like this but with Jenny’s teeth scraping and biting down on the crook of her neck it forces her to stay conscious. They ride through it together- Jenny refusing to make noise and instead channeling all her energy into what her mouth is doing and bruising Yaz’s thigh with her grip.

When they’ve calmed down and stopped being quivering messes, Yaz revels in how relaxed she now feels. Jenny was right, she did need her. Wanted her more than anything. However there’s something Jenny said right at the start that’s bothering Yaz.

“We started it because I was afraid if we didn’t we’d stop altogether again.” She says.

Jenny lifts her head away from Yaz’s shoulder; evidently still recovering a little bit from how she’s still panting softly. “What?”

“Sex night.” Yaz clarifies. She watches Jenny’s face go through the stages of understanding and absorbing that information she’s just been given and at the slightest hint of this conversation becoming emotionally charged Yaz removes the purple silicone in case she needs to make a quick escape. “I insisted on making a dedicated sex night because I didn’t want to chance losing you again.” 

Once she says her reasoning Yaz realises she’s actually quite offended that Jenny thought it was a stupid idea and never said anything and it must show on her face because Jenny instantly looks guilty.

“Yaz-”

“I need a shower, Jen.” Yaz excuses herself. 

Showered, dressed and ignoring that there could be some kind of argument on the way, Yaz procrastinates seeing Jenny again by checking in on Aliya. Supreme is napping under the cot and Yaz is so very grateful that they’re getting along well. Aliya might be her niece but Supreme is essentially her first born child and she would have put him first if there was an issue. Above supreme Aliya lays awake and considering how hungry Yaz is finding herself to be, it must be the end of her few hours nap time. She lifts her out and smiles to herself at the content noises she’s making. 

“Sleep well buddy?” Yaz asks her. Aliya does a little nod. “Shall we go and find Jenny? Yeah?” 

At the sound of Jenny’s name Aliya grins and it spikes up some jealousy in Yaz. Accepting that the fight to be favourite aunt is on she takes Aliya to follow the trail of noise that leads directly to Jenny in the kitchen.

“I saved you some.” Jenny says, pushing a plate with half a sandwich on in Yaz’s direction.

“Thank you.” Yaz smiles awkwardly and weakly. 

Her hand reaches for the food but Jenny reaches it first; making them hang at their sides with Jenny’s thumb drawing delicate circles. Jenny then leaves a kiss on her cheekbone and Yaz can’t help but smile softly and instantly forgive her. She feels her leave another on her temple, then another by her ear and then another on the corner of her jaw.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” Jenny apologies. Yaz looks her in the eye, can see she’s being genuine and decides to dismiss it as heat of the moment thing. “You don’t owe me anything.” 

Yaz nods, silenced by Jenny’s sincerity, and decides to kiss her lips as a form of forgiveness. Like normal she melts. Like normal their chins get smacked. Unlike normal they’re being smacked by a tiny human hand rather than a cat's paw. Jenny turns her attention to Aliya straight away.

“You’ve been here a day and that cat has already taught you to do that?!”

Yaz can’t help but laugh at Jenny’s devastation as she rests her head on her shoulder, nuzzling her nose into Jenny’s neck. Maybe there won’t be an argument after all. And maybe the cat’s going to turn out to be the favourite.

“Jenny.”

“You’re using that voice again.” Jenny says in a sing song way.

“Then you know you should be sleeping not working.” Yaz says. 

It’s true. Jenny’s got entirely ready for bed including tying her hair up and removing her contacts and is squinting at her laptop screen through her glasses.

“I need to do it.” Jenny insists. “I’ll be done in a bit.”

“Don’t think I didn’t notice how tight your shoulders were earlier.” 

“Yaz I was holding you up against the wall and… you know. My shoulders are obviously going to be…” Jenny tails off as Yaz starts to rub out a knot she felt in her shoulder earlier. “Alright, I admit it, I’m a bit stressed.” 

“Is that why you did the whole control thing?” Yaz whispers. 

Aliya makes some cute nonsense noises from where she’s lying in her cot that distract Jenny from answering.

“She says to stop asking me questions so I can finish this sooner.” Jenny says.

“She didn’t say that.” 

“Yeah she did.” 

“How do you know?”

“I speak baby.” Jenny says casually. Yaz smiles at the ridiculous impossibility of it until she realises that’s just Jenny’s way of avoiding a conversation and switches from massaging her shoulder to rubbing her back.

“What is it Jenny?” Yaz asks softly.

Jenny pauses before she saves her document and closes her laptop. Yaz worries for a moment that she’s going to turn away and pretend to fall asleep without another word. She even takes her glasses off and Yaz starts to quickly think up another way to draw an answer out of her. Instead she gets a question. 

“Do you miss it? Not living with the others anymore.”

“Not really.” Yaz shrugs. It was nice being with them all while it lasted and the house ran like clockwork with them all there, but living alone with Jenny is always what she really wanted. 

“Me neither.” Jenny says. She lets out a little huff that puffs her cheeks out just after. 

“So why are you saying that as if it’s a bad thing?” Yaz asks.

“I always thought I’d be a drifter. Thought I’d spend my life moving from house to house, country to country never keeping connections that last long but with you I want to settle down. We _are_ settling down. Just makes me feel funny. Was that too strong to say? You’re not saying anything.”

“I’m happy you told me Jen.” Yaz says. “So long as you’re still happy?” She doesn’t mean it to come out as a question but it does.

“I don’t ever want to be without you again so yeah. I’m happy.”

Yaz was looking forward to a good night's sleep but she should have known better to expect one. At about two in the morning Aliya’s crying wakes the both of them up with a startling jolt.

“I’ll get her.” Jenny mumbles the second her body catches up with her brain, rubbing her eyes.

“I can do it.” Yaz offers.

“No, go back to sleep.” Jenny insists, already sitting herself up. 

Yaz knows she should simply close her eyes and go back to sleep but something in her wants to keep her eyes open and watch. Jennifer Smith, the whirlwind of unpredictability, poor social cues and an unspoken past, somehow still dances so beautifully around children. It would sit better with Yaz if Aliya was a teenager since Jenny works in a school. That would make more sense to her but Aliya’s only one next month and still Jenny dances around her so beautifully. Her demeanor as she picks her up, her soothing tone of voice as she tries to hush her, the small bounce in her step as she takes Aliya out of the room. It seems to come so naturally to her in the same way Jenny’s so perfect in what she does. The sound of crying fades away to the living room and since Yaz can’t see Jenny anymore, her body forces her to go back to sleep and rest. 

She wakes up again at seven by Supreme circling her head asking for food and neither Jenny or Aliya are back in their beds but the crying has stopped. Yaz forces herself up to investigate and she isn’t prepared for what she finds. It’s only Jenny lying asleep with Aliya sleeping on her chest, her arms protectively cradling her, but Yaz’s heart skips a beat upon seeing it. 

“I can feel you watching me.” Jenny whispers while slowly blinking her eyes open. “Mornin’.”

“Did you get much sleep?” Yaz asks, kneeling down so that she isn’t speaking over and looking down on her.

“Just about. I think she’s teething.” Jenny strokes Aliya’s hair while Yaz strokes Jenny’s arm. She can tell Jenny’s thinking. She’s got that look on her face she has when she’s concentrating during exam season.

“Yaz.” Jenny whispers her name. 

“Yeah?” Yaz whispers back, preparing for whatever out of this world thought she’s come up with.

“I still don’t want kids-” 

“Jenny we don’t have to-”

“-but I wouldn’t mind fostering some with you. One day when our jobs are settled. Maybe then if there’s one kid- or two- that we just get on with maybe we could…” Jenny pauses, biting her bottom lip just like she’s biting back her words. “Anyway you don’t have to say anything now, it was just a thought.”

Yaz likes the idea. Quite a bit, actually, although she doesn’t trust her mouth to say something Jenny can’t twist into something negative so she keeps it simple. 

“We can look into it.” Yaz smiles knowing it’s not going to be as simple as Jenny’s romanticized idea she has. Jenny smiles back and with her hands unable to be used Jenny lifts her head as an invitation for a kiss. Not wanting to get punched in the chin again Yaz settles on kissing her cheek. The way Jenny stays smiling as she sighs tells Yaz she doesn’t mind.

“Yaz.” Jenny whispers again. 

“Yes Jen.” Yaz leaves a peck on the corner of Jenny’s mouth. Just for good measure.

“I think she just pooped.”

After a nappy change and breakfast Jenny and Yaz make an executive decision about what to do today. Yaz fancies taking Aliya for a walk since it’s their last full day together but Jenny wants to do something more fun. After yesterday and this morning Yaz can’t say no to her and they spend just over an hour painting and making pictures at the table. Yaz luckily had the sense to put some old rags and newspaper down on the table first so it wouldn’t get ruined by the one with a more abstract style of painting. Or Aliya. Looking after and playing with a child makes Yaz feel like a child again but before all the bullying and the struggle and it’s fun! Until Aliya gets bored. 

“Whoa! Let’s not go crawling around the floor covered in paint, we want our deposit back.” Jenny says childishly to make Aliya feel like she’s not being told off. 

“You need a bath!” Yaz tickles Aliya’s bare tummy. They let her do it in just her nappy because they didn’t want to ruin her clothes or any bibs Sonya could make them pay for. 

“But we don’t have a bath.” Jenny says.

“We have a sink.” 

Yaz lets Jenny keep Aliya occupied while she cleans out the sink and gets the water temperature right. Sitting her in ther mini bath Aliya squeals and splashes her hands in the water forcing them to hide their faces to stop it splashing in their eyes. 

“That’s it kid! Make everything in life playtime, it’s way better like that.” Jenny says.

“Are you seriously giving her life advice already?” 

“You can never start too young Yaz. Can you help me get her manageable though otherwise we’re all going to end up looking like blue man group.”

Yaz wets her thumb to wipe off a smear of blueish green paint from her forehead. “You’re already a member of blue man group.”

“If I painted my entire body blue would you still sleep with me?” Jenny asks curiously. 

“I wouldn’t be the one washing the sheets.” Yaz shrugs and smiles at her own quick wittiness. Jenny giggles quietly to herself and being the ever observant kid she is Aliya gives out a laugh that seems forced but is a replica of how she’s heard them all laugh before. 

“She’s too smart.” Jenny observes. “She’s going to run rings around your sister.”

“Good.” 

_“Is she behaving?”_

“Yeah she’s been good as gold. Bit of trouble sleeping but Jenny thinks it’s because her teeth are coming through.” Yaz answers her sister's question. Aliya’s sitting on her lap preoccupying herself with some of her toys and Jenny’s kneeling on the floor picking up the toys after Aliya throws them away. “Anyway how did your date go?”

_“Really good thanks. I’ll tell you more tomorrow.”_

“What time are you coming?” 

_“Should be there by mid morning. I’ll make sure mum doesn’t hang around so you and Jenny can get back to normal.”_

“Are you sure? It’s a long way for you to come just to pick up your kid and go back again.” 

_“Yeah, it’s fine. I just want my baby home.”_

“Want to speak to her?” Yaz offers. She puts the phone on speaker knowing what Sonya’s answer is going to be. 

“Aliya who’s this?” Yaz asks.

 _“Hiya baby!”_ Sonya lets her daughter know she’s there. 

“Mama!” Aliya says crisp and clear.

“Ah- Jesus stars!” Jenny jumps back on her bum, her hand covering her face. Yaz was so thrilled that Aliya has said a word that she didn’t notice her flinging her toy right at Jenny’s nose. 

“Jenny are you okay?” Yaz notices how full her voice is with concern. 

_“What happened?”_ Sonya asks. 

“Yeah. Doing good. Just bleeding a little bit but I’m fine.” Jenny says sitting herself back up.

“How much is a little, bit let me see.” Yaz shuffles herself to the edge of the sofa to get closer. 

_“Did she knock her in the face with excitement? That happens sometimes.”_

“Something of the sort.” Yaz says. She coaxes Jenny’s hand away from her face, practically feeling her nose throbbing as she does and sees the amount of blood. “Look, Son, I’m gonna have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 _“You two don't do things in halves do you?”_ Sonya says goodbye, laughing, and hangs up the phone. 

“Doesn’t look like your nose is broken.” Yaz says. 

“Cheers. That’s great. Wonderful.” Jenny says screwing her eyes shut. Aliya starts to cry. “Not your fault kid, don’t worry.” She says to reassure her. Weirdly, Aliya stops. 

“Maybe you really do speak baby.” Yaz mutters under her breath.

“Help me to the sink.” Jenny requests. 

Yaz places Aliya on the floor with the cat to play with and give Jenny a hand up from the floor. Jenny pinches her nose with one hand and uses the other to catch any drips of the dark red liquid. 

“I knew babies threw stuff but I didn’t expect stuff to be thrown at my face. Must be the less glamorous side of parenting- ah.” Jenny says. Yaz wets a bit of kitchen towel with cold water and hands it to her. “Thank you.”

“Does it hurt?” Yaz asks. 

“Not too bad. Just a dull ache, you know.” 

“Doesn’t sting?” 

“Nope. Considering how much I’ve been hit in the face in the past five years I’m surprised my nose hasn’t actually been broken yet.”

“Me too.” Yaz chuckles. 

Their last night with Aliya is smoother than the rest with her sleeping right through. In fact they all sleep to an extent and only just get themselves ready and presentable with all of Aliya’s belongings gathered by the time Najia and Sonya arrive. Yaz still hates that Sonya wants to hurry off, so makes an effort to invite them in for at least a cup of tea.

“Mum, two sugars.” Yaz hands her the hot mug. 

“Thanks, love.” She takes a sip and compliments how Jenny’s made it as they all gather around the sofa. “Do you two know you’ve got some stains on that wall over there.”

Najia points to the wall directly in front of them.

“I can’t see anything.” Yaz shrugs even though she can see it very very clearly. 

“No, just there. It looks like two hands and a body.” Najia says and Jenny chokes on her drink. At the same time Sonya goes to sip her tea to stop herself making a distasteful comment. 

Yaz throws Jenny a look to tell her to stay quiet while she delivers a cover story. “Oh, right, that- that’s me. Did some cool down exercises after a run and some wall sits hence-hence the… body. Shape.” Yaz drinks her drink nervously, choosing to ignore how much she fumbled through the excuse. Technically it isn’t even a lie. It did happen after a run after all.

“So you’re allowed to run now? Do exercise and stuff?” Sonya asks as a diversion from the other conversation they could be having. 

Yaz tells them everything from the past two weeks on how she’s healing and how work is going. They give her sympathy about it but she doesn’t want sympathy and thankfully Jenny jumps in with stories of what they’ve done over the weekend. She shows them the paintings and talks about the almost food fight at lunch time one day. The sleepless nights and the better ones. 

“We probably should’ve taken her for a walk or something.” Jenny says. 

“I did suggest it.” Yaz taps her arm with the back of her hand. 

“Actually you did take her to the shop that one time.” Jenny reminds her. 

“Oh yeah!” 

“See, don’t go making me look bad!” Jenny teases. 

Yaz, Jenny and Sonya laugh, Aliya doing her mock laugh, but Yaz notices Najia just sitting there, smiling at her and Jenny. 

“Mum, what are you looking at?” Yaz asks. 

“Nothing.” Najia shakes her head but she keeps smiling, unable to wipe it from her face. “I’m just glad you two are okay again.”

Yaz and Jenny, so in sync with each other like they always are, turn to look at each other. Jenny has that look on her face that means she doesn’t know if she’s allowed to feel the way she’s feeling. Yaz smiles gently, figuring out how she feels herself. One emotion tops everything else though, and that’s pure joy. Her smile widens and Yaz assumes Jenny must feel the same because she bares her teeth in a wide grin and Yaz physically feels her heart flutter. 

Jenny stays quiet for the rest of the visit until they’re helping take things down to the car and saying goodbye. But then she goes quiet again the whole walk upstairs. The second the door is shut behind them and they’re back in their flat, Jenny is rushing around and speaking again taking Yaz by total surprise. 

“Get your coat and your passport.” Jenny says, reaching for her own coat. 

“What? Why? Where are we going?” Yaz asks, very confused at the sudden need to rush around.

“Registry office.” 

“What?” Yaz shakes her head in a double take. “Jenny, I don’t under-”

“We’re getting married. Today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy half price chocolates day


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're ignoring that this isn't how the british legal system works, you can't just go and get married, there's a whole process but this is my fic and I do what I want, fuck it
> 
> (This work has nothing to do with the actresses that portray these characters on screen, this is based off of descriptions of the characters alone. The actresses are real people with real lives and families that are just doing their jobs, please remember to stay respectful)

Yasmin Khan never thought she would be filling in the legal documents to her marriage in sweats and a hoodie. Then again, this is only the legal part. No lavish ceremony, no decorations, no rings, no outfits, no personalized vows, no personal guests only volunteer legal witnesses. Even with the circumstances of it all, Jenny was insistent in making sure Yaz was okay with what’s happening. Yaz told her point blank she would marry her any time and place but Jenny insists that even after this they will still have a ceremony with all their family. Her reasoning being she can’t wait any longer without something happening- just _something_ to show the world how serious she is about her. Leaving the little courtroom hand in hand, Jenny’s other hand holding their marriage certificate and all the other copies of documents they need to keep safe, Yaz doesn't feel like it’s hit yet.

She feels like this is all some kind of sick dream her brain has made up while she sleeps and any second now she’s going to wake up and be tricked. Jenny’s hand doesn’t feel real. The pulse in her wrist doesn’t feel real. The corridor they’re walking down doesn’t feel real.

In the spur of the moment Yaz diverts their course by not so delicately pushing Jenny’s back against the wall and fiercely attaching their lips. She takes advantage of Jenny’s mouth falling open with shock and slips her tongue past her bottom lip. Even with Jenny’s hesitant reciprocation Yaz knows. 

This is real.

Satisfied, she pulls away.

“Yaz-”

“Just checking.” Yaz cradles Jenny’s face and cuts her off from asking questions.

“Checking what, that I still have a mouth?” Jenny laughs quietly, wiping her lips with the back of her hand.

“That this is real.” Yaz takes away her hands, which now she sees are shaking a little, and she tries to step back but her feet are cemented to the floor. Jenny smiles and fiddles around with the papers, settling on the one with the fanciest paper and holding it in front of her. 

“Read what this says out loud.” Jenny says. Yaz smiles in disbelief, again, and forces herself to read.

“This is to certify the legal union on Jennifer Smith and Yasmin Khan as spouses.” Yaz reads aloud. Saying it for the first time out of the room is so surreal Yaz reckons she might faint. 

“Come on.” Jenny takes Yaz’s hand again. “Let’s go home.”

“Is this roof safe?” Yaz asks. 

“Of course it is, don’t be stupid.” Jenny says, shuffling herself under the blanket Jenny brought up with her. They’ve decided to order in some food and eat it while watching the stars; like Yaz promised she would one day after she let her down on fireworks night. “People do work and maintenance up here all the time.”

“I’m sorry. I just don’t really fancy falling through the roof and dying on my wedding night.” Yaz allows her voice to drip with fake annoyance.

“Why? You have plans for tonight?” Jenny smirks. 

“Maybe a few.” Yaz smirks back, making a point to let her eyes fall to Jenny’s lips. 

“Do they involve me?” Jenny wriggles her eyebrows unattractive. Well, unattractive to anyone else but Yaz.

“If you’re lucky.” Yaz softly presses her fist against Jenny’s jaw, pretending to punch her away. She adores Jenny so much she indulges her by letting her kiss her. She lets her hand rest on her lower stomach and even lets her swing her leg over a little but the second Jenny becomes over excited she has to put an end to it. “Can we please watch the stars for a bit first?” She asks, pushing her back.

“Whatever you wish, my love.” Jenny says, getting herself comfortable again.

Yaz snorts at the phrase unusual to her ears and Jenny laughs along too. It’s a beautiful late February night and the stars are out in full force. Once in a while a few clouds float over and the light pollution from the town prevents the sky from being perfect but it’s still beautiful.

“I remember the first time we did this together.” Jenny says wistfully. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget.” Yaz says with a smile creeping onto her face.

“Yeah. It was really good sex that day wasn’t it?”

“Oi! I was talking about this being on my finger, you arse.” Yaz laughs waving her ring finger in her face. 

“Oh, right, yeah I gave you that too.” Jenny catches herself up. She takes Yaz’s hand, specifically her finger, and spins the ring around almost as if she’s admiring it quietly. “We _will_ get proper wedding rings. When we have the ceremony.” Jenny insists.

“What kind do you want?” Yaz asks. She knows Jenny must have some kind of idea because of the amount of wedding related tabs pinned on her laptop.

“I dunno. We can go shopping for them together. That would be ace.” Jenny twitches her leg a little with excitement, however she manages to calm herself down and rest Yaz’s hand back in her lap before speaking again. “But you have to promise not to throw that one at me.”

Yaz feels her smile fade slightly. A small sigh escapes from her mouth too. “You’re never going to let me forget I did that, are you?” 

Jenny shakes her head. “I think it’s a good reminder.”

“Really?” Yaz asks, genuinely surprised.

“Yeah. That we got through it.”

Yaz is so touched by Jenny’s sincerity she forgets about the stars all together and switches onto her side. She cups Jenny’s cheek with her hand, runs her thumb over Jenny’s wonky lip and presses their foreheads together. Jenny doesn’t say anything. Which will never not feel strange to Yaz since she speaks her mind all the time, day and night, but it’s nice when she’s quiet like this. Nothing is wrong, nothing is bothering her, they’re genuinely just relaxed and-

“Ow!” Yaz falls back onto her back curling up when a sharp pain in her abdomen overtakes her senses. “Ah- Jenny why does that hurt?”

“It’s alright. It’s just your nerves starting to grow back.” Jenny rushes to reassure her.

“Why does it sting so much?” Yaz resorts to screwing up her face to get through the flash of pain.

“I think I have something that can soothe it.” Jenny says.

“Like what?” Yaz asks. Her knees slowly uncurl from her stomach; the sensation having passed but she’s still curious as to what Jenny’s solution is.

Yaz watches, lost, as Jenny shuffles herself down until her head is at the same level of her stomach. She doesn’t get what Jenny’s doing until her hoodie is raised up a little and the cold night air as well as Jenny’s even colder hands hit her lower stomach. Yaz feels the thumb stroke over her scar once before Jenny’s head dips down. Hair tickles what’s left of her abs while Jenny carefully presses her lips over exactly where it stung. Yaz brushes Jenny’s hair with her fingers, stroking past her ear from time to time and in return Jenny covers every inch of damaged skin so tenderly with her mouth- her hand stroking her stomach at the same time. The stinging stopped before Jenny even touched her and Yaz thinks they both know that but let it happen anyway.

Jenny lifts her head back up to hover over Yaz. “Feel better?”

“Yeah.” Yaz nods. She feels Jenny’s body press into her and Yaz has to keep her head away by pushing on her shoulders. “Not on the roof.”

A couple of flights of stairs, one trip up from Jenny over her own feet, and a chase to get the cat out of the bedroom later, clothes are ever so slightly disappearing one by one until Yaz is sporting her birthday suit and Jenny is left in her pants. They’re too busy smiling stupidly, breaking kisses and smacking teeth too often for them to get down to business right away. They’re married. In the eye’s of the law they’re a unit. They’ve made a promise to never leave each other and it isn’t funny but just so surreal that the two of them keep laughing and falling into fits of giggles. 

“I think we should double barrel our last names.” Jenny breaks their kiss with a statement rather than a laugh this time.

“That’s what you’re thinking about right now?” Yaz mumbles over her, pushing their noses together.

“I’m thinking about changing my name on my passport. And my drivers licence, and my debit card and the bills and my insurance and my-” Jenny gasps and her body arches up into Yaz as Yaz pinches some of the skin of her neck between her teeth. “-delivery address.”

“Gotta change it from Miss to Mrs.” Yaz gently kisses the patch she just pinched and Jenny groans louder than she probably should for a simple kiss. “Does that turn you on? Changing your name to share it with me?”

“That and the sense of stability and the knowledge you’ve made a legal promise to be with me forever and you won’t abandon me? Hot.” Jenny says. She phrases it as a joke but Yaz knows her better than that to see it as that. 

“I love you.” Yaz whispers, running her fingertips up and down the center of Jenny’s torso.

Yaz’s head gets pulled towards Jenny’s face with both hands. They kiss for about thirty seconds before Yaz can feel Jenny rutting and pushing her hips against her thigh. She knows she should probably do something to relieve her a little bit but she knows for both of them this should be special. It should feel good like it means something and Yaz is determined to make it that way. 

Yaz manages to break away from Jenny’s lips to concentrate on leaving dark plum coloured marks on her collarbones and chest, enjoying how Jenny’s fingers lightly shake with anticipation as they caress the top of Yaz’s back. She feels her grip tighten when she takes a stiff nipple in her mouth, flicking it with her tongue and moving across horizontally to do the same to the other. Jenny grunts at the slightest ounce of pressure. Although she loves it, sometimes Yaz absolutely curses how vocal Jenny can be in bed because at times like this when she’s trying to stretch out foreplay it’s a struggle to keep her focus. 

Soon Yaz’s body is too far away for Jenny to hold on to. As a replacement, Yaz quickly uses her hands to peel away Jenny’s sodden underwear down her legs far enough for Jenny to kick them off, then holds Jenny’s hands as her mouth continues south. The hand holding is not only to be sweet but also to help Yaz’s body stop producing wave after wave of arousal every time Jenny so much as taps her. Her mouth reaches Jenny’s hipbone and she licks up it away from where she can smell Jenny’s need for her. Yaz releases her hands from Jenny’s hold to lay herself flat between pale legs and while she travels up blushing thighs with her mouth and her hands Yaz realises that this is it. For the rest of her life Jenny in soul and body is all she’ll have. For sex, for comfort, for laughter, for better, for worse, she is her’s. Forever. No one else's. 

And Yaz is elated by it.

She devours Jenny with no warning, directing her tongue straight onto the swollen bud in front of her making Jenny almost leap up from the bed. As a precaution Yaz lays her arm across her stomach to stop her from going anywhere but with the moans she's making Yaz might be the one ascending. To stop Jenny from finishing instantaneously Yaz dips her tongue down to her core and lathers the muscle with Jenny’s own wetness- even dipping inside to try something new. She hears Jenny gasp at the new sensation and Yaz can sense her thighs closing in on her face but Jenny stops herself and spreads them again, regaining control of her body. 

Jenny tastes so deliciously sweet and salty at the same time Yaz can’t get enough of it- of her. She almost deprives herself of oxygen to make sure she leaves none of her heat uncovered, no crease unexplored, no piece of flesh not swirled around her tongue and she hums with content when she goes back to stroking Jenny’s clit and a hand reaches down to hold her head in place. They’re both enjoying this far too much but then again, it is their wedding night. Why shouldn’t they?

“You’re so good.” Jenny sighs with the addition of hips starting to chase lips. “I’m so lucky.”

“So am I.” Yaz mumbles, moving her head away.

“Wait- what are you-”

“I want to see you.” Yaz explains her change in position and gives Jenny no time to plead her case by kissing her with an open mouth. 

Yaz slips two fingers past Jenny’s entrance and with a groan from the pair of them Yaz moves easily to stimulate her wife. She’s so hot against her fingers, hot against her mouth, hot against her stomach, hot under her touch. Yaz feels like she’s a firework ready to explode and she’s begging with herself to wait her turn. Her thumb traces over Jenny’s clit in circles, she goes to kiss her again but her jaw is already hung open and she’s climaxing around Yaz’s fingers. 

“I really love you so much.” Yaz whispers into Jenny’s ear as she rides through it. “I’m so happy. I’m so lucky we get to spend the rest of our lives together. I can’t believe you chose me.”

“Stop.” Yaz gets pushed by her shoulder onto her back. “Talking.” Jenny rasps at her.

Now with thigh on thigh, stomach on stomach, breast on breast and lips on lips Yaz doesn’t have a choice in whether she’s able to speak or not. Jenny’s compassionate nature really shows in how she’s touching her, keeping everything light but the air around them is suffocatingly hot. Yaz is just about to do or say something to hurry her up when Jenny’s head flies down again to kiss her scar. Fucking hell she loves her so much. 

“Jen-”

“I know. I’m getting there.” Jenny trails her lips down the center of Yaz’s body, lifts Yaz’s legs to rest over her shoulders although her hips are falling apart ready to receive her. The knot in her stomach winds tighter when one finger then a second slipping inside her. In addition Jenny buries her head between Yaz’s legs and Yaz grips on to the sheets with white knuckles. 

Jenny doesn’t stop, she doesn’t tease, she doesn’t falter. Fingers and mouth work in perfect harmony to make Yaz burn and gasp and moan. She knows she can’t last long with Jenny being like this- she can barely last when it’s normal. Yaz calls out Jenny’s name as she comes. She can just about feel Jenny holding on to her through everything else overwhelming her senses. When Jenny releases herself from the grasp Yaz’s thighs have on her Yaz knows this isn’t going to be the end. Her thigh ends up in between Jenny’s and Yaz has the pleasure of watching her wife rock her core against her leg, riding until her face screws up and Yaz has to help her keep moving or she would have seized up.

They make love again in the shower as well, unable to resist each other's soft supple skin. A few slips and almost falls remind them to never try this again but it’s all part of the fun. Jenny barely leaves Yaz’s side, softly kissing and stroking her but three times is certainly Yaz’s limit for tonight. In bed Yaz can’t keep her hands off Jenny and Jenny equally so with Yaz. 

“I have to be up for work in a few hours.” Yaz comments. She doesn’t feel like going to sleep and it isn’t a request for them to stop what they’re doing. She just feels like saying it.

“Bunk off.” Jenny suggests, the arm over her waist pushing Yaz into her body further. “Spend all day with me.”

“You have uni work.” Yaz says. “And I’m already on thin ice with work, I need to go to these sessions.”

“After tonight…” Jenny watches her own fingers stroke along Yaz’s collarbone. “...people are going to find out aren’t they.”

“What do you mean?” Yaz asks tipping Jenny’s chin up so she can look at her properly.

“I like it when we forget time like this. Just being together. It’s selfish of me, I know, but… and I don’t regret what we did today at all but there’s going to have to be so much explaining to everyone when we tell them we got married.”

“We don’t have to explain anything to them. You’re my wife, I’m your wife and that’s it. They’ll understand.” Yaz says and Jenny smiles gently. “Maybe don’t tell mum though, that can wait.”

“ _That_ conversation is going to be a struggle.” Jenny nervously laughs. 

“I can deal with it.” Yaz says. “Who do you think will have the best reaction?”

“Oh, Clara, definitely.” 

“Why so sure?” Yaz grins.

“We had a bet.” Jenny admits.

“You married me to win a bet?!” Yaz raises her voice and rolls on top of Jenny to pin her down so she can’t escape.

“I married you because I wanted to, it just so happens it happened at a time that results in me winning a bet.” Jenny defends herself.

“What kind of bet is it?” Yaz asks, genuine curiosity taking over.

“She bet me that we wouldn’t get married before we hit our thirties.” Jenny shrugs. “Since I’m so hesitant to ‘stay still’.”

“At least you’ve proved her wrong.” Yaz says, stroking her arms like a comforting tick.

“And fifty quid.” 

“Oh my god I love you.” 

“I know. We’re rich.” Jenny grins but then she tries to hide a yawn from Yaz.

“Go to sleep Jenny.” Yaz says sympathetically. 

“I want to stay up with you.” Jenny complains as Yaz dismounts, tucking herself up under the covers again. 

“Then I’m going to sleep too.” Yaz says, curling herself up into the fetal position. “Goodnight, wife.”

“That word still feels funny.” Jenny says, copying Yaz in her position.

“Hey Jenny.”

“What?”

“Wife.”

“Stop it!” Jenny whines at the torment and pushes Yaz’s chest. Yaz just laughs through her nose. 

“Turn around, I want to cuddle.” Yaz requests. 

Jenny does what’s asked of her and Yaz lets her arm easily drape over her stomach. Without the distraction of looking at her Yaz can feel Jenny starting to drift off so she makes an effort to stay still. She listens to her breathing evening out and feels her body melt into a sleeping puddle before she moves again. Now she’s alone and able to think, Yaz is so emotionally charged she could cry. They’ve done it. They’re married. It won’t change their day to day life but it still means something. A ceremony and party would be nice eventually but this is the part that matters- the part that _means_ something. 

Yaz kisses Jenny’s shoulder peeking out from her top, waits two seconds to make sure the action didn’t wake her up, the nuzzles her face into the back of Jenny’s head to let her sent make her fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's filler but it's good filler


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so jenny has a meltdown, have fun with that load of hurt comfort

The first therapy session with the counselor assigned to her brought up far too many things Yaz should have to think about the day after her marriage. She has to explain what happened and how she felt about it and thankfully by the time that was covered there wasn’t any time left to go into it. Yaz stays for lunch to talk to some of her co workers she’s missing plus catch up with some office gossip. Then she has to go to the training gym and meet with her physiotherapist who will also be her personal trainer to get her back in shape. He comments on how tired Yaz looks when they’re done and not wanting to say she was basically up all night having sex with her wife she lies and says she’s been having bad dreams that have been keeping her up.

She strolls home leisurely not expecting Jenny to be home, sitting at the table with paint all over her face and working on some kind of project involving wood. 

“I thought you had uni.” Yaz says, slipping her shoes off.

“Already been and gone.” Jenny says, coming over to help Yaz balance herself. 

“And you don’t have any assignments to complete?” Yaz asks. She doesn’t want this change in their status to be a distraction on the final parts of her studies. 

“Maybe one but it can wait.” Jenny says. Yaz throws her sports bag down off of her shoulder, defeated. “How did it go?”

“It was alright. Just introductory meetings, you know.” Yaz says. Before she can escape Jenny’s arms are around her waist holding her close. 

“So why do you look so miserable?” Jenny punctuates her question by kissing the tip of Yaz’s nose, drawing out a bit of a smile through the exhaustion. 

“I’m not miserable I’m just tired.” Yaz promises. 

“Would you be up for going to the pub tomorrow?” Jenny asks.

“Why? You hate the pub, it’s too much noise and when it’s busy people touch you.” 

“I know, I know. But I invited the guys. I thought it would be fun.” Jenny smiles hopefully so that Yaz will give in to her. 

“We can go.” Yaz agrees. 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind if you don’t want to, I didn’t realise you’d be this tired and if you’ve got the same tomorrow-”

“We can go.” Yaz says- avoiding that fact that she’s down about the therapy rather than tired from the physical session. Over Jenny’s shoulder, whatever she’s working on catches Yaz’s interest again. “What are you making?” She slides out of Jenny’s grip.

“It’s Aliya’s birthday in a couple of weeks, right? I’m making her a present.” Jenny takes her seat at the table slash art station again- Yaz following to stand by her side.

“What’s it about?” Yaz asks intrigued by the bright colouring and the evident fact that Jenny has added her own likeness to one of the characters.

“I’m a traveler through space and time and that’s Aliya. She’s my companion and she helps me save the blob monsters from the jelly aliens by helping them form a truce using food, cooking them a 10 course meal with varying success until we reach the biscuit course. Which reminds me, we’re running low on custard creams.” 

“I got you a packet last week!”

“And I ate them and there’s no more left, it’s how food works Yaz.” Jenny says matter of factly before changing her tone. “What do you think?”

Yaz takes a closer look at the outlines and the sheets of paper surrounding the wooden book with the whole story outlined on them and drafts of what these aliens look like. 

“Can’t I be your companion?” Yaz asks, brushing her knuckles on the under side of Jenny’s jaw, looking down at her adoringly.

“You already are in real life, don’t get greedy.” Jenny says taking Yaz’s hand away from her jaw to hold it. 

“That’s horribly romantic of you.” Yaz grins, feeling her cheeks burn hot. “Wife.” She adds teasingly.

“Still weird.” Jenny huffs. Yaz watches her start to blush red too and shuffle around papers pretending to look for something so that she can’t sit still and leave herself to think about it. Jenny sets to work again and Yaz’s eyes slowly move away from the paint and pens and pencils and down Jenny’s shirt instead. 

Jenny freezes. “Yaz, I’m going to stop wearing low cut tops if you keep staring at my boobs.”

“Sorry.” Yaz apologises; sitting herself down in the chair nearby to watch Jenny work from a more respectable angle.. Jenny leans forward over the table to pick up her outlining pencil and Yaz immediately changes her mind. “Actually no I’m not.”

“You’re lucky I’m taking it as a compliment.” Jenny mumbles, trying to hide a smile looking just as red as one of the jelly aliens she’s creating.

The next day Yaz goes off to her next session with her trainer and makes a point to say she reckons the nerves are growing back. She gets given some exercises to do at home and the rest of the session is used to solidify how far Yaz’s body can be pushed. They depart feeling like they know each other a bit better now and next week Yaz will be able to start getting her body back in shape and fit enough to get back to work.

Jenny isn’t home by the time Yaz is. She’s been out for the whole morning and she’s aware Jenny has a class at twelve and it’s one now so she might not be back for another hour or two. Yaz will have to occupy herself for a bit. She feels naughty doing it but the little wooden book Jenny’s working on is still sitting on the table and Yaz gives herself a sneak preview of how far along she’s got. It’s so sweet how she’s putting so much effort into this present. Yaz moves on to make herself a fruit smoothie and a salad. She eats. She drinks. Supreme tries to steal the tomato off her plate. Everything’s a bit mundane but then she hears Jenny’s key in the lock and her mood lifts greatly. Except Jenny’s home way earlier than she should be. 

Before Yaz can process it Jenny lets out a cry- a howl like sound full of pain and Yaz’s heart sinks. Something is very very wrong here. 

“Jenny?” Yaz shoots up out of her seat and heads for the front door. She stops in the doorway of the living room and looks out at Jenny, red in the face with her chest heaving about to lose it.

“Why. Doesn't. Anyone. Pay. Attention. Why. Can’t. They. Fucking! Listen! To me!” Jenny shouts and kicks her bag on the beat at the start of each word. Her boot falls off her foot by the end of it and Yaz watches helplessly as Jenny picks it up and throws it down the hallway. 

“Jenny.” Yaz says, trying to get through to her. It doesn’t work and with another howl of frustration Jenny picks up the key bowl and holds it above her head as if she’s about to throw that too. “Jenny!” Yaz calls out and steps forward into her path. She’s quick enough to catch the bowl and put it back down again before it can shatter into ceramic pieces. 

Jenny’s not good. Yaz has never seen her like this before. Yeah, she’s seen her breakdowns before, but there’s so much anger behind it this time. At her or at whoever it is she’s mumbling about, Yaz doesn’t quite know at the moment but it’s there. The anger only disappears when Yaz catches her eye and she can only watch asJenny goes quiet and the meltdown symptoms she knows take over. She watches as Jenny’s hands ball into fists by the side of her head, her face screws up tight, one of her fists goes to hit the side of her face but she stops herself. Jenny’s arms cross across her face and Yaz follows parallel to her as she slides her back down the wall, curling her knees up to her chest.

“It’s okay.” Yaz says gently. 

“Please don’t touch me!” Jenny’s voice is muffled into her arms. “Please don’t touch me.”

“I won’t. It’s alright. I know not to.” Yaz basically whispers. She can only guess the state of Jenny’s senses but she thinks it best to stay on the safe side. 

Yaz sits next to Jenny with her back against the wall to wait and give her the time to calm down. After a few minutes she swears she can hear Jenny sobbing but still she resists touching her and waists some more until Jenny’s ready. She feels like the blood in her arse and thighs has stopped flowing around her body by the time Jenny lifts her head up. The back of her skull thuds against the wall and Yaz doesn’t know if the force was on purpose but she lets it slide, hoping it means Jenny will open up.

She doesn’t and Yaz has to prompt her.

“Jenny…” 

“None of them will listen to me. They think I’m strange.” Jenny says, her fingers tapping a rhythm of four beats on her elbows.

“Who?” Yaz asks, probing for more much needed information.

“Group project.” Jenny says. “It’s like I’m invisible to them. I say something, they ignore it. They rephrase it and suddenly everyone hears. It’s like everything that comes out of my mouth is useless to them when I know I’m the fucking smartest one there.” Jenny’s hands speak passionately for her and almost hit Yaz in the process. It’s a good job Yaz is used to it and knows when to dodge.

“So just remind yourself of that. You’re the one who’s already grown up. You’re the one who's already got a degree. You’re the one with a  _ wife  _ and a flat and a cat. Ignore them.” Yaz reminds her.

“It’s the way they look at me.” Jenny shrugs. “Like I’m no good for anything- like they’re just putting up with me because they have to. It’s embarrassing it’s even getting to me because it’s so childish.” Jenny digs the heel of her booted foot into the floor with a small kick. 

“How much longer do you have to do this project with them?” Yaz asks. She’s adapting to a more ‘let’s see some more sense in this’ approach. 

“A week.” Jenny says.

“Then just keep your head down through the week and you’ll be fine. You don’t have to talk to them after that.”

Jenny sighs once Yaz says it and hits the back of her head against the wall again- albeit softly. Yaz can see the mess of everything running around inside Jenny’s head. She wishes she could get in there and clean it all up for her. Make things make sense and emotions more clear for her but at the same time Yaz would never change that beautiful brilliant brain for the world. She likes it how it is. Distressing meltdowns and all.

“I love you.” Jenny says out of the blue. The words still make Yaz’s heart flutter.

“And that’s why you’re going to listen to me when I say we’re not going to the pub tonight.” Yaz says using her work voice.

“But-!” 

“They can come here instead. I’m not having you somewhere loud and packed and stuffy when you’ve already had to go through this today.” Yaz puts her foot down. “They’ll understand.”

“I don’t want to tell them.” Jenny says, starting to play with her fingers on top of her knees. 

“That’s okay. I will.” Yaz offers.

“No- I mean about this. I don’t want them knowing I… threw my shoe and stuff.” Jenny hangs her head in shame at her outburst, but Yaz fully well knows these outbursts aren’t a regular occurrence and Jenny has nothing to be ashamed about.

“That’s okay too.” Yaz says with a kind smile- toning it down when she thinks it might come across as patronising. 

Supreme wanders over leisurely but for once in his life he heads for Jenny instead of Yaz. He pushes his head and then his body against her shins, circles back on himself and purrs as he sits himself down on her single socked foot. Yaz sees Jenny smile. She can see she’s pleased with herself and the fact the cat doesn’t hate her, but not so pleased that the cat’s going to know about it.

They all adapted to the plans without much question, guessing that something is or was wrong with Jenny or Yaz but not asking any questions about it. Yaz catches Clara looking over at Jenny a bit at the start, but when Yaz invites her into the kitchen to help bring out drinks Yaz hints to Jenny having had a hard day and she seems to have an understanding of what she means. Everyone has a drink, then two. Yaz stopping Jenny after her second and moving her on to the flavoured water Yaz has been drinking. 

Jenny sits next to Yaz on the floor with her legs stretched back, body leaning back, relaxed with her arms behind them both. Yaz is aware of how close Jenny is sticking to her tonight and she knows it’s probably as a ‘thank you’ for not making her go out like she would have insisted. However for Yaz it’s very distracting when Jenny rests her head on her shoulder and feels her chin move as she talks. She loves spending time like this with their friends but she silently can’t wait for them all to leave so her and Jenny can be quiet together. Or not even that, she wouldn’t mind if Jenny rambled all night just so she can listen to her talk about what she loves.

“You two are being extra touchy tonight.” Ryan observes from the sofa. 

“Yeah, you are. Is there a reason?” Amy adds on casually; tilting her head back with her mouth open to catch a snack she’s thrown up in the air.

Jenny sits herself up a little bit, her hand behind Yaz landing on the small of her back. She gets given a look that asks ‘can we tell them now’ and she has to make a quick decision before Jenny’s excitement gets ahead of them both.

“Go and get it.” Yaz gives permission. 

“Yeah?” Jenny’s smile grows. 

“Yeah.” Yaz smiles back and nods. Jenny gets up and literally runs towards their bedroom to fetch their marriage certificate. 

“I don’t want to see your new strap if that’s what’s making you so happy!” Clara shouts after her. 

“It’s nothing to do with sex. Kind of.” Yaz says. 

“What do you mean kind of?” Amy asks.

“She’s only going to have sex with me for the rest of her life.” Jenny says, returning with her hands behind her back. Yaz knows it’s their marriage certificate and Jenny’s just being dramatic but it’s still funny trying to watch the four other faces try to figure it out. “Unless she wants a threesome, Yaz do you want a threeway?”

“Not really.” Yaz says.

“Four-way?”

“No, Jen.” Yaz frowns, suddenly needing to question what Jenny’s been thinking about or whether she’s just covering all bases. 

“Hm. Orgy?”

“No!”

“I am so very lost.” Rory mutters. 

“Yep, getting a bit off track here. Anyway, we got married.” Jenny brings the certificate around to her front. Yaz has to flip it around so that it’s the right way up.

There’s a second of stunned silence before everyone begins to speak at the same time. 

“Fuck off.” Ryan says. 

“You’re lying.” Amy squints her eyes.

“Wow.” Rory sits forward in his seat.

“I’m going to need to see some proof.” Clara says. Jenny hands over the piece of paper for Clara to examine then sits herself next to Yaz again on the floor. “Hang on, this says you got married three days ago?”

“Yep.” Jenny nods. Her demeanor says confident but the way her hand takes Yaz’s, Yaz knows she’s worried about how they’re reacting.

_ “Three days!  _ And you didn’t tell anyone? _ ”  _

“Where was my invite?” Ryan asks.

“It was a bit spur of the moment.” Yaz tells him.

“You literally just went and did it, didn’t you?” Clara starts to smile and Yaz feels her body lean into Jenny’s side without conscious instruction to do so. “Jennifer Smith you sneaky devil.”

“Wasn’t just me.” Jenny shrugs, grinning so hard her words come out quieter than usual.

“So this is real? This is proper- you’re properly hitched?” Ryan asks as the sheet of posh paper gets passed around the room to pass everyone’s inspections.

Yaz looks at Jenny, still beaming, just to check with herself. “Yeah.” They say at the same time.

“Oh my god you’re married!” Ryan sings. 

He leaps up from the sofa, jumping on the pair of them squealing and kicking his legs with happiness for them. Amy joins, making a point to squeeze Jenny and ruffle her hair up. Sure enough it soon becomes a pile of bodies all cheering and celebrating for them. Under all the hugging Yaz feels Jenny squeeze her hand tight and she squeezes her hand back just as much; almost to the point where her ring dents the skin on Jenny’s finger.

“You owe me money Clara.” Jenny reminds her.

“Alright, shut up.” 

In light of the good news and having to explain that they will have a ceremony one day, the group of them stay until about one in the morning. Once Yaz’s head hits her pillow she feels herself fall into a light level of sleep but something is stopping her from drifting off completely. She can feel Jenny laying next to her but at the same time it’s like she isn’t really there. She can hear her breathing hitch sporadically so she knows she isn’t sleeping at all. Plus with the lack of movement, it worries her. 

“Jenny?” Yaz asks, rolling over to check on her. 

One of Jenny’s hands has the covers clenched in her fist, the other hovering by the side of her head. Her eyes are glazed over like her head is in a totally different realm to her body and Yaz can’t stop staring. This is new, very new. How come she’s never noticed it before? All of a sudden the grip on the covers increases, Jenny’s eyes screw shut and the ball of her hand smacks her temple. 

“Jenny are you okay?” Yaz raises her voice to break her out of this state. Jenny’s eyes snap open and the tension in her body dissipates as her eyes adjust to the room again and land on Yaz’s face hovering over her. 

“Hello.” Jenny says normally, like she wasn’t just totally spaced out. 

“Hello.” Yaz says, becoming more and more confused by the second. “What’s going on with the…?” She gestures to her hand still holding the covers and Jenny looks like she’s been caught out in a lie.

“I usually do it when you’re asleep.” Jenny says. “I was thinking about earlier. Thinking about what I wanted to say to them.”

“Why make yourself angry like that?” Yaz asks softly. She’s seen what it does to her, so why bother putting yourself through that.

“Because it helps me process it better. Otherwise it’ll just eat me up or come back another time, worse.” 

“How many times have you done this since you’ve known me?” Yaz asks out of curiosity. How many times has Yaz slept next to her not knowing she’s beating herself inside her head?

“Twenty. Maybe thirty. Did it a lot when you… when we went on a break.” Jenny can’t look her in the eye when she says it. For the first time, Yaz notices Jenny hasn’t been entirely open with her feelings towards the break. 

“What did you want to say to me then?” Yaz is nervous to ask but she lets the words come out of her mouth anyway.

“Pretty sure I said it all when you fucked it out of me.” Jenny tries to laugh it off.

“I don’t believe that.” Yaz says seriously. 

“Yaz we don’t have to talk about this now.”

“I think we do.” Yaz doesn’t miss a beat in shutting her down. Jenny’s eyes dart around fearfully, trying to find an escape route that just isn’t there.

“Do you remember when I said I love you so much it hurts?” Jenny asks. Yaz nods, a lump in her throat preventing her from speaking. This is getting intense way too fast but it’s unavoidable. “It still really fucking hurts. I was watching you lose interest in me day by day. It made me so desperate to keep you but it pushed you away further and inside my head I just- I wanted to lose my rag with you so badly- I wanted to hurt you in any possible way I could to make you realise I have feelings too but I knew that would break us completely and also I didn’t really want to do that so I just played it out in my head every night.”

“Every night?” Yaz whispers. 

“Until I got over myself.” Jenny shrugs and the lines on her face become more prominent as she tries not to start crying. “Because I couldn’t- and still can’t bear the thought of losing you forever because of something stupid I did.” 

“I ran away when I was younger…” Yaz tails off when Jenny looks at her with her eyes filling with tears. She hadn’t meant to say that at all. “...and…” Jenny was never meant to know that even though she already admitted she was homeless once and she should have told her this already. She should have let her know to help her understand her better. “And I really hate that I almost ran away from you too.” 

Yaz’s voice goes up in pitch as she finishes bringing these facts into their world and Jenny’s thumbs are quick to wipe away the teardrops rolling down Yaz’s cheeks, but when they start coming thick and fast neither of them can hold it together anymore. Yaz’s body gets pulled in tight. Jenny kisses her forehead and strokes the wisps of hair at her hairline while they hold each other. 

“It doesn’t bother me that you have breakdowns and I don’t mind that you need to do what you need to do and if you don’t want to tell me, I just want you.” Yaz sniffles into Jenny’s collarbones. 

“You have me.” Jenny whispers. She keeps whispering it until they both calm down and fall asleep, in fact. Where they both feel safe together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are we ready for najia to find out
> 
> also this is 100% the book Jenny's making https://twitter.com/GingerAnimator/status/1227674449228554241?s=20
> 
> also also I just saw the wordcount for this and it's WAY longer than I intended this fic to be HOW ARE YOU ALL STILL HERE


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: uni au will be over by the end of season 12 so I can write all the other shit I've come up with that isn't an AU
> 
> s12: *ends*
> 
> me, looking at what's left of this: W E L L

“Stop fidgeting.” Yaz nudges Jenny as they walk up towards the family flat. It’s been just over two weeks since they got married and it’s finally time to go home and tell Yaz’s parents they’re now in-laws. And to have a little celebration for their nieces first birthday. 

“Don’t tell me to stop fidgeting, of course I’m going to fidget, I’m nervous- do you see how nervous I am Yaz? I’m nervous because I married their eldest daughter two weeks ago without telling them, they weren’t even invited, I didn’t even ask for your dad’s blessing. Do Muslim’s do the whole asking for blessing thing? Oh my god are they going to discount our marriage because we didn’t do the religious part of it, Yaz is your dad going to hate me? Is your family going to be mad? Tell me the truth.” Jenny speaks at a million miles per hour.

“They’re not going to be mad Jen.” _I hope_ , she silently adds as they stand in front of the door to the flat and knock. Truth be told Yaz is bricking it. She should not have waited this long to tell them but then again this isn’t the kind of thing you can tell someone over the phone. “I’ve never seen you so nervous over my parents before.”

“I think I have a valid reason.” Jenny mutters with a little bit of sharpness to her tone of voice. 

“It’ll be fine!” Yaz continues to insist.

“It’s Yaz and Jenny.” Sonya shouts behind her as she opens the door. They were too busy trying to convince each other of their points of view they hadn’t realised their knock at the door had been answered. “Bickering like an old married couple, as per usual.” 

Yaz hears Jenny audibly gulp and Sonya looks like she heard something too but ignores it. 

“Why did they knock?” Najia shouts back.

“Forgot my key mum.” Yaz explains, pushing through the threshold and her sister. 

They do the usual things families do when they meet up. Spend about ten minutes being battered by small talk questions and hugs in the hallway, move to the kitchen so that the weary travelers can get a drink, then get battered with even more life updates. Yaz shows off her scar to her parents- watching Jenny out of the corner of her eye get distracted at the sight of her stomach even though she’s supposed to be talking to Sonya. Jenny gives a little bit of an update on how her course is going and then the inevitable question they had prepared themselves for comes up. 

“How are the wedding plans going?” Najia asks. She asks it every time she sees them, but tonight the answer strays from the usual.

“Actually… we, um…” Jenny tries to start to take control of the situation but she falters, having to take Yaz’s hand to ground herself. Yaz picks up for her. 

“Two weeks ago, when you came to pick up Aliya we decided we wanted- I mean just as something to prove how we feel for each other- about each other- we kind of just- and we’re still planning on having a get together as a kind of ceremony and stuff but-”

“Yaz are you trying to tell us you and Jenny got married?” Sonya shortens it for her.

“Yes.” Yaz says. The air between herself and her family thickens and Yaz can feel Jenny start to shake the longer the silence goes on but Yaz is stuck. Her mother's glare has paused the air in her lungs from flowing. Her sister’s jaw hangs open making her throat feel tighter than it ever has. Her father's poker face along with his arms crossed against his chest prevent her lips from moving whatsoever. Yaz’s voice is officially stuck in her throat and she can’t gather any words that could possibly explain how it happened. 

“It was my idea.” Jenny finds her voice before Yaz does. “I’m sorry if you feel hurt that we did it without telling anyone or asking but I love your daughter so much that I didn’t want to waste anymore time and…”

As Jenny rambles, Yaz watches her dad step towards Jenny with a deadpan, unreadable face until she’s silenced by his presence. Yaz squeezes Jenny’s hand to let her know she’ll stand by her whatever happens next. Although to everyone’s surprise all Hakim does is smile, and hold his hand out for Jenny to shake. Jenny takes it creating a link between them.

“I know you’ve had arguments and troubles but every couple has them. You got through it, and you make our Yaz so happy. You know what’s best for her just as we do and I trust in you to do it.” Hakim says his little speech and Jenny continues to squint at him with a blank expression.

“He means he’s happy for us.” Yaz leans into Jenny and whispers.

“Oh! Right, cool, yeah, that’s good- that’s really good.” Jenny sighs with great relief. 

“Welcome to the family. Officially.” Hakim grins and Yaz feels Jenny tense right up.

“Mum?” Yaz asks noting how quiet Najia’s being. 

Najia hesitates for a second, but soon scoops Yaz into a tight hug. “I wish you’d have said sooner.” She says quietly.

“I wanted to tell you in person.” Yaz says. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s what you wanted.” Najia pulls back with happy tears in her eyes. “Blimey. My kid’s married and my other kid has a kid of her own.” She laughs in disbelief.

“Growing up mum.” Sonya says like she has to remind her of that on a regular basis. 

Jenny’s arms appear around Yaz’s tummy and her face hides shyly in her hair. Yaz holds onto the arm around her front with one hand and tries to tip Jenny’s chin with her fingers to face everyone else but she makes a little squeak noise only Yaz can hear and buries her head further behind the back of her head. Yaz doesn’t quite understand why she’s doing it until she feels something wet and hot fall on the back of her neck. Whether it be out of relief or shock or happiness, Jenny is crying and doesn’t want anybody else to see. Yaz squeezes Jenny’s arm to tell her it’s okay and throws her parents a smile and wink to tell them it’s nothing to worry about. 

“A celebratory trip to the chip shop I think!” Hakim claps his hands together. “Although I’m sure you’ve been celebrating a lot these past two weeks.”

“Not really.” Yaz says. 

“What?” Najia looks like she’s been slapped in the face. “No, surely, you’re only at work three half days a week and Jenny’s almost done at uni?”

“Honestly mum, we’ve just kind of… existed as normal.” Yaz shrugs.

“You haven’t even planned a honeymoon?”

“We don’t have the time or money dad.” Yaz says. “We’ll have a nice holiday or something sometime.”

“Can we interview them when we have food?” Sonya chimes in, probably so that everyone can leave and Jenny won’t have to awkwardly hide her face because it is awkward and Yaz is very aware of how strange they look. “I’m so hungry.” 

Najia and Hakim take the hint and swiftly fetch wallets and coats and get out of the door. Yaz is glad they’re going together, so that they can sufficiently swallow and digest the information they’ve been given away from her and Jenny. Sonya pretends she’s going to check on Aliya to give them some space to talk- something that never would have happened a couple of years ago. 

“It’s just us.” Yaz whispers to coax Jenny around to the front of her face. Her cheeks are tear stricken and her eyes are still wet but there doesn’t seem to be anything distressing showing in her features. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” Jenny shakes her head, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

“Then what is it?” Yaz asks softly as Jenny sniffles and tries to wipe her face dry but Yaz sees that every time she comes close to saying what it is a fresh new round of tears bubble to the surface and chokes her up. Nonetheless Yaz is patient, and she waits.

“I have a family.” Jenny’s voice crack halfway through saying it and Yaz almost bursts into tears herself.

“Of course you do!” Yaz cradles Jenny’s face. Emotions are running high and Yaz can tell by how hard her heart is beating against her ribcage. She can’t even begin to comprehend how Jenny must be feeling. “Of course you do Jenny, it’s okay. It’s alright.”

She hugs Jenny tight, stroking her hair and her shoulders and her face until Jenny wants her to stop. If Sonya saw any of it she doesn’t comment or ask questions when they’re all reunited sitting in front of the TV eating chips out of the paper. An unusual occurrence in the Khan household but apparently a marriage means the rules can be bent just for tonight. 

Now that they know about what’s happened recently, Najia and Hakim seem over the moon about their daughters union. The walk to the chippy must have worked it’s magic and allowed them to think about it. Mainly that there’s nothing they can do about it so they might as well accept it but hopefully there was more to whatever conversations they had but that. Jenny is a little quieter than usual but she keeps up with the conversation well and answers and questions she’s supposed to. Yaz tries to stop her parents from asking too many, however one question in particular soon comes along that Yaz quite fancies having the answer to.

“What was it that made you decide you had to do it there and then?” Hakim asks. He says it in a rather blasé way and Jenny answers as easily as he asks it.

“That entire weekend looking after Aliya, it made me realise two very important things.” Jenny pauses to quickly flash Yaz a smile. “One, I never want to spend another day without her, including if either of us get sick. I don’t want any stupid laws keeping us apart. And two, I could see myself with her for the rest of our lives. House, dog, kids. Everything. I wanted it. I knew she wanted it too, so...” Jenny shrugs as if to say the rest is history.

“I like that you put ‘dog’ in front of ‘kids’.” Is the only response Yaz can come up with.

Jenny shuffles her feet on the floor and readjusts how she’s holding Yaz’s hand, turning her head to speak to Yaz like she’s the only person in the room. “I really do want to raise kids with you though. I’m not scared of it anymore.”

Unsure of what to say next because her feelings are so much louder than her words Yaz smiles and rests her head deep into the crook of Jenny’s neck. 

Later that night Yaz can’t sleep. Since she moved rooms Yaz has a much smaller single bed and those days of squishing up together were left behind just after uni digs. So if they’re not having sneaky, teenage-like sex, Jenny sleeps on the sofa bed while Yaz sleeps in her own room. But tonight Yaz finds herself standing in the living room looking down on Jenny laying on her stomach, her hair that she _still_ hasn’t cut falls messily over her face and her fist that’s curled up loosely by her face as a comfort. She looks like a baby. Jenny said she wanted to have babies with her. Now that she’s thought about it Yaz can’t believe it- almost like she couldn’t believe Jenny was interested in her in the first place.

Once Yaz realises if any of her family walk in she’ll look like a bit of a freak just standing out of bed staring at her wife so she gets in under the covers, unable to resist gently brushing aside some of that soft blonde hair to kiss her cheekbone.

“What took you so long?” Jenny mumbles- the kiss having stirred her. 

“I didn’t think you were waiting.” Yaz says, pulling the covers over her. 

“Admit you can’t sleep without me next to you.” Jenny shuffles herself on her front towards Yaz’s body so that she can drape her arm over her stomach lazily. 

“You already know I can’t.” 

Jenny huffs once, pleased with herself. “I hope you die before me.”

“What the f-”

“Calm down.” Jenny says, pulling Yaz even closer with a bit of a grunt. “I just want to make sure you’re never left without anyone to look after you.” 

“What about the kids?” Yaz asks as a way to provoke Jenny into speaking about her desire for a family again.

“They might turn out to be arseholes.” Jenny mutters. “But they’ll have their own lives. Maybe their own kids and wives or husbands. I’m the one you’re genuinely stuck with forever.” 

The latter end of Jenny’s sentence is shared with a yawn and Yaz decides it best to leave Jenny alone for now and let her sleep. As she guessed she would, Yaz falls asleep easily next to Jenny.

And just as easily Yaz is woken up by Sonya letting Aliya sit on her stomach and squeal with happiness that she’s here. It startles Jenny awake too, who has to take a second to familiarise herself with her location. 

“Hey kiddo.” Yaz greets her niece once she finds her voice. “Is it your birthday today?” 

“Sssh, don’t tell her that, I haven’t picked up any of the food yet.” 

“Bit disorganised.” Yaz says while using one hand to hold Aliya up and the other to wipe the sleep out of the corner of her eyes. 

“She’s not going to remember it.” Sonya shrugs, stroking her hand through her daughters growing dark black hair. “She’ll have her midday nap and then it will be her birthday.”

“Can I have a hello too?” Jenny says, having familiarized herself to where she is. 

“Say hi to auntie Jenny, Aliya.” Sonya uses what Yaz has learnt to be her ‘mum voice’.

Aliya leans forward with all her body weight so that she lands face first into Jenny’s chest, her arms to quite long enough to cuddle Jenny properly.

“Aw, hello!” Jenny shimmies Aliya further up her chest so that the baby’s little arms can cuddle around her neck. Yaz watches Jenny’s face light up with so much love and enthusiasm it makes her heart swell up against her ribcage and the fact that Jenny still has her sleepy I’ve-just-woken-up voice makes Yaz feel like she might melt and merge into the covers. “I get a cuddle then, do I? Not Yaz?”

“Are you trying to make me jealous?” Yaz holds her bottom lip between her teeth and raises an eyebrow.

“Maybe.” Jenny puts on a smug smile.

“Okay! No flirting in front of the baby. Or me. Just don’t flirt with each other the entire time you’re here.” Sonya says. “Yaz can you get her breakfast while I shower? Didn’t get the chance last night.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Yaz agrees. 

“Thank you.” Sonya says as she walks away.

“Did your sister just say thank you to you?” Jenny grumbles, rubbing her eyes awake. 

“I told you, she’s changed.” Yaz lifts herself up and out of bed taking Aliya off of Jenny once her feet hit the floor. “C’mon tiny human. Let’s leave Mrs. Grumpy Face to properly wake up.”

“I do not have a grumpy face.” Jenny groans.

“Yeah, when you wake up you do.”

Jenny and Yaz end up basically looking after Aliya all morning- with Jenny playing with Aliya’s toys more than Aliya does- and they fall back into the routine so easily. Najia and Hakim run out together to go and get the food Sonya pre-ordered and once Aliya has been set to bed for her nap Yaz busies herself in the kitchen putting up birthday banners and a couple of balloons. Just the small little touches that make you feel like a good parent even though your kid is probably never going to remember this day. She’s just stuck up the pink banner when she feels Jenny push up against her back, curling her arms around her midriff and pressing her cheek against Yaz’s cheek so she can’t escape. 

“Why do you like ambushing me like this so much?” Yaz asks- a small smile pulling at her lips. 

“You’re a hard woman to surprise. It gives me a boost when I sneak up on you successfully.” Jenny’s hands snake from her front to down the sides of thighs and around to cup her backside. “And you have a sexy bum.” 

“Says you!” Yaz reaches around to playfully slap Jenny’s behind.

“Ow! Stop it, I’m trying to compliment you.” Jenny giggles into her ear and Yaz decides that whatever Jenny wants to do right now, she’ll let her. As she thinks it, Jenny begins to neatly pepper kisses all over Yaz’s cheek.

“What’s brought this on?” Yaz asks, holding onto Jenny’s hands that have gone back to cuddling Yaz’s lower waist. 

“Your family took the news really really well. Makes me feel good.” Jenny says. Yaz can’t see her face but she can hear the smile on her lips.

“How good?” Yaz teases. 

“I think you know the answer to that.” Jenny presses her front into Yaz’s back harder than she was doing before. 

“I’m not sure I do,” Yaz begins to tease some more but the two of them are in such a good mood they both have to stop themselves from laughing. “you might need to show me.” 

Gently, Jenny spins her around by her waist and with smiles plastered on both their faces Yaz allows herself to be held and kissed the way Jenny wants to hold and kiss her. Yaz enjoys it when they’re like this- Jenny’s presence as well as her body heavy on her, her mouth moving slow but doing so much at the same time. Yaz hangs her arms over Jenny’s shoulders using her fingertips to caress the back of Jenny’s neck to make her skin come out in goosebumps underneath her touch. Jenny pushes into her further, purring into her mouth as Yaz’s back bends over the counter to accommodate her. Her cold hands find their way under her shirt, making Yaz gasp, and Jenny’s fingers soon stroke over her stomach but specifically her scar. 

“You been working out?” Jenny mumbles against her lips. Yaz laughs at her pathetic attempt at a pick up line considering she’s the one that’s been going on runs with her. Or at least she promised herself to go on every run with Yaz in case something bad happens to her. 

“Finest trainer the government can offer.” Yaz jokes. 

“Mmm.” Jenny hums, getting back to her favourite activity at that moment.

Yaz isn’t even afraid of people walking in on them anymore. That’s why when she hears Sonya walking towards the kitchen she doesn’t warn Jenny or tell her to stop. She just lets herself be swallowed by Jenny (metaphorically, not physically) until Sonya realises what she’s walking into.

“Yaz I swear our mother is- whoa, my eyes!” 

Jenny inhales at the shock of the intrusion but doesn’t falter in moving her attention to Yaz’s jaw and neck. 

“We’re not doing anything, chill out.” Yaz says. 

“Tell that to your wife.” Sonya says and Yaz can feel Jenny smiles against her skin as she rests her head in the crook of her neck. “Ugh, I shouldn’t have said that, that probably turned her on more.” 

“It did.” Jenny mutters quietly, kissing Yaz’s shoulder to distract from why her lips were actually moving. At this point Yaz does feel herself blushing and gently gives Jenny the signal to move away, which she listens to.

“What were you saying about mum?” 

“She’s left her phone at home and the birthday cake I got needs to be picked up in fifteen minutes and the bakery is on the other side of town.”

“You got a one year old cake from a bakery? What happened to ‘she won’t remember’?” Yaz asks.

“I wanted nice pictures. And it’s triple chocolate.”

“Ooo, we need that cake.” Jenny says, her interest in what she wants in that moment switching without a second thought.

“You can come with me right? Can you drive Jenny’s car?” Sonya asks.

“We can all go if you want.” Jenny says. 

“Aliya.” Yaz reminds her that there is a child sleeping that can’t be left alone. 

“And even if she was awake her carseat is in the car with mum and dad.” Sonya adds for good measure.

Before they can discuss it any further Jenny pulls the car keys out of her bag and hands them to Yaz. “I can keep an eye on her, you go.” 

“See you later.” Yaz says, punctuating her statement with a kiss on her cheek.

Yaz takes Sonya down to the garage with not much spoken between them and Yaz really should have seen it as a warning sign. The second they’re in the car and Yaz has got them on the road Sonya decides to open her mouth.

“So…”

“Oh no.” Yaz sighs.

“I have a few questions.” Sonya grins wickedly. 

“I swear to god I will crash this car.” Yaz threatens. She won’t really. She’ll just pull over and make Sonya walk to the bakery and back. 

“Did you have hot wedding night sex?”

“Sonya!” Yaz shouts at her for pushing her luck.

“That was not a no.”

Yaz taps her fingers against the steering wheel to steal herself some time to calm down. “Shut up.” She says. Maybe she should have tapped a few more times.

“Bet it was good though.” Sonya snarks. 

Yaz keeps her mouth shut. Because she knows her sister is right. 

Sonya asks questions the entire time there and back- the kind you can’t ask in front of your parents but not too intimate that it would be inappropriate to talk to your sister about. Admittedly the cake does look and smell good so Yaz doesn’t regret the trip entirely. Spending time with her sister is nicer than it used to be and she will never pass up the opportunity considering since Umbreen passed, time together seems so much more important. 

“How’s my baby?” Sonya asks Jenny, who is casually lying on the sofa watching some nature documentary on TV. 

“Oh, the baby died.” Jenny says casually. Yaz feels her heart drop. 

“What!” 

“The monitor!” Jenny shoots upright on her feet. “The baby _monitor_ died not the baby! The baby is very much alive, I did not kill the baby!” 

“Jesus christ Jenny, don’t do that!” Sonya clutches her chest and almost doubles over. 

“I didn’t mean to.” Jenny says. Yaz can see her eyes darting between the two of them in panic.

“Let me just check on her.” Sonya says jogging off to go and check on her daughter.

“I-I didn’t mean to scare her, I promise.” Jenny says. 

“I know you didn’t, don’t worry.” Yaz slowly paces towards her- trying to keep herself as relaxed as possible. Almost like she’s attending a crime scene like she does at work.

“Yaz I just told her her baby died.” Jenny sinks back to the sofa.

“But the baby isn’t dead so it’s fine.” Yaz flops down in a similar manner next to her. “So she’ll forgive you and we can laugh about it.” 

Jenny smiles. Yaz doesn’t believe it. 

“It’s fine Jenny.” Yaz repeats. 

“My stupid mouth… “Jenny mutters under her breath but Yaz can still hear the comment. 

“Your mouth is anything but stupid. Smart stuff comes out of that mouth and also stuff that makes me love you- makes everyone love you.” Yaz’s eyes make the mistake of dipping down to look at Jenny’s lips and she gets a flashback to just an hour earlier. “And it’s pretty damn talented at some things too.” 

“Don’t-”

“My point is Jen, that for every slip up that comes out of your mouth there’s a hundred other things you say that are brilliant and admirable that make up for it.” Yaz says. Jenny goes quiet to think about everything nice Yaz has just said to her. 

“Sometimes I think you forget I have a praise kink and tell me stuff like that on purpose.” Jenny says.

“No ulterior motive Jenny.” Yaz says, smiling to herself. “This time.”

“Oi!”

“Shut up, you love it.” Yaz’s small smile to herself turns into a shared grin.

“Yeah, I do.” 

Their lips barely get to touch before the sound of the front door opening and closing again force them apart.

“We’re back girls!” Najia calls. 

“Alright mum?” Yaz says back to make it known that there are people in the house.

“Yeah, we got everything. What are you two up to?”

“Nothing.” Jenny is quick to respond. “Waiting for Aliya to wake up.”

“She’s still got twenty minutes.” Hakim checks his watch as he appears. “Just enough to for you lot to help me cook this stuff.”

Twenty minutes later with a spread of party food that’s more for the adults than the kid who’s birthday it is, Sonya goes to fetch Aliya. Two minutes later a very sleepy looking Aliya arrives in her finest outfit looking very confused as to why there are four people staring and smiling at her but ever the icon she is she takes it in her stride while clinging onto her mum. The adults chill out and eat while Aliya wakes up- Jenny taking Aliya when she’s done so that Sonya can eat- and when she starts to wriggle Yaz learns that it’s tiring following a crawling baby around. Aliya can even pull herself up to stand if she’s holding onto the side of the sofa and yet Yaz still remembers the moment she was helpless and vulnerable and only just taking her first breath. 

Sonya manages to capture the explorer and sit her in her lap to give her her present; a fluffy stuffed cat toy since she’s so obsessed with Supreme, apparently. Najia and Hakim give her some new clothes ready for summer. Yaz gives her the night light that projects stars around the room which Jenny hates because it isn’t accurate at all but Yaz keeps telling her she can teach Aliya the different constellations when she’s older. And then, in Yaz’s opinion, the most heartfelt gift. 

“I know she might not really want it until she’s older but…” Jenny timidly hands over the thick square shaped present. Yaz can tell her wife is nervous by the way her hand lingers on the package as Sonya takes it away from her. Yaz lets her hand rest gently against Jenny’s lower back as Sonya tries to teach Aliya how to open wrapping paper. 

“Wow!” Sonya gasps as the front cover is revealed. As she flicks through for herself, Sonya realises how much time and effort has gone into this book. “Oh… my god, whoa. Did you make this?”

“All handmade.” Jenny nods and smiles politely.

“Seriously?”

“It’s almost like I haven’t seen her for two weeks because she just spent all her time making it.” Yaz says. 

“That’s not entirely true but, yeah. I wanted to make something special she could keep forever rather than a bit of plastic.” Jenny shrugs, playing down how much she wanted to give her something special. 

Sonya shifts Aliya into Yaz’s arms so that she can crawl across the floor and give Jenny a hug of gratitude. “Thank you.” She says. 

Jenny, who has never received a hug from Sonya before, fails to recognise that she is being hugged for a few seconds but luckily gets promoted into what’s happening by Aliya giggling at her flailing arms.

“Give it here love, let’s have a look.” Najia requests for Sonya to hand over the book and she does. 

“Do you like it giggle-pants? ‘Ey?” Jenny tickles Aliya’s sides to make her laugh even more but still Yaz knows that Jenny is distracting herself from the fact Najia is reading her work. Yaz lets Jenny take Aliya completely to entertain her. Entertain both of them, really. 

“It’s beautiful Jenny.” Najia says. 

“Well done kid.” Hakim pats Jenny on the back and Jenny stays solely focused on the child with one hand on her mustard brace and the other reaching for the chain attached to her air. 

“You good Jen?” Yaz whispers. Jenny smiles and nods but still doesn’t take her eyes off Aliya.

“Maybe you could read it to her tonight Jenny?” Sonya suggests. “Tell it to her the way you intended it to be told.”

“I’d love that.” Jenny’s voice cracks and Yaz’s hand automatically starts rubbing her back. Since Jenny herself is so locked on, Yaz takes the liberty of looking around the room. Thankfully, her parents are still inspecting Jenny’s book to notice the silence and it’s only Sonya that’s paying attention to how she’s reacting. “Can we talk about something else now please?”

As promised, after an afternoon of playing, talking (or at least attempts to talk in Aliya’s case) and Yaz feeding Aliya dinner, Jenny reads her story out loud to Aliya sitting in her lap. Yaz tries to be in the room too but with the two of them in there Aliya doesn’t seem to settle so Yaz listens through the door. Jenny is expressive enough with her hands and her face when she’s with adults but her voice… man, her voice telling this story is like nothing Yaz has ever heard from her before. Maybe Jenny should go into voice acting. Or radio. Is this what she’s like at work with the kids there? She’s aware that Jenny’s good with teens but babies, proper children she’s never had an insight on before. 

“Can you stay here, like, always?” Sonya asks when Jenny reappears having successfully put an excitable Aliya to bed with little to no protest.

“No. But we could make an effort to visit more.” Jenny says. 

“I agree.” Yaz says. “Aliya will end up growing up without us otherwise. She’ll be a teen before we know it.”

“Thought you were going to have your own kids by then.” Sonya smirks and it leaves Yaz thinking. 

That thought carries Yaz to bed with Jenny laying next to her playing some kind of quiz game on her phone. It’s no longer an idea or a wish anymore. If they take the right steps, they could be parents in a matter of years, if they want. This entire trip home has secured so many feelings for Yaz she doesn’t know how to tell Jenny how much it means to her. How settled she feels, how completely safe she feels with her. So, she takes Jenny’s phone out of her hand and rolls herself over to straddle her waist. 

“Yaz-”

“Make a family with me.” Yaz whispers against her lips. 

Yaz doesn’t give Jenny the chance to say anything more because without an ounce of hesitation she kisses her, pressing her body into her curves as she does. 

“Yaz I still haven’t grown a dick overnight.” Jenny says when Yaz is forced to come up for air. 

“I know.” Yaz breathes. Jenny’s hands are complying with the situation but her lips and legs aren’t so much. Convinced she can coerce Jenny into believing sex right now is a good idea Yaz moves her mouth to the pulse point in Jenny’s neck. It’s not hard to get her to the point where she has to cover her mouth to stop a gasp alerting everyone else in the flat to what they’re doing. 

“Then what’s this about?” Jenny asks. “Can’t we wait until we’re home? You can make me scream properly then.”

“What does it seem like?” Yaz throws the questions back at Jenny, not willing to fall for her temptations. “You’re stunning and you’ve said you want to raise kids with me and we’ve told everyone important that we’re married and-”

“We haven’t though.” Jenny says. 

In the second it takes for Jenny to say it Yaz realises what she’s doing and stops. Yes, that kind of energy had been building all day but now is evidently not the time to act on it. And at the same time suddenly everything’s a little clearer to Yaz as to why Jenny’s been so emotional all day.

“Who’s important that still doesn’t know?” Yaz asks, using her hands to stroke Jenny’s cheek instead of rummaging under her top. Jenny looks uncomfortable. It pains Yaz to see her that way and considering the moment is gone, She abandons her position on top of Jenny and lays herself down beside her. However, Jenny’s eyes still stay on the ceiling. “Tell me Jenny.”

With an exasperated sigh, Jenny gives up a name.

“River.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there is many a disclaimer for this one, 
> 
> number one this chapter has Jenny backstory and it does include discussion and opening up about the early death of a loved one. I understand that this can be a really horrible topic for people so if you want to know which bits to skip or if you just want a summary of the chapter instead please do not hesitate to message me and I'll happily do it, my links are in my profile
> 
> and number two aka the regular: This work has nothing to do with the actresses that portray these characters on screen, this is based off of descriptions of the characters alone. The actresses are real people with real lives and families that are just doing their jobs, please remember to stay respectful

“Jenny.” Yaz mutters, not knowing if the blonde has gone to sleep or not by the way her breathing has recovered to deep slow breaths. She’s given her a ride, and quite frankly she’s impressed with her recovery time.

“Hm.” Jenny responds. The vibrations from her throat and chest tickle Yaz’s cheek most pleasantly where she rests against her.

“When you go and see her-”

Jenny groans. “Please, Yaz, you’ve literally just given me four orgasms in a row, I don’t want to talk about her right now when I can still feel you between my legs. If I could feel my legs.”

Yaz huffs through her smile and continues to hypnotise herself with her index finger, drawing patterns in the valley between Jenny’s breasts. She’s circling over the dark purple mark she made there and as her gaze falls down to where Jenny’s hip bones are only just hidden by the covers, she realises she might have perhaps been… a  _ little _ possessive to say the least. It had been a long drive back home and Jenny ended up missing her seminar so Yaz decided this sudden load of free time could be put to good use. Her neck is where the best of Yaz’s work lies- probably a minimum of five marks rest there- but through her pride Yaz knows deep down her actions about her sending a visible message to River. 

Jenny is hers.

“But-”

“No Yaz.” Jenny repeats her denial monotonously. 

“Please.” Yaz lifts herself up so that she can look Jenny in the eye. “What is she to you?”

“She’s nothing compared to what you mean to me.” Jenny snaps. Yaz can tell she instantly regrets saying it like that. “Listen, I’d like to say it was just sex and nearing the end - just before you- it  _ was  _ just sex.”

Jenny pauses. Yaz strokes her fingers across Jenny’s lower stomach to prepare her for her next question.

“But before…?”

“Before, when I had just started uni, I was dealing with some stuff and on the first night I met her at the staff and student social but I didn’t realise she was staff. So I slept with her. The next day she looked me up on the system because she recognised my name and realised she knew my parents so she called me into her office. I hated that she knew them more than I had the chance to know them so I slept with her again. Ended up with an emotional connection to her that I just couldn’t shake so I’d go to her if I wanted to talk and I went to her when I wanted sex. Which then became only when I needed sex. Then I met you.”

“What was it that you were struggling with that made you go for her in the first place?” Yaz asks. She tries to make it clear with her tone that Jenny doesn’t have to answer if she doesn’t want to but Yaz hopes she might actually be able to draw out some more of Jenny’s past while they’re at it.

“I lost someone just a few days before.” Jenny says. Yaz is unsure of what her definition of ‘lost’ is.

“Who?” Yaz pulls harder on the thread she’s been given, hoping Jenny’s past will unravel before her.

For the first time, Jenny’s sigh quivers and Yaz feels she’s hit a nerve. She wants to take it back, she wants to tell Jenny she doesn’t have to share anything with her at all if she doesn’t want to.

“Her name was Rose Tyler.” Jenny says quietly.

“What happened to her?” Yaz asks. Jenny looks down at her hands as she inhales, potentially distressed. She then looks Yaz in the eye and Yaz regrets ever saying anything. Again. “Don’t answer that.”

“She died.” Jenny says. 

Yaz releases the breath she’s been holding in her lungs. “I should never have forced you to tell me anything.” 

“You have every right to ask me and you’re allowed to. It’s just hard to talk about sometimes.” Jenny says. 

“And after sex is the most convenient and easiest time?” Yaz asks. Of all the times to start talking about this, it seems strange to be now.

“We haven’t finished yet.” Jenny says. Yaz notes that somehow, Jenny’s voice has gone back to normal. It’s like their previous conversation never happened. 

“What?” Yaz frowns.

“Do the maths Yaz. I’ve had four, you’ve had just one, but you went first and I know you stay wet if you don’t finish last and end up seeing me-”

“That’s a load of bullshit.” Yaz laughs. 

“Sure?” Jenny rolls on top, using one of her knees to spread Yaz’s legs apart. 

Yaz opens her mouth to argue back but she gasps instead as two fingers enter her so easily that any defence that comes out of her mouth would’ve been futile. Jenny maintains direct eye contact with her alongside chewing her lip as Yaz feels her fingers continue to push into her until she’s knuckles deep and curling her fingertips up to make Yaz’s back arch and her arms wrap around her shoulders. Jenny pauses, forcing Yaz to keep her eyes open to read her face. 

“If you’re too upset-” Yaz starts but Jenny shakes her head before she even finishes her sentence.

“Past is the past.” 

“We can stop whenever.” Yaz insists. She can feel the muscles in her abdomen tensing with anticipation.

“Do you want me to stop?” Jenny curls her fingers even more and pulses them in a ‘come hither’ movement. She hits a spot inside Yaz that leaves her repressing a moan in her throat. “Because I never want to stop when you’re like this with me. I’ll never get bored with how you react to me. And Jesus Christ you’re hot.”

Yaz loses any fraction of control she thinks she has as Jenny’s fingers start to move to stimulate her but at the same time she moves so slow it makes Yaz want to cry. To drive her even further into insanity Jenny point blank refuses to let her kiss her but at the same time resists moving her head away, compelling Yaz to keep her eyes open to watch the smug smile grow from the corners of her mouth. Panting turns into outright moaning on every stroke in addition to Jenny’s thumb rubbing against her clit with vigor and determination. She tries not to think about how easily Jenny can pull up her defenses and switch from talking about something emotionally charged to being solely dedicated to making Yaz come because Yaz knows if she does think about it, she won’t finish at all and will end up pressuring Jenny into another conversation.

Instead Yaz focuses on how Jenny feels inside her; her fingers hitting the right spots at just the right times to make Yaz strain and squirm beneath her. So frustrated that Jenny’s still dodging any poor and uncoordinated advances Yaz makes for her mouth, Yaz digs her fingers into Jenny’s back, settling her hips into an equally timed rhythm. Jenny is for sure playing the long game- slowing when Yaz speeds up her hips and quickening her fingers when Yaz slows to maintain an average speed and Yaz wishes she could say she hates it but she would be lying. Having Jenny build her up like this will never fail to make her feel like she’s burning, except this time Jenny doesn’t let Yaz fall over the edge- she pushes her, moving fast and deep making sounds Yaz can barely hear over her own screams of pleasure. 

As Yaz shudders, rising up to hold her body against Jenny for the contact she needs, Jenny lazily attempts to chase and catch Yaz’s lips with her own, at last. Not that Yaz has any kind of functioning brain left to respond the way she wants to but it still scratches an itch. 

“Told you.” Jenny says as she lays her body down on top of Yaz. 

“You know my body better than I do.” Yaz mumbles with a smile, still riding the high of endorphins pumping through her blood. 

“Nah. I just know you.”

Yaz starts to run her hair hand through Jenny’s hair in adoration but soon pauses, having thought through what Jenny’s just said. “That’s the same thing Jen.”

“Shut up, my brains melting.”

Yaz has never been so on edge waiting for Jenny to come home from uni. Instead of letting herself wonder how the encounter with River is going, Yaz focuses on the new information she unlocked from Jenny last night and investigates some of Jenny’s pictures on their pinboard in the kitchen. She’s clocked the specific picture she’s looking for before- the first time she ever entered Jenny’s bedroom in the old house, in fact- and it doesn’t take her long to find it again hidden in the corner. 

The picture of the two blonde girls, Jenny with her arm over the others shoulders and them both smiling like it’s nobody's business at the camera. She must be Rose. She has to be. She’s very pretty, Yaz admits to herself, but there’s something about the two of them together that doesn’t quite fit. In comparison to the pictures surrounding it of Yaz with Jenny, Jenny doesn’t seem as relaxed or like they’re even in a relationship. Maybe they weren’t in a relationship at all. Yaz still doesn’t really know but it’s pretty clear Jenny cared about her nonetheless.

“Hey.” 

“Hey.” Yaz is surprised to suddenly see Jenny at her side, but she doesn’t jump or clutch her chest in shock and lets Jenny greet her with a peck on the lips anyway. “Didn’t hear you come in.” 

“Guess I’m used to having to make myself invisible today.” Jenny says. 

“Why?” 

“Too warm for a scarf.” Jenny says, pointing at her neck. Her finger then moves to the pinboard of photos as she shunts her coat off her shoulders. “Reminiscing?”

“Not quite.” Yaz shakes her head, then nods towards the picture at the top in particular. “That’s her isn’t it.”

“Yes.” Jenny admits. 

“I always wondered who she was.” 

Out of the blue, Jenny takes Yaz’s hand. “Do you want to know what happened?”

“Not if you don’t want to tell me. Or if you want to keep it private. ”  _ But I do want to understand my wife,  _ her brain says, but Yaz refuses to let the thought come out of her mouth. 

“What if I want you to know?” Jenny squeezes her hand as if to say  _ ask me ask me ask me. _

“Then I’ll listen.” Yaz says. 

Without needing a second to consider, Jenny lifts herself up on the counter with her knee and takes down the photo of her and Rose. 

“We were dating. Teenage love, you know. Anyway it was the summer before uni; Rose didn’t even get in to A-levels so she was working in a department store. She had an accident at work one day- didn’t actually tell me the details of it, it was just something to do with the mannequins falling on her or something. At this point I was friends with Amy and off the streets living with her. Whatever the accident with the mannequins was, it happened on Thursday and Rose came to stay on Friday. This photo was taken on Saturday and we left this party early because she was complaining of a headache.”

_ That explains why they look off, _ Yaz clarifies to herself while Jenny takes a moment to compose herself. 

“Sunday morning I wake up to her dead next to me because of internal bleeding.”

“Jesus Jenny.” Yaz exhales, unsure if she can bring herself to breath back in again.

“Nothing Godly about it. The work accident was clearly worse than she made it out to be but I went into shock, apparently. I don’t really remember anything other than getting out of bed and staring at it-” Jenny flinches at the term and makes a point to correct herself. “Rose’s body. When Amy asked if we wanted anything for breakfast and neither of us responded she came in and found me just standing there and… you know, so.”

Yaz doesn’t want to smother Jenny with sympathy because that isn’t how Jenny works but the hug she pulls her into does feel a bit too sickly. She doesn’t care though, because she wants to give Jenny all the love she deserves all at once. 

“You keep your past such a secret but every time I find out something new about you Jenny, I respect and admire you even more.” Yaz mutters.

“Do you see why I couldn’t deal with you getting hurt at work?”

“Jenny…” Yaz pulls back; too overwhelmed for any other words.

“Like I said last night, the past is the past.” Jenny shrugs, too casually than she should do.

“Jenny you’re talking about less than ten years ago.” 

“Still the past.” Jenny shrugs again, taking both of her hands in her own. “And you’re my present and my future so it’s fine. You know what else is in the future though? Specifically tonight.”

“What?” Yaz asks. Jenny’s natural charm is tugging a smile onto her face. 

“I invited River to dinner.”

“What!” Yaz feels her heart skip a beat and her jaw doesn’t come back up to close her mouth.

“Just a simple pizza night.” Jenny tries to downplay it.

“You invited your ex round to dinner with your wife, who was also her mentee at one point, to tell her you’re married.”

Jenny tries to charm Yaz into it with a grin that soon becomes an unsure question.“I love you?”

“Bloody hell Jenny.” Yaz shakes her head.

“It’ll be fun!”

“She knows this is just dinner right- not a kinky threeway or something?”

“No! Of course not!” Jenny is quick to deny it but the thought obviously comes to the forefront of her mind. After a couple of seconds of silent thinking and a lick of her lips, Jenny continues. “Unless-”

“Stop it!” Yaz snatches the photo of Rose and Jenny out of Jenny’s hand and pins it back up on the board where it belongs. She lands her feet back on the floor and kisses Jenny’s cheek as a thank you for opening up. And also as a preparation for the hard truth she’s about to drop on her. “You wouldn’t be able to handle two tops at the same time anyway, you’d implode.”

Yaz thought she would be more nervous waiting for River to arrive. She thought of changing her outfit but then she remembers the first time she met River; hungover and just got home from a one night stand. Instead she’s spread out on the sofa with the cat laying on her chest, Jenny sitting at the other end on her laptop writing up her dissertation on a topic Yaz isn’t even going to dare to ask about because she knows she won’t understand, and she’s trying to knock Jenny’s glasses off with her feet. Her toes can reach the arm of the frame easily but she uses her toes to try and push it away from where it rests on her ear. She manages to lift it several times before Jenny acknowledges what Yaz is doing.

“Stop it, I need to see!” Jenny giggles, fighting off Yaz’s foot.

Yaz changes tactic and moves her foot around to the front of Jenny’s face to hold it under her nose. “Smell my feet.” 

“No.”

“Jenny, smell my feet. Are my socks smelly?” Yaz persists, accidentally hitting Jenny in the nose in the process.

“Your feet are always smelly.” Jenny says, smiling to herself.

“Cheesy smelly or damp sock smelly?” Yaz asks. To her surprise Jenny holds her by her ankle and sniffs the sock on her foot without any hint of fear or grimace.

“Damp sock today.” 

Yaz laughs at how Jenny is going along with everything, but quickly she gets back to focusing on the screen in front of her. Yaz places Supreme gently on the floor so that she can sit up properly and squish herself against the student. She’s been working so hard lately, however at this point in time it’s a downfall for her because Yaz knows she’s not working to work, she’s working to distract. 

“C’mon Jenny, she’ll be here in a second.” Yaz says softly. She makes sure Jenny has saved whatever document she’s working on before she closes the lid with little protest.

“I’m nervous.” Jenny admits for the first time.

“Don’t be. If you want me to take over with anything, kick me in the shin.”

“I’m not going to hurt you!” The pacifist in Jenny protests. 

“Cough instead.” Yaz provides her with an alternative but it still isn’t enough to satisfy her. 

“But what if I actually do need to cough?” Jenny asks. 

“Cough and draw a circle on part of my body then.”

“Okay.” Jenny nods in agreement. Yaz just has time to push her glasses back up her nose before there’s a knock on the door and her own nerves rise up. “I’ll get it.” 

Jenny disappears into the hallway and Yaz, now left alone, gets a rush of adrenaline. She shouldn’t be nervous since it isn’t some kind of a scandal and there probably isn’t going to be an outburst or a horrific reaction, but she wants it to go well for Jenny. She doesn’t want her to be uncomfortable. So instead she channels that rush of adrenaline into keeping herself relaxed- a trick her therapist has been teaching her- but ultimately it fails and Jenny’s own nerves are transferred onto Yaz as she b-lines for her, River a few steps behind.

“Yaz! It’s been ages!” River greets her with a handshake like the pair of them aren’t hyper aware of Jenny buzzing with nervous energy at the sight of the two of them together. 

“Hi! Been a while hasn’t it.” Yaz smiles politely, not knowing what else to do. 

“It’s good to see-”

“I married Yaz almost three weeks ago and I panicked in your office and invited you here to tell you instead.” Jenny panic announces and as she slaps her hand over her mouth, the room goes quiet. All except from Jenny’s fake cough that anyone could see through. 

Yaz keeps her attention on River, who is slowly falling from happy to confused and decides she can’t do it. This isn’t her responsibility, this is between Jenny and River. She walks towards Jenny and sees her facing begging for some kind of help but there's nothing she can do. 

“This one’s on you Jen.” Yaz whispers as both an encouragement and an instruction. Their knuckles brush together as Yaz passes and she feels Jenny try to hold it although Yaz knows better than to let that happen otherwise she’ll never get her hands free again. “I’ll be in the kitchen.” She says to remind her she won’t be far away. 

It’s only when Yaz shuts the door behind her, secluding herself and the cat away, she breathes out a sigh of relief. Just a little bit. She can hear voices on the other side of the wall beginning to talk and that only solidifies the fact that her leaving the room was the best choice. Supreme jumps up on the counter and starts to rub his face against Yaz’s arm which reminds Yaz that in all the chaos since Jenny came home and announced their evening plan, they haven’t fed the cat. That’s probably why he’s been so cuddly for the past hour. 

“Mummy’s dumped herself in it, hasn’t she.” Yaz starts muttering to the car as she opens his packet of wet food. “And mummy’s got to sort it out herself for her own good.” Yaz says almost as a way to stop herself from listening in to what’s going on behind the door. “But we love mummy so we’re going to stand by her whatever happens.” Supreme taps Yaz’s hand with his paw, practically begging Yaz to put the food in his bowl by now, So Yaz hurries up and does it.

Without any other kind of distraction Yaz naturally gravitates to the door to try and listen in. It’s hypocritical and she knows it but currently River has a longer past with Jenny than Yaz has and it intrigues her. It would be worse if the two women were being quiet because then Yaz would start thinking irrational thoughts, imagining Jenny cheating on her or something like that. And eventually, it does go quiet. Yaz doesn’t have a chance to over analyse what that means though, since the door gets thrown open, only narrowly missing her face. 

“Nosy.” Jenny smiles and squints at her at the same time. “I’m getting drinks. You can go out now.” 

“Did it go okay?” Yaz has to ask. 

“Ask her yourself.” Jenny answers fast and her words physically push her back into the living room. 

River doesn’t notice her at first. She’s obviously older than when Yaz saw her almost three years ago but it suits her. Her hair is tied back but still as wild as ever and if she accidentally leaves it, Yaz might accidentally steal her denim jacket she’s wearing. She can see why Jenny went for her. Not only is she attractive but she also gives off an intense aura of kind nature. River finally clocks her just before Yaz’s backside hits the sofa. 

“I think she wanted to break it to you a bit better than she did.” Yaz says. 

“I wouldn’t expect Jenny to tell me any other way.” River laughs. Yaz takes it as “I knew something was up. Last time she came it was about you so I assumed it had something to do with you again. Especially as she invited me here.” 

“Wait when was the time before?” Yaz asks. 

“When you got hurt at work, I think. She came and found me saying ‘it’s happening again’ over and over. Don’t worry, nothing happened.”

“I know. I trust her.” Yaz says, ignoring how much it hurts to hear how Jenny coped that night.

“You married her.” River says.

“I did.” Yaz grins. 

Jenny appears with three glasses in her hands, two filled with wine and one for Yaz with just water, and hands them out. 

“Best decision I’ve ever made to be honest.” Yaz says as the two of them on the sofa watch Jenny attempt to drag the stand alone chair to the other side of the room. 

Jenny sits and smiles politely at the sight in front of her. “Well.” Jenny slaps her knees. “This is very surreal for me.” 

“No! No, I do not do that!” Jenny protests.

“Yes you do!” Both Yaz and River disagree with Jenny through their laughs. Drinks have been flowing, food has been eaten and if Yaz is telling the truth, her and River are ganging up a little bit on Jenny. Lightheartedly, nonetheless. 

“Come on sweetie, just admit it.” River coos. 

“You do do it Jen and we all know you do it.” 

“I’m not a sub!” Jenny shouts. Yaz knows she’s lying and is mad about being called out because her accent is as thick as ever. 

“Yes you are!” River and Yaz insist together again. 

“Do I have to put my work uniform on to remind you.” Yaz teases with a raised eyebrow.

“That’s different.” Jenny mumbles and shuffles uncomfortably. 

Yaz sighs and sits forward, making sure that her legs are spread confidently, her posture is hunched over but still with power, and her hands are being held together between her legs. 

“Is it, Mrs Smith?” Yaz uses her work voice. The kind she uses when she has to give people warnings for being drunk and disorderly. Her tone provokes Jenny’s body, the tell tale sign being her blown up pupils and the way her lips part slightly.

River snorts. “There it is! That’s the face!” 

“You’re both really mean.” Jenny pouts. 

“Aw, come on Jen.” Yaz gets up and tries to squish herself in the tiny gap between Jenny and the armrest. It doesn’t quite work, so instead Yaz swings her legs sideways over Jenny’s lap with her arms over her shoulders. “You know I love you.” 

“Hm.” Jenny grumbles disapprovingly but her arms still make their way around Yaz’s waist- one hand resting directly atop her scar so she can stroke over her shirt.

“We’re only joking around Jenny. Just because we both know what you’re like.” River says. “Not many people are brave enough to have their ex and their wife in the same room.” 

“Comparing notes.” Jenny mutters. 

“They’re good notes-” Yaz says, playing with her hair on the back of Jenny’s head. “very good.” 

“Do you wish you had just told me in my office now? Avoid all of this.” River asks.

“Nah. I think this is cool. I like having both of you here together.” Jenny throws a smile at each of them. “Even if you both have intimate knowledge about me.”

“Yaz more than me now.” River says before swigging back the last drop of her drink. “Anyway, I should get going.”

“What? It’s only half ten.” Jenny says. They were all getting on so well and having fun- they even played an overly competitive board game at one point- River excusing herself seems so out of the blue. 

“That storm’s coming in tonight and I’d rather not be caught up in it.” River explains the reason for her early departure.

“Storm?” Jenny says. Yaz can feel her tense up underneath her. She likes to have forewarning over things that can keep her up at night. 

“Turn your telly on once in a while Jenny. They’ve been reporting this one coming in for a week now.” River says. The way she says it makes it evident to Yaz that she doesn’t know about Jenny’s issues with thunder. 

“Why didn't you tell me?” Jenny says as River goes to retrieve her coat.

“I didn’t know either, Jen.” Yaz says. “I’ll be right next to you, I promise.” She adds in a whisper. 

“Are you going to see me out Jenny?”

“Right! Yes! Manners- manners and etiquette.” Jenny leaps up, moving Yaz’s legs to go under them like she’s dodging a barrier at a carpark. Yaz sits there bewildered for a moment before joining her, because why on  _ Earth _ didn’t Jenny just swing her legs to the side. But it’s Jenny, so she goes along with it. 

They say goodbye pleasantly, Jenny offering to walk river down to the very front door of the building but she refuses, and after Jenny has an air around her that sings of relief. 

“Are you really mad about us talking about… you know?” Yaz has to ask. She won’t be able to let herself sleep if she thinks Jenny’s upset.

“No, it’s fine. Honestly.” Jenny wraps her arms around Yaz’s waist again, pulling her in close. “I’m aware I’d let you do anything to me.” 

“Are you happy she knows now?” Yaz asks, letting her own hands rest on Jenny’s biceps. 

“It went better than I thought. So yeah.” Jenny grins.

“You look really pretty tonight.” Yaz says without planning it. Her thoughts are right though. Jenny is so beautiful when she’s happy.

“Okay.” Jenny nods once. “Why’d you say that?”

“Dunno. You just… do.” Yaz is unable to do anything but smile stupidly at the woman holding her. 

“Shall we go to bed? By that I mean wanna have sex?” Jenny suggests.

“Was last night not enough?” Yaz laughs, unsure if she’ll be able to do all that all over again right now.

“Yes but you used that voice on me to prove a point.”

“Unbelievable.” Yaz rolls her eyes, still unable to wipe the smile from her face.

“I’m taking that as a yes.” 

“Jenny!” Yaz squeals her name as Jenny throws her over her shoulder and carries her away to their bedroom.

Yaz could have guessed that Jenny was still worn out so after one round of passion and a shower Jenny falls asleep so easily next to her. But Yaz can’t sleep. She’s too busy keeping herself awake, unable to take her eyes off of a sleeping Jenny and thinking about everything she’s revealed she’s gone through. She’s so beautiful. So sweet. So complex with a history that could fill a book at only twenty-five. She has years left to write even more of her own history. If she’s lucky. Rose Tyler wasn’t lucky. One day Yaz might wake up with Jenny dead next to her, but hopefully she will be old and frail and they would have spent a lifetime filled with love together. Yaz then goes back to the start of the thought process and wonders how Jenny coped. She knows how she coped after- seeking out River and establishing a different kind of relationship with her- but she means the immediate days after. The police would have had to investigate. Ambulances would have had to be called and then a funeral director. Jenny would have had to tell Rose’s parents. It just makes Yaz want to protect and make Jenny’s life from here on out as easy as it can be. Give her the easy ride she deserves but knowing Jenny, she wouldn’t want it too easy.

Jenny moves in her sleep, rolling onto her front, her tied back hair poking up in the air and her hand lightly curled up on the pillow next to her too. Yaz can feel her heart melting and her body sink into the mattress. She loves her so much, she can’t even comprehend her own emotions some days. Yaz will never get bored with what Jenny comes out with or how she’s going to age or how her dress sense is developing or how she’ll pick up more ticks. She just loves her with her whole heart. Plain and simple. And she’ll never forgive herself for almost leaving.

All the while Yaz is staring at her sleeping wife the storm outside rages on and she’s only reminded of it when a strong gust of wind forces Jenny into a lighter state of sleep. She groans a little and her hand flinches thinking the noise is thunder, but Yaz is quick to lay her hand on the pillow so that when Jenny’s comes back down, she can loosely intertwine their fingers and hold her. An even stronger gust of wind accompanied by a dark roll of actual thunder hits the flat and Yaz feels Jenny’s body go harsh and sharp. She’s quick to react, shuffling her body closer and tightening her grip on her hand to let her know she’s there like she promised she would be.

“It’s okay.” Yaz whispers directly into Jenny’s ear. 

And for the first time in years the thunder doesn’t wake Jennifer Smith. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've realised I've gone back to being really bad at replying to comments sldfskjdhfkj let me try again


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jenny gets sad again for a hot minute but then again what's new
> 
> Also we're ignoring the sentence near the end that I deadass forgot to finish omg

“Aaah! Blimey.” Yaz grits her teeth as her leg gets twisted to the left as her back stays flat on the ground.

“Can you feel the muscles stretching?” Her physiotherapist asks. After a few weeks with the one they gave her at first she decided it wasn’t working out with him and they gave her a new one. Jack, his name is, and after the month and a bit she’s had with him she’s got used to the American accent and his flamboyant nature and quite frankly she prefers him. She’s glad she requested a switch. 

“You can say that again.” Yaz grumbles- Jack's weight still pushing on stretching her thigh and her abs. 

“It’s a good stretch for the bottom of your torso. You can do this at home with your wife supporting if you like.” He suggests with a raised eyebrow. “How is she anyway? Still in the honeymoon period?”

“Very much so.” Yaz smiles. “Are you going to try and stretch me some other way and you’re getting me talking as a distraction?”

“Nope.” Jack says. “Just my natural intrigue in your well-being.”

“It still doesn’t feel like it’s hit for me. I think Jenny’s had it in her head that we’ve been married for years.”

“She must really love you. I’d like to meet her.” Jack grins.

“You don’t want to go anywhere near her.” Yaz scoffs. Jack stares at her with an added concern. “She’s not too keen on what happened to me and she’ll associate you with it.” 

“Yeah but she’ll like me, right? Who doesn’t like me?” Jack says, right as he shifts his weight and Yaz’s leg in a different direction to stretch the back of her thigh, resulting in Yaz’s knee coming up to her chest.

“Ow! Me! When you do that!”

“Sorry. Should’ve warned you.” Jack apologises.

“Jack, when are they going to let me go back to work?” Yaz asks. It’s been playing on her mind recently, not only because of her and Jenny’s current financial troubles but also because she’s getting so bored at home. Even her mum has told her to stop calling every day to see Aliya, because the same things just get repeated day after day.

“Not sure kiddo. Physically you’re alright but I think they’re more concerned for where your head’s at. There’s no rush to get back anyway, they gave you three months.”

“I’ve almost done the three months.” Yaz huffs. “Jenny’s graduation’s coming up and we’ve always talked about the two of us graduating in our fields around the same time. Now I’ve just been set back. Plus the sick pay only just covers costs and Jenny’s working so hard anyway I don’t want to strain her.”

“Can I give you some friendly advice?” Jack asks. Yaz knows he’s going to say it anyway. “Don’t mention any of that stuff to your therapist in the context of you wanting to hurry up and go back to work. They’ll think you’re not taking it seriously.” 

“Are you going to tell them I said that?” Yaz tenses up as she asks, knowing that Jack has the power to extend her time off.

“Not my department sweetheart.” Jack shrugs, releasing her leg.

“Do you promise?” Yaz feels the need to make him confirm his lips are sealed.

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” Jack draws a cross over his chest. “Now come on, let me do the other leg.”

Yaz walks home with her sports bag on her shoulder, the spring sun beating down on her body that feels like it’s just been put on a spin cycle in the washing machine and a sense that things, at least for herself, are improving. She can tell Jack is better than the bloke she had before because her body actually feels like it’s had something done to it after each session. She can’t wait to get home and tell Jenny that Jack says she is physically ready to get back to work. It might make her stress less about taking up so many extra shifts at the school. However, when she actually gets home she isn’t actually expecting Jenny to be home yet, alas here she is walking towards her with only her pants and comfort hoodie on- hood up and all- when she’s supposed to be at uni working in the labs.

“Alright Jen?” Yaz asks as soon as she senses that Jenny is approaching her and not going somewhere else.

“Yeah. Came home early.” Jenny says normally and Yaz makes the mistake of treating her like everything is normal, despite the warning signs in how she is dressed.

“Want to go suit shopping later?” Yaz suggests, her good mood still blinding her to how Jenny is slightly hunching over. “Either for grad or for our ceremony it’s up to you but I have some free time if you wanted to go and you need to get-”

“Would you stop nagging me about the suit!” Jenny snaps. Yaz takes a step back, hurt by Jenny’s tone with her. She barely ever shouts and it throws Yaz back every time. Jenny quickly realises what she’s done and sighs, slumping and rubbing her forehead. “Sorry, sorry my head’s banging and I don’t feel very well. I don’t want to push you away.” 

“How bad is it?” Yaz asks, abandoning her hurt and confusion in the corner and bringing herself into the new world. If Jenny’s admitting she’s ill then she really must be feeling rough.

“The lights are hurting my eyes and I feel really tense.” Jenny says, unable to look at Yaz since she’s intent on keeping her eyes shut.

“Do you feel nauseous?” Yaz places the back of her hand on Jenny’s forehead to check her temperature. She’s not burning up but it is like her skin is vibrating she’s so tense.

“No.” Jenny shakes her head although they’re only tiny movements left and right.

“It’s probably more a tension headache than a migraine. Have a shower.” Yaz decides for her.

“Already tried but we don’t have any hot water.” Jenny says. 

Yaz sighs not quite knowing what else to suggest. She knows they’re tight on money but she didn’t know they were this skint yet. “You’ve been working too hard.” Is the only thing Yaz can come up with.

“I know.” Jenny mumbles. It barely comes out as proper words thanks to her jaw being locked closed. 

“What do you need, Jenny?” Yaz whispers. She doesn’t know why she’s whispering. Maybe because she doesn’t want to make her headache any worse.

“Nap.” Jenny says. Yaz can hear her teeth chattering.

“Get into bed then.” Yaz insists. 

“And a cuddle.” Jenny is quick to add on. It makes Yaz smile that even though she’s obviously not well, Jenny is still trying to be just as cheeky.

“Let me get some lunch first. I’ll be there in a minute.” Yaz promises, sealing her deal with a little kiss on her temple. 

She then watches Jenny take herself to bed, adjusting her hood over her head again as she shuffles away. Yaz sets to making herself a quick sandwich although they don’t have any bread and before she even finds that out she’s boiling the kettle to make Jenny a hot water bottle, because Jenny is the priority over feeding herself, apparently. If they had a bathtub she’d boil water like they were living in the nineteen hundreds and make sure it was the right temperature for Jenny to soak her body in. But they don’t, and all they have is a shower that won’t produce any hot water. Yaz’s mind moves her body towards the cupboard the boiler meter is hidden in and before she knows it her hand is topping it up with money so that they’ve got hot water. They need it anyway, even if Jenny wasn’t ill, she wants to shower too. After she’s done it though, she’s left with no cash in her wallet to go and get some bread. Unsure of what’s in their bank account, Yaz logs onto the app. Collectively, they have negative £6.73 to their name. Jenny will be mad at her for doing it but Yaz takes the initiative to transfer some money from their savings account. They’ve saved up at least a grand for their wedding celebration.

The kettle boils and while some of their saved up money gets transferred over Yaz fills the hot water bottle they store under the sink. 

“I’m just going to pop out. I’ll be back really soon.” Yaz says as she tucks the fluffy water bottle inside the cocoon Jenny has made for herself out of the bedsheets. 

“Do you promise?” Jenny mumbles. 

“I promise.” Yaz says. She strokes some of Jenny’s hair out of her face and at the same time, a ball of black, white and ginger hair jumps up onto the bed. Supreme goes straight to Jenny’s forehead, nudging her until her hood falls back a little, and then settles himself in the gap where Jenny’s knees meet her chest. Jenny will deny it later, but she has a massive smile on her face. “Look, Supreme’s looking after you.”

“Stupid cat.” Jenny mutters, wiping the smile off her lips in an instant.

“Sure.” Yaz scoffs. “Back in a bit.” 

Yaz can tell her therapy is working as well as her physio because she goes to buy her bread from the corner store she got hurt at and doesn’t even flinch as she crosses the threshold. She picks up a little bit more than she should; bread, of course, then some strawberries, pain killers, chocolate and a massive wooly blanket for Jenny. She’s contemplating getting some bananas as well when she feels a tap on her shoulder. 

“Alright cockle?” 

“Graham! Hi!” Yaz greets him. It’s been ages since she’s seen either him or Grace so seeing him now is a very nice surprise. “How are you?”

“I’m doing alright, just getting some more veg for tonight. You look like you’re stocking up.” He points at the selection of items in her basket. 

“Jenny’s ill.” Yaz shrugs.

“Poor kid.” Graham sighs. “‘Ere how’s your war wound? Healing up nicely?”

“Yeah, actually. The last bits on the inside are healing up and I’m treating the scar.” Yaz sets her basket down in a gap on a nearby shelf. She lifts her top up to show off the still dark purple line on her lower stomach. 

“Now that, that is impressive.” Graham says, taking a good look at it. 

“Still hurts every now and then and sometimes I still have bad dreams but… it’s all part of the process. Isn’t it?” 

Yaz rips her eyes away from her stomach and gives Graham a shy smile. The only people she really talks about it to now are her therapist, Jenny, and from time to time Sonya. Even then, she doesn’t talk about it unless she has to. She’s never voluntarily shown it before like this.

“You’re a very brave young woman Yaz.” Graham says with a level of sincerity that it makes Yaz sigh like he’s being ridiculous and shake her head to stop the words from getting under her skin. “No, no seriously. The way you handle yourself after what you’ve been through. It’s amazing. You’re amazing anyway but you just always have your act together. It’s admirable.”

“That's the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” Yaz says. She forces herself to smile so that her emotions don’t get the better of her. 

“Surely Jenny’s said something better than that.” Graham chuckles nervously.

“Yeah, but…” Yaz shrugs. “I think she’s saving most of it all for her wedding vows.” 

“Oi! Yes! Got a bone to pick with you young lady, where was our invite?” Graham asks, poking Yaz’s shoulder with his index finger. 

“Hasn’t been written yet!”

“I’m only joking, Ryan explained it all.”

“How is he? I haven’t heard from him in a while.” Yaz asks to progress the conversation away from her life.

“Not the best really. That girl he was with called it off- Jenny’s friend.”

“Clara?” Yaz asks, not quite hearing what she’s being told. 

“Yeah, that’s the one.” Graham nods. “Shame really, I thought they were good together.”

“Seriously?” Yaz asks again.

“Afraid so. He won’t tell us why but he’s been sulking. Oh well, plenty of fish.” Graham tutts. 

“I better get back to my fish.” Yaz says, picking up her basket again and adding the bunch of bananas for good measure. 

“Send her my love won’t you.” Graham says with an additional thumbs up.

“Will do.” Yaz waves and makes her way over to the till, but it’s only a short few moments of being undisturbed.

“I recognise you.” The cashier says. “Is your name Yasmin?”

“It might be. Why?” Yaz keeps herself fairly anonymous as she places her basket of stuff onto the counter. If he had said ‘Yaz’ she would have accused him of simply listening in to her conversation with Graham, but he used her full name. 

“You are, aren’t you. You’re the officer who got stabbed here.” He says, a smile creeping onto his lips. “Sorry, I’m- I’m Jamie. I was the one who compressed your stomach.” 

“Oh, shit yeah! I remember you!” Yaz says, the memory of his face full of concern in front of hers flashing before her eyes. “Thank you.”

“It’s alright. Thank you for saving me. I tried to find out how you were but because I’m not family they wouldn’t tell me anything. I hoped you’d come back.” 

“All in a day's work.” Yaz brushes it off.

“I don’t think getting stabbed is in your job description.” Jamie says. 

Yaz, for the second time in minutes, finds herself becoming increasingly uncomfortable being in this store. “How much do I-”

“No. Nothing this time. You don’t need to pay anything.” Jamie insists with a firm voice that rings bells for Yaz. It must be the voice he used to keep her awake that day.

“Are you sure?” Yaz pauses. She wouldn’t want to starve a local business of some money and she certainly wouldn’t want to get this young guy in trouble.

“Absolutely.” He nods frantically and throws in a family sized pack of sweets as well. “Take some of these too, I insist.”

“You’re not going to get in trouble for this?” Yaz asks. 

“I won’t.” He insists, shoving all of the produce into a bag for her. Yaz feels guilty. But she doesn’t know if it’s because of the free food or the fact she transferred some money without telling Jenny that didn't need to be transferred in the end. It may not sound like a big deal to others but Jenny’s been trying to avoid dipping into the savings for ages.

“Jenny. Jen.” Yaz shakes Jenny awake from her nap. She knows she shouldn’t wake her up if she managed to get herself to sleep but now that she’s giving the flat some hot water a shower might be better help anyway.

“Mm what?” Jenny sighs to let her know she’s awake and Yaz doesn’t have to keep repeating her name at various volumes. 

“Did you know Ryan and Clara have split up?” Yaz asks.

“Might’ve known Clara was thinking of calling it off so she could go off with some ex military P.E teacher at her school.” Jenny mumbles.

“Why didn’t you tell me this? Ryan’s one of my best mates.”

“Exactly. Ryan is one of your best mates and you’re a sni- what’s all that?” Jenny sits up instantaneously at the sight of the carrier bag full with stuff in Yaz’s hand.

“I got some stuff for you and paid for some more hot water so you can have a shower.” Yaz says while Jenny struggles to handle the force she’s just put on her head by sitting up so fast. 

“How did you pay for that?” Jenny says as she begins to rummage through the bag. 

“Dipped into the wedding savings.” Yaz mutters, hoping Jenny won’t hear.

“Yaz!” Jenny exclaims her name and throws herself back down into her pillow dramatically.

“We needed hot water Jenny.” Yaz makes a feeble attempt to reason with her.

“We didn’t need chocolate or fruit or fluffy blankets!” Jenny begins to raise her voice and Yaz’s voice follows. 

“I don’t like seeing you uncomfortable! I wanted to get you this stuff as a treat, you’re welcome.”

“I don’t want treats, I want to be able to support you! And then one day support our kids too! I can’t do that if-”

“Calm down Jenny, it’s just chocolate and fruit.” Yaz says.

“But it’s not!” Jenny throws her head back into the pillow again. “It’s not, it’s not. It’s not.” 

Yaz, upon seeing the outburst in front of her, assigns a different approach to the situation and sits herself on the edge of the bed placing her hand on Jenny’s legs under the covers. This isn’t the normal way she reacts to money being spent at all. “Why are you so upset, Jen?” She asks softly.

“Rose had a headache.” Jenny mumbles feverishly. 

“Jen-”

“I’ve lost too many people Yaz, I need those savings to look after you. They’re not just for the wedding they’re for you! The family I finally have.”

“I’m using them to look after _you_ .” Yaz says firmly. Her tone seems to send a wave of calm over Jenny as she stops flailing about with panic and stops to listen to what Yaz has to say. “I know you’ve had losses Jenny and I know you want to protect everyone you love who’s left but who’s looking after _you_? From the way you’ve been overworking yourself it’s certainly not you. You’re going to end up killing yourself before you can experience the stuff you’re saving for.”

“I don’t want that.” Jenny says with a quivering lip.

“Then stop trying to take control because I know what’s good for you. And I know it’s going to be hard considering what you’ve lost but you _have_ to trust me.” Yaz begs her wife to believe that everything she does is for her benefit. For both of their benefits. 

“I should never have said anything about her. Just opened it all up again and I can’t handle it.” Jenny says, rubbing her head again trying to disperse the pain since it’s clear that right now she’s not going to take the paracetamol considering the money she used to ‘buy’ it. 

“You’re only young Jenny, it would have come up at some point. You need to talk to someone professional about it.” Yaz continues to speak gently despite the fact she wants to shout at her for not telling her all this when she first opened up about her past.

“With what money?” Jenny is quick to snap back. Yaz ignores her.

“Please go and have a shower.” 

Yaz watches Jenny reluctantly sit herself up, still clutching the hot water bottle to her chest, and steady herself as if she’s about to be sick the second she sits upright. With a small comforting rub on her back Yaz manages to coax Jenny into standing and walking her way towards the bathroom.

“I wish we had a bath.” Yaz hears Jenny mutter under her breath. In that moment, Yaz promises herself that one day they’re going to have a house big enough for all those kids Jenny’s intending to feed and look after, including a bathtub in every bathroom they have.

Yaz listens in on Jenny showering herself although she’s silent. She knows she’s letting the water run and she might be washing herself at the same time but knowing Jenny, she’s probably sat herself down and is just sitting there.

“Yaz.” Jenny calls out to her after about half an hour.

“Yeah?” Yaz says to let her know she’s just on the other side of the door.

“Can you come here a second?” Jenny asks. 

Without hesitating, Yaz rushes in. “What’s wrong?” 

“I can’t get up.” Jenny whimpers from the bottom of the shower tray, her knees being held close to her chest.

Instead of making a face that will tell Jenny she feels lost watching her curled up and helpless in the shower, Yaz turns off the water, whips off her socks and places the hand towel around her shoulders so that Jenny can rest her arms around them. She steps into the shower tray and gets Jenny to hold onto her while she squats and grabs hold of her waist. Jenny groans and rolls her head back as she stands upright, the blood in her body dispersing equally.

“Are you sure it’s just a headache?” Yaz double checks as Jenny steadies herself so that she can stand unsupported. She can’t tell if Jenny’s being over-dramatic or if she really does feel this unwell.

“I’m fine. Honestly.” Jenny says. She sounds so ill and defeated Yaz finds it hard not to pity her. Although this is all brought on by herself and her own actions.

“Did the shower help at all?” She asks, grabbing Jenny’s towel which she had strategically placed the hot water bottle on top of to make it warm. Yaz adds ‘heated towel rack’ to the design of their future home.

“It did, it’s just the getting up part. My skeleton is tired from shaking.” Jenny lifts her arms up and out to the side so that Yaz, who is trying to hide her smile, can wrap the towel around her body. “There was a better way to put that, wasn’t there.”

Yaz tucks the joint of the towel under her armpit and lowers Jenny’s arms for her. “I like the way you phrase things.” She says softly.

“Can I have one of those bananas now?”

“Oh, so now you’re not complaining about it?” Yaz’s eyebrows fly into her hairline.

“Bananas are good.” Jenny shrugs lightheartedly, although quickly tones down her smile. “I did some personal reflection sitting in the shower. You were right. I think I might need to talk to someone professional about… everything.”

“I’m proud of you.” Yaz announces. It takes a lot to say that out loud. “Now bed.” 

“My muscles hurt.” Jenny says, padding along behind Yaz on the way to their room.

“I know.” Yaz says.

“I hate exam season.” Jenny whines, flopping herself down onto her side of the bed. 

“I know you do baby.” Yaz coos as if ‘I know’ isn’t turning into an automatic response. She reaches for Jenny’s PJs but a slender hand lands gently on her wrist.

“I’m meant to be at work tonight. I’m supposed to be giving a talk to the parents and the kids about how being autistic doesn’t hold you back in life.” Jenny tells her.

“I know you feel better because you’re talking more.” Yaz rolls her eyes playfully. “I can phone up the school if you like. Get them to postpone it to tomorrow, I can say you have a stomach bug or something?” 

“No, don’t do that. It’s not until six tonight, I should be fine.” Jenny says. It’s a topic she clearly cares about so it makes sense that she’ll go no matter what. “Would you come with me?” 

“To do what?” Yaz asks, a little bit surprised at the offer.

“Just stand at the back. I’m good at speeches, it’ll be fun.” Jenny tries to persuade her. 

“If you really want me to, I’ll come. On one condition.” Yaz holds up her index finger.

“What?”

“You braid my hair.” 

“Deal. Obviously.” 

Yaz has never been inside this school before. Well she’s been here once, waiting for Jenny to come out to go to their date but she’s never actually been in when the school is alive. A small number of official looking teachers are still wandering around the corridors, parents and their kids are floating in and taking their seats at a steady pace. Some staff are even hanging around at the back to listen in on Jenny’s talk however Jenny doesn’t seem to be paying any attention to them. 

“What’s the time Yaz?” Jenny asks her over the muttering of parents catching up and students gossiping about their days.

“5:59.” Yaz consults her watch.

“Right, better get up there then. Wish me luck.” Jenny says, almost speeding off before Yaz can utter the words back. The second Yaz says it Jenny twists on her heels and speed walks back to give Yaz a kiss on the cheek, then hurries away again with her coat floating behind her.

By the time Yaz is over the fact that Jenny’s colleagues at the back have just seen Jenny perform a public display of affection, Jenny has reached the front, and instead of standing on or in front of the stage, Jenny decides to sit on the edge of it with her feet dangling down like a child. It’s certainly one way to catch everyone’s attention.

“Uh. Okay so hi everyone, I’m Jenny. Miss Smith to some of you, I’m one of the assistant teaching staff here at the school and I’ve been invited to talk today about autism and how it can affect your kids education.” Jenny's eyes flick up to meet Yaz at the back of the room for encouragement, which Yaz happily gives her with a smile and a nod. “As a school compared to others in the district we have significantly more students with…” 

Yaz blanks out while Jenny scoots her way through all the statistics the school has obviously prepared for her. But still, Jenny says them like they’re her own words and Yaz really only sees the difference because she spends every day with her. Her interest increases and her ears prick up when Jenny starts to go off script, and starts to sound more like herself. 

“We’re just going to ignore the adults in the room, yeah, just for a little bit because I think it’s good if we can all talk about what worries us or what makes us upset about having this label attached to us. So does anyone want to say anything? Yes, Megan.” Jenny points at the girl who was very quick to shoot her hand up.

“We have all this support with us now but what happens when you’re an adult and you have to live in the real world?” The young girl asks. Jenny pouts as she considers her answer.

“Well, you surround yourself with people who understand you. That can be your mums and dads which is why they were invited here today so they can understand more or it can be your friends and then when your older your partners. Like, when I get upset- you know when sometimes all the noises and the lights and the feelings get too much and you don’t feel in control- I go and find my wife, Yaz, and because I trust her and she knows me she knows exactly what to do to make me feel safe. I don’t really like doing assemblies like this so I brought her here today, too.” Yaz feels her heart skip a beat as a few heads turn in the direction Jenny was looking in when she said it. Luckily she was looking in a completely different direction to where Yaz is, but it still makes Yaz’s blood run faster around her body. “You just have to surround yourself with people to help you through it, and of course when you get older you trust yourself more too.”

“Will we meet your wife?” A young lad asks and a wave of hushed giggles move through the room from kids and adults alike.

“Maybe at the end if you’re lucky. Any more questions that are on topic? Yep?” 

“How do we get teachers to stop saying stuff like ‘it’s not that hard’ and stuff like that when we get things wrong?” A slightly older boy asks. 

“They shouldn’t be saying that stuff anyway but…” 

“She’s good.” Yaz gets distracted by Clara arriving at her side and whispering in her ear. “If she wasn’t such a sucker for science she would make a good English teacher.” 

“I didn’t realise you worked here.” Yaz whispers. 

“I’m still on my trial but it’s looking good.” Clara smiles. “Listen, Jenny said you know about me breaking it off with Ryan-”

“I don’t think now really is the best time to talk about that mate.” Yaz says. Jenny’s up at the front giving it her all to answer these questions and concerns from the kids and Yaz feels like the naughty kid at the back being coerced into a conversation she doesn’t want a part in in case the teacher catches them. “Maybe you can come round for dinner soon. Jenny could do with the company too, she’s working so hard she’s grinding herself into the ground.”

“I’d like that.” Clara smiles politely. She’s probably just glad Yaz isn’t taking her outside for a ‘little chat’. 

“Is it still possible to have healthy relationships?” Surprisingly, one of the parents asks. A bit of an ignorant question in Yaz’s mind but that’s the reason they’re here- to get questions answered- and Jenny has created such a relaxed atmosphere it’s easy to point blank ask what’s on your mind.

“Yes.” Jenny laughs in the parent’s face. “We’re not the undateables or anything and we’re not unable to feel love. Obviously I have a wife like I said and of course it was hard for me at the start because there were a few times where I beat myself up for having said something wrong and I’d distance myself but, just like any relationship a bit of communication could have sorted that out. The whole point in this anyway is to boost your confidence living with this stuff so you know, your kids with the right support won’t feel like they’ve messed anything up because they’re ‘wrong’ or ‘uncapable’ because they’ll know they’re not.” Jenny says. Yaz’s heart warms as she feels the room come around to Jenny’s reasoning and explanation. 

For a second, Yaz fears that Jenny might call her to the front to help her ask questions like that about having relationships but she doesn’t and Yaz is only invited to the front of the hall when the official assembly is over. Yaz can tell Jenny’s talk went down well with everyone because very few people leave and instead swarm Jenny and Yaz, plus, at the same time Jenny’s arm hangs comfortably over Yaz’s shoulder.

“Are you a teacher too?” A bright blonde kid takes particular interest in Yaz.

“No. I’m a police officer. Or I almost am, I’m having to take some time off to get better.” Yaz explains. She would feel like a fraud if she said she was a police officer when one, she’s technically still a trainee, and two, she hasn’t been to work since December.

“What’s wrong with you?” Someone else asks. 

“I got hurt at work a few months ago and I needed some time off.” Yaz answers honestly. 

“Is Jenny looking after you?”

“Of course she is.” Yaz grins. Someone who is clearly a class clown pretends to make vomit noises. Jenny throws them a look but Yaz doesn’t mind. Kids have to have their fun too.

“Are you the officer that got stabbed at the corner shop?” One of the adults chimes in. 

“I am.” Yaz nods. It kicks her down a peg or two. She hadn’t realised her incident at work was such local knowledge. 

“Wanna see the scar? Show them the scar Yaz, it’s really cool.” Jenny says. “Yaz might end up coming here to do talks about why you shouldn’t carry knives in the future, she’s like walking talking propaganda.”

“Jenny.” Yaz says firmly. 

“Sorry. Getting a bit carried away.” Jenny says. Yaz swears she hears someone whisper ‘whipped’ but she chooses to ignore it. She would have made a joke of it if Jenny had heard, but it seems it was just her. Somehow, the comment relaxes Yaz and encourages her to untuck her blouse for the second time today and reveal her scar to the circle of people that have now formed around them.

“Whoa!” Some kids gasp. Some adults hiss at the same time as they envision how bad the initial injury was. 

“Your wife is fit!” An older student exclaims, snapping his fingers at the same time.

“Harrison!” His mother, clearly embarrassed, tells him off.

“But she’s got abs mum! I didn’t mean it like that.” Harrison defends himself and Yaz can tell he means it. He even turns to Yaz directly and says “I didn’t mean it I swear.”.

“It’s alright.” Yaz says, trying to hide her chuckle. 

“This is what I mean about misunderstanding things people with autism say and why you might need patience to ask what they mean. Like…” Jenny starts to expand on one of her points to the parent that told off her son.

“Yaz.” A small voice says with a tug on her jacket sleeve just as she’s tucking her flowery blouse back into her jeans.

“Hello.” Yaz says once she’s located the source of the voice. There’s a small ginger girl at her side, far too young to be a pupil at this school. She’s probably six, maybe seven years old.

“How do you deal with living with Jenny? My brother’s a lot like her and I want to help him.”

“Living with Jenny is just living normally now.” Yaz shrugs. 

“But what was it like at first?” The little ginger girl continues to ask. 

Yaz takes a moment to gather her answer. It’s hard for her to think that far back, but looking over at Jenny now- interacting with this swarm of pre-teens like it’s a second nature- she doesn't have to think at all. The words just come flooding out of her.

“I had to get used to her quirks obviously. She can be very blunt and I didn’t really understand that at first but the longer I was with her and the more patient I learnt I had to be, it made it easier. And she still says stuff like that now but I just find it...cute.”

“Am I allowed to ask what it’s like when she has a funny moment?”

“What’s a funny moment?” Yaz frowns, unsure of what she means.

“My parents call them funny moments but I know they’re actually the meltdowns Jenny talked about.” She says. Yaz sits down on one of the chairs to continue this interrogation, her little companion doing the same in the chair next to her. 

“When Jenny has a funny moment it’s important for me to be around because she feels safe with me, like she says. She doesn’t hit herself or anything but sometimes she just needs someone there to sit with her. Does your brother need that?”

“Little bit. He cries a lot even when he says everything’s too loud anyway.” The girl says casually and it reminds Yaz how kids sometimes don’t know the severity of what they’re saying. 

“If you think about it like a glass of water. The more and more sounds that your brother is hearing the more the glass fills up and soon it overflows and your brother’s just tipping the sounds out of the glass himself before it becomes too much.”

“Huh.” The kids swing her legs back and forth and considers what Yaz has just told her with her tongue poking out the corner of her mouth. “I get it now.”

“Awesome.” Yaz smiles at her as an extra sort of ‘well done’ in a non patronizing way. “Can I have a high five?” Yaz asks and her palm that she’s holding up gets whacked so hard it almost stings.

“Yaz?” Yaz hears Jenny’s voice calling for her and her eyes find her just as quickly as her eyes do. “Can I borrow you for a second?”

“I think you’ll make an amazing teacher Jenny.” Yaz says as they walk side by side out of the school and into the car park. 

“Really?” Jenny's face scrunches up adorably. 

“Yep.” Yaz grins. “Just the way you spoke. I can see you doing it every day.”

“I reckon you’re going to make an amazing mum one day too.” Jenny continues the roll call of compliments. “I saw how you were talking to that kid.” 

“That’s just training I have from work.” Yaz shrugs off Jenny’s observation.

“You’re downplaying it. You should’ve done the assembly with me. Been my co-host.”

“I basically was by the end!” Yaz says, turning to face Jenny right as they reach Jenny’s car. 

“And I’m grateful for it. Truly. ” Jenny says sincerely and there’s a couple of seconds where they just stare stupidly at each other.

“How’s your head?” Yaz asks before their silent stares really do last stupidly long.

“Haven’t had any complaints.” Jenny smirks and hooks her finger on the frills of her white top under her blouse and pulls it towards her, showing off her cleavage.

“Jenny! You’re such a child, I’m being serious.” Yaz says, although she’s laughing at the same time.

“Bit of a dull ache at the back of my neck but I’m fine.” Jenny says, unhooking her finger from Yaz’s top.

“It’s been one hell of a day.” Yaz says. 

“Fancy some stress relief?” Jenny smirks.

Yaz grumbles, squinting her eyes suspiciously at Jenny. “What’s your definition of stress relief?”

“Whatever you want.” Jenny says quietly, removing a loose eyelash from Yaz’s cheek and throwing it over her left shoulder. “For good luck.”

“Can I eat some of that chocolate I got you?” Yaz asks. 

“Absolutely anything but that.” Jenny shakes her head. Guess the chocolate is off limits then. 

“Jen.” Yaz calls her back from getting in the car with the simple use of her name.

“Yes Yaz.” Jenny turns back. 

She looks around to make sure no students are nearby, and without saying anything, Yaz curls her arms around Jenny’s waist tugging her in, sighing contently. She tilts her head up slightly to reach Jenny’s lips and pushes against them, gently but passionately, before tucking her head into the crook of her neck and hugging her tightly. 

“Did I do something?” Jenny asks, her arms cautiously cuddling Yaz back in the middle of this car park still filled with parents and students filtering out. 

“Not really.” Yaz pulls her face back. Jenny is looking at her so confused and innocently that Yaz feels herself fall in love with her that little bit more right then and there. She thought she couldn’t fall any further. “I just love you.”

“Cool! Let’s go, I’m hungry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for making me unemployed coronavirus, I'm just gonna write fic day in day out


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reread this recently to check I haven't missed any plot-holes as I finish up and WHEW CHILE the spelling mistakes and missed words, I am... a clown

Yaz wakes up without Jenny next to her which is strange in her mind. She doesn’t have any classes to go to, not only because it’s a Saturday but because she officially handed in her dissertation and finished all practical exams as of yesterday. She’s a free woman with no responsibilities- excluding the multiple extra shifts she’s now taken up with the school so that they can keep up with the rent and eat at the same time.

“Morning.” Jenny appears with a strong case of bedhead, two cups of tea in her hand, and a plate with a couple of slices of toast in the other. “I made tea.”

“I can see that.” Yaz says, accepting her mug and sitting herself up while Jenny tucks her legs back in under the covers. “How do you feel?”

“It’s weird. Finally finished school.” Jenny sips her tea and then dunks a corner of a slice of toast into the mug.

“You’re weird.” Yaz says, stealing the rest of the toast that wasn’t drowned by tea. 

“Maybe so but you're not stopping me.” Jenny says as she chews, mouth wide open. 

“Now we can actually do stuff together.” Yaz leans her body into Jenny’s side. She’s barely seen her the last few weeks and Yaz can’t wait to have Jenny all to herself for a while. They could do cute things, like go for walks together or visit friends. So basically, the normal stuff they do before exam season takes over both their lives even though only one of them is still a student.

“When I’m not at work.” Jenny huffs.

“When does the school break up again?” Yaz asks.

“Middle of July. Then I'll have to get a summer job” Jenny shoves the last bit of toast into her mouth whole, so that Yaz can’t take it no doubt.

Yaz grumbles quietly, pushing her face and her head into Jenny’s neck. “I’m bored home alone. I want you.”

“Surely they’ll let you back to work soon.” Jenny’s arm that isn’t attached to her morning cuppa cuddles around Yaz’s shoulders, her thumb stroking the joint of her shoulder comfortingly. 

“I don’t know what they’re doing. I want to go back so badly.”

“I know you do Yaz.” Jenny kisses the top of her head. “You’ll get there.”

“What do you want to do today? Considering we do have time together.” Yaz asks. She takes a sip of the tea Jenny’s made her and decides it’s a bit too milky for her, like it is every time Jenny makes tea in the morning, and she places it over on her bedside table. She doesn’t say anything to Jenny, just shuffles to sit back next to her again.

“I really need to start thinking about a grad outfit but we don’t have money.” Jenny punctuates her sentence with a yawn.

“Mum said she’d help-”

“I don’t want your parents money, I’ll just wear what I wore at my first graduation.” Jenny waves away the offer.

“C’mon Jenny.” Yaz retakes her place snuggled into Jenny’s shoulder, including an arm around her stomach now that she isn’t holding anything. “Treat yourself to a nice suit, this might be the last time you ever graduate if you decide not to do a masters.”

Jenny gives herself a hundred chins so she can look down at Yaz’s face. “I do look good in suits.” 

“You look good in everything.” Yaz kisses the creases of those many, many necks.

“I know some of my t-shirt graphics are questionable-”

“Nah. You even look good in those.” Yaz goes to kiss Jenny on the lips but gets swiftly denied.

“Hold on let me finish my drink first.” Jenny throws the remainder of her drink down her neck. “Smashing.” Jenny says, putting down her empty mug so that she can hold Yaz with both arms as she kisses her back. 

It’s cute, really cute, how Jenny thinks today is going to be a lazy morning in bed spent kissing and groping and perhaps even moving on to something more time consuming.

“Come on.” Yaz says, shuffling away.

“Wait- what?” Jenny complains.

“Can’t waste the day Jenny.” Yaz swings her legs over for her feet to hit the floor.

“I’m not wasting the day, I’m trying to get it on with…” Jenny tails off when Yaz looks over her shoulder, not scolding at her, but just giving her a look that is asks ‘are you sure you want to finish that?’. “...spend my free time as best as I possibly can with my lovely adoring wife who I love so very much and I am fully aware she can withhold affections from me?”

Yaz twists herself around so that she can leave another kiss just gently on the corner of Jenny’s mouth. “Nice try babe.” 

“Hnnnggggng.” Jenny groans, planting herself face first into the mattress to muffle her sounds which just makes it even more humorous for Yaz.

“Come on.” Yaz gets up and stands over her lazy partner. 

“No.” Jenny’s voice is muffled but the sentiment is very clear.

“Come ooon.” Yaz grabs Jenny’s wrist with both of her hands and drags her body across the bed until Jenny has no choice but to get up.

“You owe me morning sex.” Jenny grumbles, taking the first few steps of the day. 

“It’s your birthday in two days, wait until then.”

_ “Which one’s this then?”  _ The static voice of Najia Khan comes through Jenny’s laptop speaker that is sitting comfortably on the chair in between her and Clara outside the fitting room.

“Dark blue I think.” Yaz says using the process of elimination. They’ve had the dark green, they’ve had the traditional black tie, they’ve had the light blue, and all that’s left on the list are the dark blue and the purple.

_ “I’m surprised she hasn’t gone with a bright red.”  _

“It was in the pile, trust me.” Clara says, not removing her eyes from the magazine she’s flicking through.

“I think she would look good in red.” Yaz says.

“You think she looks good in everything.” Clara says, finally bringing her eyes up for the first time in five minutes.

“Am I wrong?” Yaz pouts. Clara pouts back then smiles.

“I still think you should join some kind of debate society.”

“I really like this one.” Jenny says, her body still hidden in the cubicle.

“Come and show us then.” Yaz prompts her to come out.

Jenny steps out in a suit that fits her body perfectly and quite frankly makes her glow. Yaz has to stop her jaw from dropping straight to the ground. She looks like a totally different person. The whole outfit is such a deep dark blue it’s almost like looking at a starless nights sky, the only light things highlighting the richness of the colour being the sides of a white blouse peeking out under the sides of the buttoned up blazer and the natural paleness of Jenny’s chest- although the more Jenny stands there without the panel of three judges saying anything the more her chest flushes pink from being on show. For a second Yaz thinks Jenny might have put the blouse on backwards, but the more Yaz looks the more she realises this is what Jenny looks like in suits designed for women. They're meant to show off… features.

“Ace.” Yaz says, lost for any other kind of words. She can think of other words, but she reckons her mother wouldn’t be too impressed to hear them.

_ “I really like this one too Jenny.”  _ Najia says. Yaz can’t see her mum's face since the screen is pointing to where Jenny’s standing but she sounds impressed. 

“You’re so fit it’s unfair.” Clara sighs.

“Yaz can you come and help me with the next one?” Jenny says, eager to move along, probably so that they can hurry up and purchase the one she’s currently wearing.

“Sure.” Yaz manages to find her voice and follows Jenny back into the changing cubicle.

“I don’t like it.” Jenny says straight away.

“Hold on- what?” Yaz tries to get a grasp on the situation before she loses it completely. “You said you really liked this one?”

“I do like it but I don’t. All this, it’s too…” Jenny pinches, pulls and just in general makes a fuss with her hands about the low cut V-shaped shirt. “Feminine.”

Yaz takes a second to think and not allow her gay brain to overtake her rational one. Jenny is clearly quite frustrated at how she feels and she shouldn’t say anything selfish that will end up making her feel bad.

“Personally I think you look really sexy-”

“Yaz!”

“-but if you don’t like this one specific part it doesn’t mean you can’t have the rest of it. We can change the shirt.” Yaz suggests. 

“The purple one might be better anyway.” Jenny shrugs, starting to take the blue suit off. 

“Saved the best till last?” Yaz asks.

“Might’ve done.” Jenny smirks. “Go. No sneak peeks.”

Yaz goes back to her seat, Clara and Najia too busy in conversation to ask why Jenny wanted Yaz’s attention, and sits listening in while they wait for Jenny to change clothes. 

The next time Jenny steps out all conversation is cut dead on the spot, Najia wolf whistles and Clara mutters ‘oh yeah that’s the one’ which encourages Jenny to do a little twirl. The bluish-purple shirt buttoned up right to the top is accompanied by a tartan waistcoat and matching trousers that are curled up at the bottoms to show some strikingly purple socks sticking out of her boots. There’s also an elegant purple coat to go with it but Jenny decides to take it off to make sure the rest of the outfit is seen. It shouldn’t work. When Jenny picked out that selection Yaz bit her tongue because she thought Jenny would look like some kind of mad scientist but then again, that’s exactly what Jenny is. And it works. Although it does remind Yaz of someone.

“Looks like something my supervisor would wear.” Yaz says. She can imaging O walking in right now and picking out the exact same outfit.

“Don’t say that, I don’t like your supervisor.” Jenny pushes her hands into the pockets and crosses one leg in front of the other. 

“That’s kinda hot though.” Yaz raises her eyebrows. Jenny winks at her, which doesn’t help the flustered state of her cheeks. 

_ “It needs a bowtie.”  _ Najia says. 

“Hmmm! Very good point Najia.” Clara agrees. “A nice dark mauve or a maroon one or something.”

_ “Ooo! Yes!”  _

“This one really suits you Jenny.” Yaz says, moving away from what could be added to what is actually on her at the moment. She looks far more comfortable in these clothes than all of the ones before. “Never thought a waistcoat could look so good.”

“You won’t get too hot will you Jen?” Clara asks, then turns to Yaz. “Those cloaks are fucking boiler suits in the sun.”

“I’ll be fine. Yaz will catch me.” Jenny says paying no mind to Clara’s concern.

“Not if you fall off stage.” Yaz says.

“Then this incredibly soft shirt will pillow my fall.” Jenny grins. 

_ “Is this the one then?” _ Najia asks.

“You look confident in it Jenny.” Clara says what everyone’s thinking. 

“I’m happy with this one.” Jenny nods, still smiling widely. “Are you sure you still want to pay mu-”

_ “Yes, call it your graduation present. It’s on me.”  _ Najia continues to insist on paying for the entire outfit. 

“Thank you.” Jenny says to show her appreciation. “No one’s ever bought me clothes I've chosen before.” She fiddles with the cuffs of her shirt, and Yaz recognises the behavior as her struggling to pull the fabric into the palm of her hand.

Yaz takes it upon herself to get up and go over to her, getting her body right into her personal space to force Jenny to focus on her and only her. To make everything else going on in the room dissapear.

“Don’t feel bad about it Jen. She wants to do this for you. Okay?” Yaz whispers.

“Okay.” Jenny nods gently.

“I prefer this one.” Yaz whispers again, this time resting her hand against Jenny’s chest so she can feel her heart beating.

_ “Are they going to bang in front of us?”  _ Najia stage whispers to Clara.

“Honestly with those two you never know for sure.” Clara says.

“You two together are lethal.” Yaz says, slamming the laptop screen down so that her mother disappears.

“Yaz can you help me tie this?” Jenny wanders into the living room half dressed with the fabric that will make up a bowtie hanging around her neck.

“Tie what?” Yaz asks, getting up from the sofa to help.

“My bowtie.” Jenny points.

“I thought you knew how to tie bowties.” Yaz says right as the gap between them closes and she can reach her neck. 

“The one at the wedding Clara tied and the other one is a clip on.” Jenny says like it's scandalous.

Yaz gasps. “You cheat!” 

“Don’t tell anyone.” Jenny smiles

“I wouldn’t dare.”

Yaz ties Jenny’s bowtie easily while Jenny continues to smile adoringly at her. 

“Thank you.” She says when Yaz is done.

“Are you nervous? You’re looking at me like you’re nervous.” Yaz asks. She knows today is going to be a lot for her and she wants to make sure she’s not going to start doubting herself.

“Always a little bit nervous before mass gatherings. Especially with all eyes on me.” Jenny laughs nervously, not helping her cause at all. “You look beautiful.”

Yaz looks herself up and down, analyzing her outfit. It’s a bit different to what she normally wears because today is special. Striped white, orange, green and yellow harem pants that sit comfortably just on top of her hips accompanied by a matching top that just about comes to the top of her belly button, the whole outfit leaving her midriff exposed. Yaz didn’t choose it because she looks good, she chose it because the country is a few days away from a heatwave and she’s not bagging on the room she’s about to sit in for a couple of hours having air conditioning.

“And you’re already handsome with only half of your outfit on.” Yaz says, tucking in a small part of Jenny’s shirt that she left out into her trousers for her.

“You can never just take a compliment can you?” Jenny asks all while doing up her cuff-links. Yaz is rendered speechless for no particular reason. Jenny pays her compliments all the time but this one in particular today and the way she said it, it just feels different. Special “You’re stunning, Yasmin Khan.”

Jenny drops the back to one of her cuff-links on the floor and even though Yaz reaches to get it Jenny is faster to get onto her knees. So fast that the next thing Yaz knows before she can even warn her about all the cat hair on the floor getting on her suit, Jenny is kneeling in front of her with the most submissive look on her face. There’s nothing sexual about it. She’s just… kneeling there. Looking up at her like she could do or say anything to her at this moment. Suddenly, and without prior warning, Yaz gets a rush of uncertainty in herself and her appearance- specifically the great big scar on one side of her tummy- and tries to fold her arms across her exposed skin. And once again, Jenny has quicker reactions and instead of feeling her stomach Yaz’s hands touch the sides of Jenny’s head as her lips press tenderly against the center of her scar. Yaz melts instantly letting her hands weave through those freshly dyed locks of hair and even if she wasn’t holding her in that position, Jenny stays resting her forehead against Yaz’s stomach for a good few, wonderful seconds that make Yaz feel like she’s the luckiest woman in the universe. Jenny then takes Yaz’s left hand, plants another kiss upon her ring, and uses Yaz’s waist to help herself up.

“Jenny.” Yaz says when she can still feel Jenny’s hands holding onto her sides.

Jenny’s lips attach to hers and move so slowly against her anyone watching wouldn’t be able to tell what they’re doing. Instinctively Yaz parts her lips, prompting Jenny to kiss her deeper, but she still manages to keep her composure in keeping things beautifully light and wistful despite the powerful feeling behind it all. Without a thought towards how if they don’t stop soon, Jenny’s going to be late to collect her fancy robe and hat, Yaz lets her hands rest at the base of Jenny’s neck so as to not smudge the smidgen of makeup that’s been applied on her face. It’s warm outside anyway, but Jenny’s making her skin feel like she’s bathing in the midday sun, rejuvenating every cell in her body.

“What’s got into you?” Yaz mumbles her question half not expecting to get a straight answer once they split. It’s not like she needs to speak loudly, since even though their lips aren’t touching they’re still resting their heads very close together.

“Today means a lot to me. As do you.” As Jenny speaks she takes up her habit of stroking her thumb against her scar.

“You’re going to be late.” Yaz says to distract her.

“Right.” Jenny doesn’t move.

“Jenny I’m serious, it’s like you don’t want to go.” Yaz says. Jenny shuffles in her socks and warning bells start to ring in Yaz’s head. “Jenny?”

“School has always been a safe space to me. Somewhere to go with a roof and help. I don’t know how I can leave it behind, plus we’ve only been together while I’ve been studying. What if the dynamics between us change and you want to leave me?” Jenny explains; her eyes on the floor the entire time.

“Don’t be silly, I’m never going to leave you.” Yaz takes the route of tough love. “You’ve got an opportunity to work in a school after this and create that safe atmosphere for other kids. Stop fretting about it. It’s like you’re expecting me to leave.”

“Because you did leave.” Jenny says, blunt as ever. 

Yaz’s instincts tell her to take a step back, to distance herself but something else in her tells her to stay. Not to stand her ground, because Jenny’s right. She did leave. And she did leave without clear warning beforehand. Once Jenny realises what she’s said her face reveals that she didn’t quite mean it to come out like it had.

“I’m not holding a grudge or anything, it's just at the moment, now that we’re proper settled down, I’m scared you’ll need time away from me again. Or get bored of me when I'm home more.” She says, sort of insecurely curling in on herself to make herself look even smaller than she is.

“You think I wouldn’t let you know if I needed that?” Yaz cups Jenny face with her hands to stop her from looking at the ground. “You don’t need to try and keep me, I’ve told you this. Jenny in my mind I’m not leaving you. Ever. I wouldn’t have married you if I thought differently. I’m prepared to walk with your body right up to the crematorium furnace.”

“I don’t want to be cremated.” Jenny says. There’s a certain spirit to her voice that’s almost cheeky. Like Jenny is saying this stuff to test her.

“I’ll carry your coffin to your grave and visit every day then.” Yaz changes her sentiment.

“I think you’re forgetting I said you’re gonna die before me.” Jenny keeps testing.

“Then I’ll haunt you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and you’ll never be able to get rid of me.” Jenny laughs quietly, and considering how a conversation like this would have ended a matter of months ago Yaz can’t help but smile. “I’m with you until the end of the world Jen.” 

“You’re brilliant.” Jenny plants one on Yaz’s cheek, obviously convinced by her words, and rushes off to get the rest of her outfit on her body.

Jenny doesn’t stop moving after that; twitching her feet, her arms, her hands, her fingers, her eyebrows and fills the entire car ride with random facts about the traditions of graduation. Yaz drops her off at the back of the building, goes to park then waits in the main foye for everyone else to arrive. Clara and Amy turn up first, Amy apologising for Rory’s absence since he’s on shift at the hospital. Then, with a swarm of other teaching staff making their way in, Yaz and River spot each other at the same time when she walks past, and greet each other with a kind smile and wave. 

“What’s going on there?” Clara asks.

“Something suspicious, my senses detect.” Amy says.

“We all had dinner together a while ago.” Yaz explains. Amy and Clara keep their eyes on Yaz but tilt their heads together.

“Threesome?” Amy suggests.

“Definitely.” Clara nods.

Yaz opens her mouth to tell them just how wrong they are but her eyes catch sight of the entire Khan clan walking towards her.

“Hiya Yaz!” Najia cheers when they’re still several steps away.

“Mum!” Yaz breaks out into a beaming smile at the sight of all four of them reaching touching distance. Seeing her family in person will always be more special than video calling through a screen.

“Yaz!” A totally new but not unfamiliar little voice shouts her name. Yaz’s attentions are turned solely to Aliya sitting in her buggy, grinning at her aunt.

“Did she just say-”

“Your name. Yeah.” Sonya confirms it. “First Mama, then Yaz.” 

“And then Nani, which was a little bit of a kick in the teeth considering I live with her but I’ll forgive it.” Najia adds. 

“She’s not bitter at all.” Hakim winks. “Hi girls.” He adds, acknowledging Amy and Clara’s presence. 

“Oh-ho!” Yaz chuckles, picking Aliya up so she can hold the increasingly tetchy toddler. “You wait until I tell Jenny about this.”

“How is she?” Sonya asks. Yaz still isn’t used to her taking interest in her life.

“Eager to get on with it I think.” Yaz says. “I know she wants to see you the most.” She tickles Aliya’s tummy to let her know she’s talking about her. Jenny dedicated at least two minutes of the car ride to talking about how exciting it’s going to be with Aliya now she’s verging on being a properly active toddler.

“Charming. Her best lifelong friends pushed to the sideline for a baby.” Amy says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I like her." Sonya mutters. 

“You won’t want to be considered aunts to  _ our _ kids then?” Yaz teases the redhead.

“You are so cute, can’t wait to spend time with you today Alissa-”

“Aliya.” Clara corrects her.

“-Aliya.” Amy coos and it makes Yaz laugh.

“Come on, let’s go and sit down before all the good seats are taken.” Clara suggests, taking the lead for everyone else to follow.

Yaz wasn’t sure of what to expect from a graduation but it lasts much longer than she thought it would. Luckily Aliya is as good as gold and sleeps against Yaz’s chest for most of it. Never in her life has she felt so proud of Jenny than when she sees her walking across the stage, shaking hands with the chancellor and accepting her certificate. She looks great in her outfit, even if the hat looks a little bit strange. By the time they’re leaving the event center Yaz  _ really _ realises she has no idea about what happens after this and has to follow Clara and Amy’s lead as they’re the only ones with experience. She expected Jenny to come straight out but it's like she's being held captive.

As a group, they wait outside the building in the sun and the fresh air waiting for Jenny to reappear. Yaz is occupying herself pointing out cars and animals that pass to Aliya right up until she feels her phone start to vibrate in her pocket. 

“Mum can you take her a second?” Yaz asks as she passes Aliya off to her so that she can answer whoever’s calling. There’s no number ID, but it’s the local area code so it’s unlikely to be a scam.

“Hello.” Yaz answers. 

_ “Good afternoon Yaz.”  _ The Scottish tones of her boss are undeniable.

“Sarge. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Yaz asks, changing the entire tone of both her voice and her body to be suitable for work. It attracts some looks from her sister and her mum but otherwise goes unnoticed to everyone else. She still steps away from the group, just to be sure nothing gets overheard.

_ “You’ve been given the green light Khan.” _

“What does that mean?” Yaz asks. Given the green light for what, exactly? To be let go?

_ “If you feel you're ready, you can come back next week for a meeting with me and we go from there.” _

“Seriously?” Yaz can’t quite believe it. “I can come back?” 

_ “We want you back, Khan. If you’re ready.” _

“Yes! Yes, I am- I want to come back.” Yaz loses her cool a little the more it sinks in. 

_ “Come to the station at nine on Monday. I’ll run everything through with you.” _

“Yes, that’s fine. That’s brilliant I’ll- I’ll be there Monday.” Yaz feels her face fall into a grin.

_ “Good. See you then.”  _ Missy hangs up and Yaz doesn’t entirely know what to do with herself. However the one thing she does know for sure is that she needs to keep this news to herself- just for today. Today is about Jenny, not her.

“What was that about?” Sonya asks.

“Nothing.” Yaz brushes it off. Luckily she had moved far enough away for them all not to hear the exact details of the phone call.

“Sorry. Had to take group photos.” Jenny acts as Yaz’s saving grace, walking over and shifting all the attention onto herself. 

“Congratulations Jen.” Amy pats her on the back. “Looking fabulous by the way.”

“Thanks.” Jenny smiles, removing the skullcap on her head to let her hair flow freely. 

“Didn’t you want to go onto campus? Take some pictures there?” Clara asks. 

“Nah.” Jenny throws the cap into Aliya’s pram. "Been there, done that." 

“Are you sure?” Yaz double checks. She doesn’t want Jenny to end up regretting not doing everything she wants today. 

“No, I’m fine.” Jenny continues to remove the black gown from around her shoulders. “I want to spend time with you lot anyway.” Jenny addresses her family, placing an arm around Yaz’s shoulders.

“Yaz.” Aliya says, accompanied by some grabby hand actions in her direction. 

“Hold on a second-” Jenny points in shock as Yaz takes her niece back into her arms. 

“Don’t look so surprised Jenny.” Sonya teases. “Yaz is her favourite.”

“Oh really? Is that true? Is that how you feel, little munchkin?” Jenny tickles Aliya’s sides to make her squeal and giggle and Yaz easily lets her out of her arms so that Jenny can take her and lift her up in the air. “Phoar! We’ll see about that, huh.”

“Come on, let’s go to the park.” Clara says. “You can at least adhere to one tradition.” 

In all her (very few) years of living and working in the area Yaz never knew this park existed. The ‘park’ is essentially a field with some benches, a little cafe, and a couple of climbing frames for young kids to play on. Aliya is too young to be playing on the frames so instead, while Clara and Amy go and get some drinks, the rest of them sit on one of the benches, Aliya clinging to Jenny and Jenny undoing her bowtie and rolling up her sleeves at the same time. They chose a spot in the shade but the air is still hot around them and Jenny out of all of them has the most clothes on. Something Yaz will probably fix tonight but there are several hours to go until she can do that.

“We’d like to give something to the two of you. A graduation present, kind of.” Najia takes the opportunity while it’s just family to announce. 

“You already gave me a graduation present? I’m wearing it?” Jenny says, incredibly confused. Yaz is no clearer on what’s going on.

“Well actually, it’s from Umbreen.” Hakim enlightens them.

“All the legal stuff about Nani’s last will and testament finally got sorted so… she left this for you.” Sonya says. It then becomes clear to Yaz that all three of them have been keeping this a secret all day. They've been waiting for this for over a year, Yaz is surprised they managed to keep it secret at all.

“We want you to use it however you want. Perhaps on the wedding or treating yourselves to a honeymoon holiday or split it and spend it on both but you can’t just use it to pay bills.” Najia instructs, handing over the envelope to Yaz. 

“You do it.” Yaz hands it over to Jenny straight away. Sonya comes over to remove Aliya so that she can sit on the grass while Yaz’s eyes stay locked on Jenny ripping open the top of the envelope and pulling out a slip of paper.

“Is this a joke?” Jenny looks up at Najia wide-eyed.

“No.” Najia smiles. “She left her assets to me and three thousand to each of her grandkids.”

“Three thousand?!” Yaz shouts. From doing the quick maths, Umbreen must have had a whole load of life savings to be able to leave that much money to each of her grandchildren.

“But this says six?” Jenny questions the number written on the cheque.

“What?” Yaz is too shocked to shout again and leans into Jenny’s space to see for herself. Six thousand pounds only. Written as clear as day. 

“She counted you as one of her grandchildren, Jenny.” Najia says softly. 

Yaz steps out of the confines of the park bench so that she can wrap her arms around a shocked Jenny who seems to be frozen in time. Yaz is having a hard time comprehending it herself but bloody hell Jenny is being sent through an intense fairground ride of emotions today. It's like she might just explode.

“M-me?” Jenny stutters. Najia nods again and Jenny looks up at Yaz with tear filled eyes. “Me?” She repeats. 

“Yeah. You.” Yaz insists; kissing her forehead and rubbing her arms as this momentous news flash sinks in.

“Would’ve been a bit awkward if you ended up splitting up but-”

“Holy shit!” Jenny gasps, interrupting Hakim’s sentence that quite frankly needed to be interrupted, and Yaz guesses it’s finally sunk in. 

Jenny begins to laugh like she can’t believe anything that’s going on and breaks free from Yaz’s hands gently caressing the upper half of her body to jump on top and over the bench landing on the grass beside Najia. Yaz knows Jenny is unpredictable at emotionally charged events but never in her wildest dreams did she imagine Jenny holding her mother’s face and smacking one right on her lips. Naturally Najia is totally taken back by this action and Yaz can do nothing but stand and stare at her wife continuing to kiss her mum despite how shook Najia looks and how tight her lips are sealed. Jenny kisses Najia forehead when she’s done, ignores Hakim- who is looking legitimately terrified for his own safety- and Sonya, who has burst into laughter, and jumps back over the picnic bench to tackle Yaz into a desperately tight hug.

“Did we miss something?” Amy asks having returned with Clara and a tray filled with drinks and snacks each.

Sonya fills the two friends in while Hakim tries to shake Najia out of the shock and Jenny stares helplessly into Yaz’s face with not an inch between them. Jenny is obviously finding it difficult because Yaz can see the effects of the adrenaline on her. She doesn't know if Jenny's going to run or jump or scream or cry.

“I’m gonna give you everything. I’m gonna- I’m- everything you deserve I- I'll save my half- I'll-”

“Breathe, Jenny.” Yaz tries to calm her down by stroking hair behind her ear but instead knocks off her ear cuff for it to hang on it’s attached chain. Jenny goes to put it back but her hand is shaking so much Yaz has to sit the constellation of stars back on her ear for her.

“I’ve never had that much money in my life. Not even with student loans.” Jenny whispers. 

“Don’t forget the thousand we have saved.” Yaz reminds her. 

“God.” Jenny gasps again. “I don’t think anything else can top today. Unless you’re pregnant, you’re not pregnant are you?” Jenny makes herself concerned, screwing up her face over the impossibility. 

“I’m not pregnant Jen.” Yaz laughs. “But I do have my job back.”

“What?” Jenny continues to look confused. 

“I go back on Monday.” Yaz grins. Jenny looks over at the rest of the Khan’s. “Don’t tell them yet. Today’s about you.” 

“Are you serious?” Jenny can barely push the words out of her mouth at an audible level.

“I’m going to start getting paid again Jenny. Proper pay, not sick pay.” 

The words only just get out of Yaz’s mouth in time to reach Jenny before her wife sinks to her knees, not caring for grass stains or mud, and rests her head against Yaz’s stomach again in an echo of this morning. To anyone watching it might look like Yaz has just given Jenny some devastating news but Yaz knows it's out of relief. She won’t have to take up those extra shifts. She won’t have to work so much in a supermarket during the summer. They can have a holiday. She'll be under far less pressure to provide. It’s a weight lifted off of both their shoulders after a stressful year beyond belief. 

“Thank you.” Yaz mouths up at the sky, holding Jenny’s head against her stomach as she does just before crouching down to hold her properly.

The afternoon rolls into a beautiful summer evening. Amy and Clara left a couple of hours ago leaving Najia and Hakim to order pizza to the park and Jenny, Yaz and Sonya to play with Aliya. Currently, Sonya’s gone to the toilet, leaving Jenny to sit with Aliya on her lap while Yaz feeds her food from a jar. 

“You’re definitely her favourite.” Jenny says. “She looks at you like I look at you.” 

“You’re my favourite.” Yaz says, scooping up some paste from the corners of Aliya’s mouth. “And you’ll always be my favourite, Jen.” 

“Is that you saying you’re not going to love the kids more than me?” Jenny asks. 

“Basically, yeah.” Yaz giggles. 

“I don’t know why I was nervous this morning.” Jenny readjusts Aliya in her lap so that she isn’t sinking so far down she’s laying flat. 

“How come?” Yaz asks out of interest, savouring this time together before all eyes are back on them.

“I feel more relaxed than I thought I would.” 

“Because of the money or because everything’s back on track?” The cynical side of Yaz asks. 

“Because nothing has changed like I thought it would. I’m still me and you’re still you.” 

“Well, that’s always a bonus.” Yaz tries not to laugh and discourage her. 

“Yaz.” Jenny says a little more quietly. Yaz looks up from giving Aliya all of her attention and Jenny looking extra soft and mushy in the face, replicating her mood. Aliya is holding onto Jenny’s ring finger with her entire hand to keep herself upright as she sits forward reaching for the spoon in Yaz’s hand. Jenny seems to be paying no mind to the situation but Yaz is. She’s overcome with that feeling of wanting a family with her again. “I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you in it.” Jenny says. 

“I’m here, you’re not supposed to be imagining what it would be like if I’m not.” Yaz says. 

“But there were so many times you could’ve chosen to leave me.” Jenny says like it’s a mystery as to how they’re still together. 

“And I didn’t because I can’t imagine my life without you in it either.” Yaz says. “So stop thinking about it.” She adds a smile. 

“I’ll never stop thinking about you.”

“Ugh, now we’re stepping into gross PDA territory.” Yaz tries to move away from the talk that usually happens in the early hours of the morning in bed by continuing to feed a patiently waiting Aliya. 

“Give me a kiss.” Jenny leans forward at the same time Yaz leans in to get the spoon in Aliya’s mouth.

“Jen, I’m doing something.” She dodges Jenny's advances. 

“Fine I’ll ask your mum if I can kiss her again.”

“Dude!” Yaz says, disgusted. 

“Only joking.” 

Jenny manages to steal a tiny itsy bitsy kiss from the corner of Yaz’s lips. Yaz doesn’t know how, perhaps Jenny is just simple too fast for her. Maybe she’ll slow down as she gets older. But then again, something in the back of Yaz’s head- whether it be her rationality or the ghost of relationship guru Umbreen- tells her that she’s going to be trying to keep up with Jenny for many years to come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so who's ready for a 27 year time jump, I'm not kidding


	20. Twenty-Seven years later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congrats on making it this far, see my other note at the end for a surprise

It’s almost been three hours since Yaz, Jenny and Cameron arrived on campus. Of all universities their son wanted to go to he had to choose the one his parents went to many moons ago. Jenny was ecstatic for him when he announced he got in, but Yaz naturally had her fears considering how her experience here was. Luckily for him, having two mums with distinguished and established careers means he’s able to have the newer fancier accommodation and also with Jenny’s brains he isn’t having to do a foundation year like Yaz.

Right now, Yaz is waiting for Cameron to sort out his stuff in the kitchen while she admires the photos of family and friends he’s stuck up on his pinboard and Jenny’s quickly getting the letter she wrote for Cam with a bit of money for freshers tickets in it secretly out of the car. There’s all sorts of images up here; some involving being passed out from heavy drinking which Yaz is actively ignoring but others she is totally flattered by.

He has the one they all took together when the first day they officially adopted him when he was six after two years of fostering. He wasn’t the first kid they fostered but he was the one that stuck. Before him there was Mia, Toby, twin baby girls that reminded them why neither of them wanted to give birth themselves, then Cameron.

The one of Jenny injecting his first testosterone shot he could take at home- Jenny looking like it was the proudest day of her life. It was a proud day. On par with when Cameron came up to them both and said he wanted to change his name, but he wanted his mums to name him. Yaz chose Cameron, Jenny chose Tyler, and Cam himself chose Khan as his last name. 

The one of the entire Khan family- including Ryan who in a shock twist of events ended up dating and marrying Sonya to Yaz’s disgust. The marriage was freaky enough for her but the fact they then went on to give Aliya a baby sister gave Yaz the creeps for the first few weeks. Aliya’s 28 now, settling down with her own husband and Grace, her sister, is just about to turn 23. 

The photo of his first day of school. Pigtails and all.

The photo of him and the bike Jenny and Yaz got him for his first Christmas with them, riding it around the garden. 

The photo of the look on Jenny’s face when the surprise party they threw for her fortieth birthday was executed perfectly.

But the one that she can’t help but stare at the most is the one of Jenny and her first kiss as they entered the reception hall at their wedding. That was a good day- sex tape and all to prove it- but the reason that she’s smiling at it so much now is that their son has actively chosen to put a picture of his parents up in his room. Friends, study partners and potential lovers might come into this room and see that. See how proud he is to be their kid.

The heavy fire door opens and shuts allowing Cameron back into his new room. He’s as pale as Jenny anyway but his face looks a little ashen compared to normal. Even the short black hair on top of his head looks flatter.

“Alright kiddo?” Yaz asks, running her hand through that hair to give it it’s regular poof up.

“I think I am.” He sits himself down on his new bed, the mattress creaking underneath but he doesn’t seem to notice and just strokes his pre-teen beard.

“Nervous?” Yaz joins him. She keeps her voice calm and collected as well as quiet to make sure that passes onto him. 

“A little bit. Mum’s setting me on edge.” Cameron shrugs and fiddles with the ring on his thumb. 

“She’s just excited for you and nervous for you at the same time. Thing is with your mum, once she lets you get close to her she finds it hard to let you move on.”

“Because of her past, yeah, yeah, I know.” Cameron nods. Yaz notices he then sighs with quite shivery breath and his head hangs lower than he usually holds it. Last time he sat like this was the day he came out. 

“You’re going to have a good time Cam.” Yaz keeps her voice positive although right now all she wants to do is carry him home and tuck him into bed. Instead she settles for rubbing the top of his back.

“I’m not going to get the same grades mum did. I’m not going to do two degrees, or a masters-”

“Stop comparing yourself to her! She’s going to be proud of you whatever grades you get and you know that- me too. And uni isn’t just about the grades.” Yaz reminds him.

“I know. I still don’t want to drink though.” He mumbles.

“It’s not a requirement Cameron, I didn’t drink.” Jenny slips back into the room, giving Yaz a look that says ‘keep him talking’. Probably so that she can hide her letter. “Except the first week and that one time I shotgunned a beer in front of your mum and she had a bit of a crisis.” Yaz laughs at the memory.

“Was that before you were together?” Cam asks.

“No, I think it was like, our second ‘date’ or something.” Yaz shrugs.

“Third.” Jenny corrects her.

“No, it was our second.” Yaz corrects her correction.

“Third.” Jenny continues to insist.

“Second! First was when you spilt hot chocolate on me, second we went out with the guys and you got jealous, third was the one where everyone was out and we had sex for the first time because our tests came back clean.” Yaz lays out their early timeline.

“Stop, mum, my ears!” Cam covers his ears with his hands. 

“Ooooh yeah.” Jenny finally remembers, smiling as she does. 

“How could you forget that?” Yaz’s lips curl into a sly smile.

“I could never forget that night Yaz.” Jenny gets lost in her head for a couple of seconds. “Or what you did the next morning.” 

“I’m gonna vom, this is worse than when I actually heard you doing it.” Cameron holds his head in his hands.

“That was one time, and it was an accident!” Yaz says. They’d promised as a family to forget about that night and never ever mention it again.

“I said hear, not walk in!” 

“Right my favourite people!” Jenny claps her hands together, deciding she’s done with “The car’s empty, we’ve had lunch from the canteen, we’ve had a walk around campus pointing out all the hotspots, or at least they were hotspots in our day. I think there’s only one thing left to do.”

“How long have you been preparing that speech?” Yaz asks. 

“Ever since he got in.” Jenny grins, hands on her hips, pleased with herself.

“It was good mum.” Cameron compliments her.

“Thank you. Come on Yaz.” Jenny says as Yaz stands.

“Wait, are you going now?” Cameron stands, sounding scared for the very first time during this whole moving process. 

“We’ve got to go at some point Cam.” Jenny swings an arm around her sons neck and gently kisses the top of his head before letting him go again.

“And remember we’re only a phone call away and if you need to, call-“

“Call uncle Ryan, I know.” Cam finishes Yaz’s instruction for her. 

“And no drugs apart from your hormones! I don’t want to have to arrest my own son. Or at least wait until I’ve retired.” Yaz wags her finger in his face. Jenny is quick to take her hand instead.

“I’d let you get away with a bit of weed.” Jenny shrugs.

“Jenny!” Yaz elbows her in the ribs.

“What? It’s just weed.” Jenny scrunches her nose up. “Also, always help out and be a gentleman to girls that look lost and are having panic attacks by trees because you might just marry them.” Jenny repeats how they met in a romanticized way to placate Yaz.

“Wait- what- hold on… that’s how you met? I knew you met on campus but I didn’t realise it was like that.” Cameron says. 

“Long story for another time kid.” Jenny says. “Call us whenever you want, yeah?”

“Yes mum.” Cameron repeats monotonously. Jenny’s given him about seven billion instructions in the past three hours, it’s a surprise if any of them have stayed in there. 

“I love you.” Yaz says. 

“Love you too.” Cameron kisses her cheek.

“Stop smothering him.” Jenny has to pull Yaz away. “See you later kid.”

“See you later.” Cameron waves. Yaz waves back right up until the door closes behind her.

“He’s not gone forever.” Jenny says as they walk through the hallway and out into the sunshine again. “We did it though. Our baby boy is all grown up.” Jenny says, wrapping her arm around her waist, gluing her into her side.

“Hmm have we done it though? We’ll get a call at two in the morning sometime this week saying how much he hates it and wants to come home.” The cynical side of Yaz dribbles out of her mouth.

“And we’ll remind him of how much fun he’s having in and out of campus.” Jenny says. 

“You sound like the prospectus.” Yaz smiles. 

“Walking talking advertisement, that’s me.” Jenny clicks her tongue in her mouth a couple of times a winks. Cameron taught her how to wink properly recently. 

“It’s going to be quiet when we get home.” Yaz says. 

“We could always start fostering again.” Jenny suggests as they turn a corner onto the path Yaz gets flashbacks to breaking her wrist on. 

“Aren’t we too old to-“

“Whoa! We’re only in our early fifties, Yaz, steady on.” Jenny chuckles nervously. 

“But don’t you want to have the house to ourselves again? Redecorate maybe. Have some,” Yaz makes a point to lick her lips as she looks Jenny up and down. “Fun.”

Jenny sigh-laughs. “You’ll be the death of me Yasmin Khan.”

“Why not go out with a bang?” Yaz wiggles her eyebrows playfully. 

“I hate you.” Jenny shakes her head, almost disappointed in Yaz.“Let’s go home.”

A couple of years after Yaz’s pay went up and Jenny had been in full time work and they’d had their wedding ceremony with family and friends, the two of them kept their savings account open so they could save and try to buy their first house. They found one slightly further outside of town with three bedrooms, two bathrooms and kitchen, a study, a decent sized garden, a kitchen, a living room, and even a tiny utility room at the back. To someone with millions it seems like nothing but to Yaz and Jenny it’s bigger than they ever expected. It put them in debt a bit, but it meant they could start to foster and more recently, Jenny got to get a dog.

“Hey boy, hey big guy, hello, hello! Did you miss me? Did you miss me?” Jenny greets the black lab with an equal amount of enthusiasm. Jenny called him K-9, but Yaz calls him Alan. Jenny got the responsibilities of the dog and Yaz got the responsibilities of the cats- Supreme the 2nd and Supreme the 3rd. Yaz gives him a pat on the head to greet him and walks past, kicking her shoes off. Jenny stops the dog licking her face and joins Yaz, but K-9 stays put at the door.

“He’s not coming back for a while K-9, come on.” Jenny slaps her thigh expecting him to come up to her side but the dog continues to sniff and whine at the door. 

Jenny looks over at Yaz, concerned, right as Yaz looks over at her, concerned, at the same time. Of course they knew it was happening today, of course they did, but it’s not until Yaz sees the dog scratching at the front door does it really hit her that their kid has moved out, and she doesn’t know if he’ll ever move back in.

“Don’t cry, I can’t have both of you crying on me at the same time.” Jenny pulls Yaz into a tight hug.

“I’m not going to cry. I just feel funny.” Yaz mumbles into her shoulder. 

“He’s only forty-five minutes down the road. We work down there, Ryan and your sister live down there not forgetting Ryan’s head of campus security now. He’ll be fine.” Jenny insists. 

“He’s an eighteen year old trans boy at a new institution surrounded by people he’s never met before.” Yaz says, pulling her head back so that she can really show how concerned she is.

“And he’s stronger than you think.” Jenny says. “Such a boy’s mummy.” 

“Oi!” Yaz pushes Jenny’s arm. 

“Just kidding!” Jenny defends herself with a high pitched voice. “You were the same with Mia. And Toby. And Jessica and Lucy-” 

“Alright I get it.” Yaz detaches her arms from around Jenny’s body. “I got very attached to them all.”

“Are you sure we’re too old to do it all again?” Jenny asks, her hands still on her waist pulling her close again to where their noses are almost touching. “Just a couple more foster kids, come on.”

“You say that like the ones we already had don’t come and visit all the time.” Yaz’s hands comfortably rest on Jenny’s shoulders and she half expects Cameron to come in and make a comment about being grossed out. But then she remembers. Jenny shrugs and Yaz makes a no promises promise. “We can think about it.”

“I like raising young minds with you.” Jenny says quietly, emphasizing how quiet the house is now.

“You do that every day at work.”

“You’re not with me when I do that.” Jenny smiles.

“I like when the kids are out and our house is our own again.” Yaz says.

“Yeah?” Jenny smirks.

“Yeah.” Yaz smiles and whispers back.

“Why’s that?”

“I can have you in whatever room I like. Like the day we moved in.” Yaz whispers. “Make you make all those loud noises again.”

“Are you so sure of your ability to do that?” Jenny teases.

“Stop whispering and kiss me.” Yaz demands. 

Jenny obliges and Yaz loves how she crumbles to her orders so easily. She lets Yaz walk her back, lets her untuck her shirts, lets her lift her up onto the kitchen counter. Yaz keeps it slow and emotional, rubbing over every inch of her wife’s body, including her wedding ring finger just to make a point of building emotional tension, all until she reaches her thighs and gently pushes Jenny sideways so she can stand between her legs. As Yaz steps forward however, there’s a clicking sound that cracks outstandingly loudly and Yaz stops in fear of the counter breaking under the weight of both her and Jenny.

“Did you hear that?” Jenny asks. Her hand that has been drawing patterns under Yaz’s top freezes in just like the rest of her body.

“Was that your hip?” Yaz asks at the same time, putting the timings of the action and the sound together

“That was my hip, my hip clicked.” Jenny giggles, shocked at her own body functions.

“Are you okay?” Yaz asks, catching Jenny’s addictive laugh and holding her cheek at the same time.

“Yaz, are we old?” Jenny asks through her laughter. “Are we properly  _ old?! _ ”

“C’mere , I’ll make you feel young again.” 

Yaz feels Jenny hum against her lips as she picks up from where they left off because body parts started to creak. She makes quick work of removing those blue culottes and braces, chucking them somewhere else with no fear of the noise alerting other members of the household. Jenny’s tongue runs over Yaz’s lip, coaxing her open and turning the heat up a notch. Or at least it does, until a bark that feels like a bucket of ice cold water rushes over them. Yaz looks down at the source, his wagging tail sweeping the hardwood floor clean and his head tilted like this is some kind of game and he wants to play.

“Maybe the bedroom is the safest option after all.” Yaz says. It’s the one room they’ve trained all the animals to not bark at if they’re in there and the door is closed.

“Maybe we should wait until later.” Jenny suggests.

“Not feeling it?” Yaz asks, not particularly bothered if Jenny comes back and says no.

“Not right now, no.” Jenny confirms. “I want to, but I’m just thinking about my lasagna.” 

“Oooo! You’re making your lasagna tonight?” Yaz gets distracted with a different kind of excitement.

“Yeah I’m gonna try putting some extra spices in today. Thought you might like that.”Jenny’s thumb strokes the slope of Yaz’s neck, and Yaz feels the need to hold onto her wrist.

“I like how you make it normally.” Yaz says. “You could do one thing for me though.”

“What?” Jenny’s ears prick up, eager to please and make her wife feel better about today. 

“Make it in your boxers.” Yaz requests. 

Jenny laughs silently through her nose, drops herself down from the counter and hugs Yaz incredibly tight again, not neglecting to leave little kisses all over her face. All of a sudden, Yaz gasps out loud, not because Jenny’s done anything to her to make her react like that but because the stupid dog has jumped up her side and is clawing at her arm. 

Jenny takes control and orders him down, still managing to keep at least one point of contact with Yaz’s body. “Alright, alright, stop getting jealous!” 

Yaz watches Jenny make the components of her lasagna and build it to be cooked later, then they take the dog out together for a walk in the park. Jenny had to put her trousers back on for that, unfortunately, but just being home with Jenny to keep her occupied is enough. The two of them settle down in the garden with the last light of the summer sun and a glass of wine each- non alcoholic for Yaz- to relax, watch the cats play at the bottom of the garden, and pet K-9 while he sunbathes. 

“Who’s coming tomorrow?” Yaz asks. Every Sunday Jenny and Yaz cook a Sunday roast and have an open door policy for any of their family, past or present, to come for a catch up and some good food. 

“Mia and Aliya have confirmed. Toby’s busy and the twins said they’re actually going to their adoptive parents.”

“Aw, good for them.” Yaz says. “So just five of us tomorrow then?”

“Four.” Jenny corrects her. “I don’t think Cameron’s going to be rushing home if he’s just moved in.”

“I hope he’s not just crying in his room.” Yaz says. 

“You forget he’s like me too, babe, not just you.” Jenny says with a sneaky grin plastered on her face.

“What do you think he’s up to then?” Yaz asks. “If you know him so much better than I do.”

“He’ll be attempting to make dinner by now along with some other people in his flat, making friends, talking about how cool his mum is giving him twenty quid to spend on freshers tickets.” 

“Jenny no one talks about how ‘cool’ their mum is when they meet new people. Especially when they have two of them.” Yaz says.

“Fine, he’ll be talking ‘man talk’ and preparing to go out tonight and scooting around the fact his parents are two women. Probably coming up with a plan to pick up some chicks.”

“You think he’s going to get some tonight?” Yaz asks, surprised.

“Not… specifically that. Maybe his first kiss. That would be cute.” Jenny shrugs.

“How do we know he hasn’t already had it? He doesn’t tell us anything about… that.” Yaz says. 

“Well, maybe now he’s moved out, he will.” Jenny supposes. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

K-9 rolls onto his back so that Jenny can give him a tubby rub. Yaz listens to the birds and the quiet. She used to like the quiet. Now it just feels strange. 

“Do you remember when he walked in on us-”

“Oh, God, I don’t want to remember that.” Jenny cringes where she sits, bringing her knees up into her chest. 

“-because he came home early from a night out and thought someone was hurting you?”

“We’re terrible parents.” Jenny says. Her voice muffled by her hands hiding her face. “Why did they even let us adopt.”

“You had to explain to him what a healthy sex life is.” Yaz pokes fun at her.

“I’m surprised he didn’t try to run away after that.” Jenny sighs.

“It wasn’t that bad, Jen.” Yaz pries Jenny’s hands away from her face so she can hold one of them. Jenny looks at her like she’s the most offended she’s ever been in her life. 

“You weren’t the one with the hot wax all on your-!”

Thankfully, their neighbour starts up his lawn mower, shutting Jenny up and allowing Yaz to lose her shit with laughter. She laughs about it now since it was years ago and she’s come to terms that their kid is probably scarred for life however she knows it’s still a sensitive subject for Jenny to say the least.

“I’m checking on my lasagna.” Jenny grumbles, taking herself back inside. 

“Are you alright mum, you look like you haven’t slept well?” Mia asks. 

Mia was the first kid her and Jenny fostered. She was sixteen when she came to them and they had more of a friendship rather than a parent and child relationship but Mia still insists on calling them mum, since when she hit eighteen they didn’t leave her to go and fend for herself and let her stay as long as she needed to find her feet. Yaz is happy she was able to make it today. She’s just come back from holiday in the Caribbean so her hair looks like Bill’s used to and her skin is dark, rich and glowing. Yaz is glad that she’s here to remind her that her kids do turn out alright in the end, and Mia is walking talking proof. 

“I was up thinking about Cameron.” Yaz says.

“He’s fine!” Aliya insists, picking up the cutlery to set the table. “Mum always said you were a worrier, now I see what she means.”

“You can tell your mum to shove it! You’re all grown up now, she has nothing to be worried about.” Yaz says, serving up some roast potatoes. 

“She might do in about six months.” Aliya mumbles. Jenny keeps plating up veg and roast chicken like she hasn’t heard but from the look they share, Mia and Yaz have caught on. 

“What was that?” Yaz asks, rounding the table to confront her niece head on. 

“Dinner’s up!” Jenny cheers bringing as many plates as she can without the dog clocking that if he jumped up he could unbalance Jenny and . “Yaz I left some chicken for the cats and- wait, what’s happening?” Jenny finally clocks on to the situation in front of her.

“Repeat what you just said.” Yaz pressures Aliya into saying it again.

“I said mum might have something to worry about in six months because I’m pregnant.” Aliya announces. 

“For real? This isn’t a joke?” Yaz asks. Aliya nods. “Planned?” Aliya nods again. 

The past twenty-eight years flash before Yaz right back to the second she watched her sister go through the final push. This tiny baby, this little toddler they were looking after just two years ago not only has a husband but is pregnant with her own child. 

“Yaz, are you okay?” Aliya asks. 

“She’s fine, oh my god!” Jenny pushes past Yaz and pulls Aliya into a hug. “Congratulations!”

“Mum.” Mia has to whisper in Yaz’s ear to prompt her to go and congratulate Aliya. 

“You’re still a baby.” Yaz says as she hugs her. 

“Oh, would you stop being sentimental!” Aliya holds Yaz back by her shoulders. “Listen, would you be this kid's safety parents?”

“Slow down a hot second-” Yaz says, unable to keep up with the first thing let alone next. 

“Absolutely. Even though nothing will happen to you.” Jenny is quick to agree. 

“Nani’s going to have a heart attack.” Mia laughs. 

“Oh shit, yeah she will.” Jenny puts her arm around Yaz’s waist, pulling her close into her side. 

“Mum doesn’t even know yet.” Aliya shrugs. 

“Why would you tell us first!” Yaz asks. 

“Because my earliest memories always involve you. Both of you. I always had fun when I spent weekends here with Cameron and stuff. I want my kid to have that.” Aliya admits. Yaz pulls her in for another hug, totally touched by Aliya’s trust in them.

“Pass my plate mum.” Mia asks Jenny and it reminds Yaz at the same time that they are letting their food go cold. 

“Wait hold on.” Jenny says, rushing to go and get her laptop from the coffee table. “I have something planned. 

“I’ll get it.” Yaz offers and brings over the rest of the food so that they can all sit down. “Come on Jenny, you’re faffing.” 

“One second!” Jenny complains. She places her laptop down on the kitchen counter and brightens the screen so that Cameron's face is on it. Yaz thinks it’s just a photo and Jenny’s being cute, but the photo waves.

_ “Hello.”  _ Cameron says. 

“I thought it would be nice.” Jenny says to Yaz as she sits down. “Got your food Cam?” 

_ “Yep.” _

“There’s no way he’s made a roast on only his second night.” Mia says. 

_ “I’ve got a pulled pork, stuffing and applesauce sandwich, crisps and then carrot cake.”  _ Cameron shows his student version of a roast dinner to the webcam.

“Thought so.” Aliya picks up her cutlery and digs in.

“That’s not a meal Cam!” Yaz points angrily at the screen, knowing there’s nothing she can actually do about it.

“Right, everyone just shut up and eat, I’m hungry.” Jenny puts a stop to the bickering. 

Conversation and laughter flows immediately. When Yaz isn’t partaking in the chat she finds herself sitting and staring at her son, her niece and one of her other kids laughing and having fun together- taking an interest in each other's lives like they shared the womb together. They build this. Her and Jenny built this life with cats and a dog and a house that’s now too big for them. Yaz hand ends up on Jenny’s knee under the table and with cheeks full of food Jenny feels it and looks at her, troubled. 

“You okay?” Jenny whispers. 

“I love you.” Yaz kisses Jenny’s cheek and rubs her knee with her thumb at the same time.

“Ugh, Cameron, your parents are being gross again.” Mia grimaces. 

_ “That’s nothing.”  _ Cameron says.  _ “I have many stories.” _

“Mum says they’ve always been like that.” Sonya comments on their behaviour.

“Your mum hated me at first.” Jenny says. 

“She didn’t hate you, she was just too self absorbed in her own world.” Yaz comes to her sister's defense. 

“She told us to either ‘shag or shut up’ the first time I stayed over.” Jenny says. 

“Your hips might be going but your memory isn’t.” Yaz says, impressed.

_ “Mum! Again with the images I don’t want!”  _ Cameron groans.

“Bet you’re glad you’ve moved out.” Mia says. 

_ “Tell me about it.” _

“I was glad to move out too, Cam, we’ve all been there with embarrassing parents.” Aliya says. 

All three of the younger members of the family start to compare notes on Yaz and Jenny compared to Ryan and Sonya, Mia’s foster parents before Yaz and Jenny and Yaz tapping in every now and then about Najia and Hakim. Everyone accepts that Jenny isn’t going to talk about her side of the family and Yaz makes sure to include her in talking about her parents. Other than her small comments Yaz sits back and eats to let the kids be relatable with each other. Cameron cracks a gag that has everyone laughing, the girls more than Jenny and Yaz, but it gives Yaz the chance to smile at her wife and gives Jenny the chance to comfortably wink at Yaz. 

They’ve made it. They’re happy. They’re safe. They’re together. 

“I still love you too.” Jenny says, placing her hand on Yaz’s knee this time. “I can’t not say it back.” She shrugs. 

Yaz kisses Jenny again, on the lips this time. She knows at least one of them saw, even if it’s just the dog sitting on the other side of Jenny begging for food. Not one of them mentions it. 

Because that’s just how Yaz and Jenny work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, so, I didn't respond to any comments last chapter because I'm answering them all now: SURPRISE this is not the end. Well, technically it is. This is the end of the story in regards to the plot, however the eagle eyed among you will notice that this two part series has become a three part. In that next fic (that I should be starting right after this goes up) it's essentially going to be all the scenes I deleted, scenes I never wrote down before, scenes from the 27 year time gap, stuff I missed, scenes that fix plot holes, and in general just Jenny and Yaz stuff that you've asked for (hit me up whenever, I live off prompts). Except stuff about Jenny's parents because I have absolutely no idea what's going on with them lmao skdjfhsjkdh Plus I can't get these characters out of my head so we're stuck with them for a while. 
> 
> anyway yeah, thanks for sticking with this one, sequels are never as good as the originals. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!
> 
> ALSO I can't finish this without shouting out Joli and Finn, they've both been helping me develop these two behind and helping me edit and stuff so big thank you to them!


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